Ask Slutever (aka Ask Bunny)

Illustration by Merlin Mannelly

For this edition of Ask Slutever I’ve enlisted my BFF Bunny Kinney to answer some of your pressing/desperate questions. Bunny has shared his words of wisdom for Ask Slutever a couple times before, and TBH he’s impressively good at giving out relationship advice, especially when you consider that he’s a possibly asexual, gender ambiguous, socially awkward depressive. Bunny has also written some guests posts in the past, mainly concerning life in the London squat we once shared. And I’ve written like 500 posts about him, all of which can be found in the archives of this #relevant sex blog. Smile!

I’m a 20 year old gay guy, and to most people I’m the not-so-token borderline asexual gay, which I guess is partially true, because sex is something that rarely crosses my mind. Little do they know I love meeting up with middle aged men and giving them blowjobs. Really impersonal encounters in their cars and in parks, cruising online and stuff. Every time it’s the same: I meet up with a guy, he tells me how great I am at sucking dick, then I walk away feeling guilty and vow to myself to seek out more meaningful sex the normal way, but give me a month or so and I’m back to lurking cruising sites. What worries me is that I pretty much have no sexual attraction whatsoever for guys my own age and have never had any emotional attraction to anyone. I have never been in a relationship and am someone who likes being alone, but not forever. I worry that my behaviour is going to make me old, cold, and lonely like some of the guys I meet up with.  Help! Anonymous

Bunny: I’ve recently been talking to a lot of asexual people I’ve met through various online forums while doing research for a short documentary I’m working on. I actually tagged along on their march at London Gay Pride the other week – you might have seen us, walking awkwardly along and shouting things like “We’re here! We don’t want to have sex with you! Get used to it!” whilst wedged in between a group of middle-aged Christian transsexuals and a lesbian roller derby league.

Asexuals are people who feel no sexual attraction to anyone, but the asexual community encompasses a much vaster range of people who identify in different ways. And as I’ve learned from hanging out with some of them, in addition to “not sex”, their interests also typically include writing fan fiction, watching anime, using the internet, getting cartilage piercings, and talking about being asexual. So basically everyone I did theatre tech with in high school.

Some asexuals are in non-sexual romantic relationships; others eschew from relationships all together. Others hover in a realm called “greysexual” – people who might occasionally experience sexual attraction, or have a very low sex drive, or only experience sexual attraction for people with whom they have first experienced an emotional attraction. There are even a few non-romantic sexuals kicking around the forums – those who enjoy sex but do not want relationships. Kind of like the cokehead one on Two and a Half Men.

My point is, as I’ve found it, asexuality offers a sort of weird window by which to better understand the infinite complexities of stuff like love and sex, sexuality and intimacy. It also reinforces the fact that no matter what you’re into – or not into – it doesn’t make you any less valid as a person or necessarily limit your prospects in terms of finding ways in which you can achieve intimacy outside of the conventions of sexual and/or romantic relationships.

What you’re into now might change as you get older, but it’s also important to accept that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship or feeling turned on by older dudes. And although your psychotherapist might try to break it down for you, as I see it, if who you’re into is ready, willing, and not going to kill you or land you in jail – what’s the problem? And perhaps, if your fears of a future all alone continue, you might try to spend some time with a few of these guys somewhere more conducive to conversation than the bushes near the Arby’s parking lot at 3am and stumble upon that seemingly impossible combination of a person who attracts you physically as well as emotionally.

I’m an 18-year-old virgin starting college really soon. I’m really body conscious–I’m gangly and nerdy and just very shy. To make matters worse I went to an all boys high school and think I might be gay or at least bi-curious as all I watch to jerk-off is gay porn. I have been going through this vicious self-defeatist lifestyle, like I purposely did really badly in my final year, only just scraping through with my SATs. It might be depression but everyone has those days, right? Is there any life advice you can offer me? Life’s really just lonely and boring and I kinda hate the world as a result. Henry

The good news is: high school is over. Gone are the days of changing into your gym clothes in the locker room toilet stalls five minutes before all the other boys arrive. Never again shall you fear out over which table of mutants you’ll be forced to sit with in the lunch room. And no one who isn’t a complete twat will ever ask you about your SAT scores again. The last person who asked me about mine was this fat kid called Jeff Bus in my college freshman orientation group who bragged about his perfect score on the math section and then dropped out a few months later to became a full-time weed farmer. News flash, Jeff, we went to art school. We didn’t even have math classes. But we definitely had classes where you could learn to blow glass, so he probably crafted a few artful bongs and felt as if he finished learning everything he needed to in life and just got on with things.

Anyways, hurray! You are now officially free to be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do without feeling the wrath of a testosterone-charged bromocracy upon you as you attempt to inconspicuously cross the hallway between classes. When I reflect on my formative teen years, I feel as if I was not far off from where you are now. Life was the pits. Cowering underneath my Snoopy-embroidered kimono was nothing more than a clueless, 90-pound child of indeterminate gender.  As far as I was concerned, if the world that waited outside my conservative Christian high school in Texas did not prove to be any less evangelical, jock-saturated or prison-like, I definitely would put some rocks into my pockets and walked into the Rio Grande.

So, this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that “it gets better” because that’s what Ellen told me to do. But the truth is, it doesn’t always. Life is quite often a complete piece of shit, but not without its redeeming moments that keep me interested enough to stick around and see what happens. Existence is plagued with things over which most of us have little control – stuff like who are family is or which high school we go to or our body type or all of the hormones rushing through our heads that keep leading us back to the “solo male J/O” section of xTube –  and although I have always been a bit on the depressive side myself, until recently I had never before considered that happiness itself might be a matter of choice. And I think that if you really want to choose to be happy, you first have to figure out what makes you happy, and then do it. Just be the gangly loser you are, and as long as you’re keeping yourself busy enough with the stuff you like to do and the people you like to do it with in a place that isn’t completely dismal so that you’re not bored and alone and miserable all of the time (just some of it), then you’re probably going to be alright. It’s what I tell myself every day.

I’m a fairly heavy heroin user. I’ve been doing it off and on since I was twenty-one (I’m turning thirty in a few months), and have been seriously addicted for the last five years. I do not use needles (I snort it), but my use is a good deal heavier than most junkies I’ve known. Most of my sexual life has been spent in relationships. From my high school sweetheart on I found myself losing my libido as the relationship progressed, to the point where I would not want sex even though I still found the person in question very sexy. My last girlfriend did not know I was using drugs and a huge part of our breakup revolved around my refusal to fuck her, even not being able to get it up sometimes. I found her very sexy and wanted to be with her but my libido just dropped off a cliff after the sixth month. I now have gotten down to masturbating about once a week just to release fluids and neither my mind nor body crave sex in the least. I enjoy sex and miss it and wonder if there is any problem with me other than the drug use, and if there is a possibility that I might be able to raise my libido without quitting my vice. Alexander

Like science and religion, or ketamine and jello shots, opiates and sex are simply incompatible. Drugs like heroin prolong orgasm – which might seem like a good thing, especially for Sting or males who ejaculate prematurely – but it basically makes it impossible to orgasm, and in the process manages to rid you of energy, pleasure, and the will to carry on. If you can even get an erection at all, after two hours of joyless, robotic humping, you will probably give up, unsatisfied and very sore. What’s a junkie to do? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Well, at least not if you’re in the toilet puking up because you’ve taken too much smack.

I’m fairly libertarian in my view of other people’s drug use, so I’m not going to tell you to stop taking heroin if that’s what you want to do. And I have known other drug addicts who maintain a relative sense of normalcy and functionality in their lives without turning into complete shells of their former selves – although that’s rare and often temporary. But I’ve never seen anyone stick with their addiction without making some sort of sacrifice elsewhere in their lives.

Just as the asexuals showed me, you can have love without sex. But if sex is something you and your partner want and need, then that kind of compromise is going to prove difficult, especially if you are substituting your shared sex life with your private addiction. I don’t think your relationships fuck up just because you can’t fuck your girlfriends – it’s because you can’t commit yourself to your girl if you’re already committed to something else. As Lou Reed once sang (and as I once dramatically reinterpreted for an 8th grade speech class assignment that led to my suspension): “Heroin, it’s my wife and it’s my life.” And you can’t love your girlfriend just like she really needs – completely, with all of you – if you’re going to stay wedded to your wife.

Ask Slutever

Photos by Sandy Kim

I recently gave out some Slutever advice for Oyster magazine’s all-female issue. You can read it below. I also interviewed Aurel Schmidt for the same issue, which I posted a few weeks ago. If you can, get your hands on a copy! Totally amazing girlpower vibes!

1. Dear Slutever, My boyfriend has moved to Berlin for 5 months, but we’ve only been together for 3 weeks. What do I do if he asks me to take my top off on webcam?

Uh… take if off, duh. He’s your boyfriend, which means he’s allowed to see your boobs. Also, FYI, I don’t know what you guys have planned monogamy-wise while he’s gone, but it seems kind of crazy to devote yourself to someone you’ve only know for three weeks for five whole months. No sex for nearly half a year?! Technically speaking, your vagina might sew itself shut.

2. I’ve been on a few dates with my crush, but I find him really intimidating as I think he’s been with lots of girls. How can I be more “sexy”?

Boys have simple brains (especially when it comes to sex) which means they are pretty easy to manipulate. Basically, all you have to do to make a guy want you is to act like you don’t care about fucking him. Show up to your date looking like a babe, but then don’t come on strong; make him work for it. Aloof = sexy. See, simple! (Although TBH it’s not as simple as it seems. I have no fucking self-control and am probably the most un-aloof person on the planet. God, I hate myself, why can’t I take my own advice?)

Also, I’ll let you in on a little secret: sex isn’t complicated. You shouldn’t be intimidated by a guy with more experience than you, because for girls, there’s no way we can really “mess up”. Guys run the risk of not being able to get hard, or losing their boner, or cumming too quickly, so they have reasons to be nervous. But us girls have it easy. The worst thing you can do is to freeze up and get all weird and panicky, so just chiiill. And if all else fails, once you’re getting sexy, just starting giving him head (like praying, fellatio makes more of an impact when performed on the knees), then, after a minute or so look up at him and say, “Do I look good with your dick in my mouth?” They always say yes.

3. How many times can you drunk text a guy without him replying before you delete his number from  your phone?

I’d say once. Max two if you’re really desperate to fuck him, but beware that you might come across as a bit tragic. But I mean, we’ve all been there…

It’s kind of embarrassing to live your life based on advice you picked up from crap rom-coms, but in that movie He’s Just Not That Into You, the Mac Computer Guy says something really profound. He says, “If a guy wants to see you, believe me, he will see you.” And it’s true–if your crush wants to hang, he’ll get in touch. After you’ve sent him one drunk text, you’ve pretty much laid it out on the table: you want to fuck him. He gets it. There’s no other reason you were texting him at 1am. So now the ball is in his court, and if he never gets in touch again, it means he doesn’t want to fuck you. Sad face! #WhateverHeSucks

4. I have blonde hair, and when I wear red lipstick I either look crazy or like an actual whore. Why is this? What do I do? I own so many red lipsticks.

Wait, is looking like an actual whore bad? Says who? According to my favorite sex blogger SugarTits, there are three types of girls: girls who are cute, girls who are beautiful, and girls who have sex face. So maybe you just have sex face, but that’s certainly not something you should be complaining about.

Also, red lipstick with blonde hair is such a classic look. Have you ever heard of Marilyn Monroe? Jayne Mansfield? Gwen Stefani? Did they look like whores? Well… kind of, but that was the point. Also, here’s a makeup tip: although there are a select few girls who can pull off a full face of makeup, generally speaking you have to choose between a heavy eye or heavy lipstick, otherwise you just end up looking like a tranny and/or Christina Aguilera.

Ask Slutever

Photos by Nick Haymes

Dear Slutever,

I’m a 23 year old girl and I’ve always had a very high libido and been fairly sexually adventurous. The problem is, I seem to constantly make stupid choices when it comes to sex. If I’m feeling depressed, the way I cheer myself up is getting dressed up really sexy and going out and flirting with tons of guys, and then usually taking one home. They’re generally guys that aren’t that hot or cool–not the type I would seriously date–and I sort of get off on the fact that they are losers, which I guess is fine, bu I’d be too embarrassed to tell my friends about any of these guys, because I’m scared they would judge me.

I also feel bad because sometimes I fuck guys just because they fulfill a specific fantasy of mine. Like a couple months ago I slept with a Spanish guy just because I had been masturbating to the idea of fucking someone of “his type” recently, and then afterward I felt like I had used him. Aren’t we supposed to have sex with people because we actually like them, rather than because they look like someone you orgasmed to in your head? Also I had sex with two boys at once, and even though I loved it in the moment, the next morning I felt like a total slut and ashamed, and like a respectable woman would never do that. I feel conflicted because on one hand I love being sexually adventurous, but at the same time (and I know this sounds mega cheesy) I get jealous when I think about these girls with perfect sex lives when mine seems to be so unglamorous. lol. HELP. Anonymous

Back in my early twenties, during one of my more intense self-destructive sex addict phases, this older guy I was sleeping with said to me: “The hole you’re trying to fill, Karley, isn’t in your pussy, your ass or your mouth. You need to figure out what’s missing in your life and tend to it, otherwise you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion.” Apparently the statement resonated with me, because I’ve continued to ponder it for years afterward.

From what you wrote about sleeping with people to aid your depression, it seems like you use sex as a way to distract yourself from whatever is bothering you in your life. You feel bad about yourself so you go and fuck someone because you see sex as an “achievement.” Sex makes you feel good, wanted, desirable–afterward it’s almost like you accomplished something. Instant gratification. Well, I can definitely relate to those impulses. It’s almost like using sex as a form of therapy, which I don’t think is always a bad thing, but maybe you should take some time to work out what it is about yourself or your life that you’re unhappy with and make it better, otherwise, as the wise old man said, you’re just going to end up fucking yourself into oblivion. Or getting herpes.

No one has the perfect sex life. What does that even mean? We’ve all experienced guilt in relation to sex, or regretted sleeping with someone, or fucked someone we didn’t really like just because we were horny. If you’re the sort of person who sleeps with a lot of people, these little hiccups are going to happen from time to time. Also, who says it’s wrong to fuck someone because they fulfill a fantasy? There are many reasons people have sex–because we’re horny or lonely or in love or possessive or thrill-seeking or whatever. I don’t think any of them are “wrong.” Who says love has to be what motivates us to have sex? Why can’t we just want sex because we’re bored? A lot of the sex I’ve had in my life I did just because I knew it would make a good story later. Who cares?

Basically, random hook-ups will make you feel good momentarily but in the long run they won’t cure your depression. And in the meantime you need to stop feeling so guilty about the sex you’re having, because as long as you’re being careful then you’re allowed to fuck losers and Spanish people and be DP’d and essentially be as unglamorous as you like, because there are no rules, and if nothing else you’ll have lots of interesting stories to share later in life.

I’m a 20 year old girl and I’ve been having sex since I was 14. Like every other teenager, I spent most of my adolescent sex life hoping I’d remembered to shave my armpits and praying I didn’t queef. I feel reasonably better enlightened now, but am still confused about something: I have been able to give myself clitoral orgasms since I was like 13, and other people have given me them too. But when you (and about every other girl on the planet) talks about cumming, either during sex or on your own, do you mean a clitoral orgasm? Because I’ve tried to have a vaginal one for years, by having sex in freaky as fuck positions, fucking for like a million years, or imagining Tom Selleck’s dick or whatever, and nothing works. I know that some girls can’t, or don’t until they’re 60 (when they have a Samantha Jones sexual turn). But even when I have an orgasm during sex, it’s still a clitoral one (through stimulation), and even though I’m being fucked, the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below. Am I just semantically confused and the world is actually talking about what I’m experiencing when they talk of orgasms during sex, or am I missing out on a whole plethora of orgasmic fun? Mel, SF

Thank fucking god. You took the words right out of my mouth, literally. I, for one, can not have “vaginal orgasms,” or g-spot orgasms, or whatever is it you want to call them (if they even exist). When I cum during sex it’s from clitoral stimulation, either from my own finger (most likely) or from the guy’s fingers, or from getting on top and sort of grinding my clit against the guy’s stomach area. For years I was convinced that every girl who talked about having g-spot orgasms was straight-up lying, however at this point enough trustworthy people have sworn to me that they’ve experienced the elusive g-spot climax that I guess I believe it’s true. Although TBH, in the back of my mind I still wonder whether those people are just fundamentally confused about what they’re feeling and where.

