Our new kitten, William (who I don’t hate)
Do you need a reason to hate stuff? I don’t think you do. Arbitrarily hating things has been a passion of mine for some time now, and nothing but good has ever come of it. So in that vein here are a few things I hate for no reason other than I just do, and that I’m going to keep on hating because I feel like it.
They taste like crap. They look ugly, and whenever you see someone eating them they always seem so pleased with themselves, like ‘Yup, just eating some lentils. No biggie. My body is a temple. Never mind the fact that I smell like a junkie drenched in incense and haven’t brushed my hair since the 80’s.
I live with ten people, all of whom are masturbation interrupters. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve I actually had to fashion a sign for my door out of cardboard that reads Do Not Disturb. Masturbation In Progress, and I still I can’t manage to jerk-off without at least five different people barging in to ask where the can opener is, or if can they borrow five pounds, or if I’ve seen that video of the toddler high on LSD on Youtube because it’s sooooo funny.
Why is she so tall? It’s so annoying. And why is her skin so pale? And why does her husband highlight and straighten his hair? And why when she smiles does she look like a walrus sucking on a lemon? No wonder her two adopted children refuse to call her mom.
People who say ‘Have a nice day’ but don’t really mean it
If I had a penny for every time someone gave me an insincere ‘Have a nice day’ I’d have at least 78p by now. It happens most in places like supermarkets, cafes and clothing stores, and every time it does I have to do everything in my power not to turn around and scream, “Really? Do you REALLY want me to have a nice day, you sad, deceitful bastard?”
People who read really trendy books in public with that smug look on their face, oblivious to how huge of a tool they are
These are the same people who emerge from movie theaters shouting “It was OK, but the book was way better,” loud enough for everyone to hear. You know who you are.