Ask Slutever

Pube undies by Marianne Murray (and btw she made these before the whole American Apparel pube mannequin thing)

I have a female friend who I’m at art school with, and she recently started texting me erotic photos and porn, and then last night she texted me asking me to fuck her. I was shocked! I said I couldn’t, but then she responded saying the sex would be incredibly hot and different. I’m confused actually, because I don’t really like her and I wholeheartedly don’t want to have sex, however I know that will make her sad. By the way I’m 26, she’s 21, but I prefer women older than her, like 35-45. What should I do?? Zach

As a general rule, if someone tries to have sex with you, you should have sex with them back–it’s only polite. However, if you wholeheartedly don’t want to, or you have to be somewhere else because of an emergency, etc, then there are methods of getting out of it. For example, why don’t you text her saying, “Hey, no hard feelings but I think we’re better as friends… but maybe you could introduce me to your mother?” Alternatively, if that seems too difficult or insensitive, you could use my preferred method, and the next time she contacts you for sex just say, “Oh shit sorry, I can’t hang tonight, I have a birthday party to go to.” And then the next time she sends you a sexy text, you make a similar excuse, and if all goes to plan she will eventually just gets the hint and stop sexting, allowing you to ease with only mild awkwardness back into the friend zone, after which you can both pretend like the whole thing never happened, even though you’ll both always remember that it did, and it will probably be somewhere in the back of your minds every time you speak to each other from now until eternity.

I’m a 19 year old French girl, and I’m wondering: Do you ever feel bad after a one night stand? I’ve had a few in the past couple months and I just hate the feeling afterwards, like the guys didn’t take my number and it made me feel like an “easy girl.” It’s not like I expect guys to fall in love with me just because we have sex, lol, but I still feel disappointed afterwards, like I’m not “the one.” You might think, “You’re just not cut out for one night stands,” however when I’m in the moment I feel good, and very sure of myself. The weirdness and regret only come the day after. How do I cope with that? Also, do you think you have to to wait to have sex to form a lasting relationship? AnnaMaria

Well, I have a few ideas about this. First of all, most people have experienced feeling not-the-best after a one night stand, because things that seem like good ideas in the early hours of the morning often reveal themselves to be unnecessary acts of stupidity and desperation the following day (especially when you’re riding the subway home in painful high-heels, covered in the bodily secretions of a mediocre stranger). So you’re not totally alone there. However, this is 2014: you don’t have to wait for a guy to ask you for your number! Especially if he’s already been inside you, for pete’s sake. Have you ever considered that after you parted ways, your one-night-stands might be wondering why you didn’t ask for their info? The morning after a random hook-up is a vulnerable moment for both parties, so you can’t put all the responsibly on the guy. However, it’s also important to consider: Did you really want to see those guys again, or did you just want them to want to see you, for the sake of your own ego?

I generally think that regret is counter-productive, because there’s no use wasting time feeling sorry for yourself about a past decision that you can’t change. Deal with it, it’s been done, move on with your life. However, when regret is useful is when you find yourself continuously regretting the same behavior, because then regret becomes a warning sign that you need to change something. I’m not suggesting that you’re not cut out for causal sex all together, but it does seem like the way you’re engaging in casual sex isn’t working out for you, and something needs to be adjusted.

Casual sex has the power to make you feel totally amazing and satisfied, but it can also make you feel like a piece of shit. The difference in results usually has to do with the person’s motivation–i.e., are you having casual sex for the “right reasons” or the “wrong reasons”? You know it’s a “right reason” when your decision to have sex is very clear and autonomous. For example: you (soberly) find someone attractive and interesting and want them inside you; you’re curious and want to explore your sexuality, and think anonymous sex is an important experience to have; or, you’re horny and want to experience something new and different. Now, here’s some “wrongs reasons”: peer pressure; because you’re drunk; pressure from a guy; or, because you’re secretly hoping that the sex will lead to something more serious, while pretending to yourself and your partner that the encounter is purely physical and fun. And judging by your question, I think that last “wrong reason” might be the case for you.

I don’t think you have to wait to have sex to form a lasting relationship. However, I also think that drunkenly fucking guys and then not making an effort to get their phone number is not the best way to get a boyfriend. Your behavior is making you feel bad so you should try something different and see if it makes you feel good! Go out with someone from OKCupid, don’t blackout, wait a few dates to have sex, and who knows… maybe something ~magical~ will happen, lol.

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a couple months and I’m happy about the relationship, however when it comes to sex… well I’m kinda new at these things. He does everything perfectly to me and I’m satisfied, but I have no idea how to please him. I’m scared that if I suck his dick, for example, I’ll look like a complete slut, and I don’t want that! What should I do? Quinn

OK what? On one hand, it’s nice to know that people like you can still exist in the modern world. However on the other hand I feel scared about your cluelessness and think you need to watch some porn right now. I guarantee your boyfriend watches porn–or at least he has in his lifetime a considerable amount of times–so this will give you some insight into what’s going on in his mind when he jerks-off and/or thinks about sex. After you’ve watched a woman with bad plastic surgery being anally gang-banged and then bukakke’d by a group of prison inmates, you’ll understand why the image of your girlfriend giving you a blow-job could never be seen as slutty, but only as a gesture of true affection and intimacy (even if you’re making porn-face). While pornography is pretty well known to misinform men as to how to please a woman (i.e. “the easiest way to make a girl cum is to bend her over, smack various parts of her body with your hands and then vaginally spear her without foreplay”), porn can still be a good source of basic information–i.e. what goes where, possibilities of positions, etc–and it will likely inspire you with some sexy ideas.