But yes, as you so eloquently put it, “the dickage is just kind of a nice extra feeling below.” For me, on a purely physical level, sex doesn’t feel better than masturbating. It’s actually the other way around, because my orgasms are more intense when there isn’t some idiot distracting me. However sex is obviously more “fun” than jerking-off because it’s interactive and unpredictable and you get to perform and all that stuff–sort of like being in a real life porno! And also there’s the whole emotional element of sex that can add to the intensity of the experience or whatever… although I’ve never been so good at that part, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask about that.

Basically, I think every vagina is different, and some girls were just blessed with talented vaginas that can cum through internal stimulation. Lucky bitches. Unforch, you and I are not those girls, and I doubt I will ever suddenly get to a point when it will just happen for me, because like you I’ve exhausted most of the position/duration/partner sex combos and have had no luck. Or even gotten close.

The moral of the story is: I hate my vagina.

Fucking My Intern

Photo by Bella Howard

I fucked another one of my interns. No wonder I can’t keep them around for very long. It’s awkward to ask someone to organize your external hard drive after you’ve had their genitals in your mouth. That’s just a fact.

If you remember, a few years back I had that goofy teenage boy intern, Stan, who I met at my local supermarket and who ended up briefly moving into the squat I lived in in London. When we met he was living in a depressing, one-bedroom council flat with his grandmother, and I said he could crash with us on account that he did random things for me for free whenever I asked him to–update my blog when I was too drunk to type, organize my underwear drawer, act as my human foot stool, insert my tampons, etc. It was cool for a while, but then I ended up half sleeping with him–or more like quarter sleeping with him, really (I never properly finished anything back then as I was always on so much ketamine)–and then everything went to shit. But then even after he stopped working for me I never kicked him out, because I’m too nice, and so he just stayed around and went on to sleep with practically everyone else we lived with, both male and female. The dirty little whore. (Keep in mind that there were twelve us of living there and we didn’t have a shower.) So he essentially became our squat’s personal, teenage sex slave. But whatever, that’s another story. And one I’ve already told.

My new intern has been working for me for about a month. She recently graduated from NYU, after which she emailed me saying that she would love to help me out in any way possible, noting that she was looking for a fun way to fill her free time before attending grad school at Harvard. At first I rejected her, as she is obviously under qualified for the job. However after she begged me (and showed up for our first meeting covered in bruises left by a fuck-buddy who likes to bite her), I gave in and said OK. 

The intern is an extremely upbeat, busty 22 year old with the sort of long beachy hair and bright white American smile that make it painfully obvious she grew up in California. She talks really loud and fast, most of the time about her future goal to create a cosmetics line free of unsafe ingredients, that doesn’t test on animals, and that contains some sort of nut butter that will benefit the economy of various poor areas of Africa. Or something. Sometimes when she’s talking I think, “Wow, she’s such a good person, I wish I cared more about Africa or whatever.” But then like five seconds later she’ll start rambling about how she recently puked on someone at a rave and I’ll think, “Actually never mind, you’re just as disgusting as everyone else.”

I like her a lot and we’ve become good friends, but to be honest she doesn’t even do that much work for me because since she only graduated a month or so ago she’s always too busy partying to care about transcribing my stupid interviews. Normally our text convos go something like this: “Hey Intern, I have an interview with an adult baby for you to transcribe,” and then four hours later she’ll say, “Sure, no problem! I have plans for the next eight straight days but I can totally do it afterward,” after which I just give up and do it myself. But then last week when I texted her “Hey Intern, your assignment for this week is to help me fuck my boyfriend,” she immediately replied “OMG sounds AMAZING! When? I’m totally availz whenever!” to which I responded “You’re an insane whore,” followed by, “No offense! That’s why I hired you, duh!” to which she replied, “OMG obvs NBD!”

The threesome was a going away present for my boyfriend who just a few days ago moved away to Boston for the entire summer to study some complicated science stuff at Harvard. (Apparently Harvard is “in” right now.) So now I’m sad and alone at my apartment staring at my air-conditioner, feeling depressed about the fact that I’ve literally already watched every (good) porn movie on the internet multiple times over. No but seriously, I’ve been feeling sort of like a desperate, dependent loser these past few days. When did I become this person? Like I keep going through the same thought loop over and over where I’m like, “Oh my god I’m so lonely, this summer is going to suck,” to then later thinking, “Hold on, I’m a powerful, independent woman who doesn’t rely on anyone or anything, I haven’t even thought about my boyfriend in hours!” and then looking at the clock and realizing it actually hasn’t been hours at all, it’s only been twenty minutes and I was napping during the entirety of it. Tragic.

But anyway, those are my feelings. I feel a lot better now that I’ve put them out there for a bunch of internet strangers to read. Feel free to vomit your feelings into the comment box below if you feel so inclined.

Aurel Schmidt Talks Art and Sex

Aurel by Terry Richardson for Purple mag

I recently interviewed Aurel Schmidt for Oyster Magazine. It was for their all-women issue, which also featured Lena Dunham, Tavi Gevinson, Shalom Harlow, Petra Collins, Stacey Mark, Cass Bird, Nite Jewel, Bambi Northwood-Blyth and a bunch more! Check it out, it’s on stands now. I wrote an advice column for it as well. I was really excited to interview Aurel because I’m a big fan of her art, and also partly because @DevHynes and I are always mentioning her in our weekly conversations about the “most authentically cool people in New York.” (Yikes, maybe keep it a secret that we actually have conversations like that…) You can read our chat about art, group sex and jerking-off below.

If you hang out in or around the New York art scene, you’ve probably been intimidated by the presence of Aurel Schmidt at some point or another. Her hyper-real pencil drawings, combined with her intentionally sleazy public persona and signature thick-rimmed glasses, have transformed Schmidt into a young icon. Her excruciatingly detailed artworks are typically decorated with the scraps of her life–stuff like condom wrappers, crushed beers cans, lipstick, Klonopin capsules, and her boyfriend’s chest hair. The result is something at once sophisticated, funny, girly and gross, powered by her incredible technical skill.

Schmidt is from the industrial city of Kamloops, British Columbia. Her career took off in 2006, rising to fame within a rebellious New York art scene led by artists like Ryan McGinley, Dash Snow and Dan Colen. She has since been handpicked by Jeffrey Deitch for a solo show, and was chosen as part of the 2010 Whitney Museum Biennial. At the moment Schmidt is working on a photo book of her husband, singer Donald Cumming of the band The Virgins, as well as creating a new body of work in preparation for her upcoming solo show, opening in London in the Spring of 2013.

What are you working on at the moment?
I’ve been making a new kind of art that’s very fast. Not many people know this, but I’m taking a year off from making the drawings I was making before, because it was getting too comfortable.

What’s the new work like?
I can’t really talk about it, because then it won’t be a surprise at the London show. But I’m having fun doing it, because it’s very immediate. Like if I feel sad and start drawing, right away I’ll be able to see this emotional landscape unfold, where with the old work, because it took so long to make, one part of a drawing might feel one way, and another part might feel totally different.

How much do you cater your art to what you know people want to buy?
It depends. I’m good at making money, but I’m also really good at saying no to people and not giving them what they want, which, paradoxically, I think is a key to making money and being successful. Because if you give people what they want all the time, then what’s left for them to want?

