Intern Part 2

Pegah and Julia. Both virgins.

So far my search for an intern has been extremely successful. Far more than I had predicted it would be, anyway, as I didn’t think anyone was actually dumb enough to volunteer for the position of changing my tampons / acting as my human bench, without any promise of pay or future gain. But apparently I was wrong. Looks like there are loads of sick fucks out there just begging for the opportunity to render their lives completely pointless. Lucky me.

I have narrowed it down to three applicants. They are as follows:

Erin, 19 York

What Erin has to say: I’m an alright person, like I can do some really cool stuff. I think I have a really good singing voice so I could sooth you with it when you’re stressed and also I can bake nice cakes. I can also beat box and break dance really well. I can walk really fast for long periods of time. I’m available to start, like, whenever. I’m pretty cool. My fave TV show eva is ANTM. Tyra is my idol!!

Why I like her: I like that Erin managed to specify the fact that she is cool twice in just a short paragraph. Very impressive. We also have a lot in common, as we are both Tyra obsessives and are both really good at singing.

Why I don’t: Our similarities lead me to believe she could be too cool, thus overshadowing me.

Dan, 21, Essex

What Dan has to say: I couldn’t let the fantastic opportunity to be your bitch pass by without comment! Not only will I do all that shit you require from a voluntary slave/whore but I can also phone your frienemies with poor excuses why you can’t be bothered to hang out with them, and hold your hair out of your face as you puke up last night’s debauchery. Get back to me, we’ll meet up, you’ll fall a little in love with me but that’s alright, I’ll understand.

Why I like him: I like that Dan had the incentive to think up tasks he could potentially perform for me on top of those I mentioned in my ad, i.e. holding my hair out of my face when I’m barfing. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that myself. Silly me. I also like that he’s a boy and therefore has a cock.

Why I don’t: Will need to see full nude in order to decide.

Leanne, 19, London

What Leanne has to say: I might be slightly confused if this is a real ad for an Internship and am slightly confused whether it is my low self esteem which is making me want to be a slave, but I’ll be a slave. I don’t have any idea how to apply or what you want to know. What should I tell you? I live in London, I was but am not a student now and I’m in a shitty job which makes me what to die. Slavery seems like the better option.

Why I like her: I have respect for anyone with the balls to sign up for an unpaid job despite the fact that they have no idea what it is, what it entails, or even how to apply. I also just generally have affection for people with low self esteem.

Why I don’t: She sounds like a cryer.

Decisions decisions. Any thoughts / suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.



8 Replies to “Intern Part 2”

  1. i think you should make it more interesting, make them send in videos like of erin singing, if she is supposed to be a good singer right, and you can also use the oppoutunity to see what dan looks like naked, i wonder if he'l look nice hmmm?i do like dans inventivness, but maybe not imaginative enough, like i would offer to totally be there with a prit stick whenever you need stuffed glued and always have a spare grape in my pocket because you just cant fit a watermelon in your mouth.applicant 3 seems like a cryer!why didnt i apply? damn it! oh excuse the spelling im a retard…

  2. I kinda feel in Pop idol! well i'll go for Dan! cause: 1)cock (that could always be useful…completely)2) i have the feeling that he's cute, (if he's not you can kill me later)3) he seems funny (if he's not you can bring me to life and kill me again)4) Dan is a pretty good name5) maybe he's the freak/cute but normal guy you're looking forbut i do agree with Samuel (who i love now because Sam is my fucking favourite name ever): "you should make it more interesting"

  3. "And if that fails, pour heavy liquor down their throats; last man (or, ofc, woman) standing wins."Of course! How could I forget that?If they all fall down at the same time, see who makes up a good excuse the fastest."Gravity pushed me down."

  4. Well if the third one isn't bright enough to know if the ad is real, she's not bright enough to be your seat, right? And as for the first one, anyone who spells 'ever' 'eva' must be exterminated. So that leaves the second one…who looks like he has good gay best friend potential, too.

  5. OH MY GOD, YOU PICKED THE ONES I PICKED, LOL Choose all three. I know this is old, but I'm sure you could look them up. When it comes to human slaves, the more the merrier, am I right?

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