Snow Makes English People Crazy

British people don’t know how to deal with snow. It makes them crazy. It snowed about six inches last night, and now everyone has gone completely mad. It’s like post WW2 London out there right now. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was idiot dust falling from the sky. I’m scared to leave the house.

Being from New York, where we get roughly five million feet of snow every winter, I wasn’t fazed to see the fluffy white powder covering the ground this morning. Growing up, in order for school to be canceled for a snow day, there would either have to be about three feet of snow on the ground, or it would have to be so cold that the school bus engines literally froze solid and wouldn’t start. So because of this, when I woke up this morning, I got dressed and left the house as I normally would. I didn’t realize that in Britain if more then thirteen snowflakes fall from the sky it means the day is canceled and it’s compulsory to just stand outside your house with your mouth open, looking bewildered, and making the occasional snowball.

No buses are running. Not one. English buses can’t drive on snow. It’s impossible. I went to the train station, but the only person there was one terrified-looking man in a blue uniform telling everyone to turn around and go home. There was only one train running per hour, and even then you couldn’t buy a ticket because there was no ticket lady (she killed herself, due to post-snow stress), and the electronic ticket machine didn’t work either. So I guess the snow broke the internet as well.

I can’t even go to the supermarket to buy food, The place is a mad house. There must be five thousand people in there, kicking and punching and spitting their way to the last can of soup. Presumably, they are trying to stock up before the six inches of snow causes a food shortage and everyone starves to death. Bizarre.

At the moment I’m watching the news and the camera keeps jerking and wobbling everywhere. It’s so bad I’m convinced whoever is holding the camera has Parkinson’s. The anchorwoman keeps apologizing, saying, “So sorry for the shoddy broadcast. The cameraman couldn’t make it into work today, due to the inclement weather.” The world is stupid.

Twickenham, this morning



One Reply to “Snow Makes English People Crazy”

  1. I was supposed to get a train out of London today and now I’m stranded here like a useless fuckhead. There might as well have been a nuclear apocalypse.Question: if Moscow still runs, why do we not have a functioning underground system today?

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