Don’t know how to share your sex worker status with your friends and/or partner? I might have a helpful suggestion. In this episode of my ASK SLUTEVER series for VICE, I discuss why being a sex worker is A-OK :) By Karley Sciortino Continue reading “Ask Slutever (Video): Why You Shouldn’t Apologize for Being a Sex Worker”
Why do we so often automatically assume that men should be dominant in bed? In this ep of my ASK SLUTEVER series for VICE, I discuss what men can get out of letting a woman take the reins in bed once in a while :) By Karley Sciortino
Want to pee on your boyfriend but don’t know where to begin? We’ve all been there! In ep 2 of my ASK SLUTEVER series for VICE, I discuss why/how pee can be sexy :) By Karley Sciortino Continue reading “Ask Slutever (Video): How to Incorporate Urine into Your Sex Life”
I’m doing a series of short ASK SLUTEVER videos for Vice.com. In ep 1, I discuss why it’s important to surround yourself with wise sluts—and how to find them :) By Karley Sciortino Continue reading “Ask Slutever (Video): How to Talk to Your Friends about Sex”
I’m an 18-year-old girl, and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 13 months now. This is the first serious relationship I’ve been in. However, my friend said he wanted to give me an experience with a guy, so we planned to have sex. I was hesitant, but I went with it. However now I have a lot of regret because when I told my girlfriend what happened she was really mad at me, of course, even though before it happened I had told her I wanted to just be friends for a while. But she told her family what happened, even though I told her not to. And so now when I see them I feel judged and embarrassed.
Thankfully my girlfriend has forgiven me, but how do I deal with the shame and guilt? I try to move on but I can’t help feeling horrible about it. I wanted to be this perfect girl for my girlfriend’s family, but I feel like they hate me, even though my girlfriend says they don’t. She still wants to propose to me soon and we love each other a lot, but I don’t want to carry this guilt forever. She’s in her early 20s, and at times I feel like she deserves better, but she says I’m the best for her. What should I do?
Xo So ashamed
OK the first thing you should do is chill out. You’re beating yourself up over something that is a non-issue. So you fucked some guy during a period where you hadn’t promised monogamy to your girlfriend—what’s the problem? You didn’t cheat, and there is nothing inherently wrong or immoral of guilt-worthy about having sex. It’s important to remember that just because your actions made someone else feel hurt or jealous, it doesn’t necessarily mean that what you did was wrong. For example, in my last relationship, my girlfriend and I broke up for 4 months, and then got back together. When I found out that she had been seeing someone else during period, it made me feel fucking awful and angry, but she hadn’t done anything wrong. I was just being a possessive monster. Annoyingly, the people we love don’t stop existing (or having sex) when we’re not around them.
You did nothing wrong. Seriously, say it—”I did nothing wrong.” (I feel like Robin Williams in that scene from Good Will Hunting.) You’re 18—this is a time for experimentation and sexual self-discovery and sexual stupidity and general YOLO. It’s not a time for worrying about what your pseudo-in-laws think of you. Save that for middle age! Also, it’s imperative that you DO NOT get married to your girlfriend You are 18! That’s basically an embryo. You have so many relationships and hook-ups and breakups and threesomes and awkward one-night-stands and bar bathroom blow-jobs ahead of you, and it would be a tragedy to miss out on any of those. When we’re old, we’re far more likely to regret the things we didn’t do, than the things we did.
Also, who is this “perfect girl” that you speak of? If you mean a pure, passive, demure, 50s fantasy woman, well, that woman doesn’t exist (thank god). There is no such thing as the perfect girl, and anyone who believes that one’s goodness or respectability has anything to do with how many people they’ve slept with is either a prude or an idiot. You shouldn’t be ashamed about your sexual experiences, you should be proud of them! I think it’s so cool that you’re in an openly gay relationship at 18, but felt curious to explore sex with guys too, and went out and made it happen. That’s baller. And you said it yourself—your girlfriend has forgiven you, and she says her parents don’t hate you. So all of this guilt and shame is coming from you.
A while back I wrote an article for Vogue where I talked about dealing with some guilt about my sluttiness when I was younger. In the article, I asked my friend Zhana Vrangalova, a sex researcher who studies casual sex and mental health: How much of the shame or negativity we feel associated with sex is inherently ours, and how much of it is a social construct? Zhana told me: “It’s hard to pinpoint the cause of the guilt and shame of highly sexually people, because we live in a sex-negative culture that conflates having a lot of sex with being a bad person.” So basically, remember that if you feel bad about a sexual experience, it’s not your fault—it’s society’s fault! Lol. This is why it’s important to surround yourself with sex-positive people who would never dream of judging you for your sexual curiosity, and to read pro-sex feminist writing… like this website, for example ;)
By Karley Sciortino
Main image by Petra Collins
Vera Papisova—in her classic mix of honesty and comedy—discusses living with chronic BV, a vaginal disease that affects one-third of women. Photo by Sandy Kim. Continue reading “If You Think Your Vagina Smells Weird, This is Probably Why”
OMG I was a guest on BoyCrazy Radio, Alexi Wasser’s sex and relationship call-in show. This was seriously a “moment” for me, since I’ve been reading Alexi’s blog, I’m Boy Crazy, for like 7 years now or something crazy. If you want to hear me and Alexi attempt to give people advice (lol) and also rant about our own relationships problems, you can do that below! Disclaimer: I was pretty drunk when this was recorded because it was on the night before Thanksgiving.
LIFE GOALS: I visited Stoya (one of my heroes!) at her Brooklyn home and had an interesting an intimate conversation about sex and dating… and porn and money and open-relationships and all the good stuff, basically. The interview can be read HERE on Amuse :) By Karley Sciortino. All photos by Tim Barber.
A couple want to find a unicorn for a threesome, and a high school girl wants to know how to push it to the next level with her close friend. By Karley Sciortino. Pic by Ellen Von Unwerth Continue reading “Ask Slutever: Moving Out of the Friendzone, and Where to Find a “Unicorn””
In a new VICE documentary, I investigate the ways that dating apps have become an essential part of our search for the next hook-up, true love, and everything in-between. Continue reading “The Mobile Love Industry: A New Vice Doc about Dating Apps”