Slutever on the “Love Alexi” Podcast

I’m guest on Alexi Wasser’s new podcast, Love Alexi, on the Nerdist network—yay! Alexi is the author of the amazing relationship website I’m Boy Crazy, which I have been a fan of since I was like 21. Alexi used to host a call-in sex advice radio show (that I was a guest on last year), but now she’s started a new podcast, and it’s bigger and better than ever. Below you can listen to us talk about sex, dating, being crazy jealous maniacs, cheating, Esther Perel, “sudden repulsion syndrome” and lots of other sexy stuff. Word. Alexi makes me LMAO.

Save Yourself: 15 Slut-tastic Sex Facts

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1. Vajonfidence means “vagina confidence.” (I made that up.)

2. Bad: 83% of U.S. teenagers have sex for the first time before receiving any formal sex education.

3. Good: Almost a third of all women over 80 years old still have sex with their spouse or boyfriend.

4. Rub some jiz on your face immediately, because sperm has a tightening effect on the skin–aka it’s the world’s cheapest anti-aging cream.

5. Sperm has other uses beyond being an affordable beauty product. During World War I, British Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) used semen as invisible ink, because it didn’t react with iodine vapor (the main method used to detect invisible ink), and because there was clearly tons of it available. However, they stopped using it once they realized it smelt jank if it wasn’t, ya know, fresh.

6. They’re called STIs now, not STDs (that’s racist).

7. Important:  Researchers from the University of California found that men who helped with the housework got 50% more sex than those who did none.

8. Prostitution is legal in many countries (like about half of them), including Iran, where “temporary wives” can be obtained for a few hours. Convenient.

9. There are 5 calories in a teaspoon of semen. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SPIT IT OUT!) (J/K it’s gluten free so fuck it.)

10. We automatically perceive people who smell good as being more attractive.

11. Weird: Women used to menstruate during the new moon (when it’s dark at night) and ovulate during a full moon (when it’s light). Now, in a world full of artificial lighting and bright screens, women are not as in tune with the connection between their biology and nature, so our periods are all over the place. (Is this actually real tho? Whatever, it’s funny.)

12. Here’s a terrifying fact: Most Americans have an STI. More than two-thirds of Americans adults are infected with one or more strains of HPV (although thankfully only a small portion have the strains that can cause cancer).

13. 1 in 10 Americans with a smart phone have used it during sex. (Does that number seem low to anyone else??)

14. Your vagina is special and unique, just like a snowflake! Nerve endings are distributed differently in every woman’s vagina, which means that every woman needs a different combination of stuff going on in order to cum. (That’s why we need to help guys out–they can’t read a vagina’s mind.)

15. Cray: Gay men have bigger boners than straight men. (Not lying–you can read about it here.)

Ask Slutever

“How do I sleep around without getting burned?” I recently answered this in a special Ask Slutever for the The Debrief magazine. If you want to know the right way to be a slut, you can read my article HERE :) #SlutWisely

Ask Slutever

Photo by Terry Richardson <3
Hi, I’ve been a huge fan of your blogs and you as a teenage boy growing up that has never been laid before (sadly, it’s true). I learn a lot from your videos and blog posts. Can you tell me more about how it feels like to have sex for the first time? Thank you! Ken

Strong question Ken. Having sex for the first time can feel a variety of a different ways, though it can usually be summarized as one of the following: painful, terrifying, anticlimactic, freeing, overwhelming, or just like nothing at all. For me, it felt like nothing at all. 

I lost my virginity in high school, and because my boyfriend at the time and I had decided a couple weeks in advance that we were going to have sex, we had some time to prepare. Part of the prep involved him fingering me a lot in order to stretch out my vaj, so that the “first time” wouldn’t hurt. In hindsight that sounds really clinical and un-sexy, but back then it just felt clever. Although to be honest we may have been a bit excessive with the stretching, because when he finally put his dick inside me I couldn’t even feel it. Although actually, that occasionally still happens to me during sex now. Maybe I just have a wide-set vagina? Unfortunately, I don’t know what it feels like for a boy to have sex for the first time. I imagine it feels like the inside of a plastic bag, inside of a warm, moist cave. And like becoming a man.

