Squallyoaks Fanzine

My squat-mates and I managed to get up off our fat, mold-infested asses once again and produced a fanzine, entitled SQUINX. In the past we have released the full-length album Now That’s What I Call Squallyoaks, put on a couple less-than-civilized clubnights, made some sketchy re-makes of Avril Lavigne music videos, and put on a festival in our house in which Foals, Ratty Rat Rat, and SHITDISCO all played in our basement, and a load of druged-up freaks completely tore down our kitchen wall by smashing it repeatedly with fire extinguishers. (I may or may not have been included in the shameful destruction.)

In order to raise money to print the fanzine, we put on a film night in the upstairs of a pub, charging people £1 for the pleasure of watching a couple pirate DVDs and eating free popcorn. Unfortunately we only made £8, and that’s not including the money we spent on the popcorn, so all in all it was a pretty unsuccessful venture. We then held a SQUINX launch party where we gave out free copies of the fanzine, and wandered around wit
h expressions of content and self-love smeared all over our wasted faced. I’m not sure if people liked the zine or not, but after the night was over most of the copies were either thrown on the ground covered in muddy footprints, or left outside on the pavement, soaked in beer. So basically the responce was fantastic.

This was my contribution to the literary genius that is the Squalyzine, SQUINX.

Cartoon Fuck

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always had a thing for cartoon guys. The first ever dirty thought I can remember having was about Mowgli from the Jungle Book. That cute little voice, those intoxicating dance moves- how could a horny seven-year-old not fall head over Velcro sneakers in love? And as we are all basically raised on cartoons, I figure being totally crushed-out on our illustrated counterparts is completely normal. It’s not like I’m one of those perverts who jerks-off to anime porn. That’s just taking it too far. This is far more innocent, and most importantly, far more socially acceptable. This is a list of the top five animated hotties I’d loved to give a good pounding.

1. Peter Pan:

Men in tights are hot. Boys in tights are even hotter. And I can’t explain why, but for some reason that whole ‘verging on homo’ thing is a major turn-on. Plus, you’ve gotta love Peter’s debonair, ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude. It’s like, ‘Yeah, I look like a fairy. So fucking what? I can fucking fly, motherfucker. What can you do?’

Also, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but the guy is basically a gang leader. The Lost Boys? HELLO! They’re a bunch of badass orphans who fuck shit up with pirates and sleep in the dirt.

2. Groundskeeper Willie:

Scottish accents give me a total clit boner. Plus, I’m into that whole dirty, uncivilized, ‘I’m not afraid to hurt you’ kind of thing. I bet he has a huge dick.

3. Luigi:

So much more of a babe than Mario. Why the short fat one gets all the female attention, I will never know. Princess Toadstool if a fucking wench. I mean yeah, Luigi can be a bit of a wuss sometimes, but that’s part of his charm. You have to appreciate his understated sexiness. The whole plumber thing is a bit gross, but I guess it could be cool if you’re into roll-playing. And believe me, I’ve watched enough porn to know that plumbers are very well endowed.

4. Norville “Shaggy” Rogers (a.k.a. Shaggy from Skooby-Doo):

Shaggy is so my type. That floppy hair, that nauseatingly skinny body, those gangly limbs- he’s basically my perfect man. I even sort of like the fact that he’s such a dumbass. He’d be fun to just chill out, eat tacos and watch Lost with. Either that or drop acid and wander around the London Aquarium. He looks like he’d be into psychedelics.

5. Pinocchio:

Is it just me or does Pinocchio looks freakishly like Adrian Brody? And Pinocchio would totally make the perfect boyfriend. First of all, he’s a puppet, so there’s no doubt who would be the dominant figure in the relationship. And secondly, you’d always be able to tell if he was lying. (But seriously, would you even care if he was? He’s got a giant dildo growing out of his face, for Christ’s sake.)

Another excerpt from the zine, made by my squat-mate Darren. Click the pic to see it bigger. It’s worth it.



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