Am I Normal? – Sex Work in the Deep South

Rose is a 27 year old escort living in rural Tennessee. She’s been in the business for three years, and also works an office job. I talked to her about the challenges of being a sex worker in a small town, and living a double life.

How and why did you get into escorting?
Rose: I’ve actually had an interest in doing it since I was young. Then, a few years ago I became friends with a girl and one night we drank a bunch and she ended up telling me about her sugar daddy who takes care of her bills, eventually as we became good friends she told me she also was an escort and started telling me about her Johns. I thought the job sounded really intriguing, and like an easy want to make money. She helped me get started, and showed me an escort website where you can post personal ads.

It’s funny, I’ve talked to a lot of sex workers and many of them say something similar–that sex work something they’d always wanted to do. Sort of like how if you ask a doctor about her job she’ll say, “I’ve always been interested in medicine.”
Yeah lol, it’s a total calling. Plus I’m not a person who makes emotional attachments through sex–it’s just a physical thing for me. Of course sex can be emotional, and I do enjoy having sex with people I have actual feelings for, but I’m also good at detaching. I don’t think most of my friends could do this job.

So if you have an office job, and don’t “need” money, is escorting just for thrills?
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I only have a legitimate job to cover for my greasy side work, and keep my family and friends from asking too many questions. I lead what some would call a double life. I’m attractive, I work, I’m popular in my area, but I also enjoy having my lifestyle paid for by men who go weak for a blonde with a Southern accent.

I know you live in a small town. Is it easy to make money escorting there?
Not at all. I live in the middle of nowhere in Tennessee–Nashville and Memphis are each two hours away–so it’s not the most reliable place to make money. There’s a lot of work in Nashville and Memphis, but that involves four hours of round trip travel, and then half the guys are flakes, so I like to arrange multiple appointments over a couple days if I’m going to make the time and effort to travel. Still, a lot of the time it’s a wasted effort and I end up spending more money than I make. But occasionally it works out. A lot of the time I arrange to work together with my escort friend who I mentioned–we’ll go to Memphis or Nashville together, which means we save money on gas and hotels. If I see clients in my hometown, they tend to be men who are traveling on business. But I don’t really like to work here too much, because it’s such a small, sleepy town, so it’s hard for me to walk into a Hampton Inn because I literally might know the person working behind the counter. Gossip here travels fast. Plus my parents live here–my dad owns a small business, and actually one of my clients owns a company that he buys goods from, so it’s risky business, really.

Have you ever used a sugar daddy website to meet clients, rather than a straight-up escort site?
I have, but they aren’t my favorite. A sugar daddy site once resulted in the biggest debacle I’ve ever gotten myself into.

What happened?
Well, the guy lived in New York and was CFO of a major TV news station, and he bought me a train ticket to visit him. I normally wouldn’t have gone, but I was already planning to come to New York to visit my friend, so I figured I might as well make money while I was there. So I ended up missing my train and getting there three hours later expected, at 8pm. He had a car pick me up at the station which brought me to wherever he lived in Brooklyn, which I quickly realized wasn’t a nice part of town, and then his apartment was crappy and rodent infested, and we literally had takeout for dinner.

Eww, NO. Takeout is so depressing.
I know! So I spent the night and I blew him but I was like, “I’m not having actual sex with you because you haven’t given me any money yet or fed me properly.” So the next morning we woke up and I asked what he had planned for us that evening, and he was like, “Actually I don’t think is going to work out, you should just stay with you friend.” And I was like, “Well, what about my money?” And he goes, “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” Like… thanks dude.

That’s heinous. From what I’ve heard, that’s what can be weird about sugar daddy sites–the money-for-time exchange isn’t as clear cut. Men who hire escorts know they have to pay by the hour, but sugar daddies want pseudo girlfriends–so basically a “non sex worker”–because they want to feel like they’re just helping a girl out, rather than paying for sex. But sometimes they can abuse that ambiguity.
Yeah, that’s what’s annoying about those sites, because it’s like, I am a call girl, I am an escort. On sugar daddy sites it’s really hard for me to draw the line between not wanting to sound like a professional, and making sure I get paid well. Plus those guy can be so needy too. I had one sugar daddy who wanted to text me constantly, and ask how my day was. I was like “Ugh, I don’t want to tell you how my day was!” And the weirdest part was that I think he was gay, so I never even slept with him. I would only kiss him on the cheek.

Do you think he wanted you to be his “beard” or whatever?
Well no, because we never went out in public. I just went to his house. He had a really awesome, old Victorian house with a giant wrap-around porch that we would sit on and drink beer. He gave me a $700 iPad on our first date, and he bought me a really nice collection of Jeffrey Campbell shoes that I don’t really know what to do with.

How do you juggle your real life relationships with your work? Do you tell guys on the first date about your job? Do you keep it a secret? What’s the protocol?
Juggling a relationship is complicated. In my personal sex life I generally have about five people at one time who I’m talking to, but I don’t commit to any of them because I’ve realized I just don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship. Generally, I don’t tell them about my job. There was one guy who was my primary hook-up for a year, and he would absolutely die if he knew I did any of this while I was with him–which I did, a lot. However, if I get to a point where I actually want to be in a relationship, the person will have to know and be OK with my work, because I don’t want to lie again. Basically, any guy who wants a traditional, monogamous relationship is instantly a no.

Have you ever met a guy, told him what you do, and he didn’t care?
Yeah, there’s one guy I’ve been seeing pretty casually for years, and he knows what I do and likes it. He has a thing for getting with total strangers, which I think is hot, and he think it’s hot that I get paid, so we enjoy talking about that. We probably could make so much money if we worked as a pair, but he refuses. He has a good job so he doesn’t need to make extra money.

Do you think working as an escort fulfills your sexual needs? Like maybe if you weren’t doing this you’d be more interested in having a conventional boyfriend, because you wouldn’t be getting so much sex and attention?
I kinda of feel like the three years of escorting has deterred me from ever wanting a conventional relationship again. Society wants to put you in a box, and tell you to be with one person, but then at work I see so many married men who are cheating on their wives, and they’re all so unhappy. Most of the time I have to sit there for an hour and listen to them talk about how they’re married to women who don’t appreciate them, who don’t have sex with them, who just take their money. And meanwhile they’re paying me $300 to listen to them. It makes me feel bad for them. I’ve actually been married before, when I was 21, but I got divorced when I was 23. We were together for 6 years.

Wow, 21 is young.
Yeah but it’s completely normal where I’m from–that’s how I got trapped into it. At 22 I had a career, a boyfriend, a perfect house and a nice car–the life some people dream of–but I was so unhappy. I didn’t have any friends, because all my old friends were going to college, so I would just come home from work and make dinner. Six months into being married my husband lived in the basement and I lived upstairs. We didn’t even talk anymore.

So there were two years in between your divorce and when you started doing sex work?

Yeah, it was weird because I was 23 and I’d never been on a real date before, and I’d only ever had sex with one person. It was basically like being 15 again. I ended up going to school–I have three college degrees. I dated people and made friends. It took me a minute to ease into having sex with other people because it seemed so strange after only having seen one person naked ever. But it’s been pretty easy since then.

Do you ever enjoy sex with clients?
I definitely like it sometimes, because I don’t care what they think about how I look, so I’m really uninhibited, whereas I get nervous and uptight around people I actually like.

Do you ever find being a prostitute degrading?
I don’t. I actually find it semi-empowering that there are people willing to pay money and buy me nice things just to hang out with for me an hour. I’m really nothing special–I’m just a small town girl with an office job who’s never done anything really spectacular.

Have you ever had any weird requests from clients?
Oh yeah. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole experience, it’s that people are just weird. But I kind of enjoy that. Probably my favorite part about getting into this industry has been learning about all the weird things that get people off, and how unique and special people really are. I had this one guy who  liked to be humiliated–he didn’t want me to let him touch me, which is fine because I prefer that. So we would go out to lunch or dinner, and I would wear something really nice and low cut to draw attention. He totally got off on other people were looking at us, thinking he wasn’t good enough to be out with me. Then we’d go back to the hotel room and I would videotape him masturbating while I told him he could never touch me.

Lol, that’s like being a dominatrix–I’ve done Domme sessions similar to that. So have you ever been really broke and done anything “drastic” to make money?
Not too drastic, but there was a month where I was between job and I needed money really bad, so I put an ad up on the ‘casual encounters’ section of Craigslist that was like “I need help, I’m traveling through the area and my car broke down, blah blah blah.” In two hours I got sixty responses. Over the next week I met three of the guys at hotels for sex, only one of which could actually perform, and made almost $2,000. I told each of them that my car needed a $600 repair and they all gave it to me.

Do your friends know what you do? Are they judgmental?
My good friends know, but I usually phrase it like I have a “sugar daddy” rather than that I’m a prostitute, ya know? I haven’t been able to tell my guy friends at all really–I find that they’re more judgmental than the girls. But I had one female friend get really judgmental on me when I did the Craigslist thing, and told me my job was degrading. But I was just like, “Well if that’s how you feel then we can’t be friends, because I think it’s degrading that you’re almost 30 and live with your parents. At least I make money and have my own place.”

You said you feel empowered by what you do. But have there ever been any moments when you felt bad, or you questioned what you were doing?

I usually feel a bit apprehensive before an appointment, but I really haven’t had any “bad experiences.” I mean, I’ve definitely had to sleep with my fair share of men that weren’t attractive–like really fat or really old, or really small dicks–but for me escorting is just a job, and I far prefer it to other jobs I’ve had, like when I worked in a deli and had to bread fried chicken. I was like, “Eww, I don’t want to do this, I hate my life!” But I don’t feel like that now. Still, I don’t imagine myself doing this forever.

p.s. You can read my interview with a New York City escort here.

Am I Normal? – Sensible Swinger

Alice is a 31 year old psychologist from Eastern Europe, currently living and working in New York. She is in an open marriage, and both she and her husband are very active in the NYC swinging community.

You’ve been with your husband for four years, married for three. How did you guys meet?
Alice: We met in the swinger world–through a couple who we were both fucking separately. We wouldn’t have been married if I didn’t need a green card. I would still be with him, of course, but I’ve always thought marriage was a stupid institution. I still do, although it was very useful.
 
