Friends I’ll Never Meet: Theresa

Meet Theresa, a 16 year old high school student from New Zealand. We met on Facebook six months ago after she kindly offered me a place to crash at her parent’s house in NZ, despite the fact that I had no intention of going there. Thoughtful! Theresa is a dancer, can speak Japanese and loves Ritalin. Her tagline of Facebook is “I would vomit up my life if I could,” which is really funny and totally relatable. She also has a really cool boyfriend named George. What I love most about Theresa, however, is how much of a genuine, unapologetic fan girl she is, because I’m totally the same. Everyone can relate to harboring stupid internet infatuations with people. It’s cooler to just embrace them than to pretend you’re above it. This is an interview I did with her over Facebook chat.

We’re both such internet groupies. My current obsession is Jey Crisfar, the gay zombie boy from Otto; or Up with Dead People. What about you?

So true, I have a very addictive personality. I really love Conor Oberst, Rodaidh McDonald from Cocadisco, the Youtube beauty guru Juicystar07, and Alexi Wasser is pretty rad too. I’ve also been an obsessive fan of Hamilton Morris for nearly two years now, which is funny coz I know you like him too. I’m so jealous of his fuckin’ insane job, traveling around the world trying obscure drugs and writing about it—yes pls!

A lot of the time you contact these people through Facebook and Myspace, right? Who is the most famous person you’ve talked to?

It’s hard to decide who’s the most famous, but I got really excited emailing people from Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley band in attempts to get Conor to Skype my boyfriend on his birthday, so probably them.

OMG so funny, did it work?

Yeah we talked, but the Skype thing didn’t end up working out as they were too busy in the studio, which was a total bummer!

Do people ever not respond?

Sometimes. Most of the people I add on Facebook I never actually talk to—I just kinda stalk them from afar. I like knowing what they’re up to. I’m really creepy like that. Oh, and Dev Hynes never accepted me :(

Weird, I know Dev. He’s generally quite a strange and paranoid person, which is probably why he didn’t accept. Actually he just deleted his Facebook entirely because he was having a life crisis / mental breakdown of some sort, so don’t take it personally! What’s New Zealand like?

There are hobbits and sheep everywhere—it’s exactly like all the stereotypes. We also have a large percentage of meth addicts and baby-shakers.

Gross. What’s your default thing to masturbate to?

Definitely That’s So Raven. The whole show though, not the girl.

Umm… I think they’re all like 14, but I guess that’s OK as you’re underage too. So, who’s the hottest boy on earth? I change my mind like every day but Louis Garrel, Mackenzie Crook (with his bowl cut) and Louis Theroux are all definitely up there.

Hahaha, Mackenzie Crook? You’re crazy. George Armstrong is my fave! Also, I feel really retarded to admit it, but I’ve had a huge thing for Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance since I was 10. I used to be a ragin’ emo obvz. Yannis Philipakis is rad too, and so is Jethro Cave.

I agree with everyone except Gerard Way. Guys wearing make-up is hot, but he just takes it too far. Is two boys making-out hot to you?

Hmm… no not really, sorry.

What?! Are you mentally disabled or just blind? J/K! Who is your lesbian crush?

Your friend Mavi, defz. I completely love her. She’s so endearing and kind, and we (digitally) get along so well!

I agree! Although you know she’s not a lesbian in real life, she just has short hair. Actually we sort of made-out once, but she was unconscious so I don’t know if it counts.


Your Facebook pictures make me want to be sixteen. I hate you.

I would vomit up my life if I could.



7 Replies to “Friends I’ll Never Meet: Theresa”

  1. I am obsessed with a handful of makeup gurus on youtube. As well as this 15 yr old boy who looks like a girl and makes comedy sketches form his bedroom. Obsessed. I know more about these people than most of my 'friends'. Hell, I think I know more about you than most of my 'friends', most of which, incidentally, are your friends as well. Plus we both live at Catch. How have we never hung out propers? I don't get it.Oh and I'm alreads double time obsessed with grayson chance. He is hot.

  2. I been cummin nonstop to louis garrel these days. You seen ma mere? Its kinda incesty but you see his cock a lot and its not real life anyway and you see his cock a lot.

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