If after that you’re still paralyzed in bed, why don’t you just ask your boyfriend, “What do you like?” or “How can I please you?” Sometimes the hardest-seeming problems have the simplest solutions! Of course, when asking questions like these, delivery is important. Try not to scream the question or to sound overly panicked. Rather, if you make your voice sound all breathy and comforting, like Scarlett Johansson’s voice-over in Her, I’m almost positive you’ll get the response you’re looking for.

P.S. I originally wrote this post for Vice

Ask Slutever: How Does One Lesbian?

Pic from the new erotic publication Fetishisms Manifesto Vol 1 

I’m 21, living in Wellington New Zealand, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m actually a lesbian. So… how does one go about lesbianing? I’ve told my friends about my lesbianonic intentions, and honestly everyone gives like zero fucks and is like “grrrl, go get that pussy,” but how do I actually embark on that? I want to bone someone who looks like they could be in Haim, or like Jemima Kirke and/or Krysten Ritter. Personally I’m average build with big boobs, I suppose I’m “medium girly,” and I mostly dress like a hipster librarian, but when I go out I take the Joan Holloway vintage dress route. I don’t know any lesbians to give me a lesbian makeover, à la Slutever on Vice, and subsequently don’t know where to start. Help! Vaj Confusion

First of all, congratulations! Right now is such a glamorous time to be a lesbo. Your style sounds amazing and I certainly don’t think you need a makeover. I know on the “Grey Area” episode of my VICE show I got a lez makeover, because I wanted to look more gay to increase my chances of getting with a femme lesbian. I think often, when we think of lesbian couples, we think of them having a “masculine”/feminine dynamic, the same way that straight couples do–aka you have the more girly partner, and then you have the more tomboyish or androgynous or butch partner. But this, of course, is not always true. The lesbian writer Amy Coopes had something great to say about this, in an article she published debunking “urban legends about dykes.” I’ll share what she said with you:


Unable to process anything outside of the ‘me Tarzan, you Jane’ gender binary, many straight folks (and some queers too, mind) find it hard to comprehend a relationship that doesn’t have a masculine-feminine dynamic. I’m not talking about Judith Butler’s gender-as-performance or butch-femme roleplay – I mean the flat-out misapprehension that a legitimate relationship has to have someone in a male role. If I had a dollar for every person who, usually in drunken conspiratorial tones, asked me who was ‘the man’ in my relationship I’d be wealthy enough to pay La Butler to accompany me to parties and bitchslap some sense into people. Gender is not innate, it’s fluid, and it shifts from relationship to relationship and even within the same relationship over time. When people (usually dudes) ask who the man is, they are either wondering who takes charge or, more often, they’re wondering what you do under the covers. Memo guys: it’s none of your business.    

However… I will say that in my own personal experience with girl-on-girl hook ups, and from having hung out in lesbian scenes in NYC and London, I’ve found that style and appearance does play a role, in a different and perhaps more significant way than it does in heterosexual hook-ups. Now, I’m going to try to explain that in a way that avoids making any offensive blanket statements, but I understand that I’m about to step onto treacherous ground, mined with stereotypes…

First, I’ll give you a personal example: In my current relationship, I do feel like “the girl”–aka I wear dresses and makeup and order salads at restaurants and cry about my feelings. And my girlfriend, who’s an androgynous/tomboy type, definitely likes to be “the boy” in a lot of ways, for example she wears mens clothing and boxers, she pulls out chairs for me and stuff (for realz!) and when we have sex she’s dominant, she penetrates me far more often than I do her, and when we occasionally decide to use a strap-on she’s the one who wears it. This, of course, is just my own personal relationship experience, and is in no way “the right way” or “the only way” do things in a lez couple, but I’m trying to illustrate that our dynamic, or one similar to ours, is fairly common in lesbian couples. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy all the girly things about my girlfriend (obviously, or I’d just be dating a dude). I love her boobs and going down on her, and the fact that we can go bra shopping together, and that we can share yeast infection medication and lots of other sexy romantic stuff like that. But I also do enjoy that within our relationship I still get to play a very feminine role.

I’ll give you another example: I have a female friend here in New York who’s into girls, and she looks very feminine, and she’s constantly complaining that she finds it hard to get the types of girls she likes. She says that in New York the butch/femme dynamic prevails, making her an anomaly. She’s always saying, “Do I seriously have to put on a fucking denim vest and wash off my lipstick in order to get a bombshell to fuck me?!” And for a while she actually tried it–the whole denim vest and no lipstick thing–but eventually she was like, “Eww, I fucking hate denim vests, fuck this, I’m moving to LA.”

Apparently, so I’ve heard through the lesbian grapevine, Los Angeles is a magical place where all the lesbians are lipstick lesbians and love it, and girly-girls bone girly-girls all day long. Considering that I don’t even know what the lesbian scene is like in Wellington, I may have just gone off on an irrelevant tangent, sorry! However, I do find the dynamic of lesbian relationships to be interesting, and it’s something I’ve wanted to write about on this blog for a while. And you did ask me a question about style. And so now I have something else to say about style, because I do think your style will affect your new gay dating life in yet another way, different to the one I already mentioned. OK, so:

You are a lesbian who effectively dresses like a “straight girl.” When you are out in the world, the average passerby or person you meet in a bar will most likely process you as a straight women, because you dress femininely, and because that’s just how our hetero-normative world functions. However, that means that other lesbians–feminine or otherwise–may not know you’re a lesbian, and therefore may be less likely to hit on you. Historically, this is why people of various subcultures have chosen to dress in a way that clearly labels them as such–it’s a way of advertising to other people within that subculture, “Hey, look at me, I’m like you!” There’s a reason leather daddies where leather and why a lot of lesbians have short hair, and why girls who wanna get boned go out wearing vagina-length skirts–the way we dress is a way of advertising who we are and what we want to the rest of the world, and every time we get dressed we are selling ourselves. (I talked about this once before in an article for Vogue if you want to check that out.)

