Tag: dating

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Ask Slutever for Jezebel

Read the latest installment of my sex and dating advice column, originally published in the girl-bible, Jezebel!

I’m a 24-year-old girl and I’m freaking out about my sexuality. I’ve had sex with about 10 guys and have never even come close to having an orgasm during sex. Sensations feel good, especially if I’ve had a few drinks, but I’m starting to think I’m asexual or something since I can’t cum when I’m with a partner! PLEASE HELP!

– Sarah

Ninety percent of the questions I receive through this column are essentially asking this same question: “I’m a girl, I can’t cum during sex, WTF is wrong with my vaj?” Well, I’m sorry to say it, but there’s probably nothing wrong with you. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: vaginal intercourse just isn’t very conducive to the female orgasm. Like, how the fuck am I expected to cum when there’s a dick ramming into my vagina? Talk about distracting! Thanks for nothing, evolution.

I’ll make this very clear. Generally speaking, just shoving a dick in-and-out of a vagina does not feel good for the girl. That just feels like we’re inserting our tampons on repeat forever until the end of time. Most girls need a soft, repeated motion on their clit for at least ten minutes in order to cum. Another effective technique is for the guy to insert his finger into the vagina with his palm-up, and then, while being conscious of accurate placement and pressure, make a “come here” motion. (Note: this is a maneuver that a penis cannot achieve, unless you’re Mr. Gadget.) If we’re really turned-on or on MDMA or something, sometimes cumming is a bit easier, but normally it takes some considerable time and effort to make a girl climax.

So Sarah, my professional advice to you would be to try out being a lesbian. Why not, ya know? Girls are better at making other girls cum, because they understand what’s going on in the relevant areas. Also, girls are generally more sensitive, caring and patient than men, which makes them better lovers. Also, being gay is edgy.

However, if girl-on-girl really doesn’t do it for you, then why not just start masturbating with your partner? That still counts as “cumming during sex,” because sex is more than just the in-and-out part, it’s all the stuff that happens around that, too. (Enlightenment moment!) I didn’t cum during sex until I was 22, which was the year that I realized I needed to stop waiting around like a delusional idiot and take matters into my own hands. Literally. I interviewed a porn star recently (she has asked to remain anonymous, for professional reasons), and she told me that she’s never been able to cum during a scene, and always has to fake it. However, what actually makes her cum is to lie next to her boyfriend and kiss while she uses her Hitachi Magic Wand. (#ModernLove) See, porn stars: they’re just like us!

I need advice on how to convince male paramours to wrap it up without being seen as “unclean” in some way. I’ve encountered a frustrating amount of men who claim to be clean, who are only convinced to use a condom after I mention I’m not on the pill. And then they proceeded to bitch about how uncomfortable it is! I’m about to enter a polyamorus relationship with a new gentleman, and I have no idea how to bring this up in conversation without sounding presumptuous.

Help,
Jaisley

People who sleep around and don’t use condoms are idiots. And let’s be honest: yes, condoms can be kind of annoying, but they’re not that bad. There are worse things in life. Like AIDS, for example. Also, if a guy complains about condoms being uncomfortable, just explain that they don’t feel amazing for you either, because the latex dries up the natural vaj juices, making your vagina even more of a desert than having this conversation already has.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about coming across as presumptuous or “unclean,” because that’s just a sign that you’re succumbing to his peer pressure. Sure, if I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy and we got tested together, and I was on the pill, and he continued to insist on using condoms, then I might feel the need to question him — like, “What skanks are you fucking behind my back?” sort of vibes. But other than that, it shouldn’t be an issue. And if a guy is so naïve or manipulative as to make you justify wanting to use condoms, then he deserves to be lied to. Just tell him you’re one of those crazy anti-abortion people, and that you can fuck bareback but that if you get pregs you’re having his baby. (And naming it Blue Ivy.)



