Online Dating

Bob = future hubby

I’ve always thought of online dating as being really depressing- sort of like a false Mecca for the socially illiterate (e.g. ugly people). And call me old fashioned, but the idea of forming a human bond through an LCD screen was just far too abstract for me. However, recent pangs of loneliness and my own curiosity as to what actually goes on in this mysterious digital love orgy inspired me to try it out for myself. And what do you know? I’ve been fucking enlightened. Online dating isn’t desperate; it’s progressive. I’d even go as far to say it’s postmodern.

I know you probably think cyber love should be reserved for fat middle-aged women and sexual predators. However, just because your grandmother and the 10oclock news say something doesn’t mean it’s true. The fact is, there are some serious 2-D hotties out there just waiting to be your soulmate. I totally got multiple clit boners while scanning interweb dating sites for potential hubbies. Sure, there were a few Unabomber look-alikes, but hey, Teddy’s not so bad looking for a neo-terrorist. Plus, where else but the virtual world can you search for a mate with the exact qualities you desire- height, weight, occupation, religion and preferred addiction.

So skip the judge-fest and try if for yourself. Think of it as an experiment in contemporary romance. Here are some tips on how to succeed in the romantic abyss that is online dating.

1. Make A Good First Impression:

Having to sum up your entire being in a tiny little box entitled About Me in an informative yet witty fashion is completely soul-crushing. However, this can’t be taken lightly. First impressions are everything. Fuck it up and you’ll be a spinster for life, sitting home alone at fifty, doused with opiates, praying for some jailbait.

There is more than one way one can go about this. You could go for the funny, self-deprecating approach, but then you run the risk of coming across apathetic. You could be flirty- maybe throw some sexual innuendos in there- but again, you’re looking for a soulmate, not a new pimp. My advice is to go with something short and sweet. Keep them wanting more. Mystery is always en vogue.

2. Speak their language:

When conversing with a potential mate, remember to always use phrases like ‘LOL’ and ‘TTYL.’ Speaking their mother tongue will help you to identify with this foreign species, and make you more appealing at the same time. Don’t feel guilty about your involvement in the slow and painful death of the English language either. It’s not like you’re BFFs or anything.

3. Photos:

Warning: Taking a picture of your reflection in the bathroom mirror with your camera-phone doesn’t make you less ugly.

4. Lie:

There’s nothing wrong with pretending you spent six months traveling around Africa feeding starving orphans, or that you don’t have VD, just to get someone to like you. There’s plenty of time for honesty after you’re married.

5. Trust Everyone:

If you don’t trust people, then how can you expect them to like you? And if you don’t like to trust yourself, then how can you expect likable people to trust that they trust you? It’s complicated. Basically, if your new online lover asks to meet you in person, trust that it’s probably a good idea. The chances that someone you met on the internet is a rapist are only, like, 1 in 5, so don’t sweat the small stuff. Like Aerosmith said- we’re livin’ on the edge.

1. Ashton: Bob, stop standing there and zip my jacket up! Why do you smell like sour cream and birds?

2. Ashton gets her period on everything.

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