Basically, you’re a lot like me. We’re both the type of girl who wants to fuck other girls, but who isn’t manifesting that desire physically, through our style, in the most obvious way. And what that means is that we have to be a little bit more aggressive about that desire in other ways. For example, you should definitely start hanging out at lesbian and gay bars and events. That is certainly the easiest first step. And when you’re there, you should be assertive–be the one to start conversations, dance with people, give sexy eyes, whatever. Because remember, even if you’re at a gay night, if you’re in a dress and makeup, people might just think you’re a fag hag. But don’t fret, you can flirt your way out of that one! And why not join OKCupid or another dating site as a lesbian? No harm or shame in that. And also, don’t be afraid of hitting on straight girls, because they can be turned very easily :)

Oh, and if you’re asking me how to hit on or actually have sex with girls, well… that’s a whole other story. But the advantage here is that you are a girl. Treat other girls how you would want to be treated–be sweet, charming and complimentary. Girl-on-girl sex is weird (but also very exciting) because it can be done in like a million different ways, but discovering that, and finding out what works for you and your parter, is a huge part of the fun, so I’ll let you handle that bit on your own.

Ask Slutever

Photo by Terry Richardson <3
Hi, I’ve been a huge fan of your blogs and you as a teenage boy growing up that has never been laid before (sadly, it’s true). I learn a lot from your videos and blog posts. Can you tell me more about how it feels like to have sex for the first time? Thank you! Ken

Strong question Ken. Having sex for the first time can feel a variety of a different ways, though it can usually be summarized as one of the following: painful, terrifying, anticlimactic, freeing, overwhelming, or just like nothing at all. For me, it felt like nothing at all. 

I lost my virginity in high school, and because my boyfriend at the time and I had decided a couple weeks in advance that we were going to have sex, we had some time to prepare. Part of the prep involved him fingering me a lot in order to stretch out my vaj, so that the “first time” wouldn’t hurt. In hindsight that sounds really clinical and un-sexy, but back then it just felt clever. Although to be honest we may have been a bit excessive with the stretching, because when he finally put his dick inside me I couldn’t even feel it. Although actually, that occasionally still happens to me during sex now. Maybe I just have a wide-set vagina? Unfortunately, I don’t know what it feels like for a boy to have sex for the first time. I imagine it feels like the inside of a plastic bag, inside of a warm, moist cave. And like becoming a man.

When you’re a virgin, your “first time” seems like the biggest deal ever, and the anticipation of it consumes your life. This is why I usually advise people to just lose their V-card at the soonest non-awful opportunity possible, this way they can move on with their lives and start worrying about something more important, like clothes or blogging or politics. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. After 5 months of long distance, I recently moved across the world to live with him. However, since the move our pre-existing problems have intensified. I cheated on him twice in a week (only kissing), after which I knew I had to break up with him. He responded saying that I owed the relationship another chance, because I hadn’t communicated my problems to him prior to the break-up. I agreed, and we’re still together now, although I have moved out, and the relationship is actually better than ever. The problem is that I have all these thoughts about being desired by other men and having sex with other people, and when I get drunk these ideas become more powerful and less reasonable. I’m 23–aren’t these the years I’m supposed to be slutting around? I feel like I’m not fulfilling my slutty potential. On the other hand, I’m really enjoying being with my boyfriend right now. Advice please!

Jesus, I wish I had the answer to this. This has been a primary main problem in my life for the past decade: I want the romantic comfort of being in a relationship, but I also want to sleep with literally everyone. Thus is the slut’s dilemma. Unfortunately, we can’t have our cake and eat it too, as I recently discussed in an article for Vogue about open-relationships. I would suggest an open-relationship for you, but since you’ve been monogamous for so long that would most likely be a difficult step backward. Also, if there’s one thing being “open” has taught me, it’s that there is such a thing as having too much cake, and that maybe it’s actually better not to be able to eat your cake, rather than to eat too much cake, because cake is really fattening.

Anywayz… it’s normal that you want to fuck and be desired by other men. The fact that you just moved to a new city is probably not helping either, because you’re surrounded by a whole new crop of hotties/potential hook-ups. We all want to be desired–it makes us feel confident and powerful–but being desired and sleeping around are not one in the same. Restraint is extremely desirable. Knowing that someone wants you, but denying them sex, is probably more of an ego boost than a sloppy one-night-stand in the long run.

What I’m learning as I grow-up is how valuable and important it is to be in control. Having sex with lots of people is cool, so long as that’s what you want, and what makes you feel good. Having sex with lots of people while you have a boyfriend, feeling uneasy about it, doing things you regret, and hurting the people you care about in the process, however, is not so cool. See what I’m saying? Having control is not about being a prude, it’s about knowing what you want and how to get it.

So, my suggestion for you is to try to rein in the slut-works for a bit, and make an effort to save your relationship. You guys lasted five months of long distance, you moved across the world for this guy–those are big things! He must really mean a lot to you, and to throw that away because you’re having a moment of intense hornyness might be something you regret later on. Believe me, 23 is will not mark the end of your desirable ho years. 

My advice is to take a few weeks where you really focus on your relationship. Make an effort: go on dinner dates, have amazing sex, go out of your way to do nice things for your bf, and see how that makes you feel, and what you get out of it. But don’t do it half-hearted and make-out with other guys in the process, because that will contaminate the experiment and make the results all fucked-up and impure. Then, after a few weeks, see where you stand. If you still want to break-up, then do it and go crazy.