What else is integral to success?
You have to keep having goals. You can’t just hang around with people who think you’re cool; you have to constantly want to expand your peer group–to be around smart and talented people who challenge you.

Have you noticed in New York a common way to insult someone is to call them a “social climber”?
Yeah, everyone says that. I’ve been called a social climber since the first week I moved to this city. But if you’re interested in art, it makes sense that you would want to go to events where you can meet other artists, and become involved with a crowd you actually respect. I think every ambitious person in New York is in some facet a ladder climber, but I don’t think it’s bad. What’s the opposite: taking the moralistic path and waiting for some omnipotent figure to come down from the clouds and say, “I see that you are talented, let me take you to the stars”? That doesn’t exist; it’s a fantasy.

Something I’ve always admired about you is that you seem like a very sex positive person, and you’re confident in your body and don’t give a shit about being photographed naked.
I’ve always taken explicit photos. When I started getting press, I really resented that most of the press for female artists–and for females in general–was so sexualized. As a woman, even if what you do has nothing to do with what you look like, magazines and newspapers will try to create this image of you as the “cute” or “sexy” artist, because they want to sell issues. Whereas a male artist will just be photographed standing in his studio. That’s such a cheesy double standard, so I thought, “You know what might be better than trying to be cute?–just being complete slutty. You want a sexy picture of me? Well here, have a look at my vagina. I’ll just give you what you want right away. You don’t have to wonder anymore.”

Your public persona is hyper sexual, but you art doesn’t seem to reflect that side of you as much.
The art has sexual elements to it, like there’s some graphic sexual stuff within the drawings, like vaginas and dicks and condoms, but it’s done more to gross people out or make them laugh than it is to turn people on. If you want to get turned on by naked people you can look at porn–why would I try to compete with that? I would rather draw new ideas of what I think sexiness is. I love having sex, but glorifying how wonderful it is has been done many times, so I’m not interested in that as much. I’m more interested in the social complexities of things like gender roles, what people find sexy, the taboos around sex organs…

Sex as social commentary.
Right. And sex as something you can create an atmosphere around. I find it weird when people are so set on what they think “sexy” is, as if it’s carved in stone. The standard of what society deems “sexy” is so molded by capitalism–it goes in and out of style, just like everything else. But this freaks me out, because ideally sex should almost be sacred, because it’s free, theoretically. It’s not a commodity, like clothes. Or art.

Speaking of sex and money, is it worth it to buy a vibrator when you can just use your own hand for free?
Well, they can be really useful when you’re lazy, like when you just want to cum because you can’t get to sleep. But you have to figure out what works for you. Sometimes you have to put a piece of cloth in between you and the thing–you can’t just put in right on there.

Good advice. So you have a “type”, sexually?
Nope, I like all kinds of people. I’ve been with guys who are big, small, skinny, I’ve slept with multiple fat guys–whatever.

Have you ever slept with a girl?

That’s surprising, you kind of have lesbian vibes.
I know, people say that. I feel like I’ve had the opportunity to sleep with very beautiful women, but it just doesn’t turn me on to envision going all the way through with it. Kissing sounds fun, but when it comes time to go home I’d rather just find some dude to fuck.

Would you ever want to sleep with a girl in a threesome situation?
Whenever someone I was dating asked me to have a threesome in the past, I always responded by asking, “Could we have sex with another guy?” And they always said, “Eww, no!” But that’s how I would want it to be.

I don’t think guys understand that girls want that.
It would be great! Like when I see double penetration in porn–I’m down for all that. You’re just getting so much attention, and all parts of you are being touched at the same time, it would be such a turn on.

I think the issue with having a threesome with someone you’re dating, though, is that it can create problems within your relationship. I had one friend a long time ago tell me that you should never have a threesome if you’re really in love with the person you’re with, because the minute you look up and see them fucking that other person, maybe it will turn you on, but there’s also the chance that it won’t and then you’ll be stuck with that image forever.

In the past I’ve considered being with other people while in a serious relationship, like having an “open relationship”, because it seems crazy to try to maintain a monogamous relationship forever. And at first it seems great, but then you think, “But what about me feeling abandoned, or scared of being left?” It’s a psychological quagmire, because when you love someone it’s almost like they become part of you, and you project your deepest fears onto them, so it becomes hard to be really tough and cool about everything.

And even if you set rules and say, “We’re allowed fuck other people, but we can’t get emotionally attached,” realistically you always run the risk of falling for someone else.
Totally. Also, I think for guys it’s normal to want to fuck a girl one time just because she’s hot, even if she’s a total moron. But “hot” is very objective for women–it’s not just a physical thing. For girls, if we think a guy is hot it probably also means he’s cool and interesting and has good style–

And is a little bit famous…
Right. So then you’re like, “Wow, I’m sleeping with someone cool and hot and famous… I want to hang out with him more!” And that’s where it becomes dangerous.

In the 70s Germaine Greer promoted the idea that women should start fucking like men, so more objectively–an idea that Madonna adopted in the 80s. Do you think it’s inherently harder for women to view men as sex objects?
A little bit, but I’ve done that, too. For a while when I was single I just fucked under twenty-five year old skaters. Sometimes the young ones aren’t so good in bed, but they’re so energetic and excited to be fucking you that it makes up for it. Whereas some older guys are really good at eating pussy, but their energy spans are really low and they’ve had sex so many times that they’re just like, “Yawn…”

That’s true. Wow, I feel like this has been so insightful in both an art way and a “sex advice” way.
Great, I’m glad!

Ask Slutever for IDLM

Dear Slutever, I’m a fairly heavy heroin user. I’ve been doing it off and on since I was twenty-one (I’m turning thirty in a few months), and have been seriously addicted for the last five years. I do not use needles (I snort it), but my use is a good deal heavier than most junkies I’ve known. When I have the money I can use up to twenty bags a day, whereas most users hover somewhere in the three to four range. Most of my sexual life has been spent in relationships. From my high school sweetheart on I found myself losing my libido as the relationship progressed, to the point where I would not want sex even though I still found the person in question very sexy, and would even at times masturbate to the thought of a girlfriend perfectly willing to have sex with me.

My last girlfriend did not know I was using drugs and a huge part of our breakup revolved around my refusal to fuck her, even not being able to get it up sometimes. I found her very sexy and wanted to be with her but my libido just dropped off a cliff after the sixth month. I now have gotten down to masturbating about once a week just to release fluids and neither my mind nor body crave sex in the least. I enjoy sex and miss it and wonder if there is any problem with me other than the drug use, and if there is a possibility that I might be able to raise my libido without quitting my vice. Alexander 

Well, heroin use is widely known to decrease libido, specifically in men. I know you are asking me for a way to solve your problem without quitting your vice, but it’s sort of a difficult question considering your vice is the problem. I dated a guy on heroin for a while a few years ago, and his problem was that he could never cum. He wanted to have sex, but then he would go on for ages with no orgasm. And you’d think a guy that could last a long time would be a good thing, but I could tell he wasn’t even enjoying the most of the time–he was mainly just was continuing on out of frustration. Our sex would normally end with me having a neck ache and a dried up, swolen vagina, and him being angry. It was really awful and I don’t know why I did it for as long as I did. The fact is, even if you’re a functioning user and can hide it from girlfriends, you’re going to be a sexual disappointment to the girls you date. Girlfriends like sex (duh) so if you’re choosing heroin over sex, then I can see why girls would dump you. So I guess you have to choose.

My advice would be to quit heroin because heroin sucks. I could go into why, however I feel that is unnecessary given the near infinite information available on the subject. And that guy I was talking about before: he’s in jail now and the last time I saw him he has a bunch of red sores all over his face. No one wants to fuck a prisoner covered in sores. Fact.

