Relationship Person

Photo by Juergen Teller

Am I a “relationship person”? Ewww! I don’t want to be! You know the kind I mean–those people who are always with someone, most likely because they can’t handle being alone. I hate those people, but I recently realized that I’m pretty sure I am one of those people. So depressing.

I got my first boyfriend when I was fifteen. We dated for a year and lost our virginities together, but I dumped him because I liked someone else, who soon became my next boyfriend. The new boyfriend was two years younger than me, tall, deathly pale and as skinny as a stringbean. When my mother first met him she told me she’d “seen him around town and thought he was a special needs person.” I was so overwhelmingly attracted to him. I’m pretty sure the way he looked defined what “my type” would be for years to come. Anyway, we dated for a year and a half, at which point I moved away to attend college in London. We had talked about trying to keep things going while I was away, however during my first week at college I met Blaine, my new obsessive love, and ended things with the stringbean. Blaine and I dated for four and a half years. Holy shit, that is a long time. It’s weird to think that he was my boyfriend when I started this blog. He makes a few appearances in posts way back at the beginning, but he didn’t like being written about very much, so I tried to refrain when possible. We no longer speak, sadly. I would have liked to  stay friends, but the split was not too amicable. Let’s just say it was the sort of break up where people’s clothes get thrown into rivers and psychotherapy is required afterward.

After it ended with Blaine I immediately–like within two days–started dating this music label guy who I stayed with for about three months. It was during that time that I met Bunny. Long term readers of this blog will know who Bunny is (there are about 500 posts written about him, which you can find by putting his name into the search bar), but for those of you who don’t, he is my non-sexual/sexually-ambiguous best friend, and we never dated, per se, although upon meeting we immediately became inseparable and moved into the same bedroom and shared a bed and wore the same clothes, and let’s be honest, I was basically in love with him. We weren’t “dating” but we also weren’t not dating, if that makes sense? And we weren’t really sleeping together–except for those few times, on K, during those orgies–but he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, and I would only sleep with other people very rarely, while blacked-out, so it sort of felt like we were a real life, monogamous couple.

At the tail end of the Bunny love affair, when we had faded out of the obsessive same-bed zone and moved into the friend zone, there were a few months where I can legitimately say that I was single. Woo hoo! Party! However, that’s when I moved to New York, and after being in NYC for literally only four days I slept with Hamilton, who then became my boyfriend of two and a half years. When that ended, last winter, I had already begun sleeping with Lessa. I wasn’t cheating, though, because Hamilton had repeatedly told me that he “didn’t care if I slept with girls” because “women have no souls,” or whatever. That was part of our deal–we would have threesomes with girls together, and I could be a solo lesbian if I so desired. But the point is, when he and I split, Lessa and I were already fucking, and then we just kept fucking until somehow we were dating, and now it’s nine months later and we’re still dating, and the moral of the story is that I’ve essentially been in a relationship since I was fifteen. Minus three months. That is fucked.

What’s also sort of terrifying is how I’ve managed to sleep with so many people, given that I haven’t been single in twelve years. Whoops.

Sorry about that drawn-out relationship history rant, I didn’t expect it to be so long. But the point is, I don’t want to be a needy “relationship person.” I want to be independent, like Destiny’s Child. A couple weeks ago my friend Andrew Richardson refereed to me as “the classic, love addict type.” I found that really offensive. Afterward I argued endlessly, claiming that I’m actually really aloof and never care about anyone. No one believed me.

One of my main problems with relationships is that they just eat up so much time. If I was single I’d be way more productive, and I’d certainly be writing a lot more blog posts. Time just vanishes when you’re hanging out with the person you’re dating–you can be doing nothing, but you’re doing nothing with someone, which constitutes as something. I remember back to those three months when I was single–I suddenly had so much free time! I was amazed by how many hours there were in a day. Where did they all come from? It was almost offensive.

And the fighting. GOD, the fighting. It never ends. It’s so emotionally and physically exhausting to be arguing with someone and crying all the time. Are all relationships like this, or is it just me? Today I was upstate at my parent’s house and I was in my room, yelling and arguing on the phone with my gf (we were fighting about the fact that I had said I’d gone jogging at 9pm, but she thought I’d actually gone at 8pm and lied about the time–important), and afterward my mom was like “What are you always yelling about in your room?” and I was like, “What, today?” and she was like, “No, I mean all the time, consistently, since you were in high school.”

The problem with being single, though, is that sex isn’t just handed to you, so you end up going out and looking for it, which usually involves lots of time, energy and money. And, likely, the consumption of alcohol, which is never the best idea.

There is no right answer.



30 Replies to “Relationship Person”

  1. Compelled to comment. I’m not a revolving-door relationship person (confirmation bias here), though if given the opportunity, I’d probably be one. Luckily for me, not everyone I fall in love with wants to be in a relationship (with me), and as a result, in between the handful of LTR’s I’ve had, I’ve been wonderfully and so satisfyingly single. In most cases, I’ve been responsible for ending the LTR, though unlike you, I’ve never been able to find someone to immediately replace the person I’d just phased out. This has allowed me to discover, actually, that I’ve been most consistently and deeply happy when I’ve been single. For me, this simply confirms I haven’t met Mr. Forever yet .. because yes, I do aspire to one day be monogamous with one person I’m head over heels in love with until one of us dies. I know we all live within different paradigms and with aspirations/desires/lifestyles fitting those paradigms, but that’s the narrative that works for me at this moment. What compelled me to comment here was what you said about the time (nothing time, positive time, and negative time) that relationships demand of us. I’ve just (ok, 5 months ago) come out of a long distance LTR which often felt like my own version of hell — because of the fighting and negative time that I think outweighed the positive time if not the nothing time as well. This time, somehow, he was the one that ended it. And now, 5 months later, I don’t think I would ever go back. This doesn’t mean that I think you should end your current relationship (even though I read your blog fairly consistently, that is something I could never form an opinion on, and even if I thought I could, what business is it of mine?), but IF this relationship (which seems happy, loving, and exciting from my readings of your blog) ever does come to a natural end, you might consider making an effort to be single for a little while. After the first violent bit of loneliness and devastation, it’s actually an incredible relief. The time to be productive, as you mentioned, but also the time to really come to know yourself as an individual unit and know that you can be entirely happy as such. My two cents (informed completely by my own, possibly idiosyncratic experiences).

    1. You’re right, being single once in a while is totally healthy. Unless you get blacked-out drunk every night when you’re single, because then it causes brain damage.

      1. i think the fear of being single is related to the fear of being viewed as a slut by others. basically, when u are single, your sex life becomes an open book, you may as well be sleeping with everyone because thats what being single implies (for a woman) but when u r viewed as being partnered with another person, your sex life is free from scrutiny and you are safe to pursue multiple sexual courtships in relative secrecy, on the “DL”as they say, also, the potential fall out of such indiscretions may then be hashed out in a private realm, between you partners, rather than at the community level

  2. Those most requiring to be in a relationship are those most deeply in a relationship to themselves. Who tends to talk more about their problems, issues and, selves: people in relationships or people that just jerk off most of the time when not scamming some random skweeze.

  3. People who are in relationships want to single and people who are single want a relationaship. I’m just gonna shoot myself in the face.

  4. I have been single for the past three years except for like a month… and what you say about going out to find someone to hook up with is very true. There is just no right answer.

  5. Thanks for the terse, but easy to grasp honesty here. I think you touched on a lot of really crucial points, but I would caution against accepting accusations of erotomania. Best of luck with your current belle/beau and peace to you both!

  6. FACT. Girls with big boobs are never out of relationships very long.

    Also it sounds like your girl friend is a bit controlling, is she paranoid that you might meet a guy and realise you’re not into girls any more?

  7. So I just broke my leg biking upstate. Because of this, last night I was on too many opiates to count and my boyfriend was fucking me and suddenly I felt the strangest sensation that I was fucking myself. Like me, on top of me, fucking me, same person. It wasn’t a love feeling—it freaked me out. I then realized I have the fear of being this person too, I have gone no more than a few months of being singe since 14. I have, in the past beat myself up about it too much, I mean, we’re young, this is the time I’m going to be able to make all my relationship and hook-up mistakes and it might as well be now when I (usually) can run around on my own time and be out all night. Now it’s more of a hobble-around but that’s ok. Point is, I know there will be periods of my life where I will be truly alone again and I’ve also come to find that space with the person that I am with currently. People will always make offensive judgements, it’s like the single mom double-standard. If she works she’s a cruel mother who hires nannies and if she is a stay-at-home she is a lazy fat cow. There is always something to judge, so why not do what makes life most comfortable for you. If you’re relationships do get in the way of other things, change it up! I did, after being in a relationship where there was so much yelling and screaming and emotional drainage I have found my groove with the same person, it just took a lot of time, fucking other people, and mistakes, but now we’re level, and I’m no longer judging myself for loving this person so much that I feel like I need them at times. It might be for a long haul or it might be until one of us finds something different. Whatever works. Then I immediately broke my leg and ACTUALLY need someone which is quite scary. Good luck, Karley!

    1. *agreeeed.


      Spent the first 4 years after I grew boobs (at 18) freaking out about said boobs and feeling confused. Also spent those years single & confused.

  8. Such an interesting piece. I know a lot of girls just like this and quite a lot of guys too. I think at the end of the day everyone wants to be loved. It doesn’t matter if you have 3 relationships or 10, you meet these people for a reason. And that is good enough for me.

  9. I think all relationships are like that, at least all the ones I’ve been in. the yelling and arguing and the seemingly endless frustration that comes from something as simple as “you forgot to tell me that you were hanging out with Jenny when I specifically asked you to tell me when you were hanging out with Jenny,” and you want nothing more than to be single and free forever. but the arguments end and the cuddling resumes and you think you wouldn’t have it any other way. it feels like tripping on shrooms. whatever it is you’re doing, you want to be doing the other thing, and yet somehow it’s still fun, and it’s still enjoyable. I don’t really know why we go in for this sort of thing. this sex-and-romance thing.

  10. I love falling in love with people. I LOVE that feeling that can’t be faked or forced. It’s amazing and one of the only things that makes me feel alive.
    One of the worst feelings ever is when I was single, for years, and just waiting waiting waiting for that feeling of falling in love to happen again…. But luckily it did xoxoxooxoxox

  11. I’ve been dating since I was 17 – nothing under 2 years – and have only been single for one summer since then (I’m 28). Now I’m engaged to my master :) I say the more you date, the faster you find what you’re looking for! <3 you karley

    1. Most people don’t know or haven’t narrowed down what it is they are looking for before they are in a relationship. Continuing to date only helps you not be alone in that moment.

      I myself am a serial monogamist with in betweens. And I only found my person when I decided what that was and became the person that ideal would want. But there’s nothing wrong with any process of dating, not dating or just dating yet not dating, so long as you enjoy it more often than not Karley :)

  12. Also: It’s OK to be looking for something – everyone is – even the independent types – and to find it in what you have with another human being. It’s also totes possible to be an independent woman with your own thing going on and still need what you have w/ someone else. I would say that’s ideal even, because then you won’t smother each other (which it sounds like you may be starting to do w/ your current gf).

  13. hiii sweets…
    I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years, there are times when I wonder, why can’t I be single with a cat and a ton of fuck buddies because relationships are difficult, annoying and stressful…when the shit hits the fan and you’re an ass in ass clothing, yet I ponder the single life and to be honest, I’m glad I have someone to annoy the shit out of me. keeps my thighs tight, but you have to learn relationships, friendship or romantic takes work, like fulltime job status. if you’re willing to put the work in, its great, not perfect…great. but if one of you suck at life, its not gonna work, no matter HOW good the sex is…kissess!

  14. DAmn!!! That is a great post that made me ponder about my love life. I guess I have never being truly single. Between overlapping, long term relationships, and some on the side action. Since I am 13 I have always had a weiner in my hand. Great post Karley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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