The moment no one was waiting for is finally here: I wrote about butt sex for Vogue. Chic? Is butt send on trend now? Is there a “right way” to do it? To find out, read my latest Breathless HERE :)
Celebratory Masturbation
May was national masturbation month. If, unlike me, your Facebook friends aren’t almost exclusively feminist bloggers and people who make vagina-based art, your FB feed may not have informed you of that important fact. In celebration, my new article for VICE lists some of my favorite facts and musings on the subject. Read it HERE :)
Breathless: Does Size Matter?
Have you ever boned a small peen? Does size matter, or is it just one of those “issues” we are taught to care about? How small is too small? Also, how many penises can a normal female mouth fit into itself at one time? I answer almost all of those questions in my most recent Vogue column. Read it HERE!
Ask Slutever: How Does One Lesbian?
Pic from the new erotic publication Fetishisms Manifesto Vol 1
I’m 21, living in Wellington New Zealand, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m actually a lesbian. So… how does one go about lesbianing? I’ve told my friends about my lesbianonic intentions, and honestly everyone gives like zero fucks and is like “grrrl, go get that pussy,” but how do I actually embark on that? I want to bone someone who looks like they could be in Haim, or like Jemima Kirke and/or Krysten Ritter. Personally I’m average build with big boobs, I suppose I’m “medium girly,” and I mostly dress like a hipster librarian, but when I go out I take the Joan Holloway vintage dress route. I don’t know any lesbians to give me a lesbian makeover, à la Slutever on Vice, and subsequently don’t know where to start. Help! Vaj Confusion
First of all, congratulations! Right now is such a glamorous time to be a lesbo. Your style sounds amazing and I certainly don’t think you need a makeover. I know on the “Grey Area” episode of my VICE show I got a lez makeover, because I wanted to look more gay to increase my chances of getting with a femme lesbian. I think often, when we think of lesbian couples, we think of them having a “masculine”/feminine dynamic, the same way that straight couples do–aka you have the more girly partner, and then you have the more tomboyish or androgynous or butch partner. But this, of course, is not always true. The lesbian writer Amy Coopes had something great to say about this, in an article she published debunking “urban legends about dykes.” I’ll share what she said with you:
MYTH: ONE OF YOU IS ‘THE MAN’
Unable to process anything outside of the ‘me Tarzan, you Jane’ gender binary, many straight folks (and some queers too, mind) find it hard to comprehend a relationship that doesn’t have a masculine-feminine dynamic. I’m not talking about Judith Butler’s gender-as-performance or butch-femme roleplay – I mean the flat-out misapprehension that a legitimate relationship has to have someone in a male role. If I had a dollar for every person who, usually in drunken conspiratorial tones, asked me who was ‘the man’ in my relationship I’d be wealthy enough to pay La Butler to accompany me to parties and bitchslap some sense into people. Gender is not innate, it’s fluid, and it shifts from relationship to relationship and even within the same relationship over time. When people (usually dudes) ask who the man is, they are either wondering who takes charge or, more often, they’re wondering what you do under the covers. Memo guys: it’s none of your business.
However… I will say that in my own personal experience with girl-on-girl hook ups, and from having hung out in lesbian scenes in NYC and London, I’ve found that style and appearance does play a role, in a different and perhaps more significant way than it does in heterosexual hook-ups. Now, I’m going to try to explain that in a way that avoids making any offensive blanket statements, but I understand that I’m about to step onto treacherous ground, mined with stereotypes…
First, I’ll give you a personal example: In my current relationship, I do feel like “the girl”–aka I wear dresses and makeup and order salads at restaurants and cry about my feelings. And my girlfriend, who’s an androgynous/tomboy type, definitely likes to be “the boy” in a lot of ways, for example she wears mens clothing and boxers, she pulls out chairs for me and stuff (for realz!) and when we have sex she’s dominant, she penetrates me far more often than I do her, and when we occasionally decide to use a strap-on she’s the one who wears it. This, of course, is just my own personal relationship experience, and is in no way “the right way” or “the only way” do things in a lez couple, but I’m trying to illustrate that our dynamic, or one similar to ours, is fairly common in lesbian couples. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy all the girly things about my girlfriend (obviously, or I’d just be dating a dude). I love her boobs and going down on her, and the fact that we can go bra shopping together, and that we can share yeast infection medication and lots of other sexy romantic stuff like that. But I also do enjoy that within our relationship I still get to play a very feminine role.