Dear Slutever, I’m 17 and have my first boyfriend (I realize I’m sad, don’t worry). We haven’t had sex yet which is fine, but the issue is that I can’t get him to cum. Like seriously, how hard can it be?! In a panic I tragically had to Google how to give head but I was already doing what the websites told me to, but it just doesn’t work on him. Could you give me some tips or even a breakdown of what I should be doing. Maybe hand tips too, seeing as I need mouth breaks from his impossible-to-please dick. Kelly 

Communication is totally key in this sort of situation! It’s not weird to ask someone what they want in bed. It would be weird if you were like, “OMG what is wrong with your dick!” but it’s not weird to say, “Tell me what you want me to do… I’ll do whatever you want.” Actually, just saying that will probably turn him on. (Disclaimer: you don’t actually have to do whatever he wants if you don’t want to, but you can say it anyway.) Good communication really does make sex better, I promise, so we should all start talking about sex and what we turns us on and what we love and don’t love with our lovers right now.

In terms of BJ/HJ advice, guys are more visual than girls, so maybe give him some sexy visuals to turn him on, like take your shirt and bra off really slowly or whatever. Also, a good BJ tip (if the guy is lying down on his back) is to get on your hands and knees and place your body perpendicular to his, this way he can look at your entire body while you suck his dick, which is hot. Also if you’re giving a BJ and/or HJ and you want the to finish, it’s important to get into a rhythm with your mouth/hand and not to break from it. So basically at the beginning you can do lots of sexy licking and add in frills or whatever, but at the end just do the same thing over and over. Also, if you’re going through all this trouble for him then he should also be working hard to make you cum too. Just sayin’. Also, just a thought… maybe your bf is gay?

Dear Slutever, Last night my family threw a block party. My (female) cousin was in town partying too. I’m 23, she’s 17 and insanely hot. Shit got boring because alcohol was in short supply, so the two of us went to my room and play Xbox. I kept killing her and taunting her, and she got (mock) angry and started talking shit back to me. Eventually we settled on a bet: whoever dies next has to masturbate in front of the other person. Then she died. I was super nervous at this point, so I tried to play it off as if we were never serious about it, but she (also really nervous) said a “promise is a promise”. This was fucking awesome for me, because I’ve been fantasizing about this girl for years. So she was doing it (pants down, but underwear on) and I had the biggest boner I’ve ever had. I finally worked up the courage to sit closer to her, she kept going, and I leant over and kissed her. And she kissed me back! I felt her boob, she stopped masturbating and started rubbing my cock. Long story short she gave me a blow-job and then we went to our separate rooms. Fucking A. But now she’s really upset. She hasn’t told anyone what happened, but she’s been crying, and asking me why I raped her! WTF! She’s saying it’s statutory rape even if she did say it was okay, and I’m worried I’m going to be completely fucked (figuratively and literally, once I’m in prison for underage incest sex!). What should I do? John, NM  

Jeez Louise, you really got yourself into a pickle. Have you seen that movie The Dreamers? Total incest vibes, and there’s a scene in it similar to what you just described, except they never make it to the blow job. You should watch it though, I think you’d be into it. Anyway, I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with hooking up with your cousin. And I can imagine the “wrongness” aspect of it would make the situation hotter. (And it’s not like it’s your sibling or your mom or something, which even I have to admit is kind of weird.) So, if things went down as you said they did then you are not a rapist. However the problem with fucking 16/17 years olds is that they can always pull the statutory rape card. Selfish little cunts! This is why it’s probably better to not take the risk on the underagers, even though I believe most 17 year olds are completely mentally and physically capable of deciding who they want to fuck with and when. (Why the age of consent in America is 18, I have no clue…) But anyway, my advice is to sit down with your cousin and talk rationally about what happened. Explain that you never meant to hurt her, and that what happened was a result of decisions made by both of you. Talk about how if she started telling people you raped her that you could go to jail for a very long time. Hopefully she’s just a bit overwhelmed right now and will calm down soon. Yikes… :/

Sugar Tits: Teach Me How To Do It

Images taken from the Sugar Tits Tumblr

Recently I’ve been toying with the idea of becoming a stripper. The inspiration came when I was in Las Vegas a couple weeks ago: some friends and I went to a strip club–my first since I was sixteen–and I was so in awe of the strippers and their ability to use their bodies to hypnotize an entire room that I could barely speak. And then suddenly, as I was slipping a $5 bill into a stripper’s thong, I thought Oh my god, THIS is my true calling. THIS is where I belong! It was like a revelation or whatever. So then when I got back to New York I excitedly applied to a few strip clubs. However, when it came time to audition, I got cold feet. The thing is, I know I’m good at taking my clothes off (duh), but I have no clue how to pole dance. Or really how to dance at all. I felt I needed a mentor.

So… I decided to enlist the help of my favorite sex blogger, Sugar Tits. You probably already know Sugar Tits from her anonymous slut blog where she writes about her various S&M relationships, giving out blow-jobs in the public bathrooms of Milan, and (more recently) her life as a stripper. She even wrote about having orgasms mid-striptease… wtf? She’s also written some stuff for Slutever, like this article about her Master buying her her first dog collar, and this article about getting into the stripping business. Below you can read my discussion with her about stripping, romance, and why being treated like shit can be such a turn on.

Why did you decide to become a stripper?
Sugar: Well, last October I went out to a strip club with some friends and one of the strippers invited me onstage, and after dancing to “Marry The Night” I realized how lolz and fun it could be. And also being treated like a whore is a real turn on for me.

Where did you work?
It was this really shitty club way out in the ghetto of Milan where they claim Led Zeppelin went once–they call it “Lap Zeppelin”. It was the trashiest, most perfect strip club I could have ever dreamed of. I thought they were going to make me audition, but when I showed up the guy was just like “OK you’ve got small tits but a nice face and you know how to talk so you’re fine, you start tomorrow.”

Were you nervous that you were going to suck at it?
So nervous! Right after that I went home and watched all these Lindsay Lohan stripping videos to try and prepare myself, because I was clueless, and the next night I went in and all these girls were flipping around on poles and I was freaking out. Then eventually the DJ called me onstage (I used my real name because I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to), but I didn’t realize that the DJ actually directs you–like first he tells you when you can strip, and then when to take your bra and underwear off–so I went up and just took everything off at once and was sashaying around and touching myself or whatever. Then a few minutes later I got bored and walked offstage, and the other girls were like, “Bitch, you have to finish your fifteen minute set!” so then I had to retreat back to the stage like an idiot.

Yeah. And I also didn’t realize that when you get offstage you have to go to the dressing room and put your clothes back on, so I was just prancing around naked until someone yelled at me. So that was embarrassing. The first night was kind of a disaster. But then little by little it becomes easier, and drinking makes it more fun, and stripper shoes are amazing and help you to slide around. By the end I was at least Lindsay Lohan ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ level.

The reason I think I’d like stripping is because the power dynamic seem so hot. Like you’d think the guys are in control because they are paying you to be the whore and take your clothes off, but then the act of paying to see naked girls is sort of pathetic in itself, and the fact that they clearly want to fuck you and can’t means you are really the one in control… ya know?
Yeah, exactly! It’s actually really complex and enlightening, because as you know I’m really submissive sexually, but stripping was the first time in my life that I actually felt sexually dominant. Spending a night in a room full of men that are willing to pay to just look at you naked is such an ego trip. I felt more powerful in that job than I ever have, but also more fucking degraded at the same time–it was amazing, the perfect mix of strong female and slut.

So is it true that you would cum while stripping? That’s so crazy! Kitten Natividad–one of Russ Meyer’s vixens–who I interviewed recently also talked about cumming while stripping; she became famous for it. She said she loved watching guys lust after her.
Honestly Karley, I was cumming like five times a night, it was amazing. And that’s crazy for me because I almost never cum during sex. Mostly I would cum while giving dances in the private rooms, so like I’d be dancing and touching myself but some gross man with a huge boner would be touching my butt at the same time, so it was perfect.

That’s insane. So can you pole dance? I recently got an audition at a strip club but I didn’t go because I was scared I was going to fall off the poll like an idiot.
No I can’t, but it didn’t really matter because in Italy it’s more about seeing a girl naked than about watching her dance. It’s very classy here! In Italy the guys can do whatever they want to strippers–they can lick your pussy or put their fingers in your ass or whatever, they just have to keep their pants on.