I have an extremely high sex drive. I’m horny ALL the time, which I have no problem with. My partner and I have been together almost three years now and I really love having sex with him. There’s only one problem: he cums WAAAAY too quickly. Especially in the morning. I prefer sex in the morning because I’m not half dead from a long day at work. I’ve tried everything: blow jobs, different kinds of foreplay, even condoms, but nothing works. Sometimes I just give up after he has his happy minute and go have a shower. I hold nothing against him as he’s not circumcised, and I understand that makes things a lot more sensitive. But how can I make him last longer?

Thanks!
Rhiannon

First of all, if a guy is cumming too quickly during sex, giving him a blow-job beforehand is definitely not the answer. Unless you’re accidentally on purpose scraping your teeth against his dick during it or something. Also, being uncircumcised is not an excuse, as the majority of men in this world still have their foreskin. The bottom line is, if you’re not cumming during sex, and your boyfriend is cumming after one minute, then he sucks in bed and needs to make more of an effort.

I was once in a very similar situation to yours. I dated a guy who would cum at the speed of a nine year old, and I was horny all the time. I would pester him for sex constantly, to the point where he would get annoyed and tell me that my desperate need for sex stemmed from my own insecurity and constant need for attention. I started to worry that I was a sex addict. But then I realized that the reason I was constantly horny was because I was never actually satisfied by our sex, which left me always wanting more. So basically it was his fault, not mine! (As always.)

So, my advice would be to try to transform your sex life so that rather than having short, unsatisfying sex multiple times a day, you’re having more involved, fulfilling sex less frequently. Work out a time when you both have at least half an hour free to really focus and have fun. Then, make sure the foreplay centers around your crotch rather than his. If he can’t handle having his penis touched without cumming everywhere, then hold off on touching it for a while, ya know? Just be a bit selfish, basically. 
 


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Ask Slutever for Jezebel

By Daido Moriyama

Should you put baking utensils up your butt? Are STDs sort of NBD TBH? Read my new(ish) sex advice column, originally for Jezebel!

Dear Slutever, I do not engage in any sexual activity unless my prospective partner and I both get full STD testing. In the past five years, not one woman that I dated agreed to this. Why are so many women against getting tested prior to sex?

Sincerely, Alan



Hmm… that’s odd. I’m not familiar with many women who refuse to get tested. Perhaps the issue is that you’re bringing up the STD testing too soon, or the wrong way. Asking someone to get tested for crotch diseases before you fuck them, however smart, is not the sexiest thing in the world, so it’s important to do so in a way that doesn’t feel confrontational or accusatory. Maybe explain it like, “At the risk of seeming overly cautious, I have a personal paranoia about STDs, so maybe we could both get tested, because I think you’re really great, and I don’t want to ruin sex by being freaked out.” Make it about your paranoia, rather than her possible crabs, ya know?



Another option is to just chill out and use condoms like the rest of the world. Condoms, when used consistently and correctly, are highly effective in preventing the sexual transmission of HIV, as well as most other STDs too. (Although remember to always beware of sores or infected looking skin in the groin area!) Also, to be honest, most STDs that aren’t HIV or herpes are sort of NBD — not good, of course, but they can be cured pretty easily. Like I had Chlamydia once not that long ago, and literally all I had to do was drink this magical banana milkshake given to me by Planned Parenthood and I was back to normal in a few days. Casual!



Given your 0% success rate over the past five years, I would advise to use condoms the first couple times you sleep with a partner, and then once you know each other on a more intimate level, then you can bring up the STD testing. And then you get a joint Netflix account. There’s an order to these things. Good luck!


I’ve been at war for the past three years but I’m coming back next week, and I really need to take my mind off things and want to lose myself in some self-love. I’m in a small town with little access to sex shops, so I was wondering if you had any unique ideas for sex toys I could fashion out of household items, or any tips that would help achieve a great orgasm experience. I really need something to get excited about!

Thanks, Steven



First of all, I think it’s worth pointing out that when it comes to masturbation, the more elaborate your layout, preparation, or even construction, the more stupid and ridiculous you’re going to feel after you’ve cum. Like you know how immediately after orgasm you experience a harsh wave of reality, and you go from being in a soft-focus sensual dreamscape to just feeling like a weird little animal with your cock in your hand? Well, now imagine that but with the addition of soiled baking utensils. Even continuing to watch porn in the moments after I’ve cum feels insane and gross — like ugghhhh, why are they still doing that?! I have to slam my laptop shut, roll over and pretend it never happened.



