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I’ve always been slightly skeptical of female ejaculation, because… what the fuck is it? I’d seen girls squirt in porn but I always just assumed they’d sneakily shoved some water up there off camera, and then were squeezing it out with their vagina muscles on command. Or that they were peeing. I have a friend who says she’s a squirter, and that her ejaculations aren’t necessarily in synch with her orgasms, but rather that they happen sporadically during intercourse and are beyond her control. But then when she was drunk once she told me, “to be honest it might actually be pee”, which kept me unconvinced. I recently asked Google for the answer but still couldn’t find one. Actually, the ‘female ejaculation’ Wikipedia is very disappointing. (“The exact source and nature of the fluid continues to be a topic of debate among medical professionals and is related to doubts over the existence of the G-spot.”) Squirting: a mystery of modern science.
Then, at a party last weekend I met a girl called Jacqueline who told me she was a squirter, and that she could ejaculate and hit a wall 5ft away. She said that every girl has the potential to squirt as long as she knows the correct method, and that the correct method involves “pushing out and finding the spongy part on the inside of your vaj that kind of feels like cauliflower and banging on it.” I was intrigued. I then mentally revisited “The Vice Guide to Female Ejaculation”, an article written for Vice by the very funny Amy Kellner in 2006, where she also claims that all girls are potential squirters, and to do it you just have to locate your G-spot and give it a rub. Amy said, “If you stick your finger in your vagina and make a “come here” gesture, you’ll notice a spongy, bumpy area on the upper wall an inch or two in from the opening. That’s it. You just have to relax and if it feels like you’re gonna pee, don’t hold it in.” It made me sad to think that these girls knew more about my own vagina than me, so I politely asked Jacqueline to give me some squirting lesson in the bathroom.
We’d only known each other for about 17 minutes but for some reason it felt totally appropriate that she had nearly her entire hand inside me as I sat on the floor of the restaurant bathroom. She was really far in, like all the way at the back, in a place not many have ventured before if I’m honest. “Now push out”, she was saying, “push out so I can find the cauliflower.” Eventually I guess she found it because she was going at it pretty hard, and it felt good and stuff, but nothing happened. I felt like a failure.
After a while she gave up and decided to demonstrate on herself. She took my hand and shoved it inside her and said “feel that?” and I said “Ooooh yeeeaah”. It did feel like cauliflower. Then she told me to press on it hard like hitting a button over and over again. Weirdly, this moment wasn’t very “sexy”. It felt more like science than sex really. An experiment, if you will. Within about 30 seconds of me pressing the button she squirted, and it was not just pee. I don’t know what it was–it wasn’t yellowish at all, but it didn’t look like cum either. It had the consistency of pee but was almost greyish in color, sort of like dishwater? And it squirted really forcefully, like shot out a couple feet from her vagina in a series of spurts, and actually kind of got all over me, but I was too impressed to care. Also I tasted it and it tasted like salty water, almost like tears but from the vagina.
But what is it if it’s not pee or cum? And where is that liquid stored? Does it just chill there in some secret pouch hidden behind the vagina? And if so, why don’t I have that pouch?