PLATFORM: Hella Bored!

I’m suffering from a bad case of writers block. Well, perhaps my case would be better defined as a lack of immediate inspiration. Back in Squallyoaks I was constantly stimulated, forever surrounded by a flock of rousing young souls—hookers, shitheads, shamans, stupid junkie faggots, nymphomaniacal sociopaths—all of whom I both love and loath equally. But here, in the bleak and lonely confines of my parent’s house in upstate New York, I’ve got no one to incite me. No one to make fun of. No one to exploit. In other words, I got nothin’.

My life is hella boring. B.O.R.I.N.G. boring. And let’s be real—it’s pretty hard writing an entertaining weekly column about your everyday life when your everyday life is plagued with eternal nothingness. Seriously, there is nothing I want more right now than to sit down at my desk and make sweet hard love to this blank page in front of me, but I just CAN NOT, my friends. The normally chaotic and dreamful landscape of my imagination has run dry. So, as my only source of inspiration (or lack thereof), I will now resort to informing you about all the boring shit I’ve been up to lately (and when it comes down to it, that’s all a column really is anyway). So here goes.


Things I’ve been filling my time with recently include: daydreaming, jerking off, wanting to die, snorting Xanex, pretending to be Tyra Banks, thinking about nothing… and some other random stuff, all of which is not based in reality.

You see, my parents both work, and my brother is normally busy getting stoned in his car somewhere, thinking about the universe, so I’m home alone most of the time. Plus, I can’t go anywhere because I got my license taken away three year ago and have yet to sort out getting it back, so I’m basically under house arrest.

As you can probably imagine, to cure my boredom I’ve been watching a hell of a lot of pornography. My new thing is vintage porn—everything from the anal 50’s to the bushy 70’s. It’s a nice change from all the neon lighting, orange college chicks and silicone I normally ejaculate to. It’s strange—old school porn is just more… I don’t know… profound? Seriously, go to Youporn and search ‘vintage.’ There’s a whole new world of filth out there, just waiting to be explored.

To help stir things up even further, I’ve been getting experimental with my jerk-off techniques over these past weeks. For example, lately I’ve been fantasizing about having sex in really awkward or unpleasant situations, then seeing how long it takes me to climax. It’s like my own personal cum challenge. Yesterday I orgasmed thinking about doing it with some Hispanic kids in a swamp. This morning I came imaging myself raping Fran Dresher (surprisingly quick, actually). I even thought for a second about having a threesome with my parents, but then it all got too weird and I had to move on to my default of Jamie Bell in a dress in outer space. Ugh… I’m so alone.

I really need to get out of here—to return to my London clique of freakish and mentally disturbed friends, where my body and mind are constantly being stimulated by drugs and sex and pseudo-witchcraft, and (most importantly) where I can steal people’s weirdness and paint it as my own. The real world is way boring. I’m painfully uninspired. Thirty-three days and counting.




7 Replies to “PLATFORM: Hella Bored!”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *