Late Twenties

Photo by Richard Kern

I turn 27 in a week, which is tragic. Well, not really. To be honest I gave up caring about getting older after I hit the quarter-century mark (which temporarily destroyed me), because I realized that as you age, you gain more than just some cellulite. You gain some positive things, too. For example: knowledge; confidence; the ability to tell what clothes and hairstyles actually suit you; Facebook friends; the will to work more and be a drunken slob less; success; the confidence to weed-out the shitty people in your life and surround yourself with people who actually care about you and act as a positive influence, be that friends, lovers or even family members (cheesy but true); and ultimately, you just gain the ability to think for yourself. Or, at least this is how aging should affect us. Sometimes it doesn’t work out this way, which is when getting older becomes #tragic and depressing. Thankfully, I think I’m doing reasonably well at most of the things I listed above, although now that I’m officially entering my LATE TWENTIES (aka almost 30 aka old) there are a few things I want to change about my life. First, I’ll tell you a story:

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of interviewing one of my idols, the 91 year old style icon, Iris Apfel. As expected she was extremely nice, smart and funny, but there was one thing in particular that she said that really stuck with me. She said, “Darling, you really are a beautiful girl, but you could do with dressing a bit more more conservatively. You’d look a lot better. You really could be smashing, but you way you dress is, well… let’s put it this way: it’s not elegant.” This, as you can imagine, put me into a state of mild panic. I am not elegant?! I thought. I guess I’d never really thought about it, as I was always less concerned with looking elegant and more concerned with looking, like, “hot”. My response to her was, “But I like wearing tight clothes. It makes me feel sexy.” (I should probably mention that I was not even wearing my trashiest attire. I was dressed in a way I thought appropriate for a professional interview with a 91 year old woman, in a red leather shirt and turtleneck crop-top, which revealed about an inch, or slightly less, of my midriff.) To this Iris responded, “You can wear tight clothes, and you can be sexy, but being sexy is not about being trashy, because that comes across as desperate. I think a little mystery is sexy, and that dressing too revealing reveals something bad about a person.” At this moment, I had an epiphany: I don’t want to come across like a desperate, Kim Kardashian ho who’s constantly dying to be railed. I want to be an elegant person whose overall appearance says, “Hey or whatever, I don’t need your attention because I’m casually aloof about my natural sex appeal. And p.s. you could never sleep with me in a million years.” I’m almost 30, for fuck’s sake.

So… following this moment of revelation I immediately went home and manically threw out all of the trashiest clothes in my closet. This included all of my see-through tops (i.e. 50% of my wardrobe) and things like plastic stripper heels and the $19 mini-dress made of neon pink mock-lace that I wore almost every day this past summer. I then went to Beacons Closet and bought a variety of sweaters and modest blouses, as well as a pair of boots with a sensible, 2.5 inch heel.. Then, still in my state of ‘needing to feel elegant’ panic, I cut five inches off my hair with a pair of those giant Ikea scissors with the red handle, feeling like a shoulder-length bob somehow better exuded elegance than whatever Brigitte-Bardot-copied haircut I had before. The following day, when I asked my friend Ally what she thought of my new hair, she cocked her head sideways and said, “Well, before you had, like, sexy hair, but this is sort of, well… it’s like… I guess you could call it post-sexy?” And I was like, “Damn gurl, I like the sound of that!” Post-sexy: it’s more than just a hairstyle, it’s a way of life.