Ask Slutever

Dear Slutever, My ex and I managed to stay friends after our rocky relationship and even rockier breakup, and have been sexting for about a year now, despite him having been been in a new relationship for a year and a half. I get that it’s wrong or whatever, but how do I get him to fuck me? I really miss our great physical chemistry, but he’s very unwilling to take the next step in our little tryst because he’s a nice guy and thinks he’s in love. Sincerely, Morally Corrupt and Horny

OK, you need to move on. It’s not a good look to be a desperate ho, stalking your ex because you can’t find anyone new to distract yourself with. You ex moved on, so should you. He’s not in love with you anymore, hence him being “very unwilling” to have sex with you, and being in love with someone else. It makes you look traj to keep trying. If you keep on like this you’re going to end up like Charlize Theron’s character in Young Adult, drunk and depressed at 37, unsuccessfully trying to make out with your high school boyfriend at his kid’s birthday party, while his wife is in the other room.

And anyway, what is getting him to fuck you going to achieve, other than emotional pain for everyone? Are you the type of person who craves drama 24/7? You had a rocky relationship and rockier break-up with him, and now you’re going back for more? Why? Do the world a favor and don’t pull your ex and his new love into your drama cyclone. Here’s a general life tip: Being a bad person doesn’t make you feel good, it makes you feel bad–duh.

Sometimes when we’re bored and not in-crush with anyone, we get confused and feel like we still want to be with the most recent person we shared intimacy with. It happens to the best of us. But think back–you and your ex-boyfriend aren’t together for a reason. Try to remember what that reason (or reasons, more likely) is. And then join Tinder or something. 

So a few months ago I slept with a bunch of guys, including some of my male friends, all within the same short period. I don’t even know why, I guess I was just having a slutty week or something. But now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass because everyone (obviously) has found out and thinks I’ll just fuck anything. I feel super gross, and I know it’s just because of a stupid double standard, but it still sucks. And the worst part is, I actually LIKED one of the guys, but I don’t think he wants anything with me, probably because he’s lost all respect for me and/or thinks that I just boned him like I boned everyone else :( I feel like shit about myself and I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be like a guy and be proud of my sexual conquests?!?! Amanda

You know me–I’m all for being a liberated sexual butterfly. Being a slut is very trendy these days! But like anything, there’s a right way and a not-so-right-way to go about being a slut. Unfortunately, we can’t just sleep with whoever we want whenever we want 24/7, and expect that it won’t have an effect on ourselves and the people around us. In Buddhism they follow something called The Five Precepts, which is basically a five-point moral code to live by. One of the points translates to: “Do not misuse sex.” Damn, those Buddhists are wise.

I had to learn the hard way that sex is a tool–a very powerful tool–that can be use a right way and a wrong way, to help you or to hurt you, for good or for evil. That probably sounds over-dramatic, but it’s true. Sex can create amazing bonds between people, it can make you happy or sad, it can advance your career (no qualms about that over here!), it can make you money, it can have profound effects on your confidence, and it can be a weapon. It can even destroy presidencies! That’s not a double standard, those are just the facts of life.

When I was in my early twenties, I made the mistake of sleeping with a lot of people within the same friend ground. I remember being at a concert one night and standing with about 10 of my friends, and looking around the circle and realizing that I’d slept with every single one of them, male and female. And at the time I found it sort of funny, but mainly I just felt traj, because it occurred to me that none of my sexual encounters with any of those people were particularly memorable, and that actually, I hadn’t gotten anything valuable out of them…. other than maybe an orgasm (but probably not even that). In the end the sexual experiences hadn’t been worth it, and I wished I could take them back.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I think it’s totally fine to act ho-ish on occasion, to sleep with someone on a first date, to fuck a stranger in the bathroom of a bar, etc. But part of the thrill of that type of behavior is that it feels illicit and mysterious. It’s way sexier to be calculated, selective and discreet about your sex life, than it is to be sloppy and flagrant about it. (And I realize that may sound weird coming from me, a sex blogger, but there are some things I don’t tell you guys about…) 

So, to keep an emotional mishap like this from happening again, from now on there are a few key slut rules that you (and all of us) should follow. For example: don’t sleep with a friend’s boyfriend; don’t sleep with a friend’s serious ex; don’t sleep with someone you plan on having an ongoing professional relationship with (often a hard one!); don’t sleep with close friends (unless you don’t mind that the dynamic of your friendship with most likely change after sex); and… don’t sleep with a bunch of people within the same friend group, because then you just become the been-there-done-that girl, and that’s not hot. And honestly, I don’t even think that’s a double standard. If one of my guy friends had slept with the majority of my female friends, I would find it sort of weird. It’s just not a very classy thing to do, ya know? There’s enough people in the world and online that we shouldn’t have to sleep with our BFFs. Thank god.

So, how do you get in with the guy you actually like? Well, the guys you fucked are most likely going to approach you for sex again. Since they probably think you’re easy, they’ll want you as a casual fuck. However, from now on you have to deny them sex, which will give you back the power. After you’ve denied a few of them, and waited a while for the smoke from your sex rampage to blow over, then you should make a move on your crush.

The moral of the story is: fuck wisely.

Ask Slutever

Photo by Stacey Mark

Dear Slutever, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and all of a sudden he’s so weird about sex. It used to be SO good, but for the past few months he insists on the light being off and acts like it’s a damn race or something. It’s definitely not a “me” thing, because if anything I lost a bunch of weight and look better than he’s ever seen me. He also used to be pretty dominant, and although it was my first time being submissive, I was really into it. I’m good at adapting to whatever the person I’m fucking is into, but he always thought I was “just doing it for him.” Now he’s being all unsexy about sex, and it’s annoying. Any advice? Kim

Have you checked your roots? Maybe your roots need to be redyed. Nothing is less sexy than overgrown roots. NEXT QUESTION.