Whoa. Most clubs here girls don’t even get fully nude–they wear thongs.
I’m sure you can find some trashy, totally nude place where they won’t care if you can dance. That’s the thing: if it’s more about nudity and touching then they care less about the dancing, and vice-versa.

What was your favorite type of guy to dance for?
The gross ones, for sure. My favorite client was a disgusting old bald guy in a wheelchair. Not that wheelchairs are gross, but definitely the most unlikely male prospects were my favorites–like the really fat guys who you know never get laid. The young hot guys who would come to party would normally be jackasses. And also it was like, if I wanted to fuck a hot guy then I’d just go to a bar and find a hot guy, ya know?

Were you making a lot of money?
OMG, so much money.

So why did you quit?
OK, so I told everyone that I quit stripping because it wasn’t fun anymore, and I haven’t even written about this on Sugar Tits yet, but the truth is that I liked it so much that I had to cut myself off. Like Karley, at the end of it, I was giving out blow-jobs to guys in the private rooms for free because it turned me on so much. Like if I really liked a guy, or if a guy was super pathetic and disgusting, I would just suck his dick. I felt like such a whore, it was so amazing. But the next day I would feel bad about myself, firstly because I was being “unprofessional” or whatever, and also because the whole club could get in trouble if I got caught. And as I started doing it more and more I started having so many personal issues with it that I had to quit. I was afraid I was becoming obsessed with stripping.

But seriously it was one of the best experiences of my life and I have no regrets. I think I’ll start again after I graduate from university, but I think if I’d kept going the way I was I would have ended up getting into trouble.

Sugar Tits: I know who she is and you don’t, haha! :)

So going back to when you said you almost never cum during sex…
Yeah, it’s hard for me. Like I’ve fucked about 100 guys and only my ex-Master–let’s call him Jake–and a handful of others have made me cum.

How did your relationship with Jake start?
Well the story is really interesting and kind of romantic. Basically, I always knew there was something missing in my sex life, and I think that’s probably why I was so promiscuous–because I was “searching for something” or whatever. Then one day about two years ago Jake came up to me at a party and asked if I wanted to model in a shoot for this art/porn magazine that he publishes. So I said yes, and a week later we were at the shoot and I was lying there being fingered by the male porn star, and then out of nowhere Jake walked up and just slapped me in the face. It was the first time anyone had ever slapped me and I loved it. And then that whole night we were making out, and on our second date I asked him, “How did you know I would like that, considering I didn’t even know?” And he was like, “I could see it in your eyes, you’re just that type of girl–you just needed someone to slap you.”

Wow, that is romantic. Tell me about the first time you guys had sex.
It was at a swingers club; he brought me as his date. It was this really disgusting place full of young and old couples drinking, and then he took me downstairs and there were a bunch of differently themed rooms and a dungeon, and we fucked on a bed while these gross guys watched us.

And you ended up having a pretty intense Dom/sub relationship with him, right?
Yeah, I was his slave. He introduced me to that whole world, and it changed my life. The only fights Jake and I ever had were about where “the line” was. See, I wanted there to be specific times when I was “the slut”, but the rest of the time I wanted him to respect me, but it’s hard to draw that line with guys because they’re mostly dumb.

So how did you work it out?
He ended up buying me a dog collar, so whenever I had the collar on I was “his”, and whenever I didn’t he couldn’t control me.

Were you in love with him?
Yeah, I became totally obsessed with him and our breakup really destroyed me. And I hate to admit that because it makes me sound so helpless and weak, but for him I was. I guess there’s always that one person who you’re just a dumbass for. Sometimes I regret Jake being the first guy I had that type Dom/sub experience with, because I think I wasn’t good enough at it yet. When I look back I think, God, I should have been more patient, or not been so needy, or not cried when he whipped me a hundred times or whatever…

Yeah, but if you were more patient or didn’t give a shit then it would have made his restraint less effective. The fact that you wanted him so badly was a huge part of your dynamic.
That’s true.

When I was younger I used to fuck this really dominant older guy, and I swear he liked not fucking me more than he liked fucking me, just because he loved watching me beg. He loved to see me desperate. I remember once he invited me over, and I hadn’t seen him in weeks and was so excited to fuck him, and when I got to his house he tied me up and left me there for hours while he went and did some work, and then when he finally came back he just jerked-off on me and then sent me home. It was SO frustrating, but to be honest I’ve been masturbating to that memory for like four years now.
OMG Jake was the same! He would only fuck me like once a month! And I’d be like “Please, please!” and he’d be like “Shut up, bitch.” But you know, they do it for you. They want to fuck you, but they know that you want to feel like a greedy whore, and that you want some man to be like “You can’t have this cock!” because that’s so opposite to what actually happens on a daily basis.

So true.
And after he ties you up and makes you wait forever, when he finally does come and fuck you it’s the most amazing thing ever, because you want it so badly.

So, so true. Gosh, mind games really work, huh?
I hate to say it but they really do. I think I told you this once, but your story just reminded me of the time that Jake invited me over his house for dinner, and I was all excited, like, “Aww he’s cooking for me! Wow!” And so I showed up and he just tied me up under the kitchen table and made me wait there while he ate by himself, and kicked me under the table the whole time.

But the things about these sorts of relationships is that you need to know that the Dom actually cares about you in order for it not to fuck you up. There’s a fine line between role play and real life.

I think the idea of being submissive is a turn on for a lot of people, and you can fantasize or watch porn with that dynamic, but once you actually experience good S&M sex it changes your sex life forever. Like after fucking that older Dom guy I was scared I’d never be able to enjoy normal sex again.
Exactly! It ruins your life kind of! That’s why I was so hung up on Jake for long–because of the sex. Since Jake, what used to be “good in bed” just doesn’t cut it anymore. It sucks! And I’ll ask guys to slap me and stuff, but they just get really freaked out. We are the minority I think. Like it’s surprising how many guys just want to have vanilla sex, even on a dirty one night stand. It’s like, “Dude, I’m not your wife, I’m some bitch that you picked up on the street that you’re never going to see again and I’m begging you to beat the shit out of me and you won’t do it!”

What is wrong with everyone actually?
Also, if you have to ask someone to spank you it kind of defeats the purpose. Like in theory if you ask a guy to pull your hair he should tell you to shut the fuck up and then do something a lot worse.

You should give men lessons on how to abuse women.
Lol… I wouldn’t say no.

Meaningful Conversations

Photo by Nan Goldin

Do you miss me when we’re not together?


No seriously, do you? Because I miss you all the time.


Even if it’s just for one day?

I miss you when I’m not looking directly at you.

Come on, I’m being serious.

That’s why my eyes water in my sleep–I’m crying because I can’t see you.

I hate you, actually. I was trying to be serious, for once.

I am being serious.

Whatever, you’ve ruined the moment.

I didn’t realize this was a moment.

Well it is. All moments are potential “moments” and you’ve ruined this one.

Well, OK then.

Actually, it annoys me how much of a robot you are. You are an emotionless, condescending robot with no friends. People call you an awkward, arrogant asshole behind your back.

Well now you’re just being a bitch.

Who cares, you’re mean to me all the time.

When am I mean to you?

You were mean to me this morning, you told me that I don’t know anything about anything.

Well it’s not my fault that I can’t reference anything about the current state of the world without you having no idea what I’m talking about. It’s like you live under a rock. You didn’t know about the oil spill until two weeks after it happened. I don’t even know how that’s humanly possible.

OK, I admit not knowing about that oil spill thing was bad, but that was a weird period for me. I wasn’t leaving the house much.

Wasn’t leaving the house? It’s called the internet. It’s called being curious about the world around you and having an interest in things other than your own vagina.

God, you’re such a self righteous prick, I can’t stand to be around you. Just looking at you makes me want to die.

Well that’s unfortunate because I find you so pleasant.