So were you “open” from the beginning?
Yeah, there was never any expectation of monogamy. He’s been a swinger his whole life. I’ve been very unsuccessfully monogamous my whole life.
 
I feel you. That shit is hard!
It really is! That’s just not who I am. I tried to be monogamous twice–once in a long-term relationship with a man, another with a woman–and I failed miserably both times. In both cases, my partner was older than me, and they tried to convince me that when you really love someone you don’t want other people. And I thought, “Well, they’re older and wise than me… what do I know? I was 17, 18, 19, so I figured I’d try, but I cheated so much. So, after the second relationship ended I thought, “This is stupid, I‘m never promising monogamy to anyone ever again.”
 
Also, I’ve found that sometimes the restrictions of monogamy make you want to be even more crazy.
Yeah, it just wasn’t for me. It had nothing to do with my feelings for those people–I loved them very much–but I just needed to get laid by other people. Restricting myself doesn’t make me happy, and it doesn’t make me love my partner any less.
 
Do you get jealous?
I don’t.  I really don’t know what jealousy feels like and I hope I never do. If anything I’m like, “Go for it!” I feel happy for my partner when they hook-up.
 
See, I’m jealous that you can even say that. I wish I was more sociopathic, but unfortunately I do feel possessive sometimes, which is an issue in my open relationship! But anyway, I imagine you must feel very secure in your relationship to feel free of jealousy. If you felt threatened that your husband might leave you for someone else, that might change, right?
Security is critical. But it’s also largely about confidence–confidence in your own self and self-worth. I know that I’m a good, valuable person, and that’s big. I know that even if my husband left me for someone else, I’d be fine. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. We’re together because I think he’s the best possible partner for me right now, and I’m the best possible partner for him right now. If at any point, for whatever reason, he stops thinking that, then he stops being the most perfect partner for me, because why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t think of me first?
 
Very true. Does your husband ever feel jealous?
He struggles with it a little. It’s a personality thing–some people are just more emotional and get attached more easily than others. I also think it’s a biological thing. You just have to know yourself: even though some people want to stay unattached and be casual, as soon as something happens–especially if they have sex and have an orgasm–then they have all of this oxytocin running through their body, and people who are very susceptible to oxytocin start thinking, “Oh my God, is he going to call” or “Could this work out? Could he be the one?” even if it was a one night stand. While other people can just be like, “pffffft.”
 
That’s funny–in one of the episodes of my VICE series I interviewed my friend Leah, a neuroscientist at Rockefeller, about what makes people fall in love, and she said something like, “When you have an orgasm the brain releases of oxytocin, which is a chemical that helps to form and sustain love.” And I was like, “Wait… maybe that’s why I can have so much sex with dudes and rarely get attached–because they never make me cum. But my girlfriend is crazy good at making me cum, and I’m hooked.”
Thats so funny. So you have a hard time cumming with men?
 
I do, although in the past couple years I’ve gotten way better at it. But sometimes I’ll just masturbate while I’m fooling around with a guy, and I still count that as “cumming during sex.”
Yeah, that still counts. It doesn’t have to be them giving you the orgasm–it’s a situation where they’re involved. It seems that what oxytocin actually does is it ties the emotions of pleasure and euphoria with the memory of the person with whom you experienced this positive, pleasurable thing.
 
Oh wow. So if you cum during an orgy, it’s really confusing, basically.
Yep! Very true.
 
So what are the boundaries of your relationship with your husband?
Well our initial rule was that we could play with other people together but there were no restrictions when we were apart. But then my husband instituted a zip code rule, so basically we can only play separately with other people when we’re not in the same city. He needed that because he’s not as secure in himself or our relationship as I am. But when he instituted that rule I was like, “That’s fine, as long as we can take breaks.” So now every 4 to 6 weeks we take a break from each other for a week or two. He goes to the midwest for work a lot, so breaks are not hard. But now that we’ve been together for a while, and he feels more secure in our relationship, he’s started to relax a bit. And I certainly don’t impose that rule on him–he can play with whoever he wants, whenever he wants.
 
Really? But isn’t that unfair if he’s imposing that rule on you?
It’s not exactly equal, but I know he’s doing it because he wants to be mean. It’s because he can’t handle it. But it doesn’t make any difference to me, so I want to give him that freedom. If he wants to get a midday blow-job, he can go for it, even if I’m in town. And I know that eventually he’s going to be able to give me that freedom, too. It’s a process. He’s 44 and for his entire life he’s been the one who’s more open in his relationships. The he met me, and now he’s the one trying to catch up.
 
Do you and him have threesomes with other men?
Yep. He’s not bi though, so they’re very heterosexual threesomes where both guys are very focused on me.  
 
That so cool. So, where do you meet other swingers? Do you go to swingers parties in New York? Can you name a good one?
I do, I’ve been to many different sex parties. Hmm… there’s the Chemistry party in New York. They always have some sort of show, like a burlesque show, and there’s a DJ and catering. All of the good on-premise sex parties are kind of expensive–for a couple it’s like $150 or maybe more. But for single women it’s a lot cheaper. Most of these parties are bring your own booze, because you can’t have full nudity and sell alcohol in the same establishment in America. There’s also many online communities where you can meet swingers, for example Swinger Nation Ireland.
 
So these swinger parties start with eating, drinking and maybe a show, and then people just start fucking all in one room?
Well, it depends, but usually there’s a socializing room where people start making-out on the dance floor, and then you move into other rooms where there’s beds and stuff. Although you could technically have sex in the socializing room as well.
 
And how many people attend, roughly? And are they mainly hetero couples and lesbians?
Again it depends, but there are usually about 100. There’s almost never gay male couples. The swinger world is very heteronormative for males and then bi for women, so almost all of the women are bisexual, and almost all of the men are heterosexual. And there are actually not many lesbian couples either. And many parties won’t allow single men at all.
 
So at the risk of sounding superficial, what is the quality of the people at these things, looks-wise?
Different parties have different mixes, but I’ve usually found that I’d consider fucking about 20% of the group, and the other 80%, well…
 
That’s not bad.
Yeah, that’s still a lot of people. But remember, even if you like someone, they have to like you back! So it’s often difficult to find a good match, especially if you’re a couple.
 
What was your first swinging experience?
Well I had my first threesome when I was 13.
 
What the…?!
Yeah, I was precocious from the very beginning. I hung out with an older crowd, and I got into a lot of trouble early because I looked mature early, but it was all fun all great, and I’m glad I did everything that I did. But yeah my first threesome was with my boyfriend and another girl when I was thirteen, and I had my first MMF a year after that with two random actors guys–really hot. So this is something I’ve been doing my whole life. I never made a decision to become a swinger–that was just a term I applied later on.
 
What about your first sex party?
I lived in Berlin for six months before moving to the states, and my fuck-buddy and I would go to this sex club called the KitKatClub. I love that place–it’s very different from any sex party I’ve been to in the U.S–there were straight, gay, trans people, disabled people, kinky people, non-kinky people there. It was very inclusive. And there would always be a big crowd around my friend and I, watching us.
 
The only thing that worries me about sex parties is someone taking my picture with their phone.
No, no, that’s almost never allowed. Most events won’t allow pictures whatsoever, while some will allow pictures with consent.
 
Is there heavy security at these things?
Not really. Everyone just polices everyone else’s behavior. Usually guys are not allowed to touch women without consent, and at some parties guys can’t even approach people alone. Condoms are something you don’t even talk about–it’s understood by everyone that for vaginal and anal sex you always use one. Although for oral sex no one uses condoms,
 
So do huge orgies happen, or is it more like small groups?
Sometimes big orgies develop, sometimes people just have sex with the person they came with, but most often people play with one or two other people. And sometimes a gangbang situation will happen if single men are allowed. You should just come with me one day, and see for yourself!

:)

Am I Normal? – High Class Escort

Belle is a 23-year-old prostitute. She’s been selling sex for more than two years, primarily sleeping with men she meets through sugar daddy websites. She talked to me about her life sleeping with Saudi princes, attending paid orgies, and the truth about men who pay for sex.

Slutever: So how long have you been fucking people for money?
Belle: Since I was 20. For a long time before that I’d had a prostitution fetish. I was living in London at the time, working as a nanny, and basically I crashed the family’s car. So I was looking on Craigslist for babysitting gigs to make extra cash to help them pay for it, and I noticed there were a few ads from older men looking for a “rendezvous.” Most of them were like sixty years old, but there was one guy who was 32 and offering £500 for an hour, so I emailed him and was like, “I’ve never done anything like this before, I have no idea if I’m even capable, but I’m interested.”

And?!
He was very polite and eased me through the whole thing. I asked him a million questions—literally down to “Do I have to act into you?” He just made me feel really comfortable. So I went through with it and I really, really liked it.

You just went and fucked him at his house or something?
No, we got a hotel. But basically after that I knew I could psychologically handle having sex for money–it wasn’t just a fantasy anymore. And then I came across an article about sugar daddy websites, and so I made a profile on one of the sites, just to see if the daddies were only looking for supermodel types, and I got loads to replies. That was more than two years ago, and I’ve been doing it ever since.

So you see sugar daddies, and you also work for an escort agency, right?
Yeah, but I only do the agency when I’m low on cash, because it’s a sure thing, and I know I can definitely make a certain amount in a night. Working for the agency is more standard prostitution–you’re given a driver/bodyguard who drives you around the city in a black car, and you see multiple clients in a row, who are all pre-booked for you by the Madam. But I’d much rather see an SD. It’s classier and more fun.

So what types of guys do you meet through sugar daddy sites and what do they want from you?
There’s generally two types of guys—I’ve nicknamed them. There’s the ‘Bleeding Heart,’ and the ‘Contract Sugar Daddy.’ The ‘Bleeding Heart’ actually thinks he’s in a relationship with you and wants you to generally be attracted to him, and wants to spend time together and for you to have sex with him. Those types are always like, “I’m always really generous with my girlfriends so I don’t see why this is any different. I would take care of you anyway, so the fact that we met on this site doesn’t make a difference for me,” sort of thing. Sometimes they even want you not to see other people. And the Contract Sugar Daddies are more business about it, and pay you a set fee each time they see you, or give you an “allowance” of a set amount each month.