Just kidding. Hmm… this may sound fucked, but maybe your boyfriend is a weird power-hungry sadist, and now that you’ve lost weight and feel more confident than ever, he doesn’t feel the same mental and sexual power over you that he once did. Sexual power play is weird, because even though it’s the dominant sexual partner who’s supposedly in the position of power, we all know it’s really the sub who has control, because the sub has to willingly grant to the dominant partner power over them, in order for the play to ensue. (Sshhh!) Maybe you should go out of your way to make your boyfriend feel sexually confident–let him know how much it turns you on when he’s Domming you. Make up some sexy dream you had where he tied you up and choked you and raped you or some shit. Sometimes you have to feed men compliments (aka lies) in order to get them to fuck you the way you want.

I’m a 20 year old virgin and don’t want to be anymore because I’m horny as fuck. I have one thing getting in my way: I get so nervous that I always turn people down even if I’m really attracted to them, and if I really like a guy I pretty much turn into a clam and can’t even speak. Can you please give me some advice on how to gain more confidence, because my life is turning to shit. xo Rose

Rose, meet my lover of 15 years, vodka soda. Drinking a couple vodka sodas will make you more confident, less anxious and clam-like, and it’s low carb too, yay! Wait, you’re 20 years old… that advice is illegal. NEXT QUESTION.

No but seriously, not to get all yoga-guru on you, but maybe you should try to figure out the source of your anxiety, in order to combat it–why, deep down, does the thought of sex make you turn into a clam? Is it because you’re scared of rejection? Is it a general fear of the unknown? Fear of intimacy? Are you scared you’ll mess up? If it’s the rejection part, you just need to get over it, because literally, who cares? We all have to deal with sexual rejection in our lives–frequently, actually–so you might as well get used to it now. Think of it this way: at any given moment in time there are like 5 million other people in the world being rejected by someone they like, so you’re not alone. If it’s the intimacy part that scares you, well, I hate to break it to you but sex isn’t actually that intimate a lot of the time, especially if there is the aforementioned illegal vodka sodas involved, so don’t stress about that too much. And in regards to messing up, well, you have less to worry about in this department than the guys do. Of course it’s possible for women to be “bad in bed,” but there’s not very much we can do to fuck sex up to the point that we render it incapable of happening–only guys can do that. I mean, a hole is a hole is a hole, right?

The moral of the story is, you just need to face your fear and get your virginity out of the way so that you can stop freaking out and start having fun. After your first time you’ll be able to chill–sex will stop being this dark, menacing cloud hanging over your vagina, and just become a thing that you casually do once in awhile (mostly when drunk).

I’ve been sexting this guy who I really like, but who lives in a different city. He told me he’d want me be his gf if we lived in the same town. He sent me a picture of his dick and said ‘I love when you suck me.’ Does that have any relation to his feelings for me, or am I just reading too much into the word ‘love’? Does he just love it when I suck his dick, or does it mean something more? Annie

You’re reading too much into it. He’s saying he likes it when you suck his dick. The end.

On another note, what is the deal with the no-context dick photo? Guys, we don’t want to see a photo of just your penis! It’s not hot! Would you want to see a close-up shot of just my clit? I doubt it. That would be weird. There needs to be context to the genitals in order to make them appealing. Basically, dicks are scary as fuck unless they’re attached to a hot person, in which case they become an endless pleasure utensil. Try adding some torso to the dick pic, or maybe even go crazy and include all the way up to your lips, and I promise you’ll get better results :)

Ask Slutever: Ask a Whore

Belle de Jour

Once in a while I’ll enlist a friend of mine to act as a “guest expert” and answer some of my Ask Slutever questions for me. This is usually because I’m either too busy, or too lazy, or sometimes literally just because I don’t feel like doing it myself. No offense, but after a while I get bored of reading though essentially the same emails over and over–“Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?” … “How should I shave my pubes?” … “Is my clit an idiot?” It’s like, for fuck’s sake, don’t any of you have any real life friends who you can ask this stuff? GOD.

No, I’m kidding. Please keep sending me questions, I love it. It makes me feel popular.

Anyway, for this installment of Ask Slutever the guest expert is…. wait for it… an escort! Yay! Because really, who better to answer all of your sex and dating questions than a professional? This particular prostitute happens to be a close friend of mine, and I think she gave some really great and useful advice, so please, open your ears, legs and mind and learn a thing or two!

So BASICALLY I’ve kind of agreed to have a threesome with these two guys who messaged me over an online dating site. We’re gonna book a hotel room and then… do it. But the thing is, I’ve never even been on an online date before because I get kinda nervous and have panic attacks. But I really want to have a threesome with two guys, and they look really hot in a mean teenage boy way (but they’re in their twenties and I’m twenty, so its OK?). Anyway, my pictures on my profile are mostly of my face, but not of my body, which is very curvy, like I have GG boobs and a small belly too (what a drag), and I’m afraid I’ll look like a beast in real life. I plan to get really drunk and high beforehand, but when I add all the elements of this story together they begin to sound dodgy. Should I do this or what? Help? Tamara

You pretty much nailed it when you said it got “dodgy” when you put all the elements together. A few of the elements are fun things: online dating, getting really drunk, getting really high, having threesomes, having sex with strangers. A few are bad things: misleading profile pictures, panic attacks. The combination of all these elements is dangerous, and that’s coming from a prostitute writing from a plane, on her way to another state to have sex with a stranger. The difference is that I’ve worked my way up to this. I know myself, my limits, and how to be (at least relatively) safe about it. Also, I’m not shitfaced.

You’re putting a lot on your plate right now. You’ve never even been on an online date because that gives you panic attacks–baaaaabe, why would getting naked with two hot strangers (who maybe don’t know what you actually look like) make you any less panic attack-y? Because you’re going to obliterate yourself beforehand? I’m not saying you shouldn’t mix booze and threesomes, but I am saying you shouldn’t turn up to any kind of first-meet wasted. It’s not, as Karley would say, “glamorous.” I’m all about a shot at the hotel bar to take the edge off, but don’t get carried away.