When you’re a virgin, your “first time” seems like the biggest deal ever, and the anticipation of it consumes your life. This is why I usually advise people to just lose their V-card at the soonest non-awful opportunity possible, this way they can move on with their lives and start worrying about something more important, like clothes or blogging or politics. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over a year. After 5 months of long distance, I recently moved across the world to live with him. However, since the move our pre-existing problems have intensified. I cheated on him twice in a week (only kissing), after which I knew I had to break up with him. He responded saying that I owed the relationship another chance, because I hadn’t communicated my problems to him prior to the break-up. I agreed, and we’re still together now, although I have moved out, and the relationship is actually better than ever. The problem is that I have all these thoughts about being desired by other men and having sex with other people, and when I get drunk these ideas become more powerful and less reasonable. I’m 23–aren’t these the years I’m supposed to be slutting around? I feel like I’m not fulfilling my slutty potential. On the other hand, I’m really enjoying being with my boyfriend right now. Advice please!

Jesus, I wish I had the answer to this. This has been a primary main problem in my life for the past decade: I want the romantic comfort of being in a relationship, but I also want to sleep with literally everyone. Thus is the slut’s dilemma. Unfortunately, we can’t have our cake and eat it too, as I recently discussed in an article for Vogue about open-relationships. I would suggest an open-relationship for you, but since you’ve been monogamous for so long that would most likely be a difficult step backward. Also, if there’s one thing being “open” has taught me, it’s that there is such a thing as having too much cake, and that maybe it’s actually better not to be able to eat your cake, rather than to eat too much cake, because cake is really fattening.

Anywayz… it’s normal that you want to fuck and be desired by other men. The fact that you just moved to a new city is probably not helping either, because you’re surrounded by a whole new crop of hotties/potential hook-ups. We all want to be desired–it makes us feel confident and powerful–but being desired and sleeping around are not one in the same. Restraint is extremely desirable. Knowing that someone wants you, but denying them sex, is probably more of an ego boost than a sloppy one-night-stand in the long run.

What I’m learning as I grow-up is how valuable and important it is to be in control. Having sex with lots of people is cool, so long as that’s what you want, and what makes you feel good. Having sex with lots of people while you have a boyfriend, feeling uneasy about it, doing things you regret, and hurting the people you care about in the process, however, is not so cool. See what I’m saying? Having control is not about being a prude, it’s about knowing what you want and how to get it.

So, my suggestion for you is to try to rein in the slut-works for a bit, and make an effort to save your relationship. You guys lasted five months of long distance, you moved across the world for this guy–those are big things! He must really mean a lot to you, and to throw that away because you’re having a moment of intense hornyness might be something you regret later on. Believe me, 23 is will not mark the end of your desirable ho years. 

My advice is to take a few weeks where you really focus on your relationship. Make an effort: go on dinner dates, have amazing sex, go out of your way to do nice things for your bf, and see how that makes you feel, and what you get out of it. But don’t do it half-hearted and make-out with other guys in the process, because that will contaminate the experiment and make the results all fucked-up and impure. Then, after a few weeks, see where you stand. If you still want to break-up, then do it and go crazy.

Ask Slutever

Dear Slutever, My ex and I managed to stay friends after our rocky relationship and even rockier breakup, and have been sexting for about a year now, despite him having been been in a new relationship for a year and a half. I get that it’s wrong or whatever, but how do I get him to fuck me? I really miss our great physical chemistry, but he’s very unwilling to take the next step in our little tryst because he’s a nice guy and thinks he’s in love. Sincerely, Morally Corrupt and Horny

OK, you need to move on. It’s not a good look to be a desperate ho, stalking your ex because you can’t find anyone new to distract yourself with. You ex moved on, so should you. He’s not in love with you anymore, hence him being “very unwilling” to have sex with you, and being in love with someone else. It makes you look traj to keep trying. If you keep on like this you’re going to end up like Charlize Theron’s character in Young Adult, drunk and depressed at 37, unsuccessfully trying to make out with your high school boyfriend at his kid’s birthday party, while his wife is in the other room.

And anyway, what is getting him to fuck you going to achieve, other than emotional pain for everyone? Are you the type of person who craves drama 24/7? You had a rocky relationship and rockier break-up with him, and now you’re going back for more? Why? Do the world a favor and don’t pull your ex and his new love into your drama cyclone. Here’s a general life tip: Being a bad person doesn’t make you feel good, it makes you feel bad–duh.

Sometimes when we’re bored and not in-crush with anyone, we get confused and feel like we still want to be with the most recent person we shared intimacy with. It happens to the best of us. But think back–you and your ex-boyfriend aren’t together for a reason. Try to remember what that reason (or reasons, more likely) is. And then join Tinder or something. 

