Intern Part 4

Applications to be my slave– oops! I meant intern – have been flooding in lately! And since Stan has become more just something I stare at and occasionally get to change my underwear, I figured, why not get another?! However, reading through people’s CVs got way boring, so I decided to ask the applicants for some more pressing information about themselves. You know, stuff I care about, like what they look like and which celebrities they want to fuck. Here is a selection of my most recent entrants. And please, let me know what you think. I trust your judgment implicitly – as long as I agree with it.

Erin (aka Rainbow Starcloud Flowerchild), 19, York

Describe yourself in seven words.
Attracted to both boys and family pets.

What’s the best thing about you?
That would be my face. I did drama at GCSE level and it really pays off in day to day life. I can pull any expression you throw at me. Sad, happy, excited… you name it, pal, I can do it. People are normally very impressed with this and I always receive praise. Both that and my singing.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
I am right for the internship as I am very easily manipulated and accommodating so I would cater to ALL your needs. Yum yum. I also have some cool rollerskates, which I have learnt some rad tricks on, my dog pulls me along on them too.

Name three people you’d like have sex with and why.
1. Des O’Connor: Now, not when he was younger – and preferably in the shower.

2. Mark Renton: Vulnerable and hot, especially in the hallucinating baby on ceiling scene.

3. Enrique Iglesias: Self explanatory? I like his mole.

Daniel Devine, 20, London

Describe yourself in seven words.
Daniel. Devine. Is. Bad. At. Describing. Himself.

What’s the best thing about you?
My record collection.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
Because I have no other interesting jobs at the moment.

Name three people you’d like have sex with and why.
Keira Knightley: Do I need to elaborate?

Pocahontas: I’m feeling native.

Anyone who will let me.

Dan, 30, Brighton

Describe yourself in seven words.
Clean, fast, cheap, sarcastic, meretricious, dedicated, articulate.

What’s the best thing about you?
I’m a great person to have around – entertaining, fun, good conversation, and I’m a funky dancer.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
I’m a great writer, both analytical and imaginative. I’m dedicated to writing. Also I make a great cup of tea and I’m tall enough to reach things on even the highest shelves. Oh and I have an English degree.

Name three people you’d lo like have sex with and why.
Sarah Silverman: She looks so good but she talks so bad!

Shakira: If you watch her new video on mute with the radio on it’s actually quite good.

Anyone who gives me a job – and that’s a promise you can cut your hair with!

Leanne, 19, London

Describe yourself in seven words.
Concealed, sporadic, phat, sarcastic, diligent, imaginative, waster.

What’s the best thing about you?
My life is a shambles – a useless, confused existence where love and money are a rare occurrence. Yet somehow things aren’t all bad.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
I’m right for the internship as I really feel my life is wasting away. I have the drive to do something I’m interested in and wanting to learn about. I’m not going back to uni because it’s not hands-on enough. For the moment, my drive is getting this internship and seeing where it can lead to. I am not focused on a set area or just have a dead mindset to only learn that one square of skill. I’d be there for the whole. I’m also a photographer.

Name three people you’d lo like have sex with and why.
Yannis Philippakis: If he fucks like he makes music, he’ll be like a god or something.

Peter Serafinowicz: He was in Black Books and Spaced, and a lot of other shows. He was the first guy I had a remotely sexual dream about, and his voice does to me what it does to Fran in Black Books.

Florence Welch: I don’t think I’m gay but I would be
for her.

Bruno, 24, Dublin (via Argentina)

Describe yourself in seven words.
Charming Argentinian following his heart and your blog.

What’s the best thing about you?
I’m helpful and open-minded.

Why do you think you are right for the internship? What are your skills?
Me and you would get on really well. I make music and write all the time. Seeking new lands, music, art forms, and seeing people pass in the streets is something I love, then I write about, at least I try.

Name three people you’d lo like have sex with and why.
The girl off the internship article photo, because that’s why I am applying.

Liv Tyler, so I can hear her elfin orgasm, and maybe get near Aerosmith and tell them how I don’t like them.

Finally I think I would have anal sex with the Argentinian president because she has maybe never had it, so she can feel what she does all the time with us.

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