Human Nightmare

Me and my new boyfriend, Wolfman.

There’s nothing on this Earth I despise more than a free-spirited extrovert with an acoustic guitar. Ugh… it makes my skin crawl. No, wait. I thought of something worse- a free-spirited extrovert with an acoustic guitar and his cretinous sidekick on the bongos. Nightmare. You know the kind I mean- those baggy jeans, that scraggly beard, that long, flowing ponytail- he’s the poster-boy in a race of evil bastards, put on this Earth to torture us with their hymns of love and revolution and their “vibes.”

I am all too familiar with these types of people, as they appear to follow me everywhere I go. I swear, every time I turn around these days there’s some creep whimpering Redemption Song in my face. It’s terrifying. Just last night I was hanging out at Squallyoaks with some friends when, on cue, one of these minstrels strolled in, eager to destroy everyone’s fun by serenading us with a horrific rendition of Stairway to Heaven. Apparently he thought he was some sort of white, second-coming of Bob Marley. I don’t know. But his seemingly never-ending performance somehow managed to veer from cheesy to eerie to nauseating and all the way back to cheesy again before finally settling on complete and utter hell.

After about a half hour of suffering at the hands of this satanic flower-child, I finally decided to take things into my own hands and sing a little song of my own. You know, to demonstrate both the severity and the utter arrogance of the situation. It went a little something like this:

And while we’re at it, here is another video filmed in Squallyoaks recently. It’s Darren demonstrating our favorite new way to play with our cat, DogEgg. The highly skilled editing was done by my flatmate, Dazzle, who, by the way, has started a blog of his own: The Dazzle Diaries. It’s good, but no where near as good as mine.
Warning: No cats were harmed in the making of this video.



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