But moving on, there are some other things about my life that need improving. For one, I want an actual bed frame that stands up off the ground. I’m done with sleeping on the floor like a peasant. I want to sleep risen into the air like the superior being that I am. Also, I want to get a dresser so that I can store my clothes in a drawer, rather than in a giant trash pile next to my floor bed. And lastly, I think I want to start eating meat again, because I swear to god all the tofu I eat is making me fucking fat. I feel like I’ve been deceived into thinking that tofu and soy milk are lean forms of protein, but recently all I hear is people talking about how overly processed and unnatural tofu is, as well as these horror stories about how tofu suppresses thyroid function and turns people into fat fucks. GOD. And what even is tofu anyway? No one knows. It looks like it’s from space. Well, listen up, I’m not a fucking scientologist and I don’t want want any of your space tofu, thanks. And why did I even decide to become vegetarian in the first place? I literally hate animals. The only thing I like about being veggie is that in restaurants and at dinner parties I get to say things like, “Excuse me, is this vegetarian?” and “Oh no, I won’t have that hamburger, I don’t eat meat,” which immediately makes everyone around you understand that you’re better than them. Which is, clearly, the sole point of existing.



78 Replies to “Late Twenties”

  1. oh slutever, I love you but tofu is good for you, and made only of soybeans and is not over processed at all.

    and being vegetarian is like, the most glamorous thing. seriously. nobody eats meat anymore, nobody.

    meat is dead and nasty and pretty tragic ;)

  2. Congrats Sweetie!
    There’s a whole “Let’s change, change is good, and good is sexy” thingy that makes everything better. You are obvs not trashy at all, but I can’t wait to see your new look :).
    And finally, giving up vegetarianism, is like, the NEW IMPROVED trend! forget about the tofu and eat some good o’steak, I mean… is lean protein anyways, duh.

  3. I had a similar revelation after turning 26… so I started wearing my androgynous tranny bff’s clothes. Sweater vests and button-up blouses! Yeah!

  4. Probably one of your best posts ever. But i am 29 (aka really, really, really close to 30yrs old yikes, never!). This is classic 27itis. Which i didnt even know existed (and then i turned 26 which got me a year closer to 27). And 27itis is a pretty amazing year to be having sex (EVER, like EVER). You are officially in your prime – talk about animalistic!!!!!! Take it from someone who is now like old! Twenty six and twenty seven were pretty hot. Squirting, cumming, deep penetration orgasms, giving the best blow jobs, and i got really good at anal. Seriously get into it! Not to mention probably the best wardrobe year of my life! plus a long list of hot hot hot lovers. Seriously live it up! And this year is probably the best looking your breasts will ever be! Unless you get a boob job!? dun dun dun dunnnnn But who wants that right? Right?! x

  5. Being over 30 has been the best part of my life so far (I’m 32). I just feel like IDGAF more than ever, in a good way. And I don’t even mean I’m a slob now. I dress way better and keep my place cleaner than ever before. But I worry a lot less about what other people think and I just feel a lot more free to be myself. It’s like whatever chemicals make you a spazzed out anxiety-ridden teenager just continue to fade away as you get older, which is so rad.

  6. So maybe you’re being sarcastic and stuff and you prolly have heard this before from some better-than-you-saint… But SERIOUSLY! Read Eating Animals and stay veggie. K thx bye

  7. haha, welcome to the in your late 20’s club.

    post pictures of your new hair?

    i really like this post but i don’t think you should try to change your life just because you’re turning 27. live the life you want to live and don’t focus too much on your age.

    1. This is a good point – fuck age it’s irrelevant, however generally taking stock of what you want and who you are is always a good thing and needs to be done from time to time.

      Plus, there’s no denying that as the years go by our styles evolve – it’s natural

  8. tofu is soy bean juice curd type cheese loaf thing.

    i love this piece, it’s so karley.

    i am 40 and i’ve never felt more grand — things do get better, just make sure to have cool people to share the betterness with :) i started to ditch my youthful slut clothes around in my 30s, albeit, i didn’t wear quite as trashy shit as you – but still – it HAS to be done, otherwise we women in slutty clothes after 30ish look real uhhhh… dumb.

    i can’t wait to see your new look!!!

    i like the older more grown up karley.

  9. Karley,

    You sexy genius. Sometimes you say things and I want to hit you upside yo’ head. Other times I am so turned on I have to keep my hands on the area of the computer meant for typing. Here you are at your finest. Well done! You were you, not trying too hard, and just right.

    As a twenty-seven year old let me tell ya: it only gets better. Being 30 is going to RULE. Imagine all the sex you can have when you’re 30. THIRTY. That’s when you get confident, know what you want, who not to waste your time with, and who knows exactly how to lick your puss puss.

    You’re a hero for twenty-something girls everywhere.




  10. Post-sexy. I also heard the term “post-racial” the other day. Perhaps these are good times after all. Also, don’t tell me that in all your pop-culture glory you havent heard of tempe, its made of soybeans like tofu but isn’t as processed.

    Your need for fame and feeling better than everyone is very similar to a survivalist instinct. If you had been raised in Arkansas like me, you’d probably be a tom-boy huntress. Everything is circumstance..

  11. Also, as a 27-year old living in culturally-inept AR whose car just broke down so I can’t see Ssion tonight in Springfield, Missouri (#tragictimes1million), I needed this. <3 <3 <3

      1. I reFUSED to be tragic for the night, borrowed my cousins car and drove 2 and a half hrs to see his performance. He is so genuine and intelligent: exactly what the South needs more of. This is the best pic drunk ppl were able to take of us:

  12. Hah! I turned 28 recently. It seems that since I turned 27 I stoped worrying about my getting old and being wistful about my 20’s. I’m now an “adult adult”, I hang out with people in their 30’s and 40’s and don’t even think about their age anymore as if I was on a different cathegory from them or something. They don’t seem to think much about my age either. Talking about beds… indeed sleeping without a frame sucks (been there during college). Mine for now is a regular one but I wish to go even higher :P I’m half-way the building of a hybrid bed/drawer of sorts, a loft bed. I’m a engineer, I’m into building stuff I could just purchase. :)

    I found out your blog just now after googling you because of a piece Rebecca Watson wrote thrashing your first article on Jezebel. Thread carefully with her in case you decide not to ignore her altogether. She’s that not very nice type of feminist “armchair activist” who doesn’t let things go easily. She mentioned something in her article, that Jezebel is a feminist website. Unsure if she was being ironic because I don’t read Jezebel at all, but if by that she meant Jezebel is the type of website that would welcome her type of ideology as opposed to your style, then this might mean trouble and perhaps it might behoove you to take it down a notch on following blog posts, or something.

  13. hi karley,
    i really liked this post. i went through a similar thing where i was less concerned with looking hot/dressing for sexiness and more concerned with looking elegant. i feel much more powerful now, it’s like when my therapist always told me to “act as if.” the funny thing is, i get hit on *way* more, and by a *way* hotter caliber of guys.

    anyway, i heard about this book, how to look expensive, and maybe you want to check it out. i haven’t read it but i think i will, some of my girlfriends liked it. anyway, i think this look — chic, sort of understated relative to your old look — will be really good for you. i’m looking forward to seeing it and to seeing you branch out in other interesting ways as you ENTER THE INDIAN SUMMER of your life.

    also, fuck all these eating animal vegetarian motherfuckers. who gives a shit about an animal when i was the fattest i’ve ever been as a vegan, when i’d literally slather a hunk of tofu with bbq sauce and then praise myself for not eating some lean meat. in the battle of cellulite vs. some rando cow, the cellulite will always, always, always win. don’t let them try to trick you into thinking you can lose weight either, because when the urge to binge strikes, it’s so much easier to gorge on some high-carb vegan/vegetarian snacks like pirates booty or whatever than do some hippie jamie oliver shit. like i even HAVE time for that. i mean i HAVE time for it, i just want CONVENIENCE. like so much better to eat some turkey wrapped around an asparagus stalk, or something.

  14. Aw, we’re the same age. I got a real bed for the first time ever this year and holy shit did I not even know what I was missing. All that time I’d convinced myself I liked sleeping on a futon, but my Emerald Crown mattress makes me feel like a pretty pretty princess floating on a fluffy but firm cloud. (I got it at Sleepy’s in Greenpoint, you can bargain with them a little.)

