I recently did an in-conversation for NTS radio at MoMA PS1. I sat down with journalists Daryoush Haj-Najafi and CrackStevens, and we talked about sex and relationships in the modern world, and how to start a blog. And I also just ranted about my life :) If you want to listen to my voice while you work/masturbate, click the play button below:
Ask a Sex Researcher
Dr. Zhana weighs in on whether you can force your boyfriend to be monogamous, and how to have an awesome sex life after herpes.
Sex Parties and Non-Monogamy
Last weekend I went to my first ever sex party to do some “research” on non-monogamous relationships. Ya know, I think those orgy people might be onto something… Read my new Breathless for Vogue HERE :)
Nymphomanic and the Obsession with Sex Addicton
My latest Breathless column for Vogue discusses Nymphomaniac, and where one draws the line between just being really horny and having a legit problem… READ HERE :)
Am I Normal? – Sensible Swinger
Alice is a 31 year old psychologist from Eastern Europe, currently living and working in New York. She is in an open marriage, and both she and her husband are very active in the NYC swinging community.
You’ve been with your husband for four years, married for three. How did you guys meet?
Alice: We met in the swinger world–through a couple who we were both fucking separately. We wouldn’t have been married if I didn’t need a green card. I would still be with him, of course, but I’ve always thought marriage was a stupid institution. I still do, although it was very useful.
So were you “open” from the beginning?
Yeah, there was never any expectation of monogamy. He’s been a swinger his whole life. I’ve been very unsuccessfully monogamous my whole life.
I feel you. That shit is hard!
It really is! That’s just not who I am. I tried to be monogamous twice–once in a long-term relationship with a man, another with a woman–and I failed miserably both times. In both cases, my partner was older than me, and they tried to convince me that when you really love someone you don’t want other people. And I thought, “Well, they’re older and wise than me… what do I know? I was 17, 18, 19, so I figured I’d try, but I cheated so much. So, after the second relationship ended I thought, “This is stupid, I‘m never promising monogamy to anyone ever again.”
Also, I’ve found that sometimes the restrictions of monogamy make you want to be even more crazy.
Yeah, it just wasn’t for me. It had nothing to do with my feelings for those people–I loved them very much–but I just needed to get laid by other people. Restricting myself doesn’t make me happy, and it doesn’t make me love my partner any less.
Do you get jealous?
I don’t. I really don’t know what jealousy feels like and I hope I never do. If anything I’m like, “Go for it!” I feel happy for my partner when they hook-up.
See, I’m jealous that you can even say that. I wish I was more sociopathic, but unfortunately I do feel possessive sometimes, which is an issue in my open relationship! But anyway, I imagine you must feel very secure in your relationship to feel free of jealousy. If you felt threatened that your husband might leave you for someone else, that might change, right?
Security is critical. But it’s also largely about confidence–confidence in your own self and self-worth. I know that I’m a good, valuable person, and that’s big. I know that even if my husband left me for someone else, I’d be fine. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. We’re together because I think he’s the best possible partner for me right now, and I’m the best possible partner for him right now. If at any point, for whatever reason, he stops thinking that, then he stops being the most perfect partner for me, because why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t think of me first?
Very true. Does your husband ever feel jealous?
He struggles with it a little. It’s a personality thing–some people are just more emotional and get attached more easily than others. I also think it’s a biological thing. You just have to know yourself: even though some people want to stay unattached and be casual, as soon as something happens–especially if they have sex and have an orgasm–then they have all of this oxytocin running through their body, and people who are very susceptible to oxytocin start thinking, “Oh my God, is he going to call” or “Could this work out? Could he be the one?” even if it was a one night stand. While other people can just be like, “pffffft.”
That’s funny–in one of the episodes of my VICE series I interviewed my friend Leah, a neuroscientist at Rockefeller, about what makes people fall in love, and she said something like, “When you have an orgasm the brain releases of oxytocin, which is a chemical that helps to form and sustain love.” And I was like, “Wait… maybe that’s why I can have so much sex with dudes and rarely get attached–because they never make me cum. But my girlfriend is crazy good at making me cum, and I’m hooked.”
Thats so funny. So you have a hard time cumming with men?
I do, although in the past couple years I’ve gotten way better at it. But sometimes I’ll just masturbate while I’m fooling around with a guy, and I still count that as “cumming during sex.”
