I Take it Back

I don’t know how I forgot about all the great things this country has to offer. For one, everyone looks so different in America. Not to say that everyone is exceptionally good looking, but at least we don’t all have the same face (like in England where everyone looks like a bulldog). Plus, the accent is cooler. Clearly. I mean, have you ever heard an English person say “rat bastard?” Well if you haven’t it sounds like this: rot bostaard. Pussies. And the food rules here. Hello! Pizza and a milkshake delivered to your door for six mother fucking dollars. And, most importantly, American TV kicks massive ass. Uh—The View. Pure genius. Those bitches deserve an Oscar for the passionate and heated performances they give the American public every morning. And then there’s Oprah. The woman makes Mother Theresa look like Lil’ Kim. And don’t even get me started on Tyra Banks and her growing TV empire. Wow. I guess this really is what pride feels like.

Another reason why I’m loving my new American lifestyle is that I’m just generally getting used to all the normal people things that my house here has to offer. You know, things like heating, food, a shower… unlike in Squallyoaks which is a freezing, showerless hell hole where the only food around is the odd rotting chicken carcass half smashed into the carpet. The life of luxury is very tempting indeed.

However, I have to admit there are a few things I miss about England. One of them being K Cider, which we don’t have here (it tastes like carbonated piss but two cans gets you blackout drunk). Another being my squatmate Hannah. I’ve been thinking about her a lot recently and I’ve decided I think I want to put her breasts in my mouth. I’ve also been longing to hear some shitty Euro trance lately. Actually fuck that, I’ve got emo. Oh yeah and I also sort of miss my boyfriend or whatever…

But these are all things that can wait. Sitting at home on my parent’s couch in a sweat suit eating spray cheese while in the midst of a thirty-six hour long Lost marathon, however, is something I most definitely need to be doing right fucking now. (Matthew Fox, if you’re reading this, I love you with all of my heart and I want to have your rugged, tattooed island babies.)

Wow. I’m really enjoying my newfound patriotism. For the first time I feel like I belong. I’m not some weird ex-patriot surrounded by a bunch of retards drenched in eyeliner, blabbing on about synths and scarfing down meat pies or whatever it is they eat there. Fuck that shit. I’m at home with my people. I’m so real right now. I might even go to K-Mart later. Love my life.