Bunny by Tom Beard
Everyone has an intern these days. Even my intern has an intern. Except I don’t have one. I feel like the only person left in this socially bankrupt world without an overqualified personal servant. I can’t go on like this. I’m just far too busy and important to not have a slave.
If you ask me, intern culture is completely fucked. Like, everyone is always talking about how slavery is so bad or whatever, but aren’t interns just modern day slaves, hidden under a shroud of reluctant consent? Plus, the only people who can afford to work for free—thus climbing the economic ladder and becoming successful—are middle class, bourgeois scum who get handed money from their parents.
But I mean like whatever I still I want one. Here is the advertisement I’ve written in search of my very own slave.
Intern needed twenty hours per week for writer / journalist / wasted loser. Tasks will include:
-Stroking my ego
-Obsessively Googling my name
-Sending (personal) emails on my behalf (don’t worry I will dictate them to you as you write them)
-Updating my Facebook status
-Possibly Twittering (maybe you can explain to me what this is?)
-Not speaking to me if / when we see each other at public events
-Pleasuring me if I get horny (this normally occurs between two and three times a day)
-Changing my tampons
-Chewing my food
-Walking my imaginary dog
-Having sex with my boyfriend (when I’m tired and not in “the mood” after a hard days work)
-Bending over like a bench and letting me sit on your back if I need a breather
-Asking me questions I know the answers to, to make me feel smart
-Cleaning cum stains off my clothes with a toothbrush (dry cleaning is too expensive)
-Surrogating my bastard army
-Hating on my enemies
-Doodling for me when I’m too busy
-Alphabetizing my public hair
*Your travel / expenses will not be paid. Thank You.