OK, I’m going to try to break this down for you, so that you can eventually have a threesome, but it definitely shouldn’t happen next Tuesday or whenever you’ve currently got scheduled. You need to build up to this, so that you don’t end up having some naked dude stab you with an EpiPen mid-fun. Or even worse, end up having a shit night that results in you never wanting to have a threesome again! Here goes:

First, you need to do some OkCupiding. If you can’t handle that, you can’t handle this. First, you have to get some clear pics up. Ask a dude friend to approve your selection. I have no idea what you look like, so it’s pointless for me to try to tell you whether or not you’re a “beast” in real life. All I can say is that I’ve met dudes who didn’t look like their profiles, and it automatically put me in a bad mood. False adverting is not cool. Before you even get to know this person, they’ve already lied to you! Not a sexy start.

Next, you need to arrange to go on dates with some guys who aren’t total babes–just nice, funny dudes who won’t intimidate you. I used to get sooo worked up meeting new guys off the internet, for the exact same reason. But I kept it low key, and friendly vs. flirty, so that worst case I could act like I was just looking for friends if I got reject vibes. After a handful of dates you’ll know what you’re working with, and won’t get all sweaty walking into new territory. From there, ring these hot teenagers up and tell them you’re ready to rumble. But if I were you I’d plan to meet for a drink somewhere public first. Remember, I said walking into the date drunk was sloppy, but if you’re all on the same level, it’s totally fine. (Just keep an eye out for roofies.) Have fun!  xoxo A Whore

I’m a 20 year old transwoman. I act in porn, and though it’s clearly awesome getting paid to get fucked, my issue is when I’m supposed to bring this up to someone I’m into. If I say it too early I come off like a total crazy slut, but if I wait to tell them I’m a lying bitch who hides her life. Please help! Alex

There’s no easy answer here. I’m obviously also in the sex industry, so while I don’t have experience with the trans issue, I’m all too aware of the ‘lying vs. not lying about your job to get a date’ dilemma. I’ve experimented with various approaches, and none are ideal. For about a year I decided honesty was the only way for me. I’d go on OkCupid dates and answer “escort” when they asked me what I was doing for a living. I considered it a good filter, because I didn’t want to date anyone who couldn’t accept me for me. Some turned into second dates, some didn’t. The ones that did appreciated my honesty, but fizzled out quickly. They probably thought I was edgy, interesting, and a good story for their friends, but ultimately not girlfriend material. I dated one friend who claimed he didn’t care, but several weeks in jealousy took over and we were back in the friends zone.

I guess I’m not telling you anything new here. You’ve likely experienced similar scenarios. I guess it all boils down to what’s most important to you right now: being in a committed relationship, or being honest with the person you care about. Right now I’m experimenting with the ‘two separate lives’ theory. Thinking of myself as one entity, and my escort persona as another. I’m not saying it’s the right choice, but it’s the one I’m going with for now. An escort is what I am, not who I am. You may be a porn slut, but you’re probably a whole lot more than that too. And while lying sucks, so does having assumptions made about you based on cliches. So do want you gotta do, but realize that this industry is always going to limit your personal life in one way or another, whether it means lying to good people, or giving them up because they don’t want a slice of chaos. xoxo A Whore

Hi, I’m 25 and admittedly pretty slutty. Last time I counted I was at around 60 guys and that’s full-fledged penis into vagina sex sex. I don’t have issues with my “liberated” sexuality, but I sometimes think there are cases where I shouldn’t have gone there, said no, or at least stopped the action at playful touching. I get frustrated because I see these girls who have tons of cool/hot/talented male friends around them, and I can tell they’re obviously grooming these men for if/when they finally want them in their lives. I don’t have these guys in my life because, well, I’ve already fucked them all, and that bums me out! I know it’s because I usually go straight to sex–meet a hot guy while wasted at a bar, go to bed with him within a couple hours. It’s fucking fun, and maybe a bit of a weird sex addiction type thing, as well as possibly a self-confidence issue (although a crazy one because I know I’m a babe and obviously have no problem getting guys). But basically, what’s your advice on how to say no to a guy, even if you’re attracted to him? What are ways that would be both mentally and physically fulfilling without coming off as a tease? I like to flirt and have guys come on to me constantly, as I’m sure you do too. I know these guys only have sex on the brain, so how can I please them without giving them the full vaginal glory, and keep them on the hook to become friends, or even something more meaningful? KP

I’m in this boat, and know lots of hot ladies in the same boat. It’s called validation issues–needing to fuck strangers to have it repeatedly confirmed that you are a babe. While we know it, the evidence we list is always based on how many dudes we’ve pulled, or how quickly we can get laid – not checkpoints which actually indicate self confidence.

At some point the sex with random dudes should get boring, and you’ll look for a way to spice up your active, yet unfulfilling sex life. That spice will be making not the boys, but yourself wait. Seriously, try it, it’s awesome. It’s obviously really fun to spontaneously fuck guys, but that amount of fun doubles each time you see the guy and hold off. There really is a pot of gold sitting the end of the abstinence rainbow. I’m still not skilled at it–I think my max was like 3 dates before sex–but that was glorious. I can only imagine what euphoria prudes must experience!

My best advice is to schedule dates at the start of your period. That gives you at least a week of hang-time. Unless you’re into crime scene sex, in which case, I dunno… maybe stop shaving your legs or armpits or something? Just figure out the thing that makes you be all “nobody is getting up in this tonight,” and make sure that thing is going on during your date.