I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. What I said was horrible.

I accept your apology.

Aren’t you going to say you’re sorry too?

For what?

For being an asshole to me! For talking down to me, like you always do.

I did not talk down to you. You wish I did. You are just foaming at the mouth, waiting for me to say something mean to you so that you can be offended and become hysterical.

That’s not true. I find arguing very emotionally draining, actually.

It would seem that you thrive on it.

Well I take back my apology, I’m not sorry.

So that’s why you were apologizing? Just to get me to apologize?

No, I meant it, in that moment. But I expected you to be nice to me in return. That’s normally how arguments work: one person takes the high road and says they’re sorry, and then the other person follows suit.

Well I’m sorry if you, in being overly sensitive, were offended by what I said. But I am not sorry for what I said.

OK well I stand by everything that I said, too–I think you are a condescending robot–however I’m sorry that I said it out loud. That was rude of me.

I’m fine with that.

Dating 101: Sex Therapy

So you know how I give out sex advice on my blog all the time, and how I just generally discuss sex as if I know what I’m talking about? Well, (surprise!) I’m not actually qualified to be giving anyone advice about anything ever. Woops! To better equip myself to answering your (and my own) sex questions, I decided it would be a good idea to speak with the professional sexpert, June Tomaso-Wood. June is a psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy. At the moment she is writing a book about sexual dysfunction, ways to pick up sex drive, how to maintain a meaningful relationship, and how to have the best sex of your life. So basically she has the answers to everything we’ve ever wanted to know. I hope this interview will help to clear up some of the stuff that’s constantly confusing all of us about sex/relationships/life in general.

I get a lot of girls who read my blog emailing me, complaining that they have difficulty cumming during sex. This is a giant problem for girls! How do we fix it?!
June: Let me tell you this straight up: only 30% of women have an orgasm during intercourse. That’s not a high percentage. Most of the nerve endings are on the outside of the woman’s genitle erea. There are 8000 nerve endings on the outside of the vagina, compared to 4000 nerve endings on the male penis. Men are more concentrated on the actual act of intercourse because it feels so good for them, but it’s only the first two inches of the vagina that have nerve endings. That’s why size doesn’t matter, and why foreplay is so important!

Yeah. Penetration, without any clitoral stimulation literally just feels like inserting a tampon on repeat forever.
Right. So what’s wrong with oral sex? What’s wrong with mutual masturbation and digital stimulation?  What’s wrong with getting off in different ways?

I think sometimes, especially when you’re young, you assume that you’re supposed to cum from the actual sex, so you’re embarrassed to masturbate in front of a guy because in your head masurbating is what you do when you’re alone. Also guys watch porn and it (wrongly) teaches them that girls cum just from getting fucked.
That’s what they think, but it’s not true. That’s why women need to get more acquainted with their own bodies, in order to transfer the training to their partner. Just because it feels so good for them to have intercourse doesn’t mean that women don’t need more foreplay and to have the outside more aroused for them to enjoy the intercourse. They don’t get it, you have to educate them. That’s why it’s awful that many women from religious backgrounds feel guilt about touching their own body.

So what do you tell people who have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex?
I tell people to relax, and that it takes training to really have a good orgasm with intercourse, and a lot of stimulation. This is what I suggest to start with nice long foreplay, like oral sex–hello!–and/or using vibrators on the outside, on the clit, to encourage the clitoris. This will make it so you’re stimulated on the outside, which also increases the blood volume on the inside at the g-spot. The g-spot is sitting on the paraurethral gland–it’s like a little seat that the g-spot sits in–and if you stimulate the outside as well as the inside where the g-spot is, with intercourse in the right position you might be able to have an orgasm that way. And if you have a vibrator on the outside as he’s thrusting, your chances are much better. So tell him that. And remember that the nerve endings are mostly on the outside! Men don’t get it!

For me to have an orgasm usually things have to be more slow and I need to concentrate. But then sometimes I just want to be thrown around and just be fucked really hard, and that’s not really conducive to me having an orgasm, but I still like it. So basically I can still enjoy sex even if I don’t cum, if it’s the right kind of sex.
Yeah, but a lot of men aren’t OK with the girl not cumming because they have such egos. And of course you can fake orgasms, but if you fake it, you have to keep faking it, because then their ego is fed and you have to feeding it. That’s why it’s so important to tell him what you like in bed. You can say things like, “You know honey, the other night when you did this or that, that felt really good. Can you do a little bit more of that?”

On your website you heavily promote sex toys. Why are sex toys such a big deal?
The reason I tell a lot of people to use them is because they are a buffer. So like dual stimulators for women, rings for men, vibrators, bullet, etc. They are really good for people who have anticipatory anxiety about sex. At our age this generally isn’t a problem; people are just crazy horny and all they want to do is screw. But as you get older things change and there is a lot of emotion connected to sex. Some people begin to feel shameful because they don’t know if they perform well, and a lot of men lose their erections and whatnot, so I promote the toys as a buffer, because it allows people to focus on the toy and not be so focused on themselves.  

That makes sense.
For example the Bullet is great for a woman’s clitoris, but it can also be used on the underside of the penis and be really stimulating for a man as well.  

What about if you’re in a relationship where you fight a lot? How do you fix it?
I meet with couples about conflict resolution a lot. What I advise is for the couple to pick one night a week where they can spend half an hour with each other sharing one gripe at a time. You should make eye contact, be respectful, and use a good tone–soft and gentle–and then tell your boyfriend something that’s been bothering you, and then you have him reflect back what you just said so you know you’re being heard. And then it’s his turn. And if you allow time for these gripe sessions once a week it means you get your frustration out in a positive way, instead of arguing all week. You learn how to discuss and problem solve and to compromise better.

What if you are both passive people, so you almost never fight, but then when you do fight it’s like a gigantic horrible explosion?
Well, having an argument or a disagreement is not always a bad thing. No relationship is copescetic all the time; it’s unrealistic to thinks it’s going to be heavenly every day. You’re different people, you’re different sexes (sometimes), so of course you’re going to have disagreements. It’s the way that you handle them that’s important.

What do think about open relationships?
I think every relationship is different and if both of you are in agreement and you feel comfortable and you set clear boundaries about what’s OK and what’s not OK, then there’s nothing wrong with it.

Sometimes I think it’s better to be lenient than to put up these crazy boundaries, because then you just want to rebel against them, ya know?
Some people can’t handle that. They’re jealous as hell. Some people simply can’t handle someone having their hands one their woman, and vice versa.

Do you think sometimes a little bit of jealousy can be good for a relationship though?
I guess it depends on what you’re looking for in the relationship, because it can also be dangerous. The thing about sleeping with people outside of your relationship is that you run the risk of becoming emotionally involved. That’s the dilemma. Sometimes you don’t expect that to happen, but damn it, it does. And then what do you do?

So maybe it’s better to deny yourself of something that you want, because in the end it will make your relationship stronger for having made those sacrifices?
It definitely can, yes. But I also think that you’re very young, and that there’s nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality at your age. And even if you decide to make a commitment to someone and have children, you’re married for a long time! So have fun while you can! As long as you’re safe, of course.

Do you think it’s a good or a bad idea to sleep with someone on the first date?
What I say to a lot of the women who I work with is, “What’s wrong with building a relationship and building emotional intimacy by staying away from sex for the first three months?” Now at your age three months is forever, but for women in their 30s and 40s, spending three months in a casual relationship, going out to dinner, seeing a movie, dancing, etc, allows you to build emotional intimacy, and then when you do have sex it will be amazing and passionate. I’m not talking about one night stands or physiological release, I’m talking about women who are serious about getting involved in a relationship that they want to maintain. Then I would say give it a month or two–you don’t have to jump in the sack right away. Get to know them, see if there’s chemistry. It’s not all about the physical. The emotional is important too.

But what about people who are, like, twenty-two?
Well twenty-two is hot! If you’re twenty-two and you are exploring your seuxality, then I wouldn’t advise you to wait that long, of course not. I would say explore and have casual sex, but be selective and be careful, and wear condoms so you don’t get HIV!