I’ll give you another example: I have a female friend here in New York who’s into girls, and she looks very feminine, and she’s constantly complaining that she finds it hard to get the types of girls she likes. She says that in New York the butch/femme dynamic prevails, making her an anomaly. She’s always saying, “Do I seriously have to put on a fucking denim vest and wash off my lipstick in order to get a bombshell to fuck me?!” And for a while she actually tried it–the whole denim vest and no lipstick thing–but eventually she was like, “Eww, I fucking hate denim vests, fuck this, I’m moving to LA.”
Apparently, so I’ve heard through the lesbian grapevine, Los Angeles is a magical place where all the lesbians are lipstick lesbians and love it, and girly-girls bone girly-girls all day long. Considering that I don’t even know what the lesbian scene is like in Wellington, I may have just gone off on an irrelevant tangent, sorry! However, I do find the dynamic of lesbian relationships to be interesting, and it’s something I’ve wanted to write about on this blog for a while. And you did ask me a question about style. And so now I have something else to say about style, because I do think your style will affect your new gay dating life in yet another way, different to the one I already mentioned. OK, so:
You are a lesbian who effectively dresses like a “straight girl.” When you are out in the world, the average passerby or person you meet in a bar will most likely process you as a straight women, because you dress femininely, and because that’s just how our hetero-normative world functions. However, that means that other lesbians–feminine or otherwise–may not know you’re a lesbian, and therefore may be less likely to hit on you. Historically, this is why people of various subcultures have chosen to dress in a way that clearly labels them as such–it’s a way of advertising to other people within that subculture, “Hey, look at me, I’m like you!” There’s a reason leather daddies where leather and why a lot of lesbians have short hair, and why girls who wanna get boned go out wearing vagina-length skirts–the way we dress is a way of advertising who we are and what we want to the rest of the world, and every time we get dressed we are selling ourselves. (I talked about this once before in an article for Vogue if you want to check that out.)
Basically, you’re a lot like me. We’re both the type of girl who wants to fuck other girls, but who isn’t manifesting that desire physically, through our style, in the most obvious way. And what that means is that we have to be a little bit more aggressive about that desire in other ways. For example, you should definitely start hanging out at lesbian and gay bars and events. That is certainly the easiest first step. And when you’re there, you should be assertive–be the one to start conversations, dance with people, give sexy eyes, whatever. Because remember, even if you’re at a gay night, if you’re in a dress and makeup, people might just think you’re a fag hag. But don’t fret, you can flirt your way out of that one! And why not join OKCupid or another dating site as a lesbian? No harm or shame in that. And also, don’t be afraid of hitting on straight girls, because they can be turned very easily :)
Oh, and if you’re asking me how to hit on or actually have sex with girls, well… that’s a whole other story. But the advantage here is that you are a girl. Treat other girls how you would want to be treated–be sweet, charming and complimentary. Girl-on-girl sex is weird (but also very exciting) because it can be done in like a million different ways, but discovering that, and finding out what works for you and your parter, is a huge part of the fun, so I’ll let you handle that bit on your own.
Breathless: How Important is the Big O?
The latest installment of my Breathless column for Vogue is about, you guessed it– ORGASMS! What are they, where do they come from, and do they serve them at bars? Also, what’s “strategic lesbianism”? To find out all this and more, click HERE!
