Slave Mail

January 8, 2012

Oh my god you’re too beautiful…

My ex-slave–the one who paid my rent for a while last year in exchange for degrading emails–has been getting in contact again. He keeps saying he wants to fly to New York and go down on me, and that if I let him he’ll pay me $200. Like, eww. As if. I know I gave a BJ to a Hasidic Jew for 50 bucks, but I’d need way more than $200 to let him get anywhere near my vagina. Even though I’ve told him no like a million times now, he still won’t accept my answer and keeps sending me long, delusion emails about how wonderful it’s going to be giving me head for hours on end. Uh… get a clue, you freak.

I don’t answer his phone calls anymore because I just don’t see the point in talking to him if he’s not paying me. Although I do sometimes enjoy the voicemails he leaves me, most of which are just long spans of him breathing heavily into the receiver while jerking off. (#NotCreepyAtAll) Below is a particularly good one he left me on Christmas Eve. I bleeped out where he says his name. See, I do have a heart.

My attempted transcription:

Hi Karley, it’s …… Thanks for letting me leave you a message. I just wanted to say how much I’m looking forward to, umm, seeing you and going down on you. [something about licking that I can’t understand] It’s actually making me cum, just thinking about…. [creeping heavy breathing/moaning sounds] Ooooh… thank you Karley, thank you so much. [Gross orgasm sounds] OK, bye.



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  • Reply GRANT January 8, 2012 at 6:42 am

    LOL, I like how awkward it gets right after he cums. Moment of clarity, eh?

  • Reply Wow January 8, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    This is low, even for you!

  • Reply darkroom January 8, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    omg, young steve buscemi…I swear we have the same taste in men

  • Reply steffi January 8, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    my girl crush on you is slowly fading.

    • Reply :( January 9, 2012 at 12:33 am


  • Reply bbb January 8, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    Why all the hostility? Don’t you get it? She is not being evil, the guy WANTS to be mocked ad ridiculed.

    • Reply cooper January 9, 2012 at 5:07 am

      seriously, you’d think people would get this?

  • Reply James January 9, 2012 at 2:02 am

    I think he said he wanted to lick your feet…maybe

  • Reply Adam Falter January 9, 2012 at 5:34 am

    I’m torn between your labeling him a freak (which I assume had a negative connotation?) and the sincerity of your “am I normal?” interviews…

    I read somewhere that we’re all social actors, liars, and hypocrites, and that we have to be so on some level in order to function in daily life. This guy is totes creepy, but I thought it was a central tenet to your tacit ideology that nobody is truly a freak… maybe this is the backlash of your adhering to this belief too strongly– you let this guy be your slave and now you’re stuck with him on some erotic-contemporary-aesop’s-fable type deal? Or maybe as mentioned in the comments earlier you’re affirming and enabling his freakiness in a kind manner by posting this, complete with the negatively connoted “freak” label?

    girl either way you must be cray like a fox though

  • Reply rebecca January 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    haha just had such a good laugh to that message but god i would have freaked out ifsomeone had left that on my phone. point him in the direction of a good porn sight instead of having to wank while talking to a voicemail. tell him its way more classy x

  • Reply wicked January 18, 2012 at 3:11 am

    I taped that and I’m going to play it over the phone to someone’s mom.

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