So a few months ago I slept with a bunch of guys, including some of my male friends, all within the same short period. I don’t even know why, I guess I was just having a slutty week or something. But now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass because everyone (obviously) has found out and thinks I’ll just fuck anything. I feel super gross, and I know it’s just because of a stupid double standard, but it still sucks. And the worst part is, I actually LIKED one of the guys, but I don’t think he wants anything with me, probably because he’s lost all respect for me and/or thinks that I just boned him like I boned everyone else :( I feel like shit about myself and I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be like a guy and be proud of my sexual conquests?!?! Amanda

You know me–I’m all for being a liberated sexual butterfly. Being a slut is very trendy these days! But like anything, there’s a right way and a not-so-right-way to go about being a slut. Unfortunately, we can’t just sleep with whoever we want whenever we want 24/7, and expect that it won’t have an effect on ourselves and the people around us. In Buddhism they follow something called The Five Precepts, which is basically a five-point moral code to live by. One of the points translates to: “Do not misuse sex.” Damn, those Buddhists are wise.

I had to learn the hard way that sex is a tool–a very powerful tool–that can be use a right way and a wrong way, to help you or to hurt you, for good or for evil. That probably sounds over-dramatic, but it’s true. Sex can create amazing bonds between people, it can make you happy or sad, it can advance your career (no qualms about that over here!), it can make you money, it can have profound effects on your confidence, and it can be a weapon. It can even destroy presidencies! That’s not a double standard, those are just the facts of life.

When I was in my early twenties, I made the mistake of sleeping with a lot of people within the same friend ground. I remember being at a concert one night and standing with about 10 of my friends, and looking around the circle and realizing that I’d slept with every single one of them, male and female. And at the time I found it sort of funny, but mainly I just felt traj, because it occurred to me that none of my sexual encounters with any of those people were particularly memorable, and that actually, I hadn’t gotten anything valuable out of them…. other than maybe an orgasm (but probably not even that). In the end the sexual experiences hadn’t been worth it, and I wished I could take them back.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I think it’s totally fine to act ho-ish on occasion, to sleep with someone on a first date, to fuck a stranger in the bathroom of a bar, etc. But part of the thrill of that type of behavior is that it feels illicit and mysterious. It’s way sexier to be calculated, selective and discreet about your sex life, than it is to be sloppy and flagrant about it. (And I realize that may sound weird coming from me, a sex blogger, but there are some things I don’t tell you guys about…) 

So, to keep an emotional mishap like this from happening again, from now on there are a few key slut rules that you (and all of us) should follow. For example: don’t sleep with a friend’s boyfriend; don’t sleep with a friend’s serious ex; don’t sleep with someone you plan on having an ongoing professional relationship with (often a hard one!); don’t sleep with close friends (unless you don’t mind that the dynamic of your friendship with most likely change after sex); and… don’t sleep with a bunch of people within the same friend group, because then you just become the been-there-done-that girl, and that’s not hot. And honestly, I don’t even think that’s a double standard. If one of my guy friends had slept with the majority of my female friends, I would find it sort of weird. It’s just not a very classy thing to do, ya know? There’s enough people in the world and online that we shouldn’t have to sleep with our BFFs. Thank god.

So, how do you get in with the guy you actually like? Well, the guys you fucked are most likely going to approach you for sex again. Since they probably think you’re easy, they’ll want you as a casual fuck. However, from now on you have to deny them sex, which will give you back the power. After you’ve denied a few of them, and waited a while for the smoke from your sex rampage to blow over, then you should make a move on your crush.

The moral of the story is: fuck wisely.

Dating 101 with Marsha Rowe: Cheating Questions

Pic by Coco Young

Last week I published an interview with feminist icon Marsha Rowe, where she and I talked about the history of feminism, body image and porn. However, during our original conversation, Marsha and I also talked a lot about relationships, specifically about cheating and non-monogamy. I didn’t include that bit of our convo in the original edit, just because the interview was already really long (Marsha, being very wise, just said too much good stuff to fit into one blog post!), but I thought it would be a waste not to share it with you all, so I’ve posted it below. If you’ve ever cheated or been cheated on, or if you’re considering experimenting with an open relationship, I suggest you read on!

Rowe: In a recent blog post of yours, you made a comment that it was alright for someone to cheat in a relationship as long as the person handled it properly. When I read that I thought, “Hang on, if you really cared about someone and they cheated on you, how would you feel?” Yours seemed like quite a detached, male attitude. If relationships are about vulnerability and trying to open up, then I think the idea that it’s fine to cheat is sort of glib, and I don’t like it personally.

Sciortino: I see what you mean. I think what I was trying to say was that, for example, if someone in a relationship went to another country and had sex with a random person in a one-off experience, and he/she didn’t brag about it or discuss it with friends, then that was a condonable act. I don’t know… maybe I’m just being realistic about the fact that whether or not a couple acknowledges that this type of behavior is sometimes “OK,” it generally happens anyway.

