I’m gunna tell you a story. The story of me. But we don’t have much time so you gotta read fast. It shouldn’t take you more than a few minutes to get through this so don’t even think about getting up to piss or pausing to daydream because time is of the essence. Now breath in.
So I guess I’m sort of like a God. A messiah, if you will. I can make people fall in love with me. People fall in love with me all the time. Guys are always tripping-out over me real hard. I don’t really care because I’m not gay. Fuck that shit. I mean, yeah I’ve fucked guys before but I wasn’t really into it. I’m more into girls if I’m into anybody, but most girls are dumb fucking bitches anyways so I don’t really give a fuck about them either. I prefer the fucking fags to the fucking bitches, if I’m honest. Fags give better head. They get way more into it. Probably because they have dicks too, so they know what feels good. But don’t ask me, I don’t fucking know. I mean, yeah, I’ve sucked dick before but I didn’t like it or anything. I just did it for the cash. If I was hard it wasn’t because I was sucking dick. It was more about the situation—the human contact. No one’s immune to that feeling you get when you’re really close to someone, no matter who you are or what fucked-up shit you’re into. It doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with—if I want to, I can get pretty hard pretty fast. And my dick is pretty big too.
This guy I know, Joel, sort of exists somewhere in the realm between male and female, boy and girl, human and the divine. He’s got jet-black hair and these pale blue eyes that make you feel high if you stare at them long enough. He’s really tall, but the way he stands his body sort of hunches over, making him look shorter than he is. He’s so thin that his pelvic bones protrude out over the top of his jeans, giving the allusion of hips. His long, lanky arms fall clumsily at his sides and his toes point in just a little. He’s basically in love with me.
I first met Joel in Central Park about a year ago. It was around midnight and he was wearing a girl’s white nighty and a pair of DMs. Sort of like a Kurt Cobain rip-off but he still looked cool. He was standing in the park alone all hunched over and from a distance I thought he was a chick. I mean, he’s got long black hair that covers most of his face and he was wearing a dress, so it’s not that weird. He was staring at me and even from far away I could tell that whoever it was really fucking wanted me. He just looked available… I can’t explain it. I can always tell that kind of thing, though. I guess it’s because I’m a God or whatever.
So I motioned for him to come closer and he walked straight up out of the blackness of the night and as soon as he reached me he knelt down and started unzipping my jeans. He didn’t say a word, he just took my dick out and started sucking it. And all this time I was still thinking he was a chick. And as he was sucking me off he was looking up at me with these big, icy blue eyes that made me feel all dreamy and fucked-up and all I could do was stare deep inside, they were so beautiful. His face was basically perfection—the way his freckles scattered across his pale skin and how the black of his eyelashes crashed into the white of his eyelids. I was tripping-out over him bigtime, and his beauty made me think of sex made me think of drugs made me think of death made me think of blood and right as I was about to cum I dropped my fist hard into his perfect face and smashed the shit out of it until his blood spattered all over me and all over him and all over the night.
I sort of have a girlfriend but she’s a fucking idiot. She’s always trying to be all hot and sexy but she’s just fucking dumb. I would break up with her but I’m too lazy and she always just seems to be around so I just deal with it. When she gives me head she’s always saying things like, “Yeah, cum in my mouth. I want you to come all over my face, Noah.” She thinks she’s being hot but it really just turns me off. Most of the time when she’s giving me head or I’m fucking her I’m imagining that she’s Joel and imagining that Joel is a girl, if that makes sense. I guess I’m sort of in love with Joel, but Joel as a girl, who doesn’t really exist. Not in this world anyway.
Being in love with real people is too easy because they’re right fucking there. You can have them if you want them, which destroys the fantasy. I’d much rather be in love with someone who exists solely within my own deluded delusion, but who is also vaguely physically and emotionally represented by a guy on Earth called Joel who I guess I sort of love a little but who I’m not fully into because I’m not gay.
Photos by Bella Howard