    As for the clothes, I’m a firm believer you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in (yeah slutwalk!) but personally, I am just not comfortable getting that much attention from random men anymore. I used to not care (or maybe I even liked it a little) and I don’t know if I’m “letting them win” or whatever, but I am a straight lady and I have trouble not looking at girls’ tits when they are out, so I got creeped out by how much dudes must have been staring at them. (They are always going to look at them a little, but whatever.) That said, anyone who judges you for having your boobs out can go straight to hell.

    PS: Animal torture is tragic. Tofu is plenty healthy, but you should switch it up with beans and stuff if you’re concerned about the fat content. But you need some fat, or your hair won’t be shiny!

  15. So eating a lot of soy actually is bad for you. Almost all of the soy you eat in popular veg products (e.g. Silk Soy Milk; Morningstar Veggie Burgers, etc.) is made from GMO soybeans, which means that the genetic makeup of these soybeans has been altered to extend shelf life, among a whole slew of other depressing things. If you do start eating meat, make sure it’s grass-fed beef or you’ll be consuming a whole lot of other depressing bullshit that people should not be putting into their bodies, like hormones and e coli.

  16. omg, this totally depressed me. WRONG!!!! NOT YOU TOO!!!!!!!!
    let me tell you something from the other side of 30. 37 to be exact. mother of 3 with badass career. this is total bullshit. as you will see, EVERYONE around you will turn increasingly asexual-looking with age. it is like a black hole that pulls everyone into it. you are not supposed to be sexy as you get older. because that is trashy. you have to dress and act “age-appropriately” and frown on anyone who doesn’t. well FUCK THAT! i check out the other mothers at school drop off in the morning. they are like clones of each other. everyone trying not to offend the other by any sexual display. some elegant. some frumpy. all choking on their own self-imposed group-think-style non-sexy elegance. Karley, fuck that 91-year-old’s advice. it was bad advice. be sexy and own it. to be sexy is power. and to own it is even more powerful.

    1. Ok, but sexy is in the eye of the beholder and few people look upon desperate as sexy.

      I don’t think Karls is going to look like a frump or school gate mom clone anytime soon either so chillz out.

      Also, to truly own it I think you need to exert control over who can see it, clothes should reveal enough that every guy is envious of but also gives kudos to the guy who gets full access…

      Just my 2p

    2. I completely agree with you. This post pissed me off for exactly this reason, and I’m only 21. Iris Apfel, you’ve just made an enemy.

  17. LOL listen to all these vegetarians whining and crying cause someone is leaving the cult. It’s not about cutting ~animal products out of your diet, most of the fake meat have more chemicals, toxins and other bs than regular meat. Eat organic, that’s whats up. If you’re getting fat it’s probably from all the modified this and hydrogenated that in your vegetarian diet.

    Ugh, can’t stand vegetarians who sit up on their high horse preaching healthy living when they’re basically eating modified cornstarch and high fructose corn syrup with chicken flavouring and iceberg lettuce. Fix it up.

  18. just hope you’re actually doing this because it’s something you desire, not just because you’ve been getting slut-shamed all around town lately. also sustainable eating–local, grass fed, wild caught–is far more glamorous than any mere vegetarian could ever hope to be ;)

  19. You probably won’t mind me saying you have an excellent bod! You can still be sexy and classy by being selective. Like one outfit show bare legs (depending on the weather) but have a loose shirt on. Then the next day team a peek of cleavage with opaque tights. Also, cheap clothes look more expensive if they’re black or a darker colour. I live in Newcastle and the girls up here look like they want attention and they’d give out blozzers for five quid behind the bins, even if they’ve never even brought a guy back home. It’s way more surprising and refreshing when a demurely dressed girl is up for it. I think that’s true feminism.