Yeah, that still counts. It doesn’t have to be them giving you the orgasm–it’s a situation where they’re involved. It seems that what oxytocin actually does is it ties the emotions of pleasure and euphoria with the memory of the person with whom you experienced this positive, pleasurable thing.
Oh wow. So if you cum during an orgy, it’s really confusing, basically.
Yep! Very true.
So what are the boundaries of your relationship with your husband?
Well our initial rule was that we could play with other people together but there were no restrictions when we were apart. But then my husband instituted a zip code rule, so basically we can only play separately with other people when we’re not in the same city. He needed that because he’s not as secure in himself or our relationship as I am. But when he instituted that rule I was like, “That’s fine, as long as we can take breaks.” So now every 4 to 6 weeks we take a break from each other for a week or two. He goes to the midwest for work a lot, so breaks are not hard. But now that we’ve been together for a while, and he feels more secure in our relationship, he’s started to relax a bit. And I certainly don’t impose that rule on him–he can play with whoever he wants, whenever he wants.
Really? But isn’t that unfair if he’s imposing that rule on you?
It’s not exactly equal, but I know he’s doing it because he wants to be mean. It’s because he can’t handle it. But it doesn’t make any difference to me, so I want to give him that freedom. If he wants to get a midday blow-job, he can go for it, even if I’m in town. And I know that eventually he’s going to be able to give me that freedom, too. It’s a process. He’s 44 and for his entire life he’s been the one who’s more open in his relationships. The he met me, and now he’s the one trying to catch up.
Do you and him have threesomes with other men?
Yep. He’s not bi though, so they’re very heterosexual threesomes where both guys are very focused on me.
That so cool. So, where do you meet other swingers? Do you go to swingers parties in New York? Can you name a good one?
I do, I’ve been to many different sex parties. Hmm… there’s the Chemistry party in New York. They always have some sort of show, like a burlesque show, and there’s a DJ and catering. All of the good on-premise sex parties are kind of expensive–for a couple it’s like $150 or maybe more. But for single women it’s a lot cheaper. Most of these parties are bring your own booze, because you can’t have full nudity and sell alcohol in the same establishment in America. There’s also many online communities where you can meet swingers, for example Swinger Nation Ireland.
So these swinger parties start with eating, drinking and maybe a show, and then people just start fucking all in one room?
Well, it depends, but usually there’s a socializing room where people start making-out on the dance floor, and then you move into other rooms where there’s beds and stuff. Although you could technically have sex in the socializing room as well.
And how many people attend, roughly? And are they mainly hetero couples and lesbians?
Again it depends, but there are usually about 100. There’s almost never gay male couples. The swinger world is very heteronormative for males and then bi for women, so almost all of the women are bisexual, and almost all of the men are heterosexual. And there are actually not many lesbian couples either. And many parties won’t allow single men at all.
So at the risk of sounding superficial, what is the quality of the people at these things, looks-wise?
Different parties have different mixes, but I’ve usually found that I’d consider fucking about 20% of the group, and the other 80%, well…
That’s not bad.
Yeah, that’s still a lot of people. But remember, even if you like someone, they have to like you back! So it’s often difficult to find a good match, especially if you’re a couple.
What was your first swinging experience?
Well I had my first threesome when I was 13.
What the…?!
Yeah, I was precocious from the very beginning. I hung out with an older crowd, and I got into a lot of trouble early because I looked mature early, but it was all fun all great, and I’m glad I did everything that I did. But yeah my first threesome was with my boyfriend and another girl when I was thirteen, and I had my first MMF a year after that with two random actors guys–really hot. So this is something I’ve been doing my whole life. I never made a decision to become a swinger–that was just a term I applied later on.
What about your first sex party?
I lived in Berlin for six months before moving to the states, and my fuck-buddy and I would go to this sex club called the KitKatClub. I love that place–it’s very different from any sex party I’ve been to in the U.S–there were straight, gay, trans people, disabled people, kinky people, non-kinky people there. It was very inclusive. And there would always be a big crowd around my friend and I, watching us.
The only thing that worries me about sex parties is someone taking my picture with their phone.
No, no, that’s almost never allowed. Most events won’t allow pictures whatsoever, while some will allow pictures with consent.
Is there heavy security at these things?
Not really. Everyone just polices everyone else’s behavior. Usually guys are not allowed to touch women without consent, and at some parties guys can’t even approach people alone. Condoms are something you don’t even talk about–it’s understood by everyone that for vaginal and anal sex you always use one. Although for oral sex no one uses condoms,
So do huge orgies happen, or is it more like small groups?