As far as holding out until sex is more “meaningful,” well may not the right place to learn how not to be a slut, but it will teach you how to be a happier slut :)  xoxo A Whore

Ask Slutever

Photo by Helmut Newton

I’m a 20 year old girl, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year, and a few months ago we moved in together. I love him, he’s a great lover, and I’ve never felt so close to a person in my life, yet I feel like something’s missing. Last weekend I visited a friend in a different city, and I met a few of her hot male friends. I was honestly considering sleeping with this one guy while my boyfriend was at home missing me. I feel so confused and desperate. I would never want to hurt him, yet I keep wondering if we are meant to be.  I can’t talk to my friends about this because I feel so embarrassed about myself. Help! Kayla

Well Kayla, the technical term for what you’re experiencing is FOMO–fear of missing out syndrome. Your eggs are panicked that by only fucking your boyfriend they’re missing out on partying with better, hotter, funnier, most stylish sperm. But don’t worry, this is totally normal! The question isn’t why you feel this way, but rather how you should respond to these completely run-of-the-mill (and frankly quite boring) feelings.

It’s ridiculous to think that just because we love someone our lust for others will miraculously disappear. Lust is an inherent human reality, and it will never be fully tamed by love. Sure, sometimes during the first stages of a new relationship, we can become so infatuated with a person that for a while we’re blind to other sexual stimulus. But this phenomenon generally fades pretty past. Basically, no matter how in love we are, we’re still going to want to fuck our friend’s hot friends (and the cute American Apparel check-out guy and Michael Cera and our second cousins and anyone wearing a uniform and Stephen Colbert for some weird reason).

The issue of monogamy is stressful–I’m with you on that one! On one hand, I know it’s crazy to assume that one person can give me everything I want–can be amazing in bed, can be kind, can make me laugh, can stimulate me intellectually, can make me lentil soup when I’m depressed, etc. That’s asking a lot of one person! But on the other hand, there’s that annoying thing known as jealousy, which gets in the way of rational thought.

The romantic part of my brain believes that deciding to be faithful to one person is really beautiful, because making that sexual sacrifice can result in a stronger relationship. However, the other part of my brain (the larger, more intelligent part) thinks, “Life is short, we should all fuck whoever we want.” Overall, I think Dan Savage’s idea of “monogamish” is a pretty good relationship model. The idea is that you can be together with one other person, but loosen the reigns of your relationship just enough to give you both a little breathing room. Another term for this would be “open relationship,” although I know that scares some people off, because how open is “open”? Does open mean a no-boundaries fuck-fest where your partner is having intimate and emotional relationships with a zillion other people? Or does open mean that once in awhile, if you’re out of town, or drunk at a random party, you can fuck someone else and not have it be the end of the world? As Dan Savage put it, “Sometimes opening the door just a crack can keep the door from blowing off its hinges.” And I really think that’s true. Because we all want what we can’t have, right? So if you can’t fuck someone else, you’re obviously going to want to desperately. But if the rules aren’t so strict, you become sort of like, “Yeah, whatever… maybe later. My crotch isn’t groomed anyway.”

But in case this new relationship model doesn’t pan out, then what are your options? Well, you can dump your boyfriend, or you can cheat. Now, cheating is probably not the most admirable thing a person can do, but sometimes I think it’s OK, if done correctly. If done in secrecy and with respect to your partner (no blabbing to friends!), and if the cheating doesn’t get out of control and isn’t too close to home, it’s not so terrible. Especially if you consider that the alternative is you being unhappy and potentially starting to resent your partner, thus causing problems within your relationship. Am I a bad person? Maybe. But so are you, probs.

And lastly, I have to acknowledge that you’re only 20. I hate to break it to you, but even if you and your boyfriend are “meant to be” for now, you probably won’t be together forever. Or at least I hope you won’t. It’s good for people to experience multiple relationships in our lives, because each new person we date teaches us something new about the world, and about ourselves. Think of all the things you’ll miss out on by staying with one guy forever–you’ll never fuck a guy twice your age, you’ll never be in an orgy, you’ll never be a lesbian, or a prostitute, or a single girl going on a sex rampage across Europe. If you miss out on these things, you’ll regret it when you die. You’re welcome.

Ask Slutever

I’m in a steady long-term relationship with a guy and we both want to have a threesome with another girl. Amazing. I have a girl in mind–a friend of mine–and I discussed it with my bf and he’s pretty into her too. So, how do I propose the idea of having a sexy hotel weekend with me and my boyfriend to her without sounding hella creepy and losing a mate? Seems risky and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Also, what are our alternatives? Would it be better to do this with a random girl than with a friend? Although it’s actually pretty hard for a couple to pick up a random chick, as they’re crazy sought after. Help–tips for a good threesome please! Anonymous Candy

Choosing the right threesome partner is a delicate and complex operation. If you mess it up you could ruin your relationship and life forever.


Group sex is cool. I like it in a completely different way than I like “regular” sex. I enjoy the playfulness of it, and the fact that it can be really wild and silly and random, almost like a vacation from the often more emotional/intimate sex had with one partner. I also think that threesomes have the ability to bring couples closer together. When I would have threesomes with my ex, it really felt like something we were doing together–choosing a person to do it with, planning how and where it would happen, discussing it afterward–all of that planning and anticipation became part of our erotic experience. Also, bringing another person into the sexual equation can teach you and your partner things about what each other are into, and it’s just fun to push your sexual boundaries together. (Also, if you’re lazy 3somes are cool because you only have to do half the work, duh.) However, you obviously have to take into account that deciding to have group sex will involve watching the person you love fucking someone else in front of you, and not everyone is necessarily down with that.

In my experience, when having a threesome with someone you’re dating, it’s best not to have the third person be a close friend, or someone who you guys see on a regular basis. It just gets a bit messy, because no matter how open-minded or sexually carefree you are, jealously (annoyingly) does exist, and there might be a moment in your threesome where for whatever reason you feel uncomfortable with what’s happening, and even if five seconds later you don’t care and are having fun again, even that moment of doubt may change the way you feel about your bf or your friend forever. Maybe not, but maybe, ya know? Like you said, it’s a risk. Whereas if you fuck someone who is more removed from your lives, there are less emotions involved in the experience, which allows the threesome to become its own non-reality no-consequence supernatural sex bubble. Or ideally it does, anyway.