So with the Bleeding Heart types do you have to “act” a bit more?
Yeah, you need to cuddle, you need to sleep over.

You sleep over? Eww.
I know it’s really awful, I hate doing it. I can’t sleep! But I tried the whole, “I can’t sleep over, I don’t sleep well” thing, but sometimes they won’t call you back if you don’t. I feel like I’ve missed out on some opportunities by not sleeping over. I’m thinking of investing in sleeping aids.

I feel like I’d be scared the guy would murder me in my sleep.
I think by the time you’ve been comfortable enough to lock yourself in a room with someone and get naked, you’ve committed. And by the way, guys you meet in bars for one-night-stands can murder you in your sleep too! I’d rather not sleep over, but if it means getting a more reliable SD then I’ll do it.

So have you ever met an SD who you were legitimately into?
Definitely. There was this one guy who was a Saudi prince. He flew me to Paris first-class and put me in a five star hotel. When I got there, there were four dozen roses and a bottle of Dom Perignon from my birth year. And at that point I hadn’t even talked to him on the phone, we had just emailed and sent pictures. When I finally saw him in person I was nervous because he was so good looking. He looked like Aladdin. His deal was that he wanted to meet me in Paris once every other month and he would give me 30 grand over a six month period.

That’s crazy. So what happened?
We had dinner and then went up to the room and fucked a couple of times. I was really into it but he was kind of insecure like, “I know I’m good but I’m not that good.” I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

So did the 6 months deal pan out?
Well, no. What happened was that he gave me five grand on the first night, and the next morning he went to Cannes to do renovations on a house. So I just stayed in Paris, and he was like, “Charge everything to the hotel and I’ll take care of it,” so I invited friends over and we would just order room service and watch TV and jump on the bed. But after a few days, when he still wasn’t back, I got an email saying, “I’m sorry darling, this is my first transgression against my wife and I don’t feel good about it.” It was totally fair enough, but it sucked as well!

So do you have a reliable SD now?
I’ve been seeing a lot of this one guy who runs a fashion company. He wants to dress me up as his doll and put me in high fashion shit, so that’s cool. He’s really fun to hang out with, and actually sort of has a gay vibe. He texted me today with a plan for our next date saying, “We’ll go to the spa and get mani/pedis and then we’ll go home and have sex and then we’ll go shopping and get you all dressed up and then we’ll go to Book of Mormon and then we’ll go to a fabulous dinner.” LOL. Like, can’t complain there!

But you “date” more than one SD at once, right?
When I first signed up I was really ‘girl next door’ about it and would only talk to one person at a time. But you kill so much time that way. It’s not like I’m trying to have five guys at once–I’m too lazy for that. Ideally I would just have one reliable guy. But these guys are so unpredictable and flaky. Like for example I had this one guy who was amazing. We met a total of four times and we never had sex–we’d just have dinner or get drinks–but every time we met he’d give me a thousand dollars in an envelope.

Wait, why didn’t you have sex?
Because he did but he was, like, getting to know me or whatever.

Random.
Yeah. So the first meeting we just met for drinks and then he had to go back to work, but he handed me an envelope. The standard for a non-sex meeting is usually around $200 to $250. I’m not saying the majority of guys do that, but if they want to show you that they’re serious about being a sugar daddy, and that they’re capable, they usually give you a gift. So anyway that’s what I expected, and then I looked in the envelope and saw a grand and was like OMG.

That’s insane. Was he good looking?
Yeah! He was really cute. He wasn’t my type but he was like 35, 6’2, blond hair, Tom Ford suit, nice glasses. He was totally someone I could take out and not be embarrassed by. He wasn’t “cool,” like he doesn’t work at Vice or whatever, but he was fine.

He wasn’t alt.
Defs not alt. But I was really pumped on it going somewhere. So we went on four dates and every time it was a thousand dollars, and then on the last date we made out and he was like, “I’m really happy I met you,” but then I just never heard from him again.

That’s so weird. Do you think he found another girl?
Who knows. That’s what I mean, these guys are so flaky. Maybe he was married. If he found another girl that would have been totally fine. The thing about these kinds of relationships is that they’re so direct and honest–you’re basically a commodity, so guys can just tell you if they don’t want to see you anymore and it’s not a big deal–which is why I was so confused when he disappeared with no explanation at all.

This seems like it’s a huge part of your life. To what extent do you keep it a secret? Do your friends and parents know what you do?
Most of my friends do. I have no filter! Especially when I’m blacked-out, lol. I always end up telling most of the guys I’m dating in my “real life” about my job too, which is probably why I haven’t had a boyfriend in a couple years. I would really like to find someone to date who didn’t mind my work though, and for the right person I would probably be willing to work less. Also, my parents know what I do because my sister told them. Afterward I got a call from my dad. He literally said, “Hey honey, I heard you’re turning tricks.”

Oh god.
Well, they care, but they’re hippies, so they’re sort of ok with it. Once my dad was really low on cash and struggling to pay his bills, and I was home visiting him and felt really bad. So I went on the site and this guy was offering me $1,000 for a blow job, so he picked me up and I sucked him off and was back like 30 min later, and just handed my dad the cash. He started crying actually, he couldn’t really deal. But he was also like, “What the fuck, you were only gone half an hour!” He could NOT believe anyone would pay me that much. I was like, “Uhh… Dad, that’s actually weirdly insulting.”

That’s so awkward, we need to move on. So do you ever sleep with other escorts, like in an American Psycho threesome sort of way, but without the chainsaw?
Yeah, actually I have one client who only sleeps with more than woman at a time, so with him I only do threesomes. He always brings the other girl and gives us each $700, and the whole thing takes about an hour. He’s so sweet, I love him. He grew up in a really poor family, so it’s a rags to riches story.

Do you like the threesomes?
Well threesomes are cool because you only have to do half the work. But there’s a bit more pressure, especially because I never know what the other girl’s going to look like, and I’m always nervous she’s going to hate me. I have more confidence with wooing men than I do women. I can’t tell if a girl is thinking, “I can’t wait for this to be over.” I guess it’s an insecurity thing.

Do clients ever want you to do really kinky shit?
I recently had this one client who’s an amazing Austrian guy, early thirties, a top surgeon, speaks five languages, and he was staying at the Ritz and we would go for really nice dinners. The sex with him was really weird and perverted and hot. He’s really into lactation. He was like, “You might be a little young but maybe three years from now, if you work on it and milk your tits, you’ll be able to lactate.” And he’d always be working my tits. One time he was lying in bed, completely naked with a boner and a pillow on top of his face, and he was like, “This is my newest fetish,” and I got on top of him and was fucking him while suffocating him. It was just fun, adventurous, interesting sex.

But I’m semi confused because for the guys it’s like—you’re good-looking, you’re successful, you’re rich, so why can’t you just fuck someone without having to pay them? Are they just awful people?
No, they’re usually fine. They’re just too busy. And they have standards. It’s hard to just meet someone at a bar who’s hot and smart and who you can have an interesting conversation with, who also wants to fuck you on the first night.

And they know they will find hot and smart girls on an SD site?
Well they can read your profile. If your profile is written well and witty and your photos are hot, that’s a good start.

So how much money do you make per month?
It’s so month-to-month. But I had one arrangement that was 7.5K a month just from one guy.

Really? Do you have a huge savings?
No, I have zero savings! You think it’s so much money until you have it. I think my biggest problem was that I felt almost guilty about how much money I had, since my friends are obviously all young and poor, so I would just pay for everything. Also I had just moved to New York so I was going out every night until 4am, and basically paying for everyone. And my apartment was $2350 a month. That was part of the deal–he was married so he wanted me to have my own place and he asked that it be within four stops of Grand Central.

How long did that arrangement last?
Four months, and he told me it would last that long right from the beginning, which was cool.

So has whoredom been a pretty positive experience throughout, or has there ever been times when you felt used or in danger or whatev?
That’s so subjective, if you’re asking me that versus another sugar baby, you’re going to get very different answers. One of my closest friends signed up and was getting slimy messages and was not really into it, but it takes a lot for me to be shocked or grossed out. Also I sort of get off on the riskiness of it. I genuinely love my job.

Would there be a reason that you would say no to sleeping with a client?
No. The only time I walked out of a meeting was when an agency sent me somewhere really shady–like a drug den, and not the baller swag type of drug den.

Do you have personal rules for yourself?
Always use condoms, I always meet SDs in public before going to their houses.

What would you say is the best part of the job, besides the money?
You get to meet people outside of your social circle, which I like. And also this job has led me to discover that there is a silver lining to everyone. There are guys I go on dates with who in “real life” I wouldn’t look twice at, but when I’m forced to sit down and talk to them, I always find something endearing about their personality. Like maybe the guy know tons about the soil in Argentina and how it affects the climate… I can get down with that, I can take home some trivia.

So basically being a whore makes you rich and smart.
Totally. Or at least I know way more about the stock market than most 23-year-old girls living in Brooklyn.

Am I Normal? – Cum Slave and Male Escort

One of my dominatrix clients is a businessman in his early 50s who likes to be treated like a whore and forced to eat his own cum. We’ve been doing sessions together for a year now, and over time we’ve become pretty good friends. Sometimes we hang out casually, just to chat. Like for example we’ll go have sushi and talk about Rihanna, and then afterward we’ll go back to the dungeon and I’ll ride him around like a horse. My sub (let’s call him Cum Slut) is always fun to talk to because he has endless crazy sex stories, starting from back when he first immersed himself in NYC’s S&M scene in the early 80s. Something I didn’t know about Cum Slut until recently, however, is that in his 20s he worked as a male escort. Edgy. I recently interviewed him about his prostitution days, and you can read the result below.

Slutever: So you were a male escort?
Cum Slut: Yeah, when I was in my twenties.

How did you get into doing sex work?
I worked as a parking lot attendant at a sex club on 34th Street called Plato’s Retreat. You should look it up some time. That place was like ancient Rome. They threw crazy swingers parties, there was a pool inside, all the rooms had beds in them, and one night of the week would be S&M night. While I had that job, a couple different times people who hung out at the club propositioned me, and those were my first experiences with prostitution.

