How to be a Disaster

Images via Happy 2 b Sad

Sometimes it’s OK to go on a six month downward spiral, as you long as you’re chic about it. Basically, there’s a right way and a wrong way to be a disaster. Like, you can’t just show up to your abortion wearing sweat pants. What if you ran into a street style photographer on the way there? Or the way back? Then what? And FYI, falling asleep on the L train with a half chewed piece of felafel in your mouth is not “rock n’ roll,” it’s downright unglamorous. There is an art to being tragic. Below is an A to Z list of things one must prioritize in order to spiral out of control IN STYLE. (Compiled with the help of Ally DeVellis and Adri Murguia)

Art school
Accidental blow-job

Blacking out
Honorary mention: Birth control

Carbs (the absence of)

Dopamine (receptors in the brain)
Desperate (looking/feeling/acting)

Eating your feelings
Eternal void

Honorary mention: Famous

Girls (the gender and the show)
Glamour addiction
Honorary mention: Going Out

Hangover (never-ending)
Honorary mention: human papillomavirus

Ingrown hairs
Internal bleeding

Judging strangers
Jerking off

Kill (myself)

Lesbian moment
Lost (the feeling not the show)

Menstrual cycle
Master Cleanse (Beyonce’s)

Negative (vibes)
Not caring

One night stand
Owing people money

Pregnant? :(
Peeing on people
Honorary mention: Party photography

Questions (so many)

Running (out of battery/away)
ROFL (coptor)

Serotonin (lack of)
Smiling (with your eyes)
Honorary mention: Slut

Text regret
Turning point (not being there)
Tying bitches up

UTI :(
Used (doing/feeling)
Honorary mention: Un-tag

Vodka soda with lime (#LowCal)
Very glamorous
Virginity (taking by force)

Women’s issues
Wondering (always & forever)

Xenon (girl of the 21st century)

