Squally Update: Dark Times

R.I.P. Squallyoks 3

For once I’m extremely glad not to be in London, dealing with all the psychotic bullshit that goes along with being a member of Squallyoaks. Why, you ask? Well…

In the three weeks since I’ve been back in New York, my squatmates and I were evicted from our former house (a massive, four-story office building in Elephant and Castle) which we occupied for just over two months [photo above]. The standard procedure when being evicted from a squat is to search for a new derelict property to move into. Duh. This time, however, finding an adequate new home proved more difficult than normal, and my remaining seven squatmates (minus Bunny and I who are both in New York) were left with no place to live. So, out of desperation, my housemates were forced to move into a tiny, disused shop they found in south London, consisting of only three rooms, and with no electricity (It doesn’t have heating or hot water either, but that’s commonplace when squatting)/ So basically they’re living in a small, dark, freezing cold cell. Fun!!!

New “house”

The group are still in the process of searching for a new home, but in the meantime it seems that the Squally crew is temporarily disbanding. Very sad. This is an update on what everyone’s been up to, from what I gathered from short iChat conversations I’ve had with Darren, random Facebook status updates by housemates, and erratic, frightened emails from Hannah in which every word is spelled wrong.

Simon in the last house

The only people really occupying the “squat” at the moment are Darren, Kerri, Hannah and Dale. Amy has left to take shelter at her boyfriend’s house, and Simon is apparently crashing in his band, Is Tropical’s, rehearsal space, sleeping on the floor behind an amp because he’s not technically allowed to sleep there.


Dale is back to his old tricks of dying his food blue or green or whatever. He does this whenever he gets “stressed.” I don’t really understand Dale, but he’s fun to have around in a kind of ‘I’m living with a magical elf’ sort of way.


I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Dominic has apparently started to RENT. Ugh… I got nauseous just typing that word. Dom has been threatening to move out for some time. He’s a jewelry designer, and in the span of the past eighteen months has transformed from wasted K-head loser to big time designer who shows at London Fashion Week and adorns people like Beyonce and Rhianna with his fabulous designs. Apparently him and Beyonce are like BFF now. Whatev. She played a show in London a few weeks ago and she personally invited him to come “chill” with her backstage. Afterward he came back home and was telling us all about it, while he sloppily scooped 9p Super Noodles into his mouth with a lighter (we don’t own spoons). Yeah… looks like you’ve really made it Dom.


As for Kerri and Hannah… I’m not sure what they’re doing. If I had to guess I’d say Kerri is on acid somewhere with a gang of nineteen-year-old boys who all look like rip-off members of the Sex Pistols, and Hannah’s probably naked in a ditch someplace. Either that or she’s styling a shoot for some random fashion magazine (this is what she does when she’s not cuming), trying to seduce all the fifteen-year-old Russian models.

Amy, Kerri

As for Darren, his life basically consists of traveling to Asia to DJ every weekend with his band SHITDISCO, and sitting at his desk, drawing creepy pictures of Santa Clause with weird speach bubbles that’s ay things like “I killed Jesus” and “I smell dead people. “Our recent talk on iChat went as follows:


Me: Hey do u have any pics of the house? I’m doing a blog now

Darren: I could only get a couple on my phone cos I left my camera with Simon. Also doesnt look as grim cos we moved our stuff in the other day and got the electric on. Yes!!

Me: Oh ok, no probs. Im doing an update on the house, any new news with you other than fucking random Asians? Or with anyone?

Darren: hmmmmm… I got arrested.

Me: Really??! what for?

Darren: well it was tech for “stealing electricity” at the last house. but the police just arrested me cos I was the one outside when they came

Me: that’s fucked

Darren: got off though, now worries, but was in a cell for 9 hours. wack

Me: wack

Darren: Also im locked in a battle with Real People magazine over a copyright violation. probs not blog worthy. Might have to take them to court tho

Me: Really? Whats it over? thats random. And WTF is REAL PEOPLE mag? Sounds hein

Darren: its like Chat and Womens Weekly and all those housewife mags. Two of the headlines were “My Inside Out Baby” and “Xmas Tree In My Lung.”

Me: eww. what 4?

Darren: they used a photo of my Santa billboard without permission. I emailed them demanding £250. They offered £50, so im rolling up my sleeves. Im gonna fuck them in their (legal) loophole

Me: SO weird

Darren: yeah, they’ve got about half a million readership too

Me: thats RETARDED! why do people read that shit?

Darren: theres a lot of animated meat out there, needs entertaining

Me: ha. Just got the pics. Is that your room? doesnt look TOO bad

Darren: yeah its ok, but everyone shares that room. permanent slumber party

Me: Aww, so cute.

Darren: at night we lie there talking about which boys we like for hours, and then we do my hair

Me: sexy

Life’s a PARTY!!!



8 Replies to “Squally Update: Dark Times”

  1. Oh, I notice he's left a comment too. Hello Darren, hope you're well… 'Disco Blood' and 'I Know Kung Fu' are definitely two of my top songs of the decade, many good memories attached to those songs and seeing your band play.

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