Some of the best threesomes I’ve had have been with people visiting from out of town. Those are cool because you’re generally excited to see the person who’s visiting, but then after you fuck them they fly back to wherever it was they came from. So basically, if either you or your bf have a sexy female friend visiting, you should pounce on them. Or, if you want to go a different route and fuck someone totally disconnected from you, you could always find someone online. There are lots of adult dating sites, such as XXX Sex Guides, where you can meet like minded people looking for casual hook-ups (that goes for threesomes or otherwise), which are helpful for finding a “random” to hook up with, without having to be that creep lurking around the bar, trying to lure strangers back to your free-love dungeon.

In terms of how to ask a person for a threesome, I’ve found a good way is to just text them saying, “Hey, you wanna get threesome’d?” It’s best to be casual about these of things. When it comes to group sex, formality can be a bit awkward. And don’t worry about being rejected by the threesome-ee, because they usually say yes. And if they don’t it’s because they’re in a relationship or prude or have herpes.

And lastly, let’s be real, alcohol helps. It takes the edge off, and just generally makes you less inhibited and more horny. Although don’t black out, because memories are good to have sometimes, and don’t pass out, because being a passed-out drooling slob person is neither sexy nor glamorous. No one wants to be asleep at the orgy.

Ask Slutever

Photo by Ryan McGinley

Is it wrong to tell the person you’re dating that you wouldn’t mind if they gained a little weight?  I’ve been seeing a girl who is beautiful and very sweet, but I’ve always had a thing for girls who are a little curvier. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her–in fact, she’s damn near perfect–but if she happened to want to not worry about her weight so much and gain a few pounds by eating some delicious meals, we could both be happy, right?  Is that so wrong?  Chevy

Why don’t you say to her: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that because you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” And if she says, “What are you talking about, I’m not drinking milk right now,” you can just laugh and say, “I know baby, I was only making a joke. Oh and by the way I like fat chicks.”

Girls don’t like to be advised on issues of weight. We like to be told that we look perfect and then for you to walk away. However, there are ways that you can achieve your goal discretely, using tactics such as subliminal messaging and deception. For example: Remember that book The Sneaky Chef that became famous a while back? It was basically a how-to guide for mothers on how to trick their children into eating vegetables. The gist of the book was that you can just hide veggies inside other, more tasty foods—“hide a lump of spinach inside a meatball!”, etc. Genius. Well, you can use this method too, except instead of hiding veggies you can hide lard. Peel a banana, take the banana out, fill the skin with sour cream, sew it back up CAREFULLY. She’ll never know. Hide a slab of animal fat underneath a pile of kale. Or, you could eat a McDonalds hamburger immediately before seeing her and then kiss her with your lips covered in a layer of grease lipgloss–that should give her at least 20 calories.

Casually tell your girlfriend that Real Women Have Curves is your favorite movie. Tell her you preferred Jessica Simpson in her 2009/2010 phase, and that before that she looked “like a man.” Or, alternatively, you could wait until you two have been dating long enough that you have an understanding of her prides and insecurities, and if you feel like it wouldn’t hurt her to say “I love your body so much that I wouldn’t mind there being even more of it,” then I say go for it. It will probs just make her feel skinny. (We love that.)

My date spunked on my stomach and I woke up with this baffling scabby thing where the cum was. Do you think it’s more likely that the shirt I was wearing stuck to his cum and bonded to my skin, later resulting in it (my precious human skin) being torn off, OR that this dude has acidic demon semen? Thanks, Jessa

Were you having sex with a human or a bull? Bulls have an acidic protein in their spunk, so if you were fucking a bull (no judgments here, we went to liberal art schools!) then it would make sense why his seminal fluid might have marked your skin. If you were having sex with a human, well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? Maybe a piece of cigarette ash dropped on your skin while you were blacked-out in the same place that the jizz was. Whatever, who cares. I doubt the guy is a demon. You don’t live inside an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My boyfriend has never been interested in having sex while I’m on my period. I never really broached the subject with him until recently, since most of the time I feel like a mess while menstruating anyway. However, I will be having my period during my birthday this year and don’t want to miss out on getting some action just because my bf is grossed out by a little uterine lining. He literally said, “It’s just not right.” Like, what?! It’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. I know your thoughts on the matter and I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to convince my nun of a boyfriend to get a clue. Sincerely, Red Haze

As Katy Perry once advised me on the issue of period sex at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA: “Put a towel down, put a towel down, put a towel down.” The moral of the story is, put a towel down. The other moral is if Katy Perry has sex on her period then so should we, because she’s famous and famous people are better and more knowledgeable than us normals on matters of literally everything.

Tell your boyfriend to think of it this way: Having sex on your period is like painting with your vagina. Look down at the towel underneath you post coital and say, “We created this piece of art together,” then put a photo of your conceptual art on Tumblr. A couple that blogs together stays together.

Does your boyfriend not know that blood is nature’s lubricant? Tell your dumb bf that the blood doesn’t actually go inside the pee hole, it just gets on the skin, and that blood is easily removed from skin with water. GOD. Remind him that you drink the gross milky liquid that he stores inside his balls on a regular basis, and that he should just grow the fuck up and deal with it. My ex used to be a wuss about period sex too. He’d always fuck me, but then would make a grossed-out face afterward and whine about having to take a shower. At a point it was like, “Jeez, if it’s such torture to have sex with me then please don’t bother. I’ll gladly roll out onto the sidewalk outside my apartment building naked and wait for a REAL MAN to come along and do the job right.”