Future Sex Love Sounds
I get a lot of vibrators in the mail these days–a perk of being a “sex writer” (barf). I appreciate all the gifts, but I think my clit is potentially becoming desensitized. I’m scared that if I keep going on this way, pretty soon I won’t be able to make myself cum using my own hand. Is that possible? I guess I could Google it, but I’m too lazy. Feel free to make unresearched speculations in the comment box below.
The strangest vibrator I’ve received thus far is definitely the Hello Touch by Jimmyjane, pictured above. It’s very Terminator-hand meets ET meets Spaceballs, set in a retro idea of the future. The way it works, as you can probably guess, is that those little pads on the finger tips vibrate, allowing you to stroke either yourself or your parter normally, except with added vibrating goodness. According to the package, the resulting sensation is “supernatural.”
When I first opened the box I was like “WTF is this?” Obviously. Despite having other Jimmyjane toys that I really love, I just couldn’t reconcile the idea of having sex with a battery pack strapped to my wrist. It just felt a bit too un-cute, if you know what I mean. However, a couple days ago my gf and I decided to give it a try, mainly because we were both really hungover and thought it would be lolz. (And also because we were too nauseous to go down on each other. Eww?)
She strapped the thing on first. As she used it on me I was pleasantly surprised. The feeling wasn’t wildly distinguishable from most other vibrators I’ve used, but what was great was that she could easily touch more than one part of me at once, without having to juggle two vibrators at the same time, which I suppose would be the alternative. Also, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can even stick the thing inside you and put the pad on your g-spot. (And I use the term “g-spot” very lightly, as I’m almost positive I don’t have one.)
After a few minutes I got impatient and strapped the thing on my own hand. (But not before washing it first! Lesbos should have safe sex too ya know!) This was when things got really fun. Here’s why: When you put the machine on, the vibrations of the pads numb your fingers, and as a result you can touch yourself without it feeling like it’s you who’s doing the touching. Does that make sense? Like because your hand is numb, it creates the feeling that you’re being touched by someone else, rather than by your own hand. It’s really strange, but also feels amazing. (Almost… supernatural? Lol)
One small downfall to the Hello Touch is that the sound it makes is kind of annoying. It sort of sounds like when a fly gets trapped between a screen and a window. Although most vibrators sound annoying, to be fair, and at least this one is on the quieter side, especially for how powerful it is. Seriously, why are so many vibrators so loud? I have the Rabbit but I can’t bring myself to use it. It makes me feel like I’m masturbating inside a blender.
Overall, if you can get over the cyborg aspect, I recommend trying this. You can even use it in the shower, as confirmed by this funny instructional pamphlet that comes in the box.
Oh, side note. This lube is great. I just got two boxes of it in the mail. I wish I could share some of it with you, not because I’m generous but because I feel embarrassed having two large boxes of lube next to my bed, like I’m suffering from menopausal desert-vaj at the age of 27.
Good Vibes all Around @ Opening Ceremony
I reviewed the new Tenga Iroha sex toys for Opening Ceremony. Now re-posted below:
Being a sex writer, erotic brands often send me things like vibrators and other sex paraphernalia, hoping I’ll give their product a shout-out somewhere on this grand ol’ internet. More often than not I only try the toy once before deciding that it sucks, and then throw it behind my bed where it stays forever in what I now refer to as the Vibrator Graveyard. My general thought about sex toys is: Why have sex with a loud, scary machine when I could just use my own elegant hand instead?
However, more recently sex toy manufacturers seem to be catching onto the fact that not all women want to masturbate with jackhammers (especially when we have roommates)! The best pleasure playthings I’ve come across in a very long while, hands down, come from the Japanese brand Tenga. As you may already know, for the past year Opening Ceremony have stocked a line of Tenga’s sex toys for men, which come in extremely cool, Keith Haring-print cases. And now, finally, Tenga has released a line of pleasure toys for women, so us girls can have fun too.