But moving on, of course I have some tips for you! First of all, horniness makes people crazy and irrational, so you should definitely jerk-off at least once before you plan your masturbation session, so that you can think straight, pragmatically. Then, after that’s finished, head straight to the refrigerator. Food is a great masturbation aid. Who needs lube when you have condiments, ya know? (Free lube sachets in every restaurant!) My suggestion would be to scoop a generous dollop of mayo into your hand, and then start tugging away. The greasiness will increase the pleasure factor by at least 37%. Also, mayo is hot in that it’s sort of “wrong,” due to the egg connection, which makes it more deviant and sexy. Like you’re basically taking another species’ reproductive cells, mashing them up into a paste, and then using that to lube your genitals to ejaculation. #hot



Another tip for masturbating with crap you have lying around the house is to fill a sock with Jell-O, and then have sex with it. Fleshlight smeshlight. I’m almost positive this will feel just as good as a professional fake vagina. Plus, this is actually better because it’s way cheaper, and after you cum you can just throw it in the garbage, rather than having to clean it out (tragic).



I am a 31-year-old woman who has been married for 5 years. We still have frequent and awesome sex, but I have an issue that (oddly) seems to be getting worse with age. I orgasm way too quickly! And then I’m basically over sex. I’ve never had multiple orgasms, ever. I have one gigantic, eye-popping orgasm after about 3-5 minutes of intercourse and then I’m ready for sex to be over. I’m constantly telling my husband to slow down or stop totally during sex so I can prolong it enough for him to get off too, but it’s getting to the point where he’s a little hurt that I can’t “hang on.”

Love, Caitlin



OK… I’m not going to downplay your problem, even though I kind of want to out of jealousy and resentment :)



There is endless literature available on Tantra-related techniques to delay orgasm in men, but almost nothing for women, as seemingly few women have this problem. But don’t fret, we can work it out. Have you ever tried using desensitizing creams? They can be bought over-the-counter at most pharmacies, and though they’re generally marketed for men, I don’t see why they wouldn’t calm down your clit too. Also, it seems logical that if you can’t last very long during intercourse, you should delay the actual fucking and spend more time on foreplay. Hope you like giving blow-jobs! Breathe through your nose. Also, body position plays an important role in reaching orgasm, so maybe if you feel like you’re getting close you should twist your body into a really uncomfortable position, and the pain will prevent you from cumming. Also, I find it harder to cum if I’ve had a few drinks, so maybe indulge in some wine before sex. Or, you know what they say about heroin… j/k!

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Ask Slutever for Jezebel!

Pic @ Jonathan Leder

Read my latest advice column, originally for Jezebel!

I’m a 26-year-old European exchange student currently studying in the US for five months. I have a (relatively new) boyfriend back home who I’m totally into, and before I left we agreed to be monogamous. But now I have a dilemma: I love Chatroulette, and I usually skip over the random masturbating men, but recently I’ve been fantasizing about not skipping over the dicks and engaging in some hot, anonymous Chatroulette-cybersex. Would that be cheating? I want to think not, but I also realize it’s different than porn — it’s an actual sexual interaction with another human being. My boyfriend and I Skype sometimes, but it hasn’t turned into Skype-sex. And besides, the fantasy is more about the anonymity of it. So: cheating or not-cheating?

–G

Well, the concept of “cheating” is subjective, as it completely depends on the boundaries you’ve set with your partner. I realize that probably sounds like moralistic, guidance counselor speak — like as if any couple actually gets together and says, “Hey! Let’s spend the evening drawing out a detailed map of our relationship’s boundaries! BYOCrayons!” However, if you and your boyfriend engage in a reasonable level of communication, then you should hopefully have an understanding of what you both want and expect out of the relationship.