Rowe: Well that’s something you deal with if it happens, isn’t it? As far as I know, in every relationship where someone has cheated, the relationship hasn’t lasted. Although it may have been because it was never meant to last.

Sciortino: It’s hard. This is my issue: say you’ve been monogamous with one person for a long time, and after awhile you get the urge to sleep with someone else, but ultimately decide not to because you want to stay committed. In my mind, this is likely to lead to resentment within the relationship, or you becoming unhappy sexually, when maybe a better alternative is to just get the random sex out of your system and move on. But then again, I know cheating can be a slippery slope.

Rowe: I think it depends on what stage the relationship is in. I’m sure early on someone could stray without it causing too much disruption. My case would be for maintaining trust. That if you tell the partner, even beforehand, then you can modify the potential for jealousy. But if this is happening later on, maybe the person cheating is actually frightened of being too intimate or vulnerable within their relationship, and sleeping with somebody else is just a diversion from it all.

Sciortino: That’s true. And there are obviously different levels of cheating as well. Like if I found out my boyfriend had been dating someone else for a year behind your back I’d obviously be like “OK, too much!” But if I found out he’d slept with someone else once or twice, and it wasn’t someone close to us, I could probably get over it. It’s really subjective. And I’m talking as someone who is nowhere near being mentally ready to get married or have kids. I think when you enter marriage, or consider having children with someone, the rules change.

Rowe: Well, life in general is much more fluid now. Half the time people don’t marry, and relationships are a bit more vulnerable to change.  

Sciortino: I know a lot of people, myself included, who are now experimenting with open relationships–the idea that you have one main partner with whom you’re emotionally monogamous, but you both have the freedom to sleep with other people occasionally, so long as it’s not gratuitous or disrespectful.

Rowe: Well in the 60s and 70s, because we were against the whole ‘nuclear family under capitalism’ thing, at times we thought it was alright to have multiple relationships or partners, so long as we were open about it. For example, I would be good friends with a woman who was with one of my partners, and vice versa. But in a way, looking back it was quite cold, you know? There wasn’t a lot of care in the matter, and even when there was a lot of love, actually, it wasn’t workable in the long run. As for the idea of sex divorced from feeling, I suppose I did have a few partners where that was the case, but it wasn’t what I wanted in the end. Ultimately I realized that if I was with someone, I didn’t want to be, well… fucking someone else, really.

Sciortino: I go through cycles. There are periods where I really crave and enjoy having detached, “meaningless” sex, and times when I don’t. I know that a lifetime of just anonymous sex would not be fulfilling for me or most people. But I think there’s a time in everyone’s life where free sexual experimentation is fun and probably a good thing, because if you don’t have it when you’re younger then maybe you’ll regret having missed the opportunity later on.

Rowe: That’s true.

Sciortino: What do you think about certain modern pop stars, like Ke$ha and Lady Gaga, who are open and unapologetic about being promiscuous?

Rowe: Well pop stars always behaved this way, except they were mostly men. They didn’t talk about it that much, but it was always assumed. But now women are doing it too and it’s like, ‘So what?!’ Does that make them a role model? Well, I don’t really know what a role model is anymore, but at least they’re being open and honest about it.  

Sciortino: I think it’s potentially positive. I don’t think young women should feel like they have to sleep around to be sexually progressive or a feminist, but I think it’s good to have people in the media relaying the message that if you do decide to have multiple partners, it doesn’t mean that you’re a slut or that you’re just trying to please men. It’s never degrading to do what makes you feel good.

Rowe: Yes, yes, yes. I mean, where is the male equivalent for the word ‘slut’? There isn’t one. There is no term for putting a man down because he sleeps around. Slut-shaming is a very old and sexist form of abuse. The ideal of virginity and being chaste is what we were against in the 60s, and it’s why we claimed our sexual freedom.

Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read my latest sex advice column, originally written for Jezebel!

Hey. How do you manage your blackouts? Like, blackout drunk? Also, how would you deal with a somewhat famous dude who’s coked up and wanting pics of your naked body? Thanks, KC

Wow, what a classy question. Look KC, being a blacked-out bar ho is not a sign of a strong feminist who’s in control of her destiny. Also, what if you’re blacked-out and a party photographer shows up and wants to take photos of you? How are you going to pose to your full potential if you’re a sloppy mess? ‘Drunk girl at the party’ is certainly not the look for S/S 2013. Also, what do you mean by “manage”? Girl, blacking-out is the opposite of management.

