Mid Life Crisis

Photo Matthew Josephs

“I think I’m going to become a lesbian,” said my mother down the phone. My mother received a four-handed massage from two Mexican women in Cancun last weekend and now she was contemplating converting to homosexuality.

“Wow mom,” I replied. “You’re so, like… edgy.” If I had to describe my mother in three words they would be ‘Jesus-loving prude.’ So if you can imagine, this statement came as quite a shock to me. Not to mention she’s still married to my dad.

“So mom, uuuhhhh, what girls do you fancy?” I was considering telling her about the massive lesbian rampage I embarked on last weekend- you know, to try and get her LEVEL- but I decided against it.

“Uh… uh… ohmygodooohhhmygodooohmmmygoooood.” This was the girl I fucked in Spain last weekend, Eva. Her head was tilted way back and she was squeezing her small breasts. It was so… I don’t know. Hot? Watching a girl orgasm is so much more fulfilling than watching a man. During ejaculation, mens’ faces tend to look like they’re giving birth in reverse.

“I’ve always had a thing for Diane Keaton,” my mother confessed, shyly. Weird. This was SO not my mom. I was pretty sure… no, wait, I was POSITIVE she was having a mid-life crisis.

“Your tits feel soooo good against mine.” This was Eva again. We only spent a few hours together but I sort of felt like I was in love with her. Girls have that effect on me.

“Yeah, I approve of Diane Keaton,” I said. “I like her style.” There was a long pause in which neither of us said anything. “I sort of know what you mean, mom, “I said, breaking the silence. “I sort of like girls too. They’re a lot, you know… nicer.” Wait, were we having a moment?

Strange as it may sound, imagining my mother having lesbian sex doesn’t gross me out. I can actually sort of envision how it would ensue. It’s far less repulsive than picturing her with my dad. Although this whole lesbian episode did feel suspiciously similar to the time she told me she wanted to get into gardening, then lost interest after buying a single potted plant.

“I’m at a place in my life now where I’m more concerned with finding someone I have a mental and spiritual connection with, than I am with sexual attraction,” said my mother.

“There’s some great lesbian porn on Redtube,” said me.

Mother: What?

Me: Nothing.

“Do you think when two gay men have sex they compare their dicks?” asked Eva.

“Probably,” I guessed. I had the sudden desire to compare labia.

“Oh, darling, I have to go,” said my mother. “Oprah’s on. Today’s show is about near-death experiences.”

“Ok,” I said. I didn’t want her to hang up. “I love you, mom.”

Mother: What?

Me: Nothing.

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