  20. You already know this, but there are no age limitations for the way you dress. You should dress in the way that suits your personality and style, whatever makes you feel confident, sexy, etc. If you feel like you embody sexiness wearing leather skirts looking like a hot schoolgirl at 27 then why the fuck not? I don’t understand this What-Not-To-Wear culture we’re living in where after we reach a certain age we can no longer dress “out of the norm” and must start shopping at Banana Republic & co.

    tl;dr – dress how you want, whatever your age.

  21. THANK GOD !!! Think the wise ol lady tou spoke to had your back fo sho, glad she helped you i think that was what i was trying to say in my clumsy way about the shirt. This is you at your best – simple, honest revalations about self that we all have but somehow dont say out loud, and so smartly and zietgeist-y ( there’s no way that’s a word) written.

    We all want to feel we still got it, but knowing it rather than asking it with our image / persona certainly seems to get better results and total kudos for sharing

    Here’s to you x

  22. I’m turning eighteen and getting to that point where i feel like i want to move out of my mom’s house.. as much as I don’t want to. Maybe reading this is good for me, thinking about coming to terms with current age and evolving past that feeling of immaturity.

  23. I think as we get older we learn different ways to be sexy. (Though, being younger I should stfu). But def feel free to explore a new, less revealing sexy. And then if it’s not for you, change. I used to define sexy as looking like a “rebel”. I still find that look sexy but I’m moving into a more feminine, but grown up phase. It’s fun!

    Also, I think the negative feedback from the Jez column is leading more awesome people to your blog. Just look at this comment thread! :D

  24. Karley, I was majorly pissed off by this post for a number of reasons, the first one being that you taught me how to dress for my shape. Before I was fortunate enough to stumble across this blog, my wardrobe consisted of overly long jeans, ill-fitting bras, and unflattering t-shirts and tank-tops. I’m a curvy girl like you are (32DD) and let me tell you something I’ve learned in my relatively short lifetime. When you have big boobs, EVERYTHING makes you look trashy. You can either embrace that fact and wear what makes you feel good, or you can spend your entire life dressed like a frumped up, insecure wallflower, hiding in her clothes.

    The second reason that this pissed me off was that she was presumptuous enough to tell YOU how you should be dressing. Being a fashion icon does not give her that right. Fashion is self-expression. It’s how you choose to represent yourself to the world. Likewise, everyone’s sense of style, and sources of inspiration are going to be different, because every person is different.

    The third reason that this pissed off is that she justified the EXACT TYPE of thinking that has been used to objectify women for eons. Every woman, no matter how she dresses, is a human being, and worthy of respect, and her telling you that the way you dressed made you look desperate was extraordinarily juvenile for a 90 year old woman.

    I visited an aunt of mine in Texas and she (making some backhanded comment about a dress I was wearing) said that she’d dressed that way when she was young, and that she’d stopped when she had her son because she didn’t want him thinking of women in “that way”. I responded that, while that was respectable, I would prefer that my son know that just because a women is dressed a certain way DOES NOT mean that she’s hankering for male attention, and that women are worthy of respect regardless of how they are dressed. She doesn’t like me much now.

    And lastly Karley, you’re almost 27. You are more than 10 years too old to be letting a comment from some random woman throw you into a sea of insecurity and cause you to call your entire being into question. I swear to God, I read this blog sometimes and I think you’re 14. I understand that she’s your idol, but I wouldn’t take fashion advice from a 91 year old Coco Chanel, and neither should you.

  25. I’m still going to dress “sexy”. I don’t plan on being a boring frump. I just want to look a little bit more classy, rather than like the sort of person who sells oral sex on Craigslist, ya know?

  26. FINALLY! You did it. Your revelation came a little late, but you did it Karley. I had my revelation this year – my 21st! You realize all those awful people are just pieces of rubbish in your already pigsty of life. I am so glad you are over the whole slutever phase (that lasted a little too long to be honest) I loved reading about your older stories (fucking hilarious! The whole blog should just be about these ‘zany’ experiences) You’ve taught me many valuable lessons in this queer thing we call life.

    maybe you could re-name the blog tutever (as in to “tut tut” at things) like what NOT to do in life. Life lessons, in other words.