As for the nudes, it’s always fine to send naked photos of yourself to people as long as your head isn’t in them, duh.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five months now and he has yet to kiss my pussy. Like his mouth hasn’t gone anywhere near it. I’ve asked him why he won’t do it, after which he asked me to wax it, so I did. Still nothing. He then said he hasn’t done it in a while, doesn’t think he’s good at it, and bottom line just doesn’t enjoy it. I, however, love giving him head. Even if I didn’t enjoy it so much I’d probably still do it, because I love him. He says he loves me too. So why isn’t he doing it? I miss getting eaten! Thanks, Stacey

Why don’t you try hiding your boyfriend’s dinner in your vagina and then telling him to go find it? Or if you don’t cook, just hide something really important of his in there, like his X-box or something.

The problem you’re having seems to be a problem for lots of girls, because guys are generally lazy as fuck in bed. (FYI guys, if you refuse to go down on your gf, she will no doubt tell all of her friends, which means there will be groups of girls all around town talking about how shit you are in bed.) In this case, your boyfriend is just being a selfish baby. Saying “I haven’t done it in a while,” or “I’m not good at it” are not excuses. People have all sorts of anxieties about sex — that’s normal! But part of the fun of sex is trying out new things, getting outside of your comfort zone, and working out what works and what doesn’t for you and your partner. Because if you only do the things you know you’re good at over and over again, then after a while sex can get pretty boring. Also, your boyfriend is being an ultra douchebag because you said you’re willing to compromise: If he’s being finicky about hair, you’ll wax it; if he’s being a wuss about the taste, he can do it after you take a shower, and so on. Perhaps you should remind your bf (in the nicest way possible) that his dick doesn’t taste like a fucking ice cream cone.

If you communicate all of this to him and he still refuses to go down on you, then maybe you should try not giving him head for a while. Give him a taste of his own medicine. This may kind of suck for you, because you said you like doing it, but the absence of BJs might make him relate to your desires a bit more. And if all else fails just talk about how great your exes were at eating your pussy, and how because he’s not satisfying you you’ve become obsessed with the ideas of fucking other guys. Scare him. Scare him real good.

Can you wax your own butt? (I mean, can one wax one’s own butt.) xo Jane

Well, how good are you at yoga? Also, how busy are you? I understand your desire to want to wax your butt yourself. I get waxed by a scary Polish woman who forces me to get on all fours during the procedure, and to lift my leg up like a peeing dog when she does the butthole part. Awkward! For this reason I always bring a copy of US Weekly with me to the waxologist, to serve as a mental distraction (and also to remind myself that celebrities are Just Like Us and also definitely get their buttholes waxed in the doggy-style position).

So yes, professional waxing is expensive and mildly unpleasant, but doing it yourself takes forever, and it’s super annoying. What if you miss a spot? Then you’ll have a weird patch of hair on your butt. Also — worst-case scenario — you won’t be able to keep your cheeks spread during the process, causing the wax on each cheek to make contact with each other, creating a wax bridge inside your buttcrack. And what’s your OKCupid date supposed to do with that?

My advice is, if you can afford a pro-wax you should just suck it up and do it. And if you’re short on cash then you can sit with the other poor people outside the wax factory and hold up a sign that says, “Help me! I’m saving up to get my butt waxed!” and maybe somebody will take pity on you.

I’m an Asian guy with a German girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and I lost my virginity to her. Here’s my problem: the average Asian man has a smaller penis than other races do. I love to have sexy time, but this causes me a lot of anxiety. I focus on making my girlfriend cum, but it’s hard because I don’t last long. I’m planning to have penis enlargement surgery soon. Any advice on how to last longer, and to please my girl with my below-average dick?

Sincerely, Jim

Damn, penis enlargement sounds like a pretty extreme solution. That’s very Austin Powers of you. Are you sure your girlfriend even has a problem with the sex you’re having, or are just you fabricating an issue that doesn’t exist because of your own paranoia? Also, what size is your girlfriend’s vagina? Who knows, maybe she has a small one and the two fit together perfectly.

There are ways to last longer in bed: wear a condom, rub some desensitizing cream on your dick, jerk-off more, etc. In general I would say that surgery should be reserved only for very extreme cases. Like if your dick is so small that even with an erection you still can’t see your dick through your bush, then fine, it’s something to consider, I guess. But otherwise you should just relax a bit and give your girlfriend lots of head—girls like that!

Being “good in bed” is not about being born with a huge dick, or having one of those fingers that can detach itself from your body while you’re at work, take the train back to my apartment and wake me up with an orgasm. Being good in bed is about being fun, willing to experiment, and caring about what makes the other person feel good. Also, consider this: lesbians have sex with without any penis at all, and they seem to be doing alright.