Think of it this way: some people (AKA prudes and religious freaks) think that simply watching porn is cheating. Others consider masturbation cheating, because they support that whole “But what were you thinking about?” argument. (Like as if anyone actually masturbates to the person they’re dating—idiots.) Then, there are people on the other side of the spectrum—for example people in open-relationships—who are totally cool with their significant other taking part in the casual gangbang. Basically, when it comes to cheating, there’s much room for interpretation. In my opinion, the best way to answer these types of moral questions is to reverse the situation in your head, and then think about how you would feel if he did the same thing to you. Would you be OK with your bf jerking-off with some random internet ho? I think the answer to your question lies in your response.

On another note: Bitch, you crazy. Why the heck would you agree to be monogamous with someone you just met, right before you moved to a foreign country for five months?! Five months is sooo long. I wouldn’t be surprised if your vagina sews itself shut by the time you get back. You’re in a new country, meeting lots of new people (AKA a new crop of human dildos), so why limit your potential experiences by devoting yourself to someone you barely know? Do you love this guy? If you do, OK fine, but if not I advise that you wait until your journey abroad is over before putting your vagina on a diet.

Ever since I started having sex I’ve always shaved my vagina without even thinking about it. It may look a bit nicer, but it’s a pain in the ass having to plan ahead and make sure you’re pristinely smooth every time there’s the possibility of sex. I don’t know if I’d like it grown out, but I think I want to try it. But I’m terrified the guy I’m sleeping with will freak out! It’s my body so I can do whatever with it, but should I tell/ask him about it before the experiment begins? Where do you stand on the ‘to shave or not to shave’ debate?

-Reba

Don’t shave. Shaving is for girls in spaghetti strap tank tops who love tanning and have that mysterious type of hair that’s like vaguely crunchy but also somehow permanently wet?? (How the fuck do they do that by the way?) Seriously, every time I see a completely shaved vaj all I can think about is the skin on an uncooked chicken leg—you know what I mean? Like all fleshy and raw, and covered in little bumps. That is not glamorous. When a guy looks at your vagina you want him to be thinking about a mysterious cave of unknown pleasures, not how good it would taste with BBQ sauce.

Shaving is OK for porn stars, because porn is exaggerated and separate from real life (i.e. a realm where it’s totes casual to look into the depths of someone’s gaping butthole), so it’s OK for porn vaginas to be over-exposed and vaguely grotesque. That’s hot in porn world. It’s also fine to shave if you’re a teenager, because teenagers are clueless and haven’t worked out what looks good on them yet. (Also, teenage boys are idiots and generally can’t figure out where the clit is, so it’s probably best not to make things even more difficult with additional hair obstacles.) We all shaved our vaginas in high school, just like we all wore Uggs and got zebra stripe highlights and thought Kelly Clarkson had a “cool, funky style.” But now we’re older and wiser, and this sort of aesthetic ignorance is just unacceptable.

Do not ask the guy you are sleeping with about this, because his opinion doesn’t matter. Listen to me, because I know everything: The premium bush style is a well-groomed triangle. Keep the hair around the lips too — why not? — but remember to wax your butthole for the love of god. For vagspiration, think 80s Madonna circa her Sex Book (#IconicVaj), 60s Jane Birkin (#VintageVaj), Chloe Sevigny (#IndieVaj), and Kate Moss (#ModelVaj). Basically, classy adult women do not shave their vaginas.

Dear Slutever, I am a 26-year-old boy, and though I’m not a virgin, I am terribly inexperienced. I’ve recently started seeing a girl (yay!), however I’ve been having a little ejaculation problem. The problem isn’t that I cum too quickly, but rather that I stay hard all night and can’t ejaculate! It’s no problem for me to get hard, and stay hard, but it just requires too much mentally and physically for me to reach the point of orgasm. Am I not emotionally connecting? Is my problem psychological? Should I find some way to ‘sensitize’ myself?