Sometimes big orgies develop, sometimes people just have sex with the person they came with, but most often people play with one or two other people. And sometimes a gangbang situation will happen if single men are allowed. You should just come with me one day, and see for yourself!
:)
Three’s a Crowd: Can an Open Relationship Work?
The latest installment of my Breathless column for Vogue is up now! It’s about the trials and tribulations of my current open relationship. Over sharing! Woops…
You can read it HERE!
Huff-Post Live: Sluts Have No Friends
Today I had the pleasure of being a guest on Huffington Post Live for the second time, this time to discuss a new study showing that everyone hates sluts, basically. The study came out of Cornell University, and found that women who have had 20 or more sexual partners by their early twenties have a much harder time making friends with other women, even other promiscuous women. Huff-Post wanted to know, “Why are women continually punished, even by each other, for enjoying sex?” On the panel with me were Zhana Vrangalova, a doctoral candidate at Cornell University and author of the study under discussion; Ella Sage, author of imnotyourgirlfriend.com; and Joanna Silber, a student at the University of Essex and the head their feminist organization.
The conversation was really enlightening. You can watch the 20 minute segment HERE!
Vogue, and the Lusty Female Brain
I wrote an article for Vogue about the female sexual imagination, which I have now re-posted below. Technically the article is a response to Will Self’s response to an article a guy wrote about how men think about sex all the time. If that makes sense.
It’s a pretty standard notion that men are born with bestial instincts and perverted minds, and that women are their more pure counterparts. I find this really funny. Just last week, Andy Hinds caused some commotion on the Internet for his Slate article, in which he confessed to being overwhelmed by sexual thoughts that “objectify women.” In response, the British writer Will Self wrote a piece for Vogue last week agreeing that yes, heterosexual men do imagine sex with every woman they see, and what of it? It surprised me that neither article acknowledged the female lascivious imagination. So I would just like to point something out: We think about sex a lot too.
It’s no secret that the modern world is supercharged with sexual provocation, from TV to music to fashion. For example, Rihanna’s stage show often involves her giving a lap dance in a leather harness, essentially dressed as a dominatrix. And just walking around New York these first days of summer, the streets are already a sea of microshorts and crop-tops. Sexuality—especially female sexuality—is everywhere, and as a result it’s no surprise that men fantasize about sex all the time. But why would anyone think that this excess of erotic imagery affects men alone?
Women have a cosmic sexual power. Don’t think we don’t know it. When I walk outside in a low-cut top, I know exactly what I’m doing and the effect it has on those around me. Just because the woman on the train seems to be engrossed in her book doesn’t means she’s not fully aware of the height of her skirt on her thigh. “Thinking about sex” does not begin and end with a male fantasy of bending the cashier over the register (although women also dream of dragging the hot waiter into a bathroom stall). Sometimes simply being conscious of the erotic potential of every situation, and the effect we have on men, is in itself a form of sexual consideration.
In the seventies, men wore tight trousers that highlighted the outline of their manhood. More recently, however, the idea of male sexual display has been usurped by gay culture, and as a result, straight men today are rarely so explicit. Perhaps men think that by not showing off the goods the female mind is kept more pure. If only they understood that women, in all our complex psychosexual glory, are aroused by things far more subtle than the sight of a penis. Seeing a man wearing a starched oxford shirt might trigger a memory of her father, which itself becomes a weird turn-on. Sometimes just the sound of a stranger’s voice gets me going. Humans have the ability to sexualize almost anything, and lust is part of the minds of men and women alike.
As the ever-controversial feminist Camille Paglia said, sex is about “animality and artifice, a dynamic interplay of nature and culture.” If men are more often the animal, howling in the streets with their tongues dangling from their mouths, then women have more guile. Not to let the cat out of the bag, but a lot of our aloofness is very calculated. For both sexes, indifference is the key to sexual power, for as soon as a man gets a thirsty eye, he’s not getting laid. But if men actually believe that women rarely think about sex, that’s only proof that our long con has been effective.
Vice Slutever Show, ep 2 – “Polygamy: Lolz or Nolz”
The second episode of the Vice Slutever show is up! (Here is ep 1 if you didn’t catch it.) This week we explore the wonders of Polygamy and meet a Facebook cult leader with over 250 wives.