I’m not a Virgin Anymore

American food. Courtesy of my mom.

It happened. I (along with my partner in crime Lauren “ Batface Killer” Dillard) finally lost my Karaoke virginity. I feel like a new woman- like I’ve been reborn into a glowing, musically confident superstar who would totally impress Simon Cowell if I auditioned for American Idol. The song of choice was (clearly) Bonnie Tyler‘s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” as it allows for you to do lots of passionate screaming and emotional crouching whilst also looking sexily distraught. At first I was nervous. This is because, admittedly, I barely knew any of the words, but also because sometimes when I have to get up in front of a crowd I get this weird rash on my face from nerves that makes me look like an uncomfortable, bloated clam. Not a good look. My nerves began to fade, however, when I got my first glimpse of the competition. First there was the boy-girl duo that sang Evanescence’s “Wake Me Up Inside.” Seriously, why? Astronomically hideous song choice aside, they looked like something out of one of those random pictures of freaks you find on Google and laugh at with your friends whilst pointing at the computer screen and clutching your stomach because you can barely breath from laughing so hard. Seriously, she looked like some sort of anorexic prostitute version of Mrs. Clause. And he was just naked. Like totally naked. I saw his micropenis. Honestly, I was pretending to watch their performance but all that kept going though my head was, “who are you, you crazy demon creatures?” and “why are your faces so small?” Next there was the group of girls who spent the entire night walking around screaming, “Where are y’all from? We’re from Georgia!” at everyone in the bar, and doing weird grinding moves that made them look like southern strippers in a bad rap video. They sang “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy.” Clearly. The best, though, was the sexually repressed guy in the plaid corset and matching thigh-highs who sang Gloria Gaynor’s “I am what I am,” all whilst crawling around on the stage like a deranged porno lion, and growling like the gender-confused cat-man that he was.

So yeah, we were up against some serious talent. Because of the half bottle of Yager we’d downed before we went on, however, reading the promoter was totally out of the question. I held it together, though, by doing some uber-sexy dance moves I’d leaned from watching Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” music video on repeat for the 4 days prior, while Lauren did her part by continuously making some sort of strange gargling noise that I can only describe as being a weird, futuristic form of interpretive voice art. Either that or she was speaking in Tongues and I was just to wasted to notice.

I don’t remember much after that. My last memory is of Lauren mumbling something that resembled the words “I love America” and then puking up onto the pavement.

Speaking of losing virginity, last night I drove past the football field where I was de-flowered. It was emotional. And yes, I actually did lose my virginity in a football field–more specifically the football field behind my high school. It was beautiful. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was 16 and had long blond highlighted hair. He was 14 and weighed roughly 90 pounds. We started going out three days before. I know it sounds like we might have rushed things, but he was just so fucking sexy that I couldn’t wait. He wasn’t perfect, but I found beauty in all of his flaws. He worked at McDonald’s, but I liked the fact that he always smelled like french-fries. He looked (in my mother’s words) like he “was about to die,” but I found the fact that you could see every one of his skinny bones through his pale transparent skin a massive turn-on. I even liked the fact that he listened to emo. Sigh. I’m getting all nostalgic just thinking about it.

God, what an emotional rollercoaster of fun these past two weeks have been! What’s next? Making a bear out of snow and then putting tits on it so I can take creepy pictures of me groping it? Oh wait… I already did that. Here are the pics.



2 Replies to “I’m not a Virgin Anymore”

  1. i HATE that we didnt hang out in the US and that you arent going to be back for ages.i didnt see the article in dazed – did it get chopped?:(

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *