Ask Slutever for IDLM

Read ASK SLUTEVER on I Don’t Like Mondays!

Dear Slutever,
I’ve been seeing a guy for a month. We have a ton in common, finish each other’s sentences, make the same joke at the same–that kind of thing. We just bought me my first vibrator, we’re getting tested together, we’re saving up to get a strap on so I can fuck him (!), and are so excited about exploring kinky sex together. Plus his brain is a huge turn on (he’s a PhD student), and he gets super turned-on by watching me cum, which I think is just fucking delicious.

So… THE PROBLEM is that is dick is SO SMALL. Don’t be jealous everyone, but I’m used to big dicks. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to use it; he’s adapted to it and knows positions that let him get really deep, that’s cool. But I am not ALWAYS into having my legs in the air, etc, and when he asks me to go down on him it’s so disappointing. The thing is, I think I’m falling in love with him, and he’s perfect except for this one thing. I feel horrible and shallow, but it just is important to me. Is this the kind of thing I can tell him? What do I do? Sandy, CO

OK first of all, OMG DO NOT TELL HIM! Are you crazy? No good could possibly come from that. Devastating him won’t make his dick any bigger, but it will make him insecure which will make the sex you’re having worse. (Unless he’s into erotic humiliation and therefore wants to be teased about his small cock, but in my experience those types of guys normally bring that stuff up right off the bat–subs have no shame–so you’d probably already know it by now.)

So like, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say this: penetrative sex on it’s own doesn’t feel that good. (Boys, take note.) There needs to be other stuff going on than just in-out-in-out in order for us girls to get off, otherwise we’d cum from putting in our tampons. Duh. Yeah, a huge dick is cool (but not too big, because that destroys our cervix), but it doesn’t guarantee good sex. There is so much more to sex than genitals, and from what you’re saying it seems like you guys are experts at the “so much more”.

I dated a guy with a small dick for a while, and he actually made me cum far more than most guys, because to make up for his tiny appendage he got really good at giving head and did it all the time. Sometimes when guys are huge they don’t make enough effort because they think their dick will do all the work for them. False! It’s like how sex with people who are sort of fucked-up looking is better than sex with really hot people, because the fucked-up people always try way harder to make up for their fucked-up-lookingness. (All of this is scientific fact, by the way.)

Finding someone hot and smart who is into you too is near impossible, so don’t waste it. Plus I’m sure there is a bunch of shit wrong with you too that he has to put up with. My advice is, the next time he’s inside you, tell him his dick feels amazing. Sometimes just saying something out loud makes it true.

Photos by Kristen Vicari

Dear Slutever,
I’m a call girl. Not full time, but it’s my livelihood, and I do it because I like it. It’s an adrenaline rush, an ego rub-down, and a lot more interesting than data entry. But at the same time, it’s kind of ostracizing, as it makes any hope of a relationship kind of sticky. I meet cool guys, but never know when to drop the bomb. It always gets weird in the bar when he asks, “So what do you do?” and I respond, “Fuck and sell my tampons, mostly… you?” Should I lie? Should I be all vague and mysterious and only tell a guy after I really like him? Or should I bring it up before we sleep together? I’m too lazy to do the whole double-life thing, and I kind of miss falling asleep next to someone I like. Anonymous, VA

At the risk of sounding moralistic, I think you should be honest. I’m not saying you have to scream “I’m a hooker!” five seconds after meeting someone, but I don’t think you should lie, either. Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to form a relationship based on lies, because lies always lead to more lies, and in the end you will either come across looking totally evil or totally dumb. (But if you do decide to keep it on the DL remember to set your email so that that it automatically logs out when you close the window, to have a passcode on your phone, and to delete your fucking text messages. #TigerWoods)

But anywayz, I think the main issue here is finding a guy who thinks like you. Most “normal” guys you meet in bars are not going to be cool with dating someone who HJs other guys for a living. Why not try going to fetish nights? Bondage clubs? Or joining alternative dating sites? Yeah, you will encounter some freaks, but I’ve met some incredible people on websites like (Also, what’s wrong with freaks? Freaks are hot. And let’s be honest, you’re kind of a freak, too.) There’s no reason why you can’t find a guy who would be into having an open-relationship, where you’re both allowed to sleep with other people, but where you keep each other as the main priority. It’s all about balance. For example, my current bf is cool with me being a dominatrix and peeing on creepy old guys for money, and in exchange I sometimes invite my friends over to his house to have threesomes. It’s give-and-take, ya know?

If you truly love what you do, you shouldn’t have to give it up or hide it to find a boyfriend, and if you want someone to like you for who you are, you can’t conceal a massive part of yourself from him. This is getting really cheesy and embarrassing now, but it’s also true so whatev. In the end, it’s important to always remember that anything is possible.

P.S. Watch this video. It’s a good anti jealousy, sex positive relationship anthem.

Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Sugar Tits)

Have no fear! The slutty, stripper sex blogger Sugar Tits is here to rescue you from your sexual woes. Sugar Tits is my #1 blog obsession of the moment (I still love you, Tavi) and her previous guests posts on Slutever have all been so epically perverted, that I enlisted her to answer some of the dirtiest questions from the Ask Slutever archive. Enjoy!

I recently started sleeping with the guy I’ve had a crush on for 6 months and I’m so happy! However he’s very different in bed to how he is in real life. Normally he’s very outgoing, but in bed he’s submissive. The thing is I prefer being submissive in bed and like being tied up and spanked and stuff (within reason), but with him I’m always the one taking charge. Do I resign myself to sex being like this with him, or is there a way I can get him to dominate me? Anonymous, TX

Gurl, I understand. I’m often faced with the same problem and it always sucks! Unfortunately, if he isn’t pulling your hair, spanking and choking you on his own accord, you’ll have to tell him to do so. (Which of course takes the fun out of it because giving instructions is more of the dominant person’s role). I hate to break it to you, but if he’s submissive, he’ll probably hate dominating as much as you do, and in my experience this stuff isn’t good when it’s forced. But you should at least tell him how you feel. Maybe yall can take turns abusing each other? If yall like each other enough there’s always a solution–hopefully not one involving you having to “resign” to sex you don’t like.

I’m 23 and just got out a 2 year relationship. Recently I have been–ahem–“exploring my options.” The thing is, I watch a lot of porn and I guess I imitate it during sex without even realizing. Then the other day I was having sex with this guy, and afterward he told me I was “really porno”, but he said it in a way that seemed negative, or like the way I was acting was somehow put-on. Do guys not like it when girls give porno, lolipop, eye-contact blowjobs? Should I scream less? Should I be more sweet and girlfriendy in bed? I’m confused.

OK, so the problem is that you’re amazing in bed? What guy doesn’t want hot, porno, eye-contact blowjobs? I think if what you’re doing comes naturally, you shouldn’t change it. Like, if you’re “In Love” with this guy you can compromise a bit because “relationships take work” and blah blah blah, but it sounds like this is a casual thing so literally just do what you feel like. Sex should be about having the ability to act however you want and not be judged for it. If someone is making you feel self-conscious about your screaming or peeing or whatever, then what’s the point? Anyway, if this guy doesn’t like the way you’re fucking I’m sure that TONS of other guys will.

I’m almost 27 years old and I’ve been in true love once in my life. This girl and I planned to be together for the rest of our lives and talked about it often. Then a few months ago she completely tore my heart out to go be with another guy. This nearly killed me. I’m getting better now, at least enough to be interested in seeing other girls. The thing is, I’ve never felt more dangerous/dark as when I lost her, and now I’m terrified of being in a relationship. I’m worried you’ll think I’m a delusional egomaniac when I say this, but the problem that I’m having is that I’m currently spending time with several girls, none of whom I’ve led to believe are the only girl I’m talking to, but most of whom have expressed that they feel they are falling in love with me. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be in love with anyone. Is it immoral of me to continue being sexually involved with someone when her feelings for me are quite strong and I’m completely opposed to the idea of returning those feelings? –T

Hey dude, first I’m going to tell you something I’m sure everyone has already but YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. “First Love” is especially hard. It took me a year get over my first boyfriend. I cried every day, wanted to die and thought I’d never be normal again. Then I started sleeping around, “found myself,” and fell in love with someone else last year who broke my heart too. So then I became depressed all over again (lolz)! Now I’m fine but I’m sure I’ll go through it like a billion times more. The point is, this is normal and it’s OK to be sad. And untill you recover, the best thing you CAN do is what you’re already doing! It definitely isn’t “immoral” to see several girls at once, even if you know you won’t return their feelings. Just the fact that you’re asking means you’re obviously not a “delusional egomaniac,” and considering that you’re being honest with all of them, nothing you’re doing is wrong! It’s their own problem they’re falling in love with you ;) Enjoy it and take care of yourself.

I feel like I’ll never find someone I want to sleep with for longer than two weeks. And in two weeks you can only have sex in so many ways. My question is: what is the best way to ask to pee on someone on the first date? Thanks, Joelle

Just Do It! I think you should start in the shower. Make him sit or lie down so you stand or sit on top of him and and just say “I have to pee” and unless he says “no” just go for it! Hopefully he’ll be into it but if he’s like “gross” just pass him the soap and continue to fuck him as if it didn’t happen. Honestly he’ll probably like it, I mean, I never thought I’d enjoy getting pissed on, but after the first time I totally loved it and even drank it and stuff! Anyway, the worst that can happen is him thinking you’re a freak but you’re only gonna know him for two weeks, right? So who cares ;)

I’ve been best friends with a guy for over two years and he finally told me he liked me. We ended up making out one day, him eating me out the next, and me giving him a BJ in the woods the day after that. The problem is I don’t just want to be fuck buddies, I want to be an actual relationship. Do you think it’s possible to be in a serious relationship with someone even if you jump into things so fast? I want this to last! Yours, Slutella

Though it’s true that there’s a difference between someone you actually want to be with and someone you just want to fuck, that doesn’t mean the two can’t mix! I’ve started several long-term relationships via fucking! Honestly, I think sex is one of the best ways to get to know someone. If you start dating a guy and wait too long to have sex only to find out that he’s really terrible in bed, then what do you do?? Also, you and this guy already love each other as friends (which is so important) and obviously have tons of sexual chemistry, so it sounds like the beginning of a great romance! If you’re worried he doesn’t get that, just tell him. I’m sure he already feels the same way.

Ask Slutever, AKA Ask Bunny (Part 2)

Bunny: So beautiful I could puke

Bunny is in New York at the moment! Yay! We’ve been having LOADS of fun staring at our respective laptop screens in close proximity. Yesterday he took a break from Googling pictures of syphilis and writing letters to prison inmates to answer a couple of your pressing questions. You can read Bunny’s last Ask Slutever contribution HERE.

Dear Slutever, My boyfriend is friends with a female to male tranny couple. I of course have no problem with this. However, he thinks I’m being a total bitch and nosy for asking how they fuck each other. I would never ask them this question for fear of offending them, but I often ask my boyfriend if he thinks they use strap-ons or if they still utilize their vaginas and tits. Since they became men with the hope to date other men, but are still dating women, technically, I’m not sure the logistics of their fucking. What do you think? Annie, Berlin

Bunny: As a pre-pubescent gender ambiguous college freshman majoring in “Women’s Studies”, I was actively recruited during orientation week to join this GLBTQ club in which pretty much all of the friends I made there were transgender because they all initially assumed I too was transitioning–from female to male (lol). I have fond memories of those times: vegan barbecues, breast binding, Sleater-Kinney fanzines, hormone injections, bike rides in the park, etc. In fact, a candid shot of me walking arm in arm with several shirtless FTMs showing off their top surgery scars during the 2005 annual Boston Dyke March was featured on the cover of a free weekly queer newsletter under the headline “TRANNY BOYS TAKE PRIDE”–my first modeling job! The point is, hanging with peeps like these at such a young age totally enriched my understanding of just how broad the spectrum of gender and sex can be. While some of my friends exhibited the traits associated with one gender but had the physical body associated with another and were seeking to rectify that difference, others identified as something less defined and more unique–either between male and female, or completely outside of that binary. And just as can be exemplified by the fact that your friends are two FTMs dating each other, being transgender at no point designates a uniformity of tastes or turn ons with regard to sexual orientation. Girls, boys, bodies, whatever. It’s personal, yo! 

Amongst the FTMs I knew–those friends of mine who were specifically transitioning their bodies from female to male–some had undergone the aforementioned top surgery–a bilateral mastectomy in which the breasts are removed and the chest is re-contoured to look like a male’s–while others bound their breasts down. Some had begun hormone replacement therapy, by which male secondary sex characteristics develop and thereby allow the person to more inconspicuously “pass” as the gender they identify with, and some were considering having full sex reassignment surgery, which involves a hysterectomy and a genital reconstructive procedure–either through the use of hormones to enlarge the clitoris, or via a skin graft and surgical insertion of an erectile prosthetic. Amongst these friends, all of them frequently reiterated how psychologically necessary it was for their physical bodies to match their gender identity, while other transgender people I knew were content to remain somewhere more ambiguous without the surgical modification of their body. Again–personal!

So, in figuring out how your friends fuck–well, first of all, it’s possible that one or both of them have had a complete sex reassignment surgery and therefore the logistics are less difficult to imagine. But what’s more important to acknowledge here, and the more likely reason they could potentially get offended if you ask them straight up is that, while your curiosity is in earnest, it inherently presupposes the heterosexist assumption that sex is only legitimate or “real” when it is, simply put, a dick in a hole. Just as our individual identities are ever open to new constructions and configurations, the way we get off with each other physically is open to infinite interpretations and executions. The only right way to do it is to do what feels right. 

Pics @ Kristin Vicari

2. I’m 21 and virgin. I live with a girl who always wants to swap war stories from failed relationships, and whenever we delved into the topic of sex I always gave non-committal responses that implied I was more experienced than I actually was. But tonight she asked me point blank if I’d had sex before and, having always been a shocking improviser, I panicked and told her the truth. I could see the laser beams of judgement shoot out from her eyes onto my forehead! The thing is, I’m not writing to you for advice to get laid, though I clearly need it. What I’m writing for is advice on not giving a shit about what other people think, because it’s what bothers me the most. Deep down, I think I’m okay with it – being a mega virgin – it’s just on those depressing few days when you’re confronted with your reality by other people that you go into a manic hysteria that eventuates to hyperventilating and writing to a person on the internet. Clara, NY

“Giving a shit” and “being judgmental” often go hand in hand. They are also, as far as I’m concerned, two of the least attractive qualities a person can exhibit when it comes to the way he or she behaves socially. I’m not saying you have to stop bathing and start donating money to NAMBLA as a means of proving how non-judgmental you are, but when your roommate judges you, it’s because she gives a shit, and is therefore probably just as insecure as you are. Take note! 

Everyone feels insecure and stuff, but I find that insecurity can be mitigated with a healthy dose of self-critical reflection and honesty. When you stop pretending to be something you’re not, you feel better and forget why you cared so much that you had to lie in the first place. If, however, you’re still edging towards hysterical shit-giving about what she thinks, consider first that you may be misreading her facial expressions and she’s actually just stoned and thinking about nothing while staring into your forehead. If so, get a grip. 

But if she is indeed still laser beaming you looks of disgust and confusion like your face is the “Fashion Police” page in an issue of Us Weekly–it’s time to tell her to get the fuck up from the high school cafeteria table of futureless bitches and move on with her boring life. In order for someone’s opinion to count with regard to the way I live my life, I have to respect what they say and think and do in the first place. Not only could I not give less of a fuck that, say, a group of frat bros at that BU party back in 2006 called me a “skinny jeans wearing fag”–I remain similarly unaffected that it’s now 2011 and they’re all attempting to stuff their giant thighs into the very same pair. Life is stupid like that.

So: Do you respect what your roommate thinks? Is her presence necessary in your life if it is only there to make you feel inferior? If not, it’s time to pack up and find some people to surround yourself with who will make you feel totally at ease for being exactly who you are–that is, a big virgin. I hear purity is in next season, anyways.

Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Josh)

In high school my BFF Josh Rawson used to say ‘slutever’ instead of ‘whatever’, which at the time was the funniest thing on earth. That was around 2000. I can’t say for sure that Josh made the word up–that was before we all had internet so I wasn’t down with the global slang–but he was the first person I ever heard say it. Then when I started my blog in 2007 I named it Slutever and pretended I invented it (obviously), however I think it’s about time I gave Josh some credit for creating what is clearly the greatest word ever spoken by man.

Josh is now in a band called The Felice Brothers, who make super abstract post-modern folk upside down Burroughs church jet lag rock. (Lol?) This is the super creepy video for their new single “Fire at the Pageant,” from their recent album, Celebration, Flordia. Josh made the video. Watching it will give you some insight into what the town we grew up in is like. That’s him in the vid coming out of a garbage can with a bag over his head, and again out of a car trunk in a dress. I’m also in it very briefly, see if you can spot me. #VideoHoe4Life

For this installment of Ask Slutever I enlisted Josh to answer some of your very important questions. He’s always been good at giving me life advice, so I thought I’d be nice and share his brain with you.

1. I’m 26 and have been dating a guy for 6 months. Our sex is good in a very normal, loving way, which I’m fine with. Then the other day in the heat of the moment I said “Fuck me harder.” Pretty standard dirty talk. But he clearly liked it and tried to get me to keep talking, but I couldn’t think of anything to say! And since then he’s told me he likes dirty talk but I’m always too embarrassed to do it because I feel like I sound so corny. How does one go about talking dirty and what are some good things to say?
Alright, here’s the deal: try to convince him you spent some time abroad in a Spanish speaking country. Or that your father is Dominican or something. Then just make up some vaguely Spanish sounding gibberish and scream it at him while he’s inside you. Throw in “papi” like every two made up words. His imagination will dream up totally amazing things and you will seem super mysterious. If that doesn’t work just yell “I wanna bake the pizza in your wet stupid mouth! You’re so fucking homeless and old!”, and he will probz forget about ever being dirty again.

2. Do boys have very specific types? I’m really into this guy in my math class, but I know for a fact his last girlfriend tall with long dark hair, and I’m average height (verging on short) with a blonde chin-length bob, which makes me think I shouldn’t even try because he clearly likes a different type of look.
Tall girls with long dark hair are so stone age. Blonde girls with bobs verging on short are totally future post apocalypse World War 3. You are so ahead of your time. Go girl. But the problem is, you guys are in math class together. He is obviously just thinking about long division, pi, and obtuse triangles. Boys are always too deeply invested in their studies to be aware of what girls look like. You should just forget about him and focus on becoming a doctor. Then you can be all like, “I’m a beautiful successful doctor and you’re just some asshole. Now get the fuck outta here, I’ve got lives to save.”

3. I’m only 18 but I’ve just come out of a 3 year relationship, and I feel like I’ve missed out on some valuable free-love time. I don’t know how to get in on all the teenage sex I’ve missed out on, i.e. when everyone gets together at parties and it’s all just for funsies. I need to get ma flirt on but I’m not sure how…
There are always gonna be parties where people wanna do it just for funsies. No matter how old people get they will always wanna fuck each other (get this) just for pleasure! Whoa, pretty insane! Hooray! Free love! From orgies in Central Park to lonely middle aged people getting drunk at Ruby Tuesday’s, people will always wanna have funsies without thinking about consequences, like “Who the hell is this person?” or “This stuff makes babies sometimes!?”

For now I would just focus on stuff only teens can do, like having your own show on the Disney Channel, being a teen pop sensation, making important teen career choices with your publicist, making sure your Nikes match your tiny fitted hat at the Teen Choice Awards, making sure the movie industry takes you seriously, being cute, not being tired ALL the time, eating a whole can of Pringles without feeling like sad sack of shit afterwards, and most importantly, not being a miserable adult. LOL.

Send more questions–anything really!–to with the subject ASK SLUTEVER!

Ask Slutever (AKA Ask No Bra)

Pic by Matthew Stone

For this installment of Ask Slutever I’ve enlisted the help of my friend Susanne Oberbeck. Under the name No Bra she makes disturbing, experimental punk music; her topless, monotone live performances never fail to both confuse and enlighten people with their sublime awkwardness. Susanne is also one of the most genuinely interesting, intelligent, I-don’t-give-a-fuck-what-you-think people I’ve ever met. And TBH in this alternative sphere that most of us reading this blog revolve in, where everyone is just a little bit “weird”, or makes some form of craaazy art, or is in an experimental noise band that also makes DIY zines about emerging street style (with vague undertones of paedophilia), it’s rare to meet someone who truly stands out from the rest, who you just can’t take your eyes off of. For me, that’s No Bra!

No Bra’s single “Munchausen” is definitely in my top 10 favorite songs of all time. Also, her song “Doherfuckher” is on the soundtrack to Bruce La Bruce’s gay zombie film Otto; or, Up with Dead People (one of my faves). Her new single, “Minger”, is mega fab, and you can watch the video for it below. I’m in it vomiting milk, obvs.