Called Iroha, the brand is designed for women, by women. (This seems ideal to me, given the lack of knowledge most men seem to have regarding what it takes to making a girl cum. Jeez…) The whole vibe of Iroha is very Japanese, from the product design to the general cuteness. The toys even look and feel like Japanese moshi, and I mean that in the best possible way. Like they’re sooo soft. I mean next-level, marshmallow soft. Holding one, you feel confused about whether you want to have sex with it or eat it, it’s just so tempting. The toys are also extremely quiet, to the point where they’re barely even audible, which is something I haven’t seen accomplished by any other vibrator before. They’re also very simple to use, and each toy only has two, non-intimidating buttons. (We want our sex toys to give us orgasms, not make us feel confused and helpless, thanks!) Plus, they’re a convenient size, easily fitting in the palm of your hand, or a small handbag, or even in your pocket (for lesbians, duh). And in order to recharge the toys you just lie them down onto the little recharge pad that comes in the box. See, easy as pie!
There are three toys currently available from Iroha, all with slight variations on the same design. One is partially insertable, (it doesn’t go in very far, but realistically how much stuff do you actually need up there, ya know?), one has a little indent that sits nicely around your clit (that’s my personal fave), and one is shaped like a light bulb and just feel good I guess (it’s the mysterious one). And all three are equally good with a partner as they are alone, because again, the quietness allows you to focus on the sex, rather than being distracted by the scary jackhammer sound. Good vibes for everyone!
Getting Dirty with Bobbi Starr
Yum… :)
“Pornography allows us to explore our deepest, most forbidden selves. Porn dreams of eternal fires of desire, without fatigue, incapacity, aging, or death.” – Camille Paglia
Bobbi Starr is one of the best and biggest porn stars today. She’s also an intelligent, funny, sex-positive feminist. Duh, all the best post stars are! You may remember that I interviewed Bobbi in the “Orgasms: Where R They?” episode of the VICE Slutever show. Bobbi also does a lot of work with the fetish porn Mecca Kink.com, and directs porn films for Evil Angel. She and I recently chatted about butt stuff, girl-power and emotional breakdowns.
Slutever: You’ve said that your butthole is what made you famous. How so?
Bobbi Starr: Well, just because of the mass amount of work I’ve done that has involved my butthole. I think some people recognize my butthole before they recognize my face.
Last year you won the XRCO award for best “orgasmic analist.” What does that mean, exactly?
Who knows. I don’t understand a lot of the awards I win. I also won “orgasmic oralist,” but last time I checked your clitoris isn’t in your throat, so…
When I was younger I had a boyfriend that genuinely thought I should be able to cum from giving him head. Although he also thought that all girls store breast milk in their boobs from childhood, and didn’t understand that the absence of a period is a sign of pregnancy.
Wow, you dated winners.
Tell me about it. But anyway, can you actually cum from anal sex?
Yeah. Actually it’s way easier for me to cum from anal sex than vaginal sex. I just like the intensity of it. I think it’s because my butthole is sensitive. I’m not saying that my butthole is more sensitive than my vagina, but I don’t know… maybe it is? I’m at the point now where if I want to cum fast I just stick something in my butt.
How much stuff have you had up there at once, like multiple dicks?
Two. I did double anal twice.
Is it good?
It’s crazy intense. I don’t know if it’s good yet, I haven’t done it enough. Like, you know how the first time you try anal sex you’re like, “I don’t know if that was good, but I want to do it again anyway”? Well that’s how I feel about double anal. I think if I did it more, I would probably figure out a way to relax my body into it and enjoy it.
What about people who aren’t porn stars but want to be double anal’d? That seems like it would be a difficult thing to orchestrate.
True, that seems hard. Do you just stroll into a bar and say, “Hey guys, wanna DP me?”
There’s always OK Cupid.
I once tried to get these two Italian brothers to do double anal on me, but they weren’t really into it because they were brothers, so they didn’t want to sword fight my asshole, unfortunately.
That’s a perk of being a porn star: you can have experiences that normal people fantasize about but can’t actually make happen.