Did you like working at the club?
Not really. I had to do a lot of clean up stuff, which wasn’t fun. One night somebody set a fire in one of the beds and the employees had to put it out. It was started a husband who was mad at his wife for fucking a bunch of guys. He wanted her to stop, but she wouldn’t stop and he got upset about it. She stopped when the fire broke out.

What year was this?
This was 1984, 85.

It’s weird that people were fucking strangers so freely during the height of the AIDS epidemic.
Yes, it was scary. Everybody was using condoms though.

So how did the people proposition you?
Well there was this one woman and her husband who I saw come into the club a few times. I was friendly with them, and the guy didn’t feel uncomfortable around me. One night they showed up and I parked their car and they tipped me $80. Now back then, that was a lot of money. And then at the end of the night when I bought their car back the woman just said, “So do you want take us home?”

That’s a good line.
Yeah it was. And off we went. The the next time they showed up they tipped me over $100 for parking–it was kind of like a ‘wink’–and I went back with them a second time.

How did you get further into prostitution from there?
Well after that I met this other woman named Anna. She was an escort, and she asked me if I would be her driver and security guard. How it usually works with escorts is that their agency sets them up with clients, and then they’re driven around from job to job by a bouncer type. In this case the agency actually provided the car as well. So I told her yeah, I would do it.

What was that like?
Basically I had a beeper that would tell me what addresses to take her to, and I got $25 an hour to drive her around for the evening, and I spent most of the time just waiting in the car on my own. For the first ten minutes that she was inside with a new client I’d have to be ready to jump, or to call the cops if something went wrong, but nothing ever went wrong. The agencies have this stuff on pretty heavy lock-down. Even back then they were screening the clients. Guys would have to show a drivers license and give information about where they worked–stuff like that. It was pretty worry-free. Or at least it was with this agency, I’m not sure how everybody else did it.

You never had one single problem?
No. I had a couple girls walk out of places. If they felt like a situation was weird, they would just leave and come back to the car. When the guys are weird or freak you out, you just have to trust your instincts and get out of there. But anyway, I ended up being the driver for this woman for like a year and a half, and at a certain point I started to go in and do scenes with her sometimes, if the client requested it. Or sometimes the client would be a couple and they’d want another couple, and that’s how I got back into sex work.

What was your role in the scenes?
I was the bull. The Dom. Amazing how things change, right?

Do you like being dominant?
Yeah, I’m a switch.

Wow, I would have never guessed that from the sessions you and I do together where you beg me for cock and ball torture. I’m a switch too.
You wouldn’t know from what I’ve told you. I would have guessed that you are a switch though. Also, I guess that’s pretty evident from your blog.

Lol true. So with Anna, was it a mindfuck that you spent so much time with her and were fucking each other so often? Did you end up liking each other?
Yeah we did. We ended up having a two month thing where we thought we might actually like each other, but because we were working together so often, something about the relationship was just off. I can’t explain it, I think there was just too much familiarity. When I first started driving her around all I wanted to do was fuck her. I would get sort of jealous when she would go in and see other guys. Then when our affair started, for the first couple weeks I thought I was in heaven, but it wore off fast because we always had to go back to work.

What was she like?
She had great taste and wore amazing clothes. Her winter coat–I’ll never forget it–was the most beautiful shearling wool winter coat I’ve ever seen. It was like what Vikings wore. It must have cost at least ten grand, and that was in the 80s. She once talked to me about how she did business, and she said, “I never talk about money. I just only go after the guys who I know have it.” Basically she would leave it up to her clients to decide how much to leave her, but she would never discuss money with them, because talking about money is awkward. That’s really what you’re striving for if you’re working as an escort–you want your clients to be the type who you know will treat you well, without you having to ask.

How long did you work with her?
About three years. But I ended up working on my own sometimes too.

How much did you make?
Back then it was like $175 an hour. I’d get $75 and the agency would get $100. I didn’t like splitting the money obviously, but I liked that it was safe, and that the agency would sort everything out and all I had to do was show up.

What else did you like about the job?
I looked at it like opening magic doors at night, where I would always see or hear something new. And getting head from guys was cool.

Why, are they better at it than girls?
Most are. In purely physical terms, anyway. Men just know what they’re working with. But for me, when I’m getting head from a woman, there’s the additional element that I might like her, which makes the sexual interaction better. I don’t have love for men in the same way that I do for women.

Do you think prostitution is a good job?
It depends how it’s done, like anything. But I think it definitely has an expiration date. I would see it taking a toll on some of the women over time. The job can result in a lot of compulsive behavior. Smoking and drinking especially, and drugs―all the things that are ‘the devil’ [laughs].

Well I can imagine that fucking a series of strangers is not the sort of thing you want to do sober.
Right, exactly.

And lastly, why do you think you are drawn to these extremes of sexuality?
Well, I listened to this really great interview on Howard Stern the other day. He was interviewing this gay man who’s now found God, but at one point he was doing really hardcore sex stuff–bondage scenes, pissing, lots of gangbangs, being punched in the face and knocked out, etc.–and the man was saying that he ritualized sex in order to learn about himself, that sex was about self-analysis. And I really understand that. I find sex very illuminating.

So what has sex taught you about yourself?
Well in an obvious way it’s taught me what turns me on, and what scenarios excite me. But to go deeper than that, I would say I’ve learned that I have a certain capability for compartmentalization. And that applies to things in my life far beyond sex. I’ve learned that as people, there are important aspects of ourselves that are always present, yet are not always evident.

Am I Normal? – Gay with Cerebral Palsy

Photo by Coco Young

Edward is a 25-year-old writer and editor living in New York City. He recently wrote an extremely funny and touching book about his life as a gay guy with cerebral palsy. The book will be out next year. I talked to Edward about dating, anal stretching, and what is means to “water your self-esteem plant.”

This may sound strange, but we’ve met in person many times, and I never knew you had cerebral palsy until you told me. I just thought you had quirky mannerisms.
Most people can’t tell. It’s like: He’s just gay! Gay or disabled. Not clear.

Lol. So is your CP mild?
It’s mild, but it’s still there. I have a limp. I was born with mild cerebral palsy, and CP really affects you the first 12 years of your life because you’re growing, so you have a lot of surgeries, and blah blah blah. I had leg braces and shit like that. Then, when I was seven I had an Achilles tendon lengthening surgery. So that was pretty intense. I had a body cast for two-and-a-half weeks, and I was in a wheelchair for three months. But it all levels out–you kind of plateau in a weird way–when you hit puberty. I was in physical therapy ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I had this fantasy about going to physical therapy and finding a CP BFF, and we’d commiserate about how sometimes we drool and how hard it is to put the key in the door.

What was your first dating experience like?
Well I came out of the closet when I was 17, my junior year of high school. I had met this guy who I was obsessed with, Sam. I remember seeing him across the quad wearing this Smiths t-shirt and thinking, “I need to be with him.” He was Mexican, tan and really beautiful. I knew he was gay – muscle shirts, The Smiths–hello! So I became friends with him, but I knew if I wanted to be with him that I had to be out of the closet. So I came out to everyone I knew in two weeks. It was great, I threw a party.

Did your parents care?
No, they didn’t give a shit. Give me a break. I don’t relate to the whole ‘tortured coming-out, Glee, It Gets Better’ thing. Being gay has always been pretty good for me. But anyway Sam and I started dating and it was my first teen love experience. I lost my virginity. It was really great.

Did Sam know you had CP?
Yeah, everyone in my town knew. I don’t think Sam knew exactly, but he obviously knew something was wrong with me. I remember talking to him about it one night when he slept over, and he just said, “I don’t care, it’s fine.” It was so validating to hear, because I genuinely thought I was going to be alone forever. Like I remember when I had my self-affirming “I’m gay” moment. I was 12 and watching Cruel Intentions, and I was like “Whoops, I like Ryan Phillippe better than I like Sarah Michelle Gellar.” I remember thinking, “This is it for me, no one is going love a gay guy with CP.”

Gay and CP–double whammy.
Oh yeah. It was like, “I’m fucked. See ya, that’s a wrap for me!” So getting validation from someone like Sam who was able-bodied and attractive was very, very crucial. I needed that. And we had a lot of sex.

What was the first time like?
Well the first time hurt a lot. What happened was – this is so insane – we tried to do a position with my legs in the air. Now, because of the CP my muscles are very tight. I am not flexible to say the least, honey. My legs can sort of go up–I mean, it’s not Cirque Du Soleil–but they go up to the point where you can get in. But it ended up not really working, and we had to stop a few times. In the end we just did it face-down with him on top of me. But I didn’t really like it, because I couldn’t see him.

Yeah, legs-up anal is too much for a beginner. I think you have to stretch it out first.
Yeah, exactly. For the first two weeks I thought something was wrong with me because sex hurt so badly. But of course, once my asshole got stretched out it was like ‘Oh hey girl hey,’ forever.

So you became more sexually confident after Sam?
Well when we were dating I was still violently insecure. Sam was really beautiful and I was this schlubby, awkward-looking 17-year-old with CP. I always had the suspicion that people were looking at us thinking, “What is Sam doing with him? He can do so much better.” Then there was this horrendous girl at my high school. She hated herself, so she was a mean girl. And at one point she said to a group of my friends, “What the fuck is Sam doing with Edward? He has cerebral palsy. That is sick.”

What a cunt.
Yeah, hearing that was horrifying. It was someone vocalizing my worst fears.

So what happened sex-wise after Sam?
Well we dated for eight months, until high school ended. Then after that me and my best girlfriend both dated the same guy for the entire summer. She would hook up with him, then I would go over and hook up with him. It was some 18-year-old Dreamers shit. But he was definitely gay and couldn’t get hard for my friend. She felt really embarrassed about it, so he told her that he had testicular cancer and that’s why he couldn’t get hard from a vagina.

Casual. So what happened in college?
Well post-high school I was feeling pretty sexually confident, and I was moving to San Francisco for college. I thought it was going to be my mothership, since San Francisco is obviously the gayest place on earth. But I ended up being celibate for two years!