Directed by No Bra and Matthew Stone

1. I recently slept with a guy three times my age for money. No one knows about it, and I don’t feel like I could ever tell any of my friends because they would judge me. It’s not something I plan to do as a job, but for a bit of extra money I might do it again. Do you think the fact that I won’t tell anyone about it is a sign that I shouldn’t be doing it? Anna, Somewhere
Don’t tell your friends if you feel they would be judgmental. However I’ve had friends that were prostitutes or escorts etc, and all of them eventually developed some kind of substance problem, along with various psychological issues, so do it if it’s fun, but stop if it isn’t. Also make sure that you are not becoming dependent on it financially. There is a reason that it’s easy money, and this is partially due to the fact that it’s still harder for women, and some men, to make a lot of money doing something they are actually good at, and it’s in the interest of old and ugly rich guys who can’t get laid to keep it that way. This isn’t your or anybody’s fault, rather it’s the mechanics of capitalism, and the individual can’t do a lot to change it, but women collectively should try and fight it, and make sure they don’t become victims of the situation. So unless you get some kind of sexual kick out of it and actually enjoy it, or you are looking for material for a novel or a record or whatever, I would be wary of overdoing it and instead try and find some other way of making decent money, even if it initially seems more difficult.

1. Through a thorough examination of the Slutever website and, quite frankly, my entire life, I was able to pull out characteristics that might be viewed by some as “hipster.” I was wondering how you feel about this subculture? Is it even a subculture? Or is it just a reproduced reflection of past rebellion that has been marketed to the youth of Western society? Steven, UK
I’m from England and we don’t use the word hipster other than to describe low-cut trousers. To my ears it sounds like a lazy, reductive, jealous suburban expression – something a person’s dad might make up. Like there’s something wrong with being fashionable. The term makes no sense anyway because most of the people that would be considered “hipster”–e.g. the citizens of Williamsburg–are not hip. You should ask some old school jazz musicians what the term really means and take it from there.

3. I recently got caught shoplifting a pearl thong, it was horrible. But the worst of it is I was stealing it to look hot for my idiot boyfriend who I don’t even think notices what I wear anyway. Then my gay BFF told me (although I don’t know why I’m listening to him because he doesn’t even like girls) that dudes don’t even care about stuff like lingerie, which makes me feel even more dumb. Should I bother? Kiera, TX
Some guys do care about lingerie and clearly you care about it enough to shop lift it, so my suggestion is dump your boyfriend and find a new one that is into kinky lingerie sex and keep lifting!

Ask Slutever

I’m an avid Slutever reader, but I feel like I’m your polar opposite. I’m 17 (female) and am tres sexually inexperienced, but I go to a college where EVERYONE has had sex. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend and the most I’ve done is kiss a boy, but I was dumb and told my new college friends that I wasn’t a virgin, and also there’s this boy I’m dating and he thinks I know a lot about sex, and now I don’t know what to do… xxxx Naomi

Has EVERYONE really had sex, or do you just think they have? As I’ve been trying to get across in my ‘Am I Normal?’ posts, sometimes when you think you’re the only one doing (or not doing) something, really, you’re not. There are probably a lot of people at your college in similar situations to you. Everyone lies about sex all the time (see: faking orgasms, lying about “your number”, exaggerating the size of your dick on gmail chat, etc.). That’s just the way life goes.

And furthermore, 17 is so young! I know you feel ancient and like you should have lost your V-card, like, a million years ago, but you are basically a fetus and need to chill out. You have a million years ahead of you to have intercourse with a million different people. The first time is coming–probably soon–but there is no need to rush it, because as much as The First Time generally turns out to be less important than your virgin mind envisages it, it would suck to have a negative experience just because wanted to “get it over with”.

And lastly, in response to you’re boyfriend thinking you’re experienced, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: sex is not hard. If you have ever seen porn, or a sex scene in a movie, or even if you are blind and have never seen anything ever in your entire life, once you are in a sexual situation, you will be able to figure it out. Basc you just stick it in and then wiggle around a bit. The end. If you don’t want your boyfriend to know you’re a virgin, don’t tell him, and there is no way he will ever know. I guess some girls bleed when they lose their virginity, but you can prevent that but just sticking your fingers in there ahead of time (which you should be doing anyway, because it’s fun or whatever). I wish you the best!

Dear Slutever,

I’m 26 and have been dating a guy for 2 months. I’ve never been the type of girl to buy lingerie or wear sexy underwear–all of my undergarments, and regular clothing for that matter, are pretty standard. But the thing is, this new guy’s ex was a gogo dancer (lol), and I’m embarrassed even typing this, but I feel like I need to step up my game to compare to whatever weird underwear dances she was probably doing for him in the bedroom. Should I start buying lingerie? Is that important to guys? Please help. Karen, OR

This question made me laugh, mainly because I recently asked a similar question to my friend Dev, which you can read about here. If you don’t feel like clicking that link, it went something like this:

Me: Hi, I’m in Victoria’s Secret breathing into a paper bag, trying to decide whether or not to buy this overpriced lingerie. Do guys not even notice stuff like that?

Dev: Seriously, we don’t give a shit! Just get naked!

I think Dev has a point. Unless your underwear is totally gross or unclean, it’s fine. Also it’s probably a really bad idea to compare yourself to a lover’s ex. (Who am I kidding? As if that’s possible.)

However… talking from personal experience, wearing sexy underwear does make me feel sexier. It’s like… you know when you have sex that you’re not expecting to have, so you’re not prepared and are accidentally wearing the gross, stained underwear you normally save for when you’re on your period? And even though he probably doesn’t notice it makes you feel less sexy, which in turn makes you less confident, which makes the sex worse for both parties? Well, I think your situation is similar to this. My advice is, if you are going to be worried about your boring underwear every time you fuck this guy, then just get some new underwear. Nothing too fancy–I suggest either black or red lace bra and panties. Lace is always hot, but without seeming too try hard. And even if he doesn’t notice, it will put your mind at ease and you’ll probs feel like more of a babe. It’s a win win!

Ask Slutever

Pic @ Matthew Stone

1. My boyfriend of 2 years just admitted that he fantasizes about dressing up like a woman and being fucked in the ass by a man. He also said he has a female counterpart called ‘Michelle’, and that he wants me and Michelle to hang out/have girly time together, and for me to give him a makeover, i.e. shave his legs and do his makeup. He says he’s still sexually interested in me, and I’m pretty open to trying stuff out, but this was totally unexpected and I don’t really know what to do or where to begin. Jessica, London

Well Jessica, as someone who has fucked many guys in nighties–and has even forced boys into lingerie on a couple occasions–I can tell you that crossdressing and sex mix very well. Also, what’s important to remember is, if you want to date a freak–and why wouldn’t you?–then you have to deal with the fact that sometimes he’s going to act like a freak. I always fall for weirdos and then get all flustered when they suddenly break into a seizure right before I’m about to cum, or want me to call them Dad. But in those sorts of situations it’s best to take a step back and say ‘This is what I signed up for.’ Relationships are about compromise. It might be awkward at first, but I think you have to just suck it up, slap some lipgloss on Michelle, and fuck him/her in the ass with the same zeal and passion as Tyra when she walks down a runway.

Also, I guess we have to acknowledge the fact that your boyfriend might be gay, and that this might be the first stages of his coming out. Don’t panic, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean if he’s gay and he still fucks you, you’ve basically got the best of both words. But just be aware that someday in the not so distant future he might leave you for someone without a vagina.

2. I’m 19, straight, and really enjoy sex with my boyfriend. I cum every time. The thing is, I cum because I do it myself. He can make me cum with his tongue or fingers, but not from penetrative sex, even if he uses his fingers during it. I know in the past you’ve written that this is pretty common, but sometimes I still feel like there’s something wrong with me, or that I’m cheating. Help! Carla

Last weekend I was hanging out with my new friend Rachel from the sex blog Rabbit Write, and she was talking how (most) women can’t expect men to get them off with just their dicks. She kept saying, “Girls have to own their orgasms!” And I realize this may sound like some crazy feminist psychobabble, but it’s kind of true. Penetrative sex just isn’t as conducive to the female orgasm as it is the man’s, because the female orgasm isn’t necessary for reproduction or whatever. Evolution has fucked us, basically.

But as long as you’re cuming, and your bf cares enough to help out in any way he can, then it doesn’t matter how you get there. Also, if you’re 19 and are cuming during sex, that’s a good sign! I didn’t cum during sex until I was 21. It blew actually. Most girls take a while before they master it. But once you teach yourself the way that works best for you–whether that be masturbating on the guy’s dick, or a certain position that allows you clit to rub against his pelvis, etc.–then from there it just gets easier and easier until eventually you can cum from just looking at a penis. (Yeah right.)

3. Can I have sex even though I am “fat”? I am considered “obese” (just), according to the lovely BMI, and am new to being this size. I have always been an Aus 10-12, but now I’m a 16. I am fine with my size, but I haven’t had sex in MONTHS. I am going crazy! I feel like guys don’t notice me anymore, I don’t flirt, and I don’t come onto guys anymore. The closest thing I have had to anyone taking an interest is my friend’s boyfriend asking me for a threesome (I denied, my friend is a twig, I look like the pentagon next to her). I masturbated like 8 times today! Where can I find sex? Please help! Love, “Becky”

If you’re just looking to find guys who are into bigger girls, that should be pretty easy. There are dating sites that cater specifically to BBWs (big beautiful women, obvs). Like BBWCupid is one–maybe Google search sites specific to Australia. Also, fetish sites always have sections for heavy girls and those who love them, although there will definitely be more “freaks” PMing you if you go that rout. Up to you.

However, I think in your question you contradict yourself. You said you are fine with your size, but you also said you’ve stopped flirting and approaching guys, which means something about your personality has changed since you’ve gained weight, and you’re less confident. If you feel better about yourself at a smaller size, I think you should work on losing weight. And I’m not saying that in a ‘no one will love you because you’re fat’ way, I just think you should make an effort to look the way that makes you feel most confident. Because, why not?

To quote Elle Woods, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” The last part doesn’t really apply to you, but the first part does. It’s a no brainer, but exercise makes you feel SO good. I always feel irrationally good about myself after I go running. Like even though my body obviously looks no different directly before a workout than it does after, something about just knowing I went running makes me feel hotter. Weird but true!

Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Danny)

Danny Fields is one of the most influential punks of all time. He’s the guy who discovered and managed the Ramones, and who was responsible for getting the Stooges and MC5 signed. If you’ve read Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk, he’s the main voice in that, recounting stories about how the punk scene in New York got started, along with lots of juicy gossip about who was fucking who on what. In the 70s Danny was editor at 16 magazine, and was also in charge of the Q&A column “Ask The Boy” in Datebook (the mag where John Lennon famously said “We’re more popular than Jesus”), which means he’s got lots of experience answering questions from confused young teenyboppers like ourselves.

