Dreams Can Come True (If You Live in a Squat)



Normal people have dreams where they’re flying, or conquering the world, or fucking celebrities. Fortunately for us Squallyoaksians, we don’t dream that big, rendering our wildest fantasies attainable in the two hours of the day that we actually manage to get up off our fat asses. My flatmate Dominic, for example, had a dream last night that our bathtub turned into a pond. And now, a mere three days later, it has! And it’s beautiful. Our new pond is now complete with water, some rocks, some random plant life and fourteen lovely fish. In most households turning your only bathtub into a pond might result in an argument. However, given that no one actually washes in our house, Dom was able to make his dream come true sans objection. Peeing is now an entirely new (and serene) experience.

The second new addition to the house is our new baby kitten, DogEgg. And just this very second, as I typed that, I realized that it was probably a really stupid idea to get a pond and a kitten at the same time. How could no one have thought of that? Still, he’s really cute and we love him. He’s jet black and we got free off the internet. We’re doing our best not to kill him.

On a less ridiculous note, our house has made a sudden turn for the better in the past couple weeks. We made a cleaning rota! And we’re actually sticking to it. What was once a couple paths that led from the couch to the TV, and from the other couch to the toilet, is now miraculously the floor. Also, for the first time in a year the house no longer smells like nine year old chicken carcasses. Did you know that if you store rotting garbage in your house it gives off an unpleasant smell? And then if you remove it the smell (eventually) goes away? Mind boggling.

Also, the black crusty thing in our kitchen that no one could identify but we presumed was a fossil has been restored to its original form—a 1970’s microwave. It might be killing us with radiation, but at least now we can heat up our reduced price, Summerfield Basics ready meals. Yum.

Oh, the life of luxury.








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