Yours,
M

There are lots of reasons why you might be experiencing jizz problems. Medically speaking, the condition of not being able to orgasm is called anorgasmia, and it can be brought on by a variety of factors. For example: a lack of comfort with intimacy or physical contact, past history of sexual abuse or trauma, disease, trust or communication issues with a partner, the use of SSRIs (commonly prescribed for depression), or — ta da! — anxiety. From what you wrote, it sounds like you’re just experiencing some nerves. You’ve got virgin-vibes and are sort of freaking-out about it, but that’s fine, because over time you’ll learn things and gain confidence. And also, it’s important to remember that you can still have sex that’s hot and fun and rewarding, even without an orgasm. Duh, us girls do it all the time! (And we hate you for it.)

On another note, have you ever thought about just faking it? Under normal circumstances I would say faking orgasms is a bad idea — for both boys and girls — because you don’t want to build a sexual relationship around something that’s false. However, if the not-cumming thing is really stressing you out, then maybe pretending a couple times will help take the edge off a little bit. And who knows, maybe just knowing that you can fake it, as a last resort, will ease your mind enough that you’ll be able to cum for real. (Although if you are going to fake it, remember to use a condom, otherwise your gf will be all like, “Uh, where’s the smoothie?”)

And lastly, this might be a shot in the dark, but your inability to cum could also be due to over-enthusiastic masturbation. Dan Savage talks about this a lot — about how over stimulation from watching a lot of hardcore porn, or from squeezing your dick too tightly while jerking-off, can lead to problems reaching orgasm when faced with an actual human vagina. In the words of Savage, you have to vary your routine: left hand, right hand, a little lube, a lot of lube, firm grip, loose grip. You don’t want to ruin yourself for partnered sex by using the “death grip” — a fist clenched tighter than any human throat or pussy can clench — during solo sex.

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Slutever’s “Sexytime Dilemmas” on Jezebel!

Photo by Marilyn Minter

The second installment of my new advice column for Jezebel.com (aka the new feminist bible) is up! Now pasted below:

I’ve always enjoyed sex and more recently have learned to practice safe sex. However, the other day I was trying to count how many partners I’ve had in my life and couldn’t do it! I feel like there are people I can’t remember. I also can’t remember who exactly I lost my virginity to, although I know it was in high school. Is this strange? Should I be consulting a physician regarding the possibility that I’m suffering from a sex addiction? If I am practicing safe sex, and not hurting anyone, is it an issue that I’ve “lost count”?

-Sacha



Dearest Sacha,
Most of us can’t remember everyone we’ve had sex with, because sometimes we sleep with people while we’re blacked-out, obviously. 

To answer your question, I do not think you are a sex addict. Essentially, an addiction is a behavior that affects your life in a harmful or negative way, something that you feel powerless to stop. So as long as you still enjoy sex and are smart about it (which it sounds like you are), and your urge to fuck hasn’t gotten so out of control that you’re offering your mouth-hole to crack monsters in the street, then you’re A-OK! Basically, just because you can’t remember everyone you‘ve boned doesn’t mean you’re Tiger Woods. Rather, it probably means that you (1) are kind of slutty and/or (2) have a bad memory. (The latter seems like a definite possibility, as TBH it’s pretty weird that you can’t remember who took your virginity — was it at a blindfolded orgy?)



The moral of the sex story is, as long as you remember to be safe, then you can forget basically everything else. Although it’s probs best to try and remember the name of the person you’re fucking at least until the sex is over. I learned this the hard way, when the guy I’d met 30 minutes earlier pulled his dick out of my mouth and shouted “Say my name, bitch!”, and I had to be all, “Oh… yeah… uh, can you remind me of that again?” Mood killer.





My boyfriend can’t get hard over me anymore and in turn, won’t fuck me. Is this because of his “dietary problems”? (Google diagnosis) I’m the one who feeds the fucker and he still won’t have sex with me! Could it be because I’ve put on 7lbs, or because he’s just not attracted to me anymore? I’m starting to hate that he goes soft after eating me out for 10 minutes. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH QUIET MASTURBATING I CAN DO NEXT TO HIS SLEEPING BODY PLEASE HELP ME!

Kind regards,
R.



