Naked

Still from film by Matthew Stone

Valentines: Eww. Gross. Whatever. Being a single loser, I originally planned to spend V-Day weekend at home alone, jerking off to a gay emo porno I recently purchased. However, despite my potent feelings of gloom, I somehow managed to have a surprisingly nice weekend. And by nice I really mean naked (which are basically synonymous in my book).

Spent Saturday night in my friend Matthew Stone’s studio, shooting a short film which—like the majority of his work—involved a bunch of naked people writhing about on top of each other, jerking and twisting their bare bodies in fits of rapture. Hot, no? I arrived to find my squatmate Kerri and three 19 year old boys—all members of the punk band Stavin Chains—naked in a pile on the floor, in the midst of what appeared to be a severely demented orgy. Bodies were tangled, bitten, and bonded to the point that it was difficult to decipher one person from the next. Before long we were all on the floor, covered in sweat and blood and spit and wine. It felt bizarre and sort of painful, but in a way that was so, I don’t know… sexy? Spiritual? Both work.

Woke up Valentines Day morning with a vague feeling of euphoria, left over from the previous night. Feeling newly optimistic, I went to my friend’s house party where I got out of my mind on mephadrone—some new legal drug you can buy over the internet and is apparently made of plant food?? Scary but also kind of fun. With everyone high and horny, the party turned into a bit of a sex fest. I ended up having a random foursome with a hot French couple and this boy I know who looks like a 12 year old Jarvis Cocker. How the sex began is a bit of a blur. I think French girl was hitting on me. Or maybe I was hitting on her. Who cares? What I can remember is that she was tall, skinny, and looked like Ludivine Sagnier mixed with a glass of milk. Very good. The sex was similar to most of the group sex I’ve had—hot but also fucked-up and vaguely unclear at times. We were all on the bed, moving in what seemed to be a unified spasm. I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of déjà vu from the previous night. Weird, I thought. I looked at Jarvis Kid. He looked so young, childlike even. I liked it. I Suddenly felt vaguely… uh… pedophilic? (Can I admit that?) I closed my eyes and felt a rush of warmth fall over my body. He’s so hot it’s confusing…

Woke up the following morning. Felt sort of like I wanted to kill myself, but someone had warned me that fantasies of suicide were a side effect of the plant food, so I just ignored it. In the evening I got a call from my mother. She wanted to know how I’d spent Valentines weekend. “It was… umm, great,” I said, through clenched teeth. “Really really great. I made a lot of nice… friends.”

“Well that’s just wonderful Darling,” she said in her ever-soothing voice. “You always were so… personable.”