Yesterday (not remembering)
Y not?
Yeast infection

Zack Morris
Z-list celebrities
Zombie apocalypse



6 Replies to “How to be a Disaster”

  1. i love u and wrote a response to this! on my blog


    When I started blogging I followed a load of other blogs. Nowadays I only follow one which is Well she has written a post about the best way to have a 6 month downward spiral or something. I don’t think I’m particularly like her but I thought I’d just check and see what I have done or can relate to via this list because I really am obsessed with Karley. She’s got big tits and she deals with blog hate on a daily basis so yeah were sort of the same person in some important ways
    Alcohol- obviously I have alcohol problems, many of the people in my life have never seen me sober.
    Anal- that would be a no. as it goes the sort/race of guys I usually go for………. Would make it kind of hurt ten times more than the average anal sex session. I obviously like to feel like I’ve actually had sex the next day after but I also like being able to walk to the tube rather than slither along the floor human centipede style in pain
    Art school- St martins
    Accidental blow-job – of course but everyone’s been in this scenario like probably 75% of the population
    Boys- ye
    Blogging- yeye
    Blacking out- this shares a relationship quite closely with the alcohol part
    Bondage- I used hand cuffs last summer? Does that count?
    Honorary mention: Birth control – necessary.
    Clubs- I just don’t like clubbing but I do go from time to time when I’m in a self harm mood
    Carbs (the absence of)- no I cba with this ! St martins is stressful you know!
    Cocaine- I haven’t but only because honestly I’ve never been around anyone that I’d want to take it with, at the same time that the coke was around.
    Chlamydia- yuck are you supposed to get this to be in a downwards spiral!?
    Depression- I just drink more
    Dopamine (receptors in the brain) – I think mine aren’t working because I keep making the wrong decision
    DJing- OMG I did this about 6 months ago! It was so easy? Everything is just like playing around on itunes nowadays? I was at this shithole basically in Tottenham talkingto the barmaid and this guy walked up to the bar and was like where shall I set up? So I was like WOOOOO I CAN DO THIS! I want to add this to my life of experiences and tagging on to an aging rasta with a laptop was the easiest route to getting there!
    Desperate (looking/feeling/acting)- I’m not desperate. But I probably did look pretty desperate the other day when I was in Thai Silk and I really needed a wee and (of course) there was a HUGE QUEUE for the ladies ………….. so I casually went into the men’s, strode past the 4 men standing at the urinals, and locked myself in one of the toilets. Someone had called security and this guy had to wait outside the door listening to me wee before yelling at me when I came back out again.
    Ecstasy- when I was 16 this guy I hung out with brought some pills out with us one night when we were at this gay bar in Southend- I think it was called The Cliff? Is that right? Can any gays from Southend confirm this? It was one of the only places that we could get served BACK IN THE DAY. Anyways he brought these things along and called them “sharks” which he said were a mix of ecstasy and speed and that he bought them on the internet. Lame! He gave them to all of us…. Half of us started jumping around being crazy and the half of us that looked OLD (yeah that was me) just gave up and went to the bar. I always got served. Later he told us they were just paracetamol so that sucked
    Eating your feelings- Lol! Yeah that’s fun.
    Edgyness- ew I hate this word anyone who says edgy is SOOOO not edgy.
    Eternal void- eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?
    Facebook- I couldn’t delete facebook! I like stalking people that I’ve slept with!
    Fucking-I prefer this way more than the below
    Fashion- I prefer this way less than the above. Fashion doesn’t even matter. The only kind of men that like proper fashion are gay men.
    Filters- totally! I love upping the saturation on my pics to make my lips redder! yum
    Honorary mention: Famous- ???????? I don’t know how to answer this. I’m not famous. I feel kind of famous on this blog tho. I like having regular Russian readers!!!!!!!!!! RRR
    Girls (the gender and the show) – I love girls I love finding girls attractive than no one else would find attractive as well like weirdos on the tube/polish ex co workers etc
    Guestlist- oh I’ve only ever been on the guestlist to one party lol L but that was at China Whites so……. That’s better than like Jumping Jacks in Bas Vegas
    Gangbang- I’d rather call it a foursome
    Glamour addiction- eye lash and hair extension addiction? Fake tan addiction? Bronzer addiction? Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
    Honorary mention: Going Out – everyone likes going out but I do actually like just staying in really because I like things being quiet n I like being one on one rather than like sweating pressed against someone’s forehead so I don’t really feel like I need to go out that often to fill my quota in this area.
    Horny – I don’t know about this? I sort of itinerise man time so that this doesn’t happen. And even then…… there’s my vibrator.
    Hangover (never-ending)- hungover right now so I thought I should deal with this in the most sensible way possible- I had a chocolate milkshake and a chocolate bar for breakfast and then started drinking again from 1pm…………… I can feel my heart and it’s telling me its not enjoying my behaviour.