Danny and I recently became friends, after which he told me that Slutever is in his list of “best blogs ever”, which makes me feel cool. He’s really fun to hang out with, and always has good stories to tell, like about his lengthly discussions with Andy Warhol about rimming, or about taking ketamine back when it was still called “Special K”. Luckily for us, Danny took some time off from being legendary to answer some of our not-at-all important questions.

1. Hi, I’m 21, straight. and I think I’m a pretty good lover, but I always have a hard time being on top. I try to make up for it with imagination, kinkiness and great oral, but I just don’t know what to do when I’m up there! My boyfriend is never too responsive, so I just get stage fright and don’t know what movements I’m supposed to make or whether it feels good for either of us. I’m also uncomfortable being in control and having him watch me. What should I do? Nadia

Danny: Dear Nadia,
As for your boyfriend being “responsive”, the problem is not really much of a problem—is he hard? If he’s hard, he’s responding, and when you’re “up there” and he’s hard, look into his eyes a lot. Your eyes are saying that you are getting yourself off. With his cock! A great benefit to sitting on it is that it’s the best eye-contact position ever—not too close to focus, and not the back of someone’s head. Perfect… you can really track each other, while you’re fucking. Handle his dick like a delicate dildo, then masturbate yourself with it. Climb onto it, ride it, grip it, sway it back and forth inside. I’ll bet he’s always wanted to lie back and let you do the work, cock-pleaser-teaser that you are.

Also, there are some excellent oral things to do whilst astride. Don’t overdue mouth to mouth just because it’s convenient from where you sit, also it’s kind of a cliché. Lick his nipples and his pits and his ears. Also, straight guys love when a girl plays with her tits—whilst astride, it must look very nice. I wouldn’t know, but some guys have told me it drives them crazy. You are in control, but always keep in mind—and in body— that HIS cock is the fountain of  energy in this squishy scenario. As long as his dick is hard, you’re dominating each other at the same time; guys love that. Ride the fucker like you’re on a horse at the merry-go-round, even go “Yippee!,” maybe. But, what if he’s not hard??? What if he can’t get wood, or LOSES it while you’re giddy-yapping? Well, girl, you’ll be flopping around, it’s a problem. Get down, and now try some real kinky—that does NOT mean just another blow-job. Think about it.

2. Danny, it’s Karley. That last answer taught me a lot. But my problem is: I have a serious issue with eye contact, both in life and during sex. I just find it really awkward, and during sex I tend to avoid it or just close my eyes. That’s bad, right? Love, Slutever

Bad? I don’t know, for me it’s a highlight of hardcore porn when the participants look into each other’s eyes. I think avoiding it has to be off-putting for the other person. Of course it is fine to close your eyes, but then your partner is going to wonder what you’re envisioning. “What’s the matter? I’m not good enough?” But eyes closed in ecstasy is, I suppose, OK, if accompanied by mumbling of the person’s name to prove that you’re not having a Rob Pattinson fantasy.

3. I applied for an assistant job at a porn studio in Chicago. They responded by asking for a pic, which I gave them. Then they asked for a dick pic and I gave them that too. I don’t care who sees my dick. But now they are asking to fuck me! WHAT DO I DO? Andrew, IL

Dear bewildered applicant for porn job:
Well, this sounds like you got what you wanted! You DID want to “work” at a porn studio, hmm… and probably for some reason to do with sex, is that a good guess? And, “now they are asking to fuck me.” Well, since (too) few porn studios are run by females, you’ve likely asked (and were answered by) males about your possible future position. So, this apprenticeship would be with males who want to fuck you, therefore a gay porn studio, just making sure…

Have you been fucked so much that you can disregard a job offer from someone who makes porn and likes your pic and your dick for starters? And also, you might get a job backstage, or even onscreen, or in the audition department, filing, whatever. Your future runneth over, mate. What is the problem? Say “No” and you’ll always wonder what might have happened IF you went for that hot job; it’s the things you DIDN’T do that you’ll regret, not the ones you did. So go! Worst that can happen is you don’t get the job, the best is up to your imagination.

PS: Don’t wear a lot of cologne (the smells on a porn set are overwhelming to begin with), bring your own gloves, and think 3D.

Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Bunny)

Bunny (and friend Heathcote) modeling (his fave hobby) in Vogue Homme Japan by Ben Toms

For this installment of Ask Slutever I’ve called upon my BFF Bunny to answer some of your very important questions. Most avid readers of this blog know Bunny because I’ve written about him like 500 million times. For those who don’t, he’s kind of like this ambiguously gendered freak with no definitive sexuality, who barely ever has sex because he thinks touching people is gross or something. He once told me that he never watches porn, and on the rare occasion that he masturbates he looks in the mirror. Hot? He’s also some kind of weird genius, and I love him, so for those reasons you should probably blindly accept every word that escapes his mouth as absolute truth. This is what Bunny had to say:

Hi there! Bunny here. Now, I definitely don’t know anything about anything–especially when it comes to love and sex, which is a feeling and activity, respectively, that I engage in infrequently. But, taking a cue from my mother who has recently emerged at age 60 with new, Angel Network-encouraged, post-divorce career aspirations of becoming something called a “Life Coach” in spite of the plentiful evidence available (in the form of empty wine bottles and multiple, highlighted copies of The Seat of Your Soul, all regularly found strewn about on the floor next to her bed) that suggests she ought to hire one of her own before soliciting her questionable existence-coping tactics to anyone else, I too love giving advice when it is clearly so inappropriate for me to be doing so. So, to start: Don’t do drugs, like, all the time, go to class, like, some of the time, and, most importantly, avoid spending your teens hanging out with photographer-slash-DJs and feeling important because of it. Believe me, you’re not. And neither are they! Cool!