Why?
Basically what happens with me is, having sex is like watering my self-esteem plant. But if I go a period of time without sex, then I go back into my, ‘I’m ugly, no one wants me because I have CP’ mindset, and part of me just shuts off completely. I become afraid of men. And that’s what happened in SF.

I relate to the “self-esteem watering” thing. I sort of hate it, because I don’t want my confidence to be directly related to someone wanting to have sex with me. I want to feel good because I create cool things, ya know? But I also can’t help that sexual attention makes me feel good.
Yeah, of course. Shit, how do we get more confidence?

No clue. So anyway, no one in New York seems to know that you have CP. How come?
I’ll give you the full story: When I was 20-years-old I got hit by a car in San Francisco, and I developed this thing called compartment syndrome. The car hit me and crushed my elbow, which cut off circulation to the muscles and they started to die. I was in the hospital and I had four surgeries in three weeks. Then, when I moved to New York after college, people assumed that I was just an accident victim, and I just didn’t bother to correct them.

Why not?
I was never comfortable having cerebral palsy. It’s just something that no one can ever understand–they are confused by it, it’s taboo. You could get hit by a car today, but you could never have CP. So people are a lot more comfortable with the idea of me being “the guy who got hit by a car” than someone who has been living with CP his entire life. And you can’t turn down sex with someone who got hit by a car–that’s just fucked up.

My ex-boyfriend was disabled; he wore leg braces and walked with crutches. He did a similar thing to you–if someone asked him what was wrong, he would say he had a broken leg.
Yeah, like it’s none of their fucking business. It’s a can of worms that just doesn’t need to be opened every goddamned day. So moving to New York was like an instant confidence boost again, because it was like I didn’t have CP.

It was an opportunity to be reborn.
Exactly. And I started dating again in a real way. I moved to NYC when I was 21, and for the next four years there was never a lull. I felt so empowered, so cute and sexy. No one asked me what was wrong. It was the life I was always meant to have. And I got really busy with work and was earning writing success, and was hooking up with guys I never would have thought I’d have a chance with.

But wait, pretty soon everyone is going to know you have CP, because you wrote a book about it.
Yeah, writing the book was my way of coming to terms with it. It’s hard because I’m having to come out to my friends in New York, but I’m so ready. I actually think a lot of my current issues with my disability stem from me not being open about it.

So what’s your dating life like now?
To be honest Karley, I’ve been out of commish for a little while. I haven’t had sex in nine months.

That’s pretty long.
It’s a pregnancy.

So why no sex?
I don’t know. I was really busy with my book, especially since I was working full-time as an editor while writing it. But then, it’s typical of me to create excuses not to date someone. But now I’m making a conscious effort to make that part of my life again. I want to have a lot more sex.

Would you ever do stereotypical gay guy Grindr hookups?
No. I’m not wired that way. I’m too shy. I’m also scared of using OkCupid and then showing up with a limp. It’s a serious issue for me.

Would you ever join a fetish site in order to meet guys who are specifically attracted to people with disabilities?
No, I don’t want to feel fetishized. I need to know that someone would still like me regardless of disability. It feels like I’ll never have enough validation. Especially living in New York. It’s always like, “Why are they with me when there is a Ryan Gosling-esque guy around the corner?” There is this disconnect because I think I am an awesome person, I think I’m funny, I think I’m smart, but when it comes down to matters of sex and attraction, I don’t think I can measure up.

That’s weird, especially within our alternative, creative scene where people sort of praise weirdness. I feel like most interesting, creative people appreciate alternative forms of beauty. I’m never attracted to the classically beautiful type.
I wish I could find the guy version of you, Karley. Everyone is beautiful, it’s a dime-a-dozen. Give me something unique. I’m more attracted to that, too. I like guys with character.

Am I Normal? – High Class Escort

Photos of Madeline by Stacey Mark

Madeline is a 23-year-old prostitute. She’s been selling sex for more than two years, primarily sleeping with men she meets through sugar daddy websites. She talked to me about her life fucking Saudi princes, paid orgies, and the truth about men who pay for sex.

So how long have you been fucking people for money?
Madeline: Since I was 20. For a long time before that I’d had a prostitution fetish. I was living in London at the time, working as a nanny, and basically I crashed the family’s car. So I was looking on Craigslist for babysitting gigs to make extra cash to help them pay for it, and I noticed there were a few ads from older men looking for a “rendezvous.” Most of them were like sixty years old, but there was one guy who was 32 and offering £500 for an hour, so I emailed him and was like, “I’ve never done anything like this before, I have no idea if I’m even capable, but I’m interested.”

And?!
He was very polite and eased me through the whole thing. I asked him a million questions—literally down to “Do I have to act into you?” He just made me feel really comfortable. So I went through with it and I really, really liked it.

You just went and fucked him at his house or something?
No, we got a hotel. But basically after that I knew I could psychologically handle having sex for money–it wasn’t just a fantasy anymore. And then I came across an article about sugar daddy websites, and so I made a profile on one of the sites, just to see if the daddies were only looking for supermodel types, and I got loads to replies. That was more than two years ago, and I’ve been doing it ever since.

So you see sugar daddies, and you also work for an escort agency, right?
Yeah, but I only do the agency when I’m low on cash, because it’s a sure thing, and I know I can definitely make a certain amount in a night. Working for the agency is more standard prostitution–you’re given a driver/bodyguard who drives you around the city in a black car, and you see multiple clients in a row, who are all pre-booked for you by the Madam. But I’d much rather see an SD. It’s classier and more fun.

So what types of guys do you meet through sugar daddy sites and what do they want from you?
There’s generally two types of guys—I’ve nicknamed them. There’s the ‘Bleeding Heart,’ and the ‘Contract Sugar Daddy.’ The ‘Bleeding Heart’ actually thinks he’s in a relationship with you and wants you to generally be attracted to him, and wants to spend time together and for you to have sex with him. Those types are always like, “I’m always really generous with my girlfriends so I don’t see why this is any different. I would take care of you anyway, so the fact that we met on this site doesn’t make a difference for me,” sort of thing. Sometimes they even want you not to see other people. And the Contract Sugar Daddies are more business about it, and pay you a set fee each time they see you, or give you an “allowance” of a set amount each month.

So with the Bleeding Heart types do you have to “act” a bit more?
Yeah, you need to cuddle, you need to sleep over.

You sleep over? Eww.
I know it’s really awful, I hate doing it. I can’t sleep! But I tried the whole, “I can’t sleep over, I don’t sleep well” thing, but sometimes they won’t call you back if you don’t. I feel like I’ve missed out on some opportunities by not sleeping over. I’m thinking of investing in sleeping aids.

I feel like I’d be scared the guy would murder me in my sleep.
I think by the time you’ve been comfortable enough to lock yourself in a room with someone and get naked, you’ve committed. And by the way, guys you meet in bars for one-night-stands can murder you in your sleep too! I’d rather not sleep over, but if it means getting a more reliable SD then I’ll do it.

So have you ever met an SD who you were legitimately into?
Definitely. There was this one guy who was a Saudi prince. He flew me to Paris first-class and put me in a five star hotel. When I got there, there were four dozen roses and a bottle of Dom Perignon from my birth year. And at that point I hadn’t even talked to him on the phone, we had just emailed and sent pictures. When I finally saw him in person I was nervous because he was so good looking. He looked like Aladdin. His deal was that he wanted to meet me in Paris once every other month and he would give me 30 grand over a six month period.

That’s crazy. So what happened?
We had dinner and then went up to the room and fucked a couple of times. I was really into it but he was kind of insecure like, “I know I’m good but I’m not that good.” I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

So did the 6 months deal pan out?
Well, no. What happened was that he gave me five grand on the first night, and the next morning he went to Cannes to do renovations on a house. So I just stayed in Paris, and he was like, “Charge everything to the hotel and I’ll take care of it,” so I invited friends over and we would just order room service and watch TV and jump on the bed. But after a few days, when he still wasn’t back, I got an email saying, “I’m sorry darling, this is my first transgression against my wife and I don’t feel good about it.” It was totally fair enough, but it sucked as well!

So do you have a reliable SD now?
I’ve been seeing a lot of this one guy who runs a fashion company. He wants to dress me up as his doll and put me in high fashion shit, so that’s cool. He’s really fun to hang out with, and actually sort of has a gay vibe. He texted me today with a plan for our next date saying, “We’ll go to the spa and get mani/pedis and then we’ll go home and have sex and then we’ll go shopping and get you all dressed up and then we’ll go to Book of Mormon and then we’ll go to a fabulous dinner.” LOL. Like, can’t complain there!

But you “date” more than one SD at once, right?
When I first signed up I was really ‘girl next door’ about it and would only talk to one person at a time. But you kill so much time that way. It’s not like I’m trying to have five guys at once–I’m too lazy for that. Ideally I would just have one reliable guy. But these guys are so unpredictable and flaky. Like for example I had this one guy who was amazing. We met a total of four times and we never had sex–we’d just have dinner or get drinks–but every time we met he’d give me a thousand dollars in an envelope.

Wait, why didn’t you have sex?
Because he did but he was, like, getting to know me or whatever.

Random.
Yeah. So the first meeting we just met for drinks and then he had to go back to work, but he handed me an envelope. The standard for a non-sex meeting is usually around $200 to $250. I’m not saying the majority of guys do that, but if they want to show you that they’re serious about being a sugar daddy, and that they’re capable, they usually give you a gift. So anyway that’s what I expected, and then I looked in the envelope and saw a grand and was like OMG.

That’s insane. Was he good looking?
Yeah! He was really cute. He wasn’t my type but he was like 35, 6’2, blond hair, Tom Ford suit, nice glasses. He was totally someone I could take out and not be embarrassed by. He wasn’t “cool,” like he doesn’t work at Vice or whatever, but he was fine.

He wasn’t alt.
Defs not alt. But I was really pumped on it going somewhere. So we went on four dates and every time it was a thousand dollars, and then on the last date we made out and he was like, “I’m really happy I met you,” but then I just never heard from him again.