Right! People always ask me, “What made you want to do porn?” and I say, “Well, it’s the safest environment to participate in extreme sex acts.” In the real world it’s hard to bring the party back to your apartment for an anal gangbang. And even if you could make that happen, you’d be taking a huge risk. In the porn industry people are tested frequently, and you know who you’re fucking, so it’s a special environment.
I was actually pretty anti anal for a long time, because I tried it as a teenager and there was a minor shit situation, which was obviously my worst nightmare, and after that I didn’t do it for six years. But then recently I tried it again and I realized that I like it because if the dick is in my ass, it means it’s out of the way enough that I can masturbate without interference. Because sometimes when the dick is in my vaj, it’s just too up in my grill to be able to touch myself efficiently.
I agree with that–it’s a serious added advantage. Like, get that thing out of my way.
Exactly. So, I know you often talk and write about being a sex-positive feminist. However, some people, including many feminists, think that porn degrades women. Thoughts?
First of all, any industry can be degrading toward women, if the woman is allowing herself to be degraded. Also, what the general public needs to understand is that what they see in a porno is the edited version of a scene, not what happens on set. When a girl walks onto a porn set she has all the control in the world. She can stop the entire production, because if she leaves, there is no vagina or asshole to fuck. I have never felt degraded on a porn set, I have only felt powerful. I participate in porn for my own enjoyment and exploration.
I think that’s why it’s important to have porn stars like you, Sasha Grey and Kimberly Kane–girls who are perceived by the public as being intelligent and sex-positive, and who love their job. It’s changing the mainstream perception of the porn industry.
I think this has a lot to do with the current wave of feminism, which is a very personal wave. The previous waves of feminism were very public. They were about protest, fighting back, and going out into the streets. Whereas this particular wave of feminism is like, “This is the way I want to live my life, and I don’t care if you think it’s right or wrong, and no one is going to convince me otherwise.” It’s about living by example.
Yeah, that’s so true! Also, modern feminism can get a bit whiny at times. It’s like, stop complaining and just do something cool instead yo! Don’t talk about it, be about it! But moving on, do you think porn presents an accurate representation of female pleasure in sex?
I think the porn industry gives an exaggerated example of all types of sex, including female pleasure It’s kind of like in theater, where the actors have to give performances big enough to reach the people sitting in the last row of the theater. It’s the same with porn–everything is exaggerated, everything is bigger. That doesn’t mean the representation is necessarily inaccurate, I just think it’s sensational.
I’ve said this before, but when I was a teenager, watching porn helped me to have a more positive body image, because I realized that I preferred watching the curvier girls have sex, because I was turned on by the way their bodies bounced.
That’s something I find really amazing about porn–the girls aren’t rail thin, they are real women. Porn stars don’t starve themselves. Porn stars think, “Maybe if I eat this piece of cheesecake it will go straight to my ass, and then I’ll get hired for more butt movies.” And actually, the girls who are super skinny don’t sell well, because people want to see bodies bounce. They want to see flesh–something to grab onto and suck on. Like, I don’t want to stick my face in somebody’s bony ass, because it will hurt my face, you know?
Totally. So, you do a lot of work with the fetish porn empire Kink.com. Is dominance and submission something you’re into IRL?
I wouldn’t say it’s something I’m specifically into, because the sex I have isn’t very specific. I’m more in the moment. If I find a partner who is submissive, then I know I can pull out my dominant side. Generally I don’t like to use terms like ‘switch’ or ‘dom’ or ‘sub, or even terms like ‘gay,’ ‘straight’ or ‘bi,’ because honestly, my sexuality goes with the wind. One day it’s one thing, the next it’s completely different.
Sometimes you’re in the mood for pizza, and sometimes you’re on a no-carb diet.
Sometimes you want sausage, and sometimes you want a taco.
That’s so true Bobbi. So, do you think BDSM allows for a heightened emotional connection with your partner?