1. OMG I’m in love with this guy in my philosophy class but he’s soooo shy. Every time I invite him out with my friends and I he says he doesn’t like going out, and I never see him hanging out with anyone. He’s a total nerd but I love that about him! How do I get his attention? Desperate, Ohio
I was fairly shy and friendless in my younger years (I did, however, also have braces from the summer before eighth grade until the summer after senior year and was known to voluntarily wear kimonos to school on a regular basis because I was “really into Japan”) and I can confidently say, if anyone was romantically interested in me then I never had any idea. I’m still like that, really, but if someone makes it clear, and I mean VERY clear, that they have a thing for me, I will often, as can be partly attributed to a lifetime of social awkwardness and anxiety, reciprocate interest in the person initially simply because they’ve shown an interest in me. But we being a painful combination of shy, male, and vaguely stupid means you’ve probably got to make the first move and if we reject you it’s not because we want to reject you, it’s because we’re skinny, scared, autistic losers that, as a condition of our condition, require you to be persistent and try again. Once you finally get him to go out with you, I suggest a healthy application of alcohol to the situation. After about an hour, if I know me–I mean, uh, him–he’ll be so receptive and at ease and in love with you for still sitting with him after an entire hour that he’ll probably already be going down on you badly in the bathroom or puking on your shoes or confessing something really fucked up about his childhood between drunk, snotty sobs. If you can stand it, then congratulations! This is the rest of your life.
2. I’m going on vacation to London soon. What’s fun to do there that I wouldnt find in an “Idiots Guide To London.” You know, off-the-beaten-path crazy shit. Chris, 24, SF
London is a majestic shithole just brimming with big ass churches, museums and various other cool old buildings undermined by the consistent presence of hideous British people standing in front them, screaming the word “cunt” over and over again while publicly intoxicated on cider on any given weekday morning. It’s the best. But, for the young London tourist wanting to experience something a little more nuanced on their trip rather than the typical, forgettable fare offered by a random ferris wheel and a whatevs clock tower and ten thousand gift shops owned by a seemingly related group of Indian men committed to selling the hell out of the same set of Prince Wonkface wedding towels, here are some alternative suggestions…
1. Have gay sex in a graveyard
The Stoke Newington Cemetary is ripe with married middle aged men looking to go down low with literally anything be-penised that may wander by. You can’t miss them, they spend all day sitting on benches, looking nervously around as if to say, Enter Me, and yet also I Will Kill You. Nothing says “London in the year 2011” like sexually repressed homo cruising in inappropriate venues in spite of the prevalent existence of things like the internet and several of the members of One Direction.

2. Count the number of people missing limbs on Walworth Road
Walworth Road, of Squallyoaks fame, is an excellent place to go people watching. While living there, I spent many an afternoon staring in awe at the quality of people (and shockingly low collective quantity of body parts I had until then always assumed were necessary to maintain for basic survival) sitting in front of Tesco on their motorized scooters. Listen carefully as they converse with each other in a secret, guttural language that one only achieves fluency in upon sustaining a blood alcohol level so high that to still be capable of opening one’s eyes as can they (well, sort of) suggests that they have essentially either discovered the secret of eternal life or are, conversely, actually already dead but their eyes are still open and their bodies are making death noises confused by the others as words for a very, very long time now.
3. Become a model
Do you have a face and wear alright clothes? Then you should model! In London, literally everyone is a model. Like, even super fugly, short, fat people over the age of 30 with weird heads are models. I don’t know why more former ANTM contestants don’t come here, they’d be huge! All you have to do is be vaguely cool, and to be vaguely cool all you have to do is have a famous parent or be in a CBB (Crap British Band) or, even better, both. If that’s not you, don’t worry, just wear your best facial piercings and go to Brick Lane and wait there and exist for five to ten minutes and by the end of your stay in London you’ll be in a Burberry campaign for sure.
3. About two months ago I drunkenly had oral sex with my friend. I was just looking for a fuck buddy, but it’s now been two months and I think he really likes me. But the problem is we haven’t even fucked because he ejaculates immediately on seeing me naked, every single time! It’s sort of put me off him and it’s super awkward. What do I do? Annabelle Dixon, NZ
Having someone immediately ejaculate upon seeing you naked sounds like a sort of sweetly gross compliment to me. You should try looking less good naked. Perhaps consider spending this summer developing a rash of some sort. Or shave your pubes into an unarousing shape or design, such as his mother’s face or a fantasy animal’s penis (you should double check to make sure these are unarousing images to him first, btw), and he will surely be so distracted and disturbed that his pants will be pulled back up and your floor/face/whatever left satisfactorily seedless before you can even say Onan-ah-what’s-my-name. Also, consider gaining lots of weight or suicidally cutting the word “PERFECT” into your forearm like that girl in the Pink video. Or, better yet, take on an unattractive personal style such as “mall goth” or “fashion person” and soon he will find you so repulsive that you will be able to avoid the awkwardness of rejecting him entirely. He’ll be sperming all over someone else’s unsuspecting leg in no time!
P.S. Send more questions–anything, really!–to