GURL, we have all been there! I don’t even want to tell you how many times I’ve quietly masturbated next to a sleeping lover, paranoid he’d be awoken by the dull vibrations of the bedsheets as I nervously flicked my way to happiness. However, on the plus side, these repeated secret masturbation sessions have made me a master of jerking-off with minimal movement or sound, which means I’m now able to guerilla masturbate in even the most public or cramped of places (i.e. on airplanes, in movie theatres, sitting on the couch with my mom, etc.). Seriously, all I need to do is throw a coat over my lap and I’m good to go!



But moving on, there are lots of reasons why your bf might be losing his boner. Impotence is a complex issue, and sex is extremely psychological, especially when you’re in a relationship. Things like this are never as literal as, “he doesn’t find you hot,” and gaining 7lbs is not enough to make someone not want you. (It’s 10lbs, at least.) Maybe there’s something else going on in your relationship that’s causing him to feel anxious or insecure that needs to be worked out before he can properly perform. You need to talk things through with him, but you have to go about it the right way. For example, shouting, “What’s wrong with your dick, you failure?!” is probs a bad idea, as impotence can be caused by a loss of sexual confidence due to a previous inability to get it up. Instead, a good idea is to take the focus away from his peen for a sec. Rather than waiting to masturbate until he’s passed out, why not involve him, and have him watch you? This is sexy, and it will put less pressure on him to please you, because you’ll already be getting-off. Ya know?



Also, just because a guy can’t get hard doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not turned on. Erectile dysfunction is a medical condition, and can be treated, so maybe he should see a doctor. On the other hand (not to be a bummer), there is the possibility that he’s just bored. Sometimes in long-term relationships this happens, which is why it’s good to switch things up once in a while, to keep your sex life exciting. Like maybe buy a new sex toy (like a horse-tail butt-plug, for instance), or do some role-play: you can be the urologist, and he can be the patient whose chronic case of bonerlessness you’re desperately trying to cure. Or something.



I’m 35 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years. We’ve been monogamous throughout and have a great sex life. In the past year we been exploring fantasies and have discovered we both get really turned-on when thinking of me sexually with another man. He says he wants other guys to know how good he has it with me. But now he’s taking it to another level and is naming off people we know that he could see me with. I find this fantasy exciting but I feel he is pressuring me, and I don’t know what to do. I am worried it will ruin our relationship. Please help!

-Glenna



This is a hard one. I’m inclined to say that if you’re feeling pressured or hesitant at all, then you shouldn’t do it. Sometimes fantasies aren’t meant to be realized. Like, I have a serious rape fantasy, although I’m almost positive I wouldn’t want to be raped IRL. You never know — the reality of sleeping with another man might weigh far heavier on you, and your husband, than you imagine. 

However, if this is something you guys decide you really want to try, then for the love of god DO NOT sleep with someone you know. That’s a horrible idea. One rule of threesomeing is that it’s best to fuck someone who is disconnected from your relationship, otherwise you run the risk of majorly complicating things, and instigating unnecessary jealousy and resentment. My suggestion would be to travel to another city and fuck a random internet stranger, this way if it all goes horribly wrong at least it was in a different area code, which means it doesn’t count.




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“Ask Slutever” for Jezebel!!! <3

Self portrait by Sandy Kim

Soooo… today marks the beginning of my advice column for every gurl’s favorite website, Jezebel (aka Gawker’s girly site and the new feminist bible). I’m so excited! Check out the first installment of “Sexytime Dilemmas” HERE. The post has only been up on their site for like an hour, but there are already a gazillion people leaving me hate comments and calling me anti-feminist and dumb and under-qualified and a troll. So maybe you should get up all in the comment box and defend me. Cool? OK. (Who am I kidding? I masturbate to hate comments.)

Also, if you’re in need of some of my under-qualified troll advice, please send your sex, relationship or just general life questions to slutever@jezebel.com.

Update, 24th Oct. – You can now read the entire post below!