That’s so weird. Do you think he found another girl?
Who knows. That’s what I mean, these guys are so flaky. Maybe he was married. If he found another girl that would have been totally fine. The thing about these kinds of relationships is that they’re so direct and honest–you’re basically a commodity, so guys can just tell you if they don’t want to see you anymore and it’s not a big deal–which is why I was so confused when he disappeared with no explanation at all.

This seems like it’s a huge part of your life. To what extent do you keep it a secret? Do your friends and parents know what you do?
Most of my friends do. I have no filter! Especially when I’m blacked-out, lol. I always end up telling most of the guys I’m dating in my “real life” about my job too, which is probably why I haven’t had a boyfriend in a couple years. I would really like to find someone to date who didn’t mind my work though, and for the right person I would probably be willing to work less. Also, my parents know what I do because my sister told them. Afterward I got a call from my dad. He literally said, “Hey honey, I heard you’re turning tricks.”

Oh god.
Well, they care, but they’re hippies, so they’re sort of ok with it. Once my dad was really low on cash and struggling to pay his bills, and I was home visiting him and felt really bad. So I went on the site and this guy was offering me $1,000 for a blow job, so he picked me up and I sucked him off and was back like 30 min later, and just handed my dad the cash. He started crying actually, he couldn’t really deal. But he was also like, “What the fuck, you were only gone half an hour!” He could NOT believe anyone would pay me that much. I was like, “Uhh… Dad, that’s actually weirdly insulting.”

That’s so awkward, we need to move on. So do you ever sleep with other escorts, like in an American Psycho threesome sort of way, but without the chainsaw?
Yeah, actually I have one client who only sleeps with more than woman at a time, so with him I only do threesomes. He always brings the other girl and gives us each $700, and the whole thing takes about an hour. He’s so sweet, I love him. He grew up in a really poor family, so it’s a rags to riches story.

Do you like the threesomes?
Well threesomes are cool because you only have to do half the work. But there’s a bit more pressure, especially because I never know what the other girl’s going to look like, and I’m always nervous she’s going to hate me. I have more confidence with wooing men than I do women. I can’t tell if a girl is thinking, “I can’t wait for this to be over.” I guess it’s an insecurity thing.

Do clients ever want you to do really kinky shit?
I recently had this one client who’s an amazing German guy, early thirties, top lawyer in his field, speaks five languages, and he was staying at the Ritz and we would go for really nice dinners. The sex with him was really weird and perverted and hot. He’s really into lactation. He was like, “You might be a little young but maybe three years from now, if you work on it and milk your tits, you’ll be able to lactate.” And he’d always be working my tits. One time he was lying in bed, completely naked with a boner and a pillow on top of his face, and he was like, “This is my newest fetish,” and I got on top of him and was fucking him while suffocating him. It was just fun, adventurous, interesting sex.

But I’m semi confused because for the guys it’s like—you’re good-looking, you’re successful, you’re rich, so why can’t you just fuck someone without having to pay them? Are they just awful people?
No, they’re usually fine. They’re just too busy. And they have standards. It’s hard to just meet someone at a bar who’s hot and smart and who you can have an interesting conversation with, who also wants to fuck you on the first night.

And they know they will find hot and smart girls on an SD site?
Well they can read your profile. If your profile is written well and witty and your photos are hot, that’s a good start.

So how much money do you make per month?
It’s so month-to-month. But I had one arrangement that was 7.5K a month just from one guy.

Really? Do you have a huge savings?
No, I have zero savings! You think it’s so much money until you have it. I think my biggest problem was that I felt almost guilty about how much money I had, since my friends are obviously all young and poor, so I would just pay for everything. Also I had just moved to New York so I was going out every night until 4am, and basically paying for everyone. And my apartment was $2350 a month. That was part of the deal–he was married so he wanted me to have my own place and he asked that it be within four stops of Grand Central.

How long did that arrangement last?
Four months, and he told me it would last that long right from the beginning, which was cool.

So has whoredom been a pretty positive experience throughout, or has there ever been times when you felt used or in danger or whatev?
That’s so subjective, if you’re asking me that versus another sugar baby, you’re going to get very different answers. One of my closest friends signed up and was getting slimy messages and was not really into it, but it takes a lot for me to be shocked or grossed out. Also I sort of get off on the riskiness of it. I genuinely love my job.

Would there be a reason that you would say no to sleeping with a client?
No. The only time I walked out of a meeting was when an agency sent me somewhere really shady–like a drug den, and not the baller swag type of drug den.

Do you have personal rules for yourself?
Always use condoms, I always meet SDs in public before going to their houses.

What would you say is the best part of the job, besides the money?
You get to meet people outside of your social circle, which I like. And also this job has led me to discover that there is a silver lining to everyone. There are guys I go on dates with who in “real life” I wouldn’t look twice at, but when I’m forced to sit down and talk to them, I always find something endearing about their personality. Like maybe the guy know tons about the soil in Argentina and how it affects the climate… I can get down with that, I can take home some trivia.

So basically being a whore makes you rich and smart.
Totally. Or at least I know way more about the stock market than most 23-year-old girls living in Williamsburg.

Am I Normal? – Diaper Lover

Amy is a 20 year old university student from the UK. After reading my interview with the adult baby Baby Bunnykins, she sent me an email saying the following:

“You could say I’m a diaper lover–wearing a diaper during sex
really turns me on. However it annoys me that most stories about ABDLs (adult baby/diaper lovers) are about extreme, middle aged men who nearly give up their lives to live like a baby. I want the public to know ABDLs aren’t as creepy as most people perceive them. I’m relatively normal, good-looking, friendly and sweet, I swear!”

She then suggested I interview her about her fetish, to give all you wonderful Slutever readers an opposing look at the ABDL community. I replied, Yes, definitely!

So Amy, I’ve been thinking… maybe the reason most press about the ABDL community focuses on older men is because that’s when it seems the most “weird”. Maybe a girl being babied, or being submissive sexually, is not that far from off from real life?
Yeah, the schoolgirl fetish is pretty mainstream. One of my friends is into calling her boyfriend “Daddy,” and that doesn’t feel very kinky. I just hate that so many people find ABDLs creepy, because it makes me feel ashamed and put-off by my own fantasies, when really everyone’s a bit strange in their own way.

So what exactly is your fetish? I know not all DLs are adult babies too.
For me it’s nothing to do with children or wanting to be a baby. It’s about being humiliated, restrained, and pushed into dirty, embarrassing submission. It’s about someone else having full control over you to the point where they can force you to do the worst thing imaginable. And a little bit of Omorashi.

Why do you think it is that humiliation and sex are so linked? I often have fantasies about being fucked in front of an audience, and lots of my girlfriends have said the same thing.
It’s so true! I think if you enjoy being submissive, if the person dominating you is exercising their power in front of more people, it just becomes a heightened level of submission.

When did the diaper infatuation begin?
I remember liking diapers as early as 4. My sister was a baby then, and I would sneakily put on her diapers and my mom would would yell at me that I was too old. Around 13/14 my interest turned into fantasies; the idea of being in a diaper just turned me on. But I put it to the back of my mind because I didn’t know that it was “a thing”, or even possible, and I was embarrassed.
 

When was the first time you tried it IRL?
When I was 18 I brought it up with my boyfriend. We had been going out for a year and I told him there was something weird that turned me on, and then obviously he really wanted to know. Eventually I worked up the courage to tell him once after we’d been cuddling for ages, and he was like, “Well, obviously it’s a bit weird, but let’s just go try it right now!” He was very accepting. Also I think he found it sexy that I was really into something.

And then what?
We went and got some baby diapers from the supermarket, but we got child ones so they were far too small. But we just messed around for a while–mainly him putting them on me and telling me off. From there I learned more about what sort of diapers I wanted to wear and where to find them, and we got more into role playing as time went on

Was he dominant in bed anyway?
Yeah, bigtime. I couldn’t enjoy sex with someone who wasn’t.

Before the first time with your bf, was wearing diapers just a fantasy, or had you worn them alone?
Just a fantasy.

Sometime when you act out a fantasy, the reality of it isn’t as hot as it was in your head. Like I have gangbag fantasies, but I think probs if I was actually gangbanged it might be a bit “too much”. Were you afraid wearing a diaper during sex might turn out bad? Was it as hot as you expected?
With fantasy there’s always going to something that you can’t fully achieve, because in your mind you can push to infinite extremes, but it was still definitely sooo good. Wearing the diaper relaxes me quite a lot. It’s become something that turns me on more than anything else.

Do you pee in the diaper?
Well it’s always sort of been part of the fantasy, and I tried it by myself when I was alone once and I really liked it, and I then tried it with my boyfriend for the first time this summer. I had brought it up ahead of time and he liked the idea of it because it was dirty (he’s very sadistic). Then once when I was tied down to the bed while he was getting ready for work I just did it. At first I couldn’t do it with him near me–I was too nervous and it’s actually pretty hard to do, just because it’s unnatural–but now I’m getting better at it. And sometimes he’ll force me to drink water so it’s easier, or he’ll make me sit on the toilet it I can’t
go.

What about more than peeing?
I’ve never shit in one, and I wouldn’t. Well… never say never because I’d try anything once, but it’s mainly about pee for me. And if I did shit, I would have to be forced to, like a no other choice situation.

Have you told your friends about your fetish?
No, I’m so embarrassed by it. I hate diapers but I love them! Also though it’s quite nice to have something about yourself that you don’t tell people.


So you wish you weren’t into it?
Yeah, I wish I was into something more mainstream. The fear of someone finding out is such a burden.


Do you wear diapers when you masturbate?

No, it’s not a massive part of masturbation for me because I generally just use a vibrator and I can make myself come really quickly. I find it hard to make myself cum with just my hands—I have a few times but it’s just too much effort. But diaper play is generally the only thing I think about when reaching orgasm.

Do you watch porn?
I don’t generally feel the need for visual stimulation, but I do sometimes.

Can you cum solely through penetrative sex?
No.

My lesbian roommate can’t get her head around the fact that a lot of girls find it hard to cum during “standard” heterosexual sex.