A lot of people who participate in BDSM on a regular basis are looking for an extreme high. For them “subspace” is a sexual goal. It’s kinda of like an orgasm–once you have one, you want more. So once someone who is into BDSM achieves subspace, all they can think about is getting back there.
Can you explain what subspace is?
Subspace is what I consider an orgasm for a BDSM sub. It’s basically a very intense emotional reaction to something of an extreme nature that’s being done to you. This could be being beaten, or verbally humiliated, or pissed on, and so forth. There’s something that is triggered in your brain when you’re going through an extreme experience–you have to give into it, physically and emotionally. But subspace is different for everyone, so it’s a little ambiguous to describe.
So at the Kink.com armory do you see people experiencing intense emotional breakdowns through S/M where they like cry and stuff?
Yes, we see this on a regular basis. Sometimes it’s a very healthy release, and sometimes it’s not so healthy. For example, some people will allow themselves to go into subspace when they don’t quite understand the intensity of going through an emotional experience like that, or other people are just so desperate to achieve the state that they are reckless with the trust they give out. That being said, Kink are very familiar with this, and we have a BDSM protocol that we go through. We make it very obvious to performers that we have a safeword and they need to use it. Our crews are allowed to stop a production at any point if they feel something unsafe or unhealthy is going on, and we allow for aftercare if someone has broken down. Our talent department will even follow up with the talent a few days later, just to make sure they’re still alright. Kink.com wants to provide an experience not only for the members of the website, but also for the models who walk through their doors. That being said, negative experiences do occur, both in BDSM and vanilla sex, and there’s nothing you can really do about it.
Do you think BDSM is a form a therapy for some people?
Oh, completely. I have friends who do pro-domme sessions that say the job is one third dominatrix, one third business, and one third therapist. People will walk into their dungeon and say, “I have this and this going on in my life, and I need you to beat it out of me.”
I suppose that’s just as a fine a way to deal with something as any. Some people drink, some take Prozac, some pray, some see dommes. I guess.
I think it’s admirable and healthy, as long as people understand what they’re getting into. S/M is not for the weak of heart :)
How Not to Orgasm
Here’s a little instructional video for all of you sexually active people out there. The video was made by my friend, the lovely comedian Scott Rogowsky. I’m in it too. See if you can spot me.
Also: If you’re into laughing and happiness and awkward Jewish nerds (who isn’t?), then you should definitely go see Running Late with Scott Rogowsky–the live, late-night talk show that Scott hosts every other week at the Galapagos Art Space in Brooklyn. I’ve been a guest on it TWICE (nbd), and he’s also had some other OK-ish guests on the show too, like Rachel Dratch, David Cross and Amber Tamblyn, Jim Gaffigan, BIG ANG, etc. This Thurs, April 25th, the show will feature Carla from Mob Wives, author Sam Lipsyte, and Jake & Amir from College Humor. Be there or be square!
Hanging with Kimberly Kane
OMG, Kimberly Kane in a Slutever T! Photo @ Driven By Boredom
I recently had the pleasure of hanging out with one of the hottest and coolest porn stars on the planet, Kimberly Kane. I’ve been a fan of Kimberly’s for a long time, but I really fell in love with her when I saw her on Chris Nieratko’s VICE series “Skinema”, because I realized that not only is she really good at sex, but she’s also extremely funny. Check it out:
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Fun fact about KK: that’s her crotch on the cover Taschen’s infamous Big Book of Pussy. Along with acting, Kimberly also directs porn, and she’s a photographer too. Actually, the reason she recently came over to my apartment was to take some sexy pics of me. Here’s a sneak peek…
…but you can see more on her photography Tumblr. During the shoot, KK and I had a casual girltalk about porn, cumming, and (of course) our moms. You can read some of our convo below. Enjoy!
Slutever: How long have you been working in the porn industry?
Kimberly Kane: This year marks a decade in the industry. It’s been a long time! I started when I was 19.