Dear Slutever,
So, I’ve been sleeping with a guy for a while now and he recently told me that he wants to give me a facial. He doesn’t have any diseases so I feel like I’m pretty safe there, but have you ever done one, and what are your views on it? I know a lot of people find it degrading (which I kinda like the idea of, to be honest) but I can’t decide if that means I shouldn’t do it. Cassie

This question reminds me of a really awkward conversation I had with my mom recently. I was home for Labor Day weekend and, after downing a couple cosmos, she asked me if I’d ever heard of pussy-whipping. “Like when a girl has control over her boyfriend?” I asked. She responded, “No, like when someone hits your vagina with a whip.” This shocked me, coming from the mouth of my radical Christian mother, but then I remembered she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and suddenly everything made sense. “What are your thoughts on it?” she asked.

My mother seemed extremely confused when I told her I had “no thoughts” on the matter. In my mind, asking my view on pussy-whipping, or facials, is equivalent to asking, “What are your views on can openers?” These are all just things that exist in the world, and we don’t need to take a stance on them. There are certain matters that deserve careful consideration (i.e. casting an actress to play yourself in the movie version of your life); some casual jizz on your face isn’t one of them.

People — women in particular — really need to get over the “is this degrading?” thing. If you have to stop and think about whether something is degrading or not, then it probably isn’t. I understand there are complex emotions involved in sex, so everything isn’t always black and white, but I also think that sometimes girls’ brains become so clouded by bullshit “feminist” ideals — “thou shall not be treated like an object,” “thou shall always be offended by men’s pervy remarks” (as if we are not equally adept at dismissing them, and dishing them out) — that we spoil our own fun. Don’t take yourself so seriously. In the midst of doing something you want and enjoy, why stop and think, “Wait, should I be getting off on this less and feeling exploited more?” It’s pointless.

If you’re having consensual sex with someone you like, and you’re both turned on by the idea of him cumming on your face, then you should do it, duh! It’s bad to analyze these things so much that they lose their spontaneity and hotness (and the rules of “real life” don’t apply in sex anyway, so whatever). Basically, we should all stop being so hyper-aware of the sociopolitical context of our sex lives, and start focusing on other, more important things, like becoming famous.

Help me out here: how and when do I stick my finger up a guy’s ass? A lot of men think that’s off-limits, so I’ve never ventured back there, but I want to massage someone’s prostate goddamnit! How can I make this work? Susie, CA

If you want this to work you’re going to have to be very delicate, and take things slowly. No one wants a dry finger shoved up their butt at random. In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary insanity, which means their guard is down.) This is why mid-BJ is a great time to bring up things like, “Are we official?” or “Can I please borrow your car and $700?”

So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it. It might take a while to “feel out” (lol) if he’s going to be down for butt stuff, but even if your first attempt is a total failure, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never going to happen. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time, ya know? (To be honest, even if you’re someone who’s generally into anal, sometimes you just don’t want someone back there, like if you have to go to the bathroom or if you’re hemorrhoid is acting up or whatever.) Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie! Just think: it took NASA a long time to figure out Mars, but they never gave up and then finally last month they achieved their goal of DJing a Will.I.Am song from space. #inspirational

Also, this is sort of a no-brainer, but make sure your nails are trimmed and that your fingers have some spit or lube on them when you finally go for it, because intra-anal lacerations are not not glamorous.

Hi, I’m 27 and only recently left the church. I’m still a virgin and for most of my life I didn’t believe in sexual gratification, but now I’m looking to have my first self-orgasm. I was wondering, is this a subject you could help me on, or should I just ask someone else? I’m a bit embarrassed and don’t really have anyone to ask. Michael

Well Michael, as you sent me this question via email, I assume you have internet capabilities. The great thing about the internet is that it’s full of useful information, most of which is easily searchable through a popular website called Google. I’m almost certain that if you put “help with sexual gratification” into Google that there will be at least, like, six or seven billion videos of guys “self-orgasming” for you to watch and learn from. But that’s just a rough estimate.

As I understand it, an efficient way to induce self-orgasm in men is to simply hold the penis with a loose fist and then slide the hand up and down the shaft until a milky gunk comes out. This will induce a full-body sensation not unlike that of Jesus shining his love-rays down onto you from the hereafter. Except times ten.

You’re welcome!