I just find it very difficult though. I guess everyone is different but it annoys me
sooo much. Why is it easier for some girls? But I think you should tell your roommate that for some people, sex isn’t just about cumming. It’s really not about that for me. I just like being fucked and dominated, that’s what does it for me. I go on top sometimes, but mainly I feel out of place up there. However I’ll masturbate in front of my bf or whatever, so I do cum with him.

Do you ever fake orgasms?

No, I hate lying! I’m pretty sexually confident, but I don’t think I’m confident enough to fake it.

Do you think you could be in relationship where the other person wasn’t into diaper play, and it wasn’t a factor in sex?

No. I think if you’re going to be with someone they should be completely accepting of who you are and what turns you on. I wouldn’t have a satisfying sex life if I was with someone who didn’t like it.

TBH, talking about the fetish has made me think it’s way hotter than I did before.
Yay, that’s good!

Am I Normal? – Sexually Aloof

Q is a 23 year old grad student from California. He has a fluid sexuality, and experiences long periods of little or no sexual desire.

When was the first time you jerked off?
I didn’t masturbate until I was 14. You know that HBO show Real Sex? It was that documentary style series where they followed around, like, really old fat people at erotic day camps all massaging each other and trading spouses or whatever. So one day I was watching an episode where these hippies were praying to a crystal, and then they all started masturbating in front of each other, and I remember that was the first moment in my entire life that I thought, Wow, I can do that too! Minus the crystal.

And then you did it?
Yeah I just sat there and did it. But then I didn’t do it again for another 6 months. It wasn’t like it opened up a world of possibilities for me. I was just like… OK. Mainly I was interested in whether I could produce semen or not, because I wasn’t sure.

When did you lose your V-card?
The first person I did everything with was my high school girlfriend, Helen. She was Mormon randomly. We had sex when I was 15.

Was it good?
No it was scary and weird. We were having a sleepover at this kid Gabe’s house, who was gay by the way, and Helen and I went into another room and weirdly had sex for like 3 seconds. I don’t think I even came, I just put it in and was like “Oh my god.”

Who was your first boy crush?
My best friend Simon, starting around 13. I was so obsessed with him–probably to this day he was the greatest obsession of my life. Everyone knew, Helen too. The vibe I have now about my sexuality was still in place when I was a teenager, like I quite flippantly could have a girlfriend and have it be a real thing, but also be into a boy, and everyone accepted that about me and no one ever questioned it, and I never questioned it about myself. I wasn’t sitting alone at home being like “I think I’m gay.” I didn’t care, I was just into whoever.

So did you ever hook up?
No. He was in love with this Indian girl Asha, who had literally just moved there from India and didn’t speak English, and every night when we talked on the phone he would tell me some dumb story about this Indian girl, and then I’d be like, “OK tell me that story again, but with more detail”, and then I’d sit there listening and masturbate.

Lol. Didn’t it upset you that he was talking about a girl that he liked though?
What he was saying didn’t matter.

When was the first time you got with a guy?
My first year of college. He was just this kid in my dorm, it wasn’t very interesting. He was like the go-to alternative homosexual, who was like, into Morrissey or whatever. I went to a giant gayass college. Literally the school slogan was ‘Gay by May or your money back’. Every person you met would be like, “So my major is musical theatre with a minor in puppet making and experimental dance,” and you’d be like “Oh, cool”, and then they’d be like, “But I really miss my girlfriend back home sooo much, I don’t know how I’m going to survive without her!”, and then 6 months later you’d run into them and they’d be hosting a gay gang bang in their living room.

So were you hella gay in college?
I wasn’t very sexual in college. I was insecure because I thought, especially with boys, that I was inadequate and not desirable and not “the look” or something. Like, I essentially have the body of a stretched-out eleven year old with a drug habit. I felt like this weird thing that no normal person could find attractive. And I just wasn’t that into sex in general.

As in you didn’t enjoy the act of it?
I think sex is good and interesting, but it doesn’t motivate me, it’s not the only thing I care about. For some people it seems as if it’s the constant goal. You know they say a man thinks about sex every 7 seconds? I know that’s something you could never prove and is obviously not true, but the nature of the statement never rang true with me. I can sometimes not think about sex for a month.

What about after college?
I moved to the city, and for the first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t completely unattractive because I was getting hit on so much. My look was definitely “the look” of the moment with the downtown fashion fags. So I spent the next year getting with people a lot–mainly guys–and I was drinking more then, so I was more up for it. And then I had a weird breakdown and was like, “Why am I only hanging out with gay people and going to gay clubs?”

Why is that bad?
Well… people constantly try to define you or place you in a category: gay or straight. And obviously you can say “I’m neither” or “I’m bisexual”, but even that gets an eye roll, or it’s just another label. And gay people are worse. I felt like suddenly I was being defined by my sexuality, and I wanted to revert back to the philosophy I had for myself in high school, which was post-gay in a way, where I didn’t give much thought to it and was just myself.

So what happened after the breakdown?
I didn’t have sex for a while, and when I did it would be weird–like threesomes with boys and girls, or once I got with a female to male transsexual. The traditional binary of gender and sexual orientation had become boring to me, and nothing really felt right or satisfying, so I was searching for new combinations.

That’s hot.
I also became increasingly interested in having sex with people who looked really similar to me. I think the interesting thing about homosexuality, or at least androgyny, is that you can project what you desire. And I don’t think that’s necessarily widely lusted after, and I think a lot of gay people would really disagree and say they desire something totally different from themselves, but I really enjoyed the fact that I could style myself to be what I wanted, and I’ve really gotten off on the times that I’ve gotten with people who resemble me. And because my look is sort of boy/girl vibes, both men and women can meet the standard, it’s quite open.

Have you ever been in a relationship?
I’ve been in a couple relationships but they were pretty unconventional. One with a dude soon after college that lasted a year and was essentially non sexual. It was an emotional relationship–a negative one. When it ended I entered a long phase of celibacy. Then another with a girl a couple years ago. We were both depressed and confused about our lives and the only thing that made us feel less shit about the world was to be together. We kind of looked alike. It wasn’t necessarily exclusive, and it was more emotional than sexual, but there was some sex involved.

Why always no sex?
I think I have a hard time being with someone emotionally and physically at the same time, and I prefer those things to be separate. Maybe on some level I think sex cheapens what I have wi
th a person emotionally, or that it spoils something, even if it’s good.

How often do you have sex now?
Until 2 months ago I hadn’t had sex in over a year. I’ve come to a point where I don’t want to have sex with random people I don’t know anymore, I only want to have sex with people I like, but because I don’t need sex that much I can easily go through these long periods of not having sex at all. But then I start to get this fear of sex where it morphs into something different, where it’s actually been so long that I’m just afraid to do it and thinking about it makes me throw up.

That sounds like bad news.
When I was younger the doctor suggested I could be autistic, which I don’t necessarily think I am, but one of the reasons was that when people touched me it felt like burning. And to this day I have phantom feelings of that after sex acts, which is difficult because obviously after sex people want to be tender and loving and I’m like, “Don’t touch me”.

How many people have you had sex with?
About 40. Maybe like 10 girls, 30 guys.

What do you think about when you masturbate?
I don’t masturbate that often. When I do I generally think about being filmed. It’s a pretty self obsessed fantasy because I’m not thinking about anyone else but myself.

Are your parents accepting of your sexual aloofness?
I don’t really talk to them about it. My mom is semi aware because she walked in on me having sex with her friend’s son on Christmas Eve when I was like 18. It wasn’t a total surprise though. When I was younger I would always rent movies with prevalent gay themes, and I tried to put on an amateur production of The Vagina Monologues when I was 13. Like, red flags in the house. But her walking in on me and that loser kid was confirmation in her mind. Afterward she asked me if I was gay, and I was like, “I just kind of do what I want”. I was very blase. And she started crying and was like, “I just want to know what you are!” and I was like, “Ugh you’re so embarrassing! I am who I am,” to paraphrase Ke$ha.

Do you think you’ll ever be in a “normal” relationship?
I’ve considered that the perfect relationship for me would be a three-way relationship, so the other 2 could take care of each other when I couldn’t be bothered, and there would be enough variety so I wouldn’t get bored.

I guess it’s just about finding what’s right for you. That situation would cause jealousy for a lot of people.
I just don’t think relationships have to be as conventional as they are. I realize there is a standard and a normality in monogamous one-person one-person relationships, but I think it’s settling for terms that have already been laid out for us, that we as people might not agree with, or might individually have the right to say ‘this isn’t the life for me’. And I’m not necessarily interested in the other standard of relationships in the homosexual world, by which gay couples are emotionally monogamous but are open with sex, because I don’t need that sort of vacant sex badly enough. I guess I’m interested in finding new concepts of realty.

Am I Normal? – Sexually Confused

Photos by Brett Lloyd

M is a 24 year old nurse from NYC. She has struggled with her sexual identity since she was 14.

When was your first sexual experience?

When I was 14 I did everything besides have penetrative sex with a guy 2 years older than me. He was the first guy who showed an interest in me that wasn’t childish, and who avidly pursued me. We hooked up at my house when my parents were away.

Was it hot?
I was kind of grossed out actually. But “hooking up” was all anybody ever talked about in high school, and my friends and I started doing that stuff around the same time, so it almost felt like we were just checking off a list. I was happy after I did it because it meant I could join in on the sex conversations. But I didn’t have the urge to do it again for a while, and I definitely knew I didn’t want a boyfriend.

How come?
I didn’t feel a connection with any boys, and always invested more emotional energy into my girlfriends. I would fool around with guys because I was drunk or liked the attention, and in high school I was very insecure so if someone gave me attention I would reciprocate. Some of my friends would then turn that kind of attention into a relationship, but I didn’t feel the need to take it that far.

So did you think you could potentially be more into girls?
No, I thought that once I got out of such a childish environment that a relationship with a guy would just click for me, as opposed to all the stupid bullshit that happened in high school. Any attraction I had to girls was repressed.

When did you lose your virginity?
It was 2 weeks after I got to college, when I was 18. The guy was one of the first friends I made there, but we stopped being friends right afterward because I didn’t want to be around him anymore.

Why him?
We were drunk in his dorm room and it just kind of happened. It wasn’t a monumental moment for me. But he started doing things to me and I figured having sex was less personal than having to give him a blow-job or make out with him for an extended period of time. I figured sex was easier.