  27. ps. Real vegetarians don’t eat tofu! That stuff (whatever it is) taste like anus and we all know anus is not good for you. Just stick to delicious falafels, chickpeas, beans (they make you fart) white kidney beans (they make you shit a lot – good for digestion and losing weight)

    pss. Karley – let’s get real. You have breasts. incredible ones at that, large ones at that. It’s very hard to look ‘elegant’ in anything. But I really think you’d suit the whole Christina Hendricks look. Not as 50’s but in a more modern way. I also think you’d look SUPER-SEXY with strawberry blonde hair. Think about it. Mmm.

    I’m just happy you’re over it. Keep us posted on the hilarities of your bizarre-yet-cute life

  28. yeah i think losing the platinum blonde would be a really great elegant start to you. not like dark because that’d look bad too. i’m thinking like a million different shades of highlights, lowlights — like shades of honeys. THINK EXPENSIVE

  29. I never give a shit about getting older. It’s inevitable, no point wasting energy worrying about it. I’m 32 now and have to say I’m enjoying my 30s way more than I did my 20s. I’m more confident, feel wiser, don’t waste my time hanging out with the douchebags I knew in my 20s i.e. quality over quantity, I don’t waste time worrying if I’m ‘cool’ or not, I’m at my sexual peak and am generally much happier. Go with the flow girlfriend!

    You are so hot right now…..enjoy and stop worrying how you look and how others perceive you. It;s corny I know, but if you love yourself others will too. The blonde hair really suits you….but then you’d look gorgeous no matter what you wore/did xxxx

  30. I don’t have the patience to read all your comments so I don’t know what everyone else said about tofu but it made me fat too. It’s the hormones I think. This little girl I know was lactose intolerant and got her period when she was 8. The doctors said it was because of all the hormones in the soy, which is what tofu is also made from (I’m sure you know that).

  31. I’m confused, but for me each time you say “GOD” it sounds like “Karley Sciortino” for the frenchise that I am :(

  32. if you were considered one year old immediately at birth, then the number we use to refer to 29th year on earth would be considered 30; inconsequential existential pseudo-angst would be directed at that arbitrary designation instead. So, fuck it. for all intents and purposes you’re just as much in your early thirties now as you will be, for all intents and purposes, in your late twenties when you actually are in your early thirties.

    fuck it.

  33. On the note of diet and vegetarianism: If you feel that you’re not getting the health benefits (or the appearance benefits) out of a vegetarian diet, I’d recommend looking into the Paleo diet. Paleo’s focus is on avoiding foods that were recently introduced to our diet (recently being a relative term: Homo sapiens has been around as a species for about 200,000 years and the foods restricted on the Paleo diet were introduced in the last 10,000 or so, at least in the quantities we consume them), such as grains (wheat, corn, rice, etc), legumes (soy and other beans), seed oils (canola oil, sunflower oil, peanut oil [which is technically a legume oil], and others), and added sugar (i.e. not naturally occurring sugars in food but sugar added during processing). The rationale behind it is that our species hasn’t had time to adapt to these foods through evolution, so that some foods which were good in moderation (like sugar) become toxic in large quantities and certain foods with natural defenses against consumption (wheat and legumes and seeds) we have no defense against. Don’t be turned off by the word “diet” in the name though — Paleo isn’t about losing weight (though many people do lose body fat when they start eating Paleo) or starving yourself (in fact, part of the Paleo lifestyle is learning to eat when your hungry, until your full, which can be incredibly liberating if you’ve followed calorie-restriction diets before). It’s about eating foods we know our bodies are adapted to, so you can stay healthy and feel good and look good. If you’re at all interested in the subject, feel free to shoot me an email for more information, or you can check out Mark’s Daily Apple, the Whole30 bloggers, or Robb Wolf (google those names to find the sites, I didn’t want to post links in your comments, as that’s usually in poor taste) for better, easier to understand explanations. Whether you investigate Paleo or not, I applaud you for thinking about your food and how it relates to your health (and your appearance, which is definitely a part of health).