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Bullett Heart

The new issue of Bullett Magazine is the Romance Issue, and I acted in a short film they made in honor of its release. The film was made by Peter Spark, Adri Murguia and Noah Paul, and you can watch it above. GOD, shooting this film was REALLY hard for me, but as a professional, I managed to push through.

Also, if you’re unfamiliar with Bullett mag, you should check it out! The issues are themed, and I’m currently OBSESSED with their recent ‘Obsessed’ issue. I’ve taken some pics of the inside of it, to show you what I’m freaking out about.

It has pages that look like this.

It has a page of celebrity head stickers, including hotties Christopher Owens from Girls, Jesse Eisenberg, and Honor Titus from Cerebral Ballzy.

It has cut-out paper dolls of Tavi and Alexa Chung. Actually.

And–brace yourselves–there is a feature in which six of our favorite film and TV characters of all time are resurrected by the actors who played them. So basically Melissa Joan Hart, Rose McGowan, Heather Matarazzo, Rider Strong and James Van Der Beek each write an essay about what happened to, respectively, Clarissa, Courtney Shane, Enid Coleslaw, Dawson, Shawn Hunter and Dawn Wiener, and take up their character’s stories from where the original writers left off. FINALLY… CLOSURE!

And that’s just a taste…

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Being Tragic

So like yesterday I was giving a blow job in the fitting room of Rainbow, and after it was over, as I was swallowing to the soundtrack of Demi Lovato’s “Give Your Heart a Break”, I thought, “Wait… I need to figure out a way to make my life less tragic and more glamorous.”

I think a reevaluation of my existence is in order. For example: Why, at 26, do I still refill soy sauce bottles for a living? Why do I live behind a curtain? Why have I never had a phone that can go online? Why haven’t I changed my sheets since I moved into my apartment 13 months ago? Why do I shop at Rainbow?

Last week I drunkenly left my phone in a cab. It wasn’t a smartphone, obviously, but it sort of looked like it could be a smart phone–sort of like a square version of a Blackberry, or a more advanced Tamagotchi or something–which meant it was at least OK enough to use publicly without looking entirely pathetic. But now I’m stuck with this horrible vintage flip phone from hell, and I literally can’t take it out of my bag without everyone within a 20ft radius of me staring at the phone like it’s a bomb or a syringe filled with heroin that I’m preparing to jam into my arm in broad daylight in the middle of the street.

Is there even a point existing if you don’t have an Instagram?!

El marketing sensorial ha sido abordado por Lluis Torra o sentado junto brain-farmacia.com a la directora general de Pfizer. Del que Lacruz espera que contribuyan a que todas estas acciones sean y a veces tambien han sido diagnosticados con uno.

Not to sound cringy, but I’ve been “recognized” at the Chinese restaurant where I work a few times recently, which you would think would be flattering but is actually awful, because it always happens the same way: I hand them a menu, they look at me sort of weird, they say something like, “Are you that girl from that thing?” and then I say, “Oh… uh, yeah,” and then they make a facial expression which basically says, “Wow, I used to think you were really glamorous and cool but now I just think you’re a tragic noodle slave.” And then I spend the next ten minutes wiping up the soy sauce they spilled everywhere.

Is it possible to be glamorous and poor? I recently had a dream where I was really rich and famous and living in a glitter palace, and then suddenly all of my friends stormed into the room and surrounded me Intervention-style, and they were chanting, “You are a glamor addict! We’re taking you away to glamor rehab!” And then they brought me to glamor rehab where all the walls were painted beige and there were no party photographers or street style bloggers anywhere and no guest lists or VIP areas to be found for miles. My dream-self was traumatized. And then I woke up sweating and couldn’t decide whether it had been a dream or a nightmare.

But moving on, please don’t forget that I’m selling Slutever T-shirts! You can see the shirt being worn by me in the photo above, and being modeled by the hot/brilliant Hamilton Morris below (who, by the way, someone yesterday Tweeted was “too cool” for me–fucking bitch can s my d).

p.s. If you relate to this post and are also on a downward spiral, please remember that a couple weeks ago I wrote a how-to guide of how to be tragic IN STYLE.