So I need your profesh advice. Should I act in porn, or no?
No, I don’t think so. Here’s the thing: it’s not a good time to start doing porn, because you’re not 18, so you know too much. I think you should keep practicing working as a Dominatrix. Also, you know people in the porn industry and have access to it, so you can make money just from being a porn insider. Also, there’s not a lot of good porn work in New York, and there’s not even a ton of work in LA anymore. It’s feast or famine. Although I might suggest doing clips-for-sale, because you can do that without even getting fully naked.
What’s clips-for-sale?
It’s basically Domming online, so you create 5 minute clips of different scenarios: cumming instruction, humiliation, foot fetish, etc., and then your slaves buy your clips. I do a lot of them on my website. It’s a good way to make money if you’re curious about doing porn, but you don’t want to go full gangbang :)
Thanks for the tip! So I know you are friends with Andrew Richardson, who publishes Richardson magazine. I love Richardson because it looks at sex and the porn industry in an analytical and academic way. Are you a fan?
Yeah, I really dig that dude, and he has a great vision for his magazine. Andrew is really into psychology, to the point where he’s constantly psychoanalyzing everyone around him, whether they want it or not. At first I was like, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?,” but when you spend more time with him you see that he’s really honest about his own problems, too. And what’s cool is that same energy comes across in his magazine–it’s like an investigation into the unconscious of the sex industry.
Totally.
Actually, in one issue of Richardson there was a photo spread by Leigh Ledare, whose photography I love. They printed a series he did of highly erotisized photographs of his mother.
Yeah, I love those. They’re so sexy, largely because they’re so “wrong.”
I met Leigh in real life, and he’s very soft spoken and adorable and shy. You just know that he’s a mama’s boy, ya know? I’m sure it might have been difficult watching his mom fuck his friends, but the result is incredible.
Yeah. And his mother is clearly very open-minded to want to be involved in creating those photographs.
My mom is very open minded and weird too, but I ended up hating her for it. I think at some point, despite how most children claim to want “cool” parents, what you really want is a parent. And if your parent is acting like your friend, or in his case, your fuck buddy, I think it can do weird things to you.
My mom is religious and (as far as I can tell) sexually conventional. She’s very loving and supportive, but also essentially pretends that my career as a “sex writer” doesn’t exist. What is your relationship with your parents like, in regard to your work?
With my dad it’s kind of a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ situation. And my mom, like I said, is open minded. She’s actually a stripper. But I found out through doing porn that my parents are pretty chill about a lot of things. Also, they’re not religious.
I had a similar convo with pornstar Bobbi Starr about parents recently, and she said that her parents are pretty OK with what she does too, even despite the fact that in the past random creeps from the internet have emailed her mother at work with photos of her being gangbanged.
Yeah, she has told me about that. But here’s the thing: Bobbi and I run our own shit, we direct, we’re in control of our careers, we don’t do drugs. If your daughter was in porn and was really messed-up, then you might have something to worry about. But I think our parents get it.
Also, the world of porn seems to be different now than it was in the 70s and 80s–the perception of the intelligent, feminist porn star has crossed over into the mainstream. I’m sure the original porno starlet archetype still exists, but I think people now understand that there are alternatives to that.
I totally agree!
So I’m sure you get asked this a lot, but do you ever actually cum during scenes?
I have a couple times. I know that a lot of girls do cum, and that their main goal is to orgasm because it makes them feel like they are giving a good scene, but I don’t feel that way. I cum in my bedroom with the person I’m dating. I tend to really separate my personal life from my work. I can compartmentalize, as my therapist would say :) But also, I don’t cum during sex in general, I have to use a toy. I love my Hitachi Wand!
Yeah, cumming during sex is hard. Penetration can be so distracting!
Yeah, I can only cum from using my Hitachi. What I like–and I realize this sounds very vanilla–is to be with a guy, and either just kiss him, or have him fuck me, but really slowly, no pounding–because, like you said, penