Sex Work Diaries

Sex Work Diaries: A Dominatrix Discusses Her Worst Client Ever

July 6, 2018
sex work diaries

In this edition of our Sex Work Diaries series, New York dominatrix Amanda Lang denounces a terrible client, and offers advice on how to spot the red flags.

Working as a Professional Dominatrix in one of Midtown Manhattan’s oldest BDSM Dungeons, you really get to see the full range of different types of men. I say men because the majority of the clientele you get in the Dungeon are in fact men despite the BDSM scene being comprised of some of the most diverse bodies, genders and sexualities imaginable.

To elaborate, working as a Pro-Dom, the majority of my clients have been straight white men in their 50s. This may sound like a complaint but it’s really not. Many of my clients have been extremely respectful, a lot of fun, and surprisingly sexy. As someone who tends to get bored very easily and benefits more from psychological stimulation than even physical, I am uniquely cut out for the world of BDSM.

Vanilla sex can be quite lovely, don’t get me wrong. If that’s what you like, and what feels good to you, then by all means, go out there and get that orgasm honey!As for me though, if I haven’t pegged you yet, it’s probably not going to go anywhere. Hence why I was so drawn into the world of Professional BDSM. I mean, getting paid to get off? Sold! BDSM has been one of the most empowering experiences of my life, and I mean that both professionally and personally. Normative gender roles play a big part in most sexual encounters. Women are often expected to submit, to comply, to please men. Men are expected to be dominant, confident… Dare I say, emotionless?

Suffice to say, playing these roles not because they suit your personal sexual preference but because you feel obligated based on gender norms is not healthy. Moreover, boxing yourself into a single role means setting yourself up for suffocation, and, well, boredom.Having the opportunity to play the other end of the spectrum is extremely enlightening. For me, it was one of the first times I ever felt truly in control.

As a Pro-Dom, I have been relatively lucky when it comes to my clients. But like any professional, it is impossible to be 100% lucky 100% of the time. I’ll call the worst client I ever dealt with Jack*. Jack was an older married Jewish man with children and no, his family very obviously was not aware of his fetish. Jack liked to make girls cry, and mostly, he succeeded. His thing was psychological manipulation. To be clear, he wasn’t actually into BDSM, that was a cover up. What he was into was hurting people, breaking them.I knew this, everyone knew this, but the Dungeon kept letting him come back. As a professional, the most important thing is to know how to catch the red flags. Here were a few of Jack’s:

Red Flag #1: Asking me about my personal sexual history. In a BDSM scene, especially when you are supposedly the submissive, this is a hard no. You don’t question the Dominant (unless of course it is to highlight something in play that you are uncomfortable with, in that case, establish safe words before play!).

Red Flag #2: Not taking no for an answer. Once, he asked me to close my eyes we were both naked.When I did, I felt him try to bind my arms and legs. With some clients, this would be fine if it were something we had established prior to play. This had not been, and when I said no, he became visibly angry.

Red Flag #3: Not establishing rules prior to play. Communication is key in any BDSM relationship, professional or otherwise. How else are you to establish trust between the two of you if you don’t understand the other party’s kinks and triggers at the outset? Furthermore, communication must be ongoing as play proceeds. Things change and sometimes things happen that are impossible to plan for even with a long term dynamic. A break can be necessary to keep a healthy relationship ongoing.

I ended my session with Jack early, and I never did a session with him again. I also warned whoever I could about him.Unfortunately, my warnings didn’t really make a difference. Girls had been warning each other about him for years, but he kept coming back, and girls kept taking sessions with him. Some ended them early, others made it the entire hour, and some would session with him multiple times. Some he made cry.

I work with clients only on a freelance basis now. I guess maybe I’m more of a control freak than I thought, but it’s comforting being able to screen a client, and to know that when a client fucks up, at least with me, he will never be able to come back. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the Dungeon, and I am grateful for everything I learned there and all of the wonderful girls I met. But my most important lesson was to look for and heed red flags.

BDSM is about control, it’s about trust, and yes, it’s about punishment and reward. But what it is not about, ever, is fear.

*Pseudonyms used to protect anonymity

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