Felix by Slutever
Felix has been gone two weeks now. His replacement is a 22 year old girl from South America (I think?) who studies architecture and who I’ve only heard speak once. She’s really pretty and listens to happy hardcore constantly, but I don’t know much else about her. Anyway, this morning a package arrived in the mail with Felix’s name on it. For a sec I thought about bringing it to the post office and mailing it to him in London, but then laughed out loud for having even considered that, and tore it open.
Inside the box were two individually wrapped plastic bags full of green dust/herbs, one labeled ‘Ritual Mugwort’ and the other ‘Ritual Plantain.’ Each package had a brief description of its specific function. I’ll paraphrase for you: Ritual Mugwort, is says, is used to “banish dark forces”, induce “astral travel”, and “restore sanity.” The label also specifies that you can “use with dragon blood to intensify.” (Thankfully I actually have a vile of dragon blood in my freezer.) The other bag, AKA Ritual Plantain, is used to “protect against thieves and snake people.” It says most people carry it around in a mojo bag, but that if you don’t have one of those you can just shove it in your wallet. Ritual Plantain can also be sprinkled onto windowsills and doorways to keep out bad vibes.
Also in the box with the magical grass were two glass bottles—one of wormwood and one of calamus root. I Googled them both but they don’t seem that exciting, just like random extracts that sandal people use to trick themselves into believing they’re powerful.
What I find most amazing, though, is not that Felix spent nearly $40 on fairydust (this could have been predicted—he’s a huge fan of Salem and 3-sided shapes), but that he bought it despite having still not paid me his share of the bills from when he lived here. I need that money asshole! Freak better conjure up a money making spell fast.