    Whew, that was a real block of text there. Tl;Dr: if you’re not happy with vegetarianism, google “paleo diet” and read up on it.

  34. I just turned 23, and while I don’t generally fret my age or aging in general, I do sometimes secretly lament how I’ll never be like an 18 year old wonder genius, you know? But then I think about all the people I admire and find interesting who’s ages are irrelevant, and it’s like ‘ok, exhale – they will never be wildly impressive teenagers either’, and history shows us those wildly impressive 18 year olds sort of fall into the woodwork eventually, doesn’t it? You are one of the people I remind myself exists when I worry that being in my twenties somehow automatically makes me less impressive. I think ‘Whatever, that Slutever girl’s like 26 or something. No one cares.’

  35. Wow. I’m 29, and I recently went through the same “maybe I shouldn’t be wearing platform boots/highwaisted short-shorts/tight crop tops as day wear anymore”. I used to never wear pants, only shorts and skirts. Yep, shit had to change. It’s grow-up-be-understated-sexy time.

    Love you Karley!

  36. When I turned 30 (2 years ago) my parents took me out to dinner and I had to try really really hard not to cry at the table. I guess I freaked out because I was 30 and nowhere near where I thought I would be in life. During this time I also realized that I had to let go of a lot of toxic relationships/friendships for me to progress and grow as a person. I guess saying goodbye to my 20’s also meant parting with people who had been in my social circle for many years and it was just downright heartbreaking. I really did learn the true meaning of friendship and I am more than content with being able to count my closest friends on 1 hand.

  37. Post pictures of your new, elegant outfits! I’m very curious to see the classy, post-sexy version of you! Please please

  38. karley! do you know what happened to sugar tit’s blog? it disappeared off the internet and now life is only half worth living (because you’re still here obvz)

  39. ” . . . dressing too revealing reveals something bad about a person.”
    It might also reveal something good: her figure.

  40. oh honey, i love you. i really do. you are 27, ahh memories. My advice: love every damn minute of the dreaded end of the 20’s because soon: gerber life adverts (ugh) in your old school mailbox and thinking that “hey i totally need to get life insurance because life is SO OVER.” I am almost 33 (jeez) 3 kids, husband, sexuality (finally) saying HELLO, I AM HERE HAPPY AS A FUCK, NOW SHOW ME SOME DICKS & VAGINAS STAT. You are fine. but yea the ‘trashy’ clothes have to come to their very sad end. it sucks. so hard. i want to dress like a trollop, desperately, (seriously) but i missed my chance, babies/wife-life came when i was 21 and sucked up my chances to be on slut patrol like a maggot eating away at decaying piece of whatever like a log on fire. But I am not unhappy about this, i actually enjoy getting older, I like what I like, I like being covered in public, I like being grumpy because I am tired and goddammit I want some damn coffee now otherwise kiss my ass. Enjoy every minute of aging, seriously enjoy it to the last drop like those dumb commercials. Then breathe, realize life is not over and carry the fuck on. Because my dear: you have a gift, the gift of being you. live my sweet and fuck numbers. :)

  41. fuck yes, Slutever, my queen. being sexy comes from within, elegant or not. when i realized the naturally abounding sexuality in people that don’t dress intentionally slutty i saw how fucking dripping hot everyone around me was in their own unique way. i think it’s definitely hotter to not always dress slutty, especially when you do you reallllly turn it on and can guarantee a good lay.

    and, fuck tofu. why would anyone eat processed tofu for the sake of being healthy if they can eat, say, locally grown farmer’s cheese?

    i’m so good at spotting celeb’s it’s only a matter of time before i see you in brooklyn, Slutever.

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