When was your first enjoyable sexual experience?
In college there weren’t many. My relationship with sex was unhealthy–I would have sex with guys because sometimes in party or drunken situations it seemed easier to just do it than make up an excuse as to why I didn’t want to. Like, “Oh hi I’m in your room now and no one else is left at this party… am I going to commit social suicide by awkwardly bailing or am I just going to suck your dick?”

Lol.
But ultimately I was totally grossed out by penises. Like 90% of penises make me want to die. I mean sure, I’ve been around a good dick before and have actively wanted to give a blow job, but it’s not the norm.

So if you hated dick why didn’t you explore some vagina?
I never thought I was gay, I still thought that one day it would click with the right guy. Then there was Mark–he was cute, funny, and we got along really well. We kept in touch while he was abroad, and in my mind I thought when he got back we were going to date, and he was all for it, but as soon as we hooked up again I was done. I knew that if something was going to click it would have been with him, and I finally admitted to myself that there wasn’t something wrong with every guy, that actually it was me.


When did you first get with a girl?
It was about a year ago, with my close friend Lindsay. We would kiss when we were wasted, and we were basically doing all the things that would make me feel suffocated if she were a boy. I just felt better with her. But she was sick of me being so closety, and I think she wanted to break me out of it, then one night it just happened. It was the first time with a girl for both of us.

Was it good?
Yeah. It was the first time I woke up with someone in my bed and wasn’t like ‘Eww, get the fuck away from me.’

So was that your first step toward a healthy sex life?
Well, I’ve always been self sabotaging. I’ve always slept with guys who are in relationships or who just got out of one, because I know nothing is going to happen, so I’m safe. This is why I’ve never dated anyone. But it was the same with Lindsay really because ultimately she identifies as straight and I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I’ve slept with two girls and they’ve both been straight friends. I guess I’m afraid if I hook up with a lesbian or someone “available” I’m going to get that same suffocated feeling.

How do you identify sexually now?
I guess I would have to say bisexual because I just has sex with a boy last weekend. But leaning toward lesbian. Actually, you might want to shift over because you might be sitting on a cum stain. I haven’t cleaned my sheets yet.

I’m OK with that. So why do you still have sex with guys?
It’s just easier. Maybe I’ve conditioned myself to act a certain way to attract men. I don’t go out of my way to have sex with guys, but if I’m drunk and the opportunity presents itself with someone I’m kind aesthetically pleased by, I’m like whatever.

Can you cum when you’re drunk though? My vagina turns off after like three drinks.
I’ve only ever had sex when I’ve been drunk, and I’ve never fully cum with someone else, so I can’t compare. Sometimes it feels really good, but I never get that last push. I guess sober sex would feel better, but when I’m sober I don’t seek it out. Also, having sex drunk makes it easier to  say, “Oh, I was wasted, I wouldn’t have done that if I was in my right mind.”

Do you fake orgasms?
Sometimes I do if I can tell a guy isn’t going to stop until he thinks I’ve cum. But if he’s clearly not trying to please me then I don’t care about making him feel like he did something special.

How many guys have you slept with?
15, and I’ve enjoyed about 2. But I’ve had less sex recently because random sex doesn’t make me feel good. It did in college when I was insecure and I needed validation that I was hot, but now I don’t care if people think I’m hot or not.

How often do you masturbate and what do you think about?
About every other day. Normally I watch porn, because I can’t make myself cum with my hand and just my imagination. Is that weird? I guess I’m not really turned on by most of the sexual experiences I’ve had, and I feel guilty thinking about what would actually make me cum. That’s why I watch porn–because I don’t have to think about myself in a sexual situation. Although if I’m using a vibrator I don’t need any kind of visual stimulation; it does all the work.

What kind of porn do you like?
I watch two guys sometimes. I’m the least turned on by lesbian porn because girls overact too much. Although I’m really into watching Faye Reagan have sex with her girlfriend Georgia Jones.

OMG I love Faye Reagan! Do you think they’re dating for real though?
I think so, yeah. Either that or it’s an amazing publicity stunt that makes me cum a lot, so I’m not going to question it.

Lol. So do you think there will be a time when you’ll “come out”?
For me, I think it’s more beneficial to recognize some of the unhealthy sexual habits I have and change them than it is to chalk it all up to being gay. And I’m worried people will treat me differently. Not in a judgmental way—most of my friends are gay men. I just don’t want to be put in a box like, “Oh, she s gay.” Because like, am I? I don’t even know.

Am I Normal? – 28 yr old Virgin

Photos by Sibylle Bergemann

S is a 31 year old high school teacher from Chicago. She masturbated for the first time at 25, and lost her virginity at 28. 

When was your first sexual experience?
When I was 21 I got stoned in my college dorm room with a friend, and we got into my bed and he fingered me. That was the first time I did anything more than making out. I remember thinking, “Oh my god, I can’t wait to tell my friends back home that I finally FGF’d!”, which was their code for Fucking Good Fingering.

What about the horny teen years?
Sex just wasn’t something I cared about. In high school my friends’ primary life goals were to get with a guy, but I was never in that frame of mind. There was definitely a long period of time where I wondered what was wrong with me, and realized it was potentially an issue.

What do you mean, ‘something wrong’?
Well around 19 I went through a year of wondering if I was gay because of it—that maybe not wanting to have sex with boys meant somewhere deep down in my subconscious I wanted to have sex with girls. But I wasn’t turned on by girls. I just wasn’t turned on by anything, which is really crazy because now I’m turned on by anything.

So what was going on in your early to mid 20s?
Well it’s a vicious cycle, because the longer you wait the more of a big deal it becomes. If I’d done it when I was 15 in the back of a car with some random guy, I’d just think it was funny, but by the time you’re 22 your like, “Shit, if I’ve waited this
long I don’t want to waste it on some weirdo that I don’t even like.” Then when I was 23 I read Andy Warhol’s, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol: From A to B and Back Again. In each chapter he talks about a different topic—fame, money sex, love, etc. And he discussed how overrated sex is, and how people should wait to have sex until they’re forty otherwise they’re bored of it by the time they’re middle aged. He talks about sex not being the most important thing in the world, and for the first time I felt more at ease about my virginity.

When was the first time you masturbated?
When I was 25.

That’s insane.
I know, right? The thought of my own vagina just scared me. And also, I don’t know if this sounds weird, but I was never attracted to my own body, so I didn’t find myself sexy enough to want to touch myself. And when I finally did it I didn’t know how to do it properly. I was just sticking my fingers in and wasn’t touching the right parts, and I couldn’t concentrate and was just like, “This is shit.”

So you didn’t cum?
No, I didn’t cum until I was 26. Before then I’d always touched myself lying on my back, but this time I was on my stomach with my hand was underneath me, and I guess the pressure was more on my clit.

Natalie-Portman-in-Black-Swan style? I didn’t know that was a real thing.

It is. Weirdly my friend called me when I was in the middle of masturbating, but for some reason I still picked up the phone, and then suddenly I just came. I remember being like, “Whoooa, I get it now! That was amazing! When am I going to get to do that with someone else!?” I think it was the first time I truly understood why people have sex.

Wait, did your friend on the phone hear you??
No he just carried on talking and I shoved my face into my pillow. It was really bizarre because he was drunk and babbling and I was basically paralyzed.


So when did you finally have sex?
When I was 28 I started dating this guy I worked with. We’d been making out for a month, and then for my birthday he took me on a surprise trip to Mexico. When we got there we took a taxi up a mountain to this amazing castle, and as we were driving through the giant silver gates I was like, “Oh shit, I blatantly have
to have sex with him now.” So we had this amazing dinner and then went back to the hotel and took a candlelit bath, and I gave him a blow job—my first ever BJ—and then we had really filthy sex all night. It was only afterward that I told him it was my first time, but I think he sort of knew anyway.

So you basically lost your V-card the way every tween girl dreams of losing hers, only ten years later?
Right, exactly. So cheesy.

So did you become more sexual after that?
Yeah, we dated for a year and had sex all the time, but I never had an orgasm with him. Here’s the weird thing: I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm during sex. My most recent boyfriend, Tom, was the only person who has ever given me an orgasm. He loved going down on me and I always came, and he was really into it which made it so much more amazing for me. Sometimes I’d be watching TV and he’d just rip my pants off and start going down on me. I was scared when we broke up because I was afraid no one else would ever be able to give me an orgasm. Actually, no one has, but it hasn’t been very long.

Head is key, because I think it’s difficult for a lot of girls to cum solely though penetrative sex.
Yeah, can guys give you an orgasm with their dicks alone? I don’t think they can. Because the dick doesn’t get to the clit part.

Tell me about it. How often do you masturbate now?
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I touched myself. This past 6 months I’ve been completely non-interested, except when I’m mid-period, when I get really horny, but it’s obviously a bad time to try and get laid.


What do you think about when you masturbate?

It alternates. Sometimes I think about some of the hotter sex I’ve had, and I think about girls with girls quite a lot actually. I generally prefer lesbian porn. Macho, masculine porn gets boring.

What are your porn preferences?
I’m never that turned on by hardcore porn. Like seeing a girl with jizz all over her face is so whatever to me. I remember watching the movie Emmanuelle
as a kid, which isn’t even porn, it’s super softcore and delicate, but it really turned me on. And I like some 70s porn where the girls are hairy and weird looking, rather than modern day Hollywood porn with boob jobs and scary tans. For me porn is all about the girl. It’s almost as if the guy just serves as a function—the perpetrator.

How many guys have you slept with in total?
12, all in the past 3 years.


Have you ever faked an orgasm?

A couple of times, because sometimes the guy won’t stop otherwise. But generally I don’t.

What’s your ultimate fantasy?
Honestly I have a bit of a rape fantasy. Not that I actually want that, but… The first time I had sex with Tom we were in the bathroom at a house party and he just slammed the door shut, grabbed me and lifted me up onto the sink and started kissing me and ripping my clothes off. I didn’t have any control over the situation and it was really hot. He was basically just like, I’m going to fuck you and you can’t do anything about it. Man… I kind of want to have sex now.

Ditto.