Listing: Lightspeed Champion

Dev: by Slutever

Dev Hynes, my friend and the musical mastermind behind Lightspeed Champion, asked me to write a guest blog for his website. Here’s what I wrote.

HI, I’m Karley, AKA Slutever. I’ve known Dev for a few years now, and for some reason the two of us can’t seem to get together without falling into the same, pseudo-philosophical conversation about the science of “being cool.” This entails going around in circles, trying desperately to put our fingers on the elusive formula—the paradoxal blueprint—necessary to create a person that is ultimately cool. (And yes, it is as embarrassing as it sounds.) For example: “Is it cool to send someone you like a text that says I NEED YOU TO FUCK ME, or is it cooler to not text at all and just pretend like you don’t care?” “No, I think that’s cool.” or “Does this shirt/pants combo make me look cool?” “No, it makes you look like you’re trying to be cool, which is actually uncool.” And so on…

However, the catch is, engaging in this type of conversation at all is quite obviously the farthest thing from cool anyone could ever do, because those who are inherently cool don’t have to dissect cool, they just are cool naturally. You follow? Whatevs.

Anyway, at the root of these discussions, really, is love (or lust, whichever you prefer), because deep down, the reason we all want to be cool so badly is so that someone else will think we’re cool, too, and then we’ll fall in love and live happily ever after in our own little cool bubble. (Gross?) However, due to a recent series of girl/life bummers, as of late Dev has become super jaded about love / life / the quest for cool / everything. It’s a total drag. The other day he actually said the sentence, “What’s the point in trying to meet a girl? The best scenario is that we fall in love, get married, have kids… and then she dies.” WHAT?! That’s like total psycho talk!

Trying to help, I informed Dev about a new love-finding technique I recently heard of called Listing. Listing is when you physically write out a list of the qualities you want and don’t want in a partner, thus helping you to focus your mind and hone in on your “target market.” Sounds good, right? (If you’re seeing red flags, ignore them.) Unfortunately, when I told Dev about Listing he was so down in the dumps that he merely rolled his eyes, frowned and mumbled, “I just don’t have it in me anymore.”

Being the good friend that I am, however, I went ahead and made a list for Dev, containing all the qualities I think he would like / dislike in a partner, based on the hours I’ve spent listening to him rant about all the girls he loves / hates / wants to fuck / wants to hate fuck / wants to die, and so on. Here goes:

Desirable:

Girls with vaginas
Girls that are unavailable (emotionally and physically)
Over 30s
Under 30s
Girls who suck dick like it’s their ambition in life (all guys like this, trust me)
Anyone not grossed-out by Chili Heat Wave Dorito breath
Semi nerds (i.e. geeky music knowledge, comic book fetishes, awkward bangs, etc)
Girls that are optimistic (to counteract his negativity)
Squirters
Pot heads
Girls with some money (not loads, but enough to buy him lunch)

Undesirable:

Girls who play games (some are OK, but don’t be OTT. You’re not Sarah Michelle Gellar.)
Girls who do not enjoy spending hours every day sitting around in bar/restaurant hybrids Brooklyn, staring at walls
Dumb girls (read a book you morons!)
Girls who are sexually timid
Drama queens
Girls who aren’t into getting married having a kids and moving to the West Village (eventually)

Ok now go and make a list for yourselves you spinsters!

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