One common question I get for my Ask Slutever column is from people who are around twenty, who are still virgins, who want to know if they should sleep with a random and get the first time over with, or if they should wait to have sex with someone they love. What do you think?
Very good question. I’ll tell you a story, the first guy I ever had sex with was a urologist. You know why? Because I really just wanted to get rid of that hymen and I thought, “who better than him to do it?” He was twenty-seven and I was eighteen, so it was kind of nice. It was more about getting rid of it. You don’t always have to be in love to have sex.

I think some people overthink the first time.
Yeah, some people analyze it too much. The most important thing is, if you’re going to have sex, you have to be sexually awakened. You can’t be coerced into it. Your body really has to want to have it. And if you want it, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex with someone you’re not in love with.

When I was young my mom told me not to have sex before marriage.
Oh god, why would you buy a pair of shoes without trying them on?! I know a case in point where a woman’s husband died and she remarried–the new guy was in his 50s and a multimillionaire–and after the wedding she found out he was impotent. She was furious!

That happened to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
I think that’s pretty damn stupid. I mean, come on!

If you’re in a relationship, how important is it to talk about sex with your partner?
Emotional intimacy is extremely important, and keeping a positive dialogue is extremely important in a relationship, and will bring you a lot closer. It’s definitely important to sit down and talk about sex, and what you like and what you don’t like, and what you prefer. And if your boyfriend cares about you deeply then he will want to please you, and visa versa. That’s where the emotional intimacy comes in.

I think sometimes people find it embarrassing to talk about sex really seriously.
Even in your generation?

Yeah. Like I think I almost find it easier to be really grotesquely blunt, and to say things like “I want you to bend me over that table and fuck me,” than to sit down with my boyfriend and seriously say, “This is what makes me feel good and this is what I think you should do for me.” It’s almost “too real”, ya know?
Well, guess what honey, it is real. But that’s what you need to do. And if you learn how to do it now you will have a more meaningful relationship later. You need to be real with each other. And if you can talk about sexuality, which is so intimate, then you can talk about anything.

Do women ever come to see you who feel guilty about violent fantasies they have, like rape fantasies?
No, it’s mainly men who come in with those issues, not women.

How do you make your sex drive higher?
Diet is very important. Dark chocolate: eat it, an ounce and a half a day, the darker the better. The orgasms are amazing. Visual stimulation helps to pick up drive too, or using a kegel exerciser to bring blood flow to the area. If you use that for twenty minutes a day that certainly will pick up drive and make your orgasms better. And exercise improves performance and makes orgasms better.

How many times a week should a couple have sex?
It depends on the couple and the drive of each person. Remember this: the person who has the lower drive controls the sex.

Don’t I know it!

Ask Slutever, AKA Ask Josh (part 2)

Is this a photo of someone you want advice from???

My good friend Josh Rawson from the band The Felice Brothers has, yet again, contributed some wisdom nuggets for Ask Slutever. I’m feeling a small amount of resentment as I post this because I’m afraid that Josh is actually better at giving advice than me, but, as they say, “Don’t hate. Appreciate!” Whatever. Enjoy!

Recently my girlfriend dumped me. Even though we were only going out for six months I really love her and wanted a future with her. I can get through workdays OK, but when I get home on my own it hits me and I get really depressed. One reason she gave for breaking up with me was that I was too nice to her–she is used to being treated horribly. I try my best to treat others as I would like to be treated, to get my friends, family and loved ones gifts, and not to be mean to anybody, because that just makes me feel awful. Are there girls out there that like being treated well, who are nice back? I’m not that good looking and I’m feeling totally unconfident. I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Adam, VT

Josh: Oh Adam, no one wants to be the king of Bummertown, so just take a second and relax. I hate to break it to you but your ex is the worst. And the fact is, it’s true: no one likes people who are nice to them. Sorry. We all want someone who is too cool to actually be nice. But being cool really sucks—looking off into the distance forever, listening to lo-fi post house rape rap trance for a second and then declaring it dead, always waiting for American Apparel to call you back about a modeling gig, pretending like you’re too deep in a dreamy haze to even recognize people, waiting two weeks to reply to a text that simply says “what’s up?”—well those things all suck. Sounds like you really fucked up by being kind. You should just be drunk all the time and make fun of her in front of your friends. That’s some sexy shit. Get over her. You seem like a decent guy. Don’t take everything so seriously. Relax a bit. Don’t be super sensitive. And what’s with this ‘I’m not that good looking’ bullshit? We are all just a mess of body parts. It’s just a bunch of skin and dicks and noses and legs and breasts and hair and sometimes ponytails. What’s the difference? It’s all the same stuff. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that weird looking people get laid on the regs. Watch VH1, those people are the real ugly ones. Everyone has something wrong with them. It’s called being a human being walking around eating, sleeping, trying to fuck things, and eventually dying. Just try to have some fun or something. Listen to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, drink a Capri Sun, and watch the clouds roll by.

Dear Slutever, I met this guy through friends about four years ago. We’ve been texting/emailing pretty constantly since and I’m meeting up with him next month. Already that’s weird because I have no idea why he would wait this long to meet me, but I REALLY like him, he’s my exact type! But the only thing is, I think he’s a pretty major virgin. And I’m pretty much the opposite of that. We’re going to a bar, just the two of us, so I’m PRETTY sure it’s a date. How can I make him want me and not freak him out? HELP! Annie, UK

Wear a Kangol hat like LL Cool J. Tell him all about how taking gluten out of your diet really changed your life. If there’s any awkward silences immediately start freestyling. Type out a list of your sexual history. Get a little poetic with it but don’t bog down the prose too much. The real point is to intimidate him. Fear is an aphrodisiac. Keep freestying even if it’s not going well. Maybe throw in a couple Rick Ross verses he might not notice.  Tell him you wish the movie the Bucket List had “more fucking” in it. Or just act how you normally act and I’m sure it will go fine. You guys will laugh and drink and hold hands at the perfect moment and kiss with your eyes closed.

I’m 17, a senior in high school, gay and boyfriendless. My question: how do you meet people on the internet? How do you establish a real good connection? There is a super sexy man who lives in the UK who I want to have a long distance relationship with, but I’m afraid that if I make the wrong move I will blow any chance ever. What do I say? Do I just send him an email!? Also, there is the problem of my age. Should I lie and say that I’m already 18? I’m turning 18 in June, so it’s not like it’s a big deal or whatever, but I don’t want to scare him away. I have also never had a boyfriend before, because none of the gay people I know are good enough for me. I feel like if I miss my chance I will not have a boyfriend for a very long time. He is everything I want and need and I will not find another man like him for a long time. What do I do!?

1. Type in “meet people on the internet” into Google.

2. Establish a real good connection by sending him blurry mysterious photos. Type things in an email. Type sentences. Type sentences that end with exclamation points so he knows you are psyched. Type sentences where the grammar is so bad that they could mean many different things. Type those smiley face things ;(  at random. Type XXs. Type lots and lots of Xs, fill entire emails with them. Make the subject “establishing real good connection”.

3. Say “let’s not blow any chance ever obvs,” for good measure.

4. Write him an email. See answer 2 for more details.

5. Scare him. Tell him your real age.

6. Everything you want and need may not have to do with sending emails to strange English men on the internet. Just guessing.

7a. Hanging out with people in real life is kinda cool.

7b. It’s actually cooler cuz you can high five with real people. Share snacks. And like be outside with them. Near trees. Maybe a waterfall. Oh yeah you can gaze at a waterfall while holding hands. You gotta try that shit. Unreal. You’ll totally not even wanna check your email. You’ll just be like “Damn those birds be singing real pretty right now. These butterflies colors be fucking my head up for real. Oh I like you squirrel. Fuck Craiglist.”

8. You’re 17, I’m sure you will meet more people. It’s at least a possibility.

9. This whole thing kinda seems like a bad idea.

10. Don’t write him an email. Disregard answers 2, 3 and 4.