    Hash-tag- #cute
    Hickey- u always get love bites from cunts that you DON’T want a love bite from. Like they think they own you or something. Yuck. I wouldn’t mind it if it reminded me of something good that had happened the night before but that Never happens. -_-
    Instagram – NO
    Ingrown hairs- EW NO
    Internal bleeding – it hasn’t happened yet #onlytimewilltell
    Irrelevance – most of my interests/activities are completely irrelevant. Like this blog. Its not really helping me get a job is it? Dating isn’t helping me get anywhere is it? But its fun still…………..
    Jealousy – I get jealous when people I’ve slept with start sending flirty emoticons to ugly girls on twitter #urgh
    Judging strangers – so fun! Sometimes I just sit in costa and decided who’s the hottest out of the couples that walk past. It’s fun. the best time to judge people is either a) a park in London on a sunny day (no one is ready) or b) non uniform day at school (there was always this one guy in my tutor group that wore the same thing every non uniform day L the poor guy L.) Non uniform day was soooo all about money. I really really cared about non uniform day at first. I used to get my mum to go out and buy me a new outfit for it. But when I got to year 10 I stopped caring and I just wore a black t-shirt and normal skinny jeans every time one rolled around. Whatever. They always did it at the end of term and I was just tired by that point.
    Jewelry- I so do not care about jewellery. I just buy cheap earrings from New Look/River Island that I won’t cry about when they get left at peoples houses and subsequently thrown away. Or like last summer in Ibiza when I burst out of a club at 7am and thought it would be a good idea to take all my clothes off and throw myself into the sea. My best friend ran in after me and when I realized I’d lost my knickers I made her dive down into the sea to find them for me. Hahahaha. But anyways I’d forgotton that id put my earrings and money in my bra!!!!! Doh!!!!!! So they got lost too. fml
    Jerking off- weird how you cant say you’re “wanking” when you’re a girl isn’t it?!
    Kissing – I love kissing it’s so much fun
    Kill (myself) – if you’re gona kill urself do it properly. Stick your head in the oven. Don’t overdose on sleeping pills.
    Ketamine – OMG is this the horse tranquiliser? I got my drink spiked with this one time I was at Talk in Southend. I was sick inside a cab and had to pay £65 for damages it was SO fucking unfair.
    Klonopin – I don’t know what this is
    Lesbian moment – I tried to do this properly to decifer how I felt about it. And how I feel is NO thanks! Girls kissing technique sucks! Wake up tongue!
    Lying- the problem with me lying is that because of my alcohol problem my memory is seriously bad. Like I don’t remember anything. I don’t even remember the names of people I’ve worked for in my life. So trying not to lie about important stuff is generally a good idea. Unless I invest in a notebook.
    Lube – relevant
    Lost (the feeling not the show) – read above about the memory loss :-D
    Masturbation – relevant x2
    Menstrual cycle – kind of annoying but I mean it would be way more annoying if it didn’t come!!!! Right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Touch wood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Modeling – one time my old flatmate made a weird head covering mask/hat thing out of wire soldered together. Not dissimilar to Hannibal Lecter’s face mask. She photographed me wearing it whilst standing in basketball court in Gascoigne estate in Hackney (where I lived). Then she put the photos in her project. It really hurt because the metal was kind of digging into my face but I’m sure my big break will come any day now
    Master Cleanse (Beyonce’s) – what’s this?
    Negative (vibes) like this is what my face gives off 100% of the time but usually I’m just in a contemplative mood.
    Nudity- nudity has good and bad connotations in my life. On the good side I like watching guys walk around naked in front of me after sex because then I can just look at their dick some more. The bad side is the fact that I live with people who apparently grew up in a naked house. Weekends are full on nudity with my mum and her boyfriend. A few months ago I woke up n walked into the loo because GUESS WHAT the door was open. Only to find oh, my mum’s boyfriend sitting on the toilet naked having a shit. I freaked out an run away then text my mum saying “please can you tell your boyfriend to shut the door of the toilet when he’s having a shit in the morning.” What did she reply? “lol! ok x”………………… -_-. My mum is just as bad. Always walking around naked casually on the landing. Always asking me to come in for a chat whilst she’s in the bath shaving her legs- NAKED. Urgh.
    Not caring – you should ask my mum about this! Read above!
    Nightlife- twilight is way better. But no I like the nighttime. It’s cooler.
    Orgasm- omg I love cumming etc of course who doesn’t but this is a question directed at girls do any of u have trouble cumming when you’re drunk ? actually “trouble” is the wrong word, I just find that if I actually tried n focused on cumming whilst drunk it would just take so long and kill the whole thing so I’d just rather give up n enjoy the sex for what it is. ??????? Does anyone else get this? Sometimes guys with me are like “did you cum? R u gona cum?” etc n I’m like no I’m drunk n then they’re like looking kinda surprised when I cum in the morning a lot? Oh well. I don’t really feel like I have a problem because you know you’re like half sedated when you’re drunk so you’re not necessarily as sensitive as when you’re sober????????? Whatever
    Orgy – no interest in this whatsoever. You know what orgies remind me of? That louis theroux documentary where he went and visited “orgy couples” in like suburban America, and it was all these middle aged couples that had like a rubber room and laid out sleeping bags for when they had guests over. What was unearthed was the fact that the wife was the one that went to Costco or you know, the American version of Costco, and bought loads of cherryade and crisps, then sat at the door to let the guests in………. and the husband was the one in the pool rubbing his pre cum onto some woman’s tits. It was just like, supervised cheating. I.e. shite.
    One night stand – is kind of a fail for me I don’t like the idea of “one night stands” you may as well become an acquaintance with the person in some capacity otherwise its pretty much one step forward (you’ve had sex) but then 2 steps back ( you go back to not having sex cos the person was only a one time thing and the second step back accounts for the money you’ve wasted having to get a travelcard to go back to essex the next day PLUS unsubstantiated hangover food costs in McDonalds)
    Owing people money- ah I owe my mum around £17,000. Whatever.
    Porn – Porn’s great but I am super scared to watch it anymore on my laptop because recently my whole internet etc fucked up and my mum fully gave me that look like – have you been watching porn on weird illegal sites and made something break yet AGAIN? Also her boyfriend had to fix my computer and I sort of just stood there shitting myself saying “OMG I hate you both it’s just because I like watching Dawson’s Creek on weird german movie websites”
    Posing – I’m a big poser. I know the better side of my face. The idea of people photographing me freaks me out.
    Peeing on people – I have never done this or met anyone that has requested it.
    Honorary mention: Party photography- I don’t go to parties
    Questions (so many) – yeah my fingers are getting freakin tired now
    Queer – I love gays
    Queef – what’s this
    Quaaludes – “
    Rape – I like men that are FORECFUL but rape no. it’s too serious an issue to make light of it through a sexual fantasy.
    Rash – it’s not cool to have a rash anywhere ever
    Running (out of battery/away) – I use the plug on the C2C that says “not for public use” heh heh eh he heheheh #YOLO
    ROFL (coptor) – lolop!
    Serotonin (lack of) – St Tropez
    Strap-on – no I just don’t see the point
    S&M – I loveee
    Smiling (with your eyes) – like I don’t smile a lot but I do laugh quite a lot when I’m alone. Actually one thing I love doing is smiling at a text or something on my phone and then looking up and walking along , smiling to the world about it.
    Honorary mention: Slut – I don’t like this word, it means different things to different people, there’s no definition.
    Text regret – I just delete all chats (bbm, text, whatsapp, etc) during the night so that when I wake up and see my empty phone, I can pretend none of it ever happened.
    Tantrum – I don’t throw tantrums. Ever.
    Turning point (not being there) – waiting for the turning point in my life
    Tying bitches up – love. But not handcuffs, you can get out of those. Boring
    Uterus – I’m assuming I have one
    UTI :( – I duno what this is
    Used (doing/feeling) – i go through stages of being a hard bitch because people have been cunts to me but my moods (good and bad) never last for long. They’re always changing. So I never usually feel bad for too long.
    Underage –sometimes I think oh I’ll go for a younger guy n teach him about life (sex) but not UNDERAGE come on
    Honorary mention: Un-tag –all my tags are on private. Do I look STOOPID
    Vodka soda with lime (#LowCal) – I so do not care about what’s the most low call drink like life’s is too short Very glamorous – I always aim for very glamorous but often it turns out more Mexican brothel
    Viagra – OMG read my post about the Ibiza guy who took Viagra. I do NOT rate Viagra.
    Virginity (taking by force) – virginity just needs to be get past. I don’t think its special.
    Women’s issues – love. I love feminism but not in a man hating way. More in a, I’m going use my femininity to get what I want kind of way.
    Wondering (always & forever) – who doesn’t
    Whip – paddles hurt more > but my mum found mine when she redecorated my room and threw it away L it cost like £20 as well it was leather with like studs on it hahahaahahahah
    Whore- same opinion as “slut”
    Xanax – duno what this is
    X-tina – loved stripped! It is actually a really good album!
    Xenophobia – lol this is NOT me. Why is this even on the fucking list.
    Xenon (girl of the 21st century) – I duno what this is
    YOLO – sometimes u do jus gotta do stuff. Just to say you did it. This kind of relates I think.
    Yesterday (not remembering) – its better like this. The worst is when you have to deal with your memory slowly coming back to you the next day. That’s the most mortifying thing.
    Y not? – Ditto to yolo
    Yeast infection – ew! Wtf?!
    Zack Morris – duno
    Zoloft – dunooooo
    Z-list celebrities – Dean Gaffney (Robbie from eastenders) asked me out on dm on twitter. I was just waiting for “I’m wellard for you” hahaahhahaahahaha
    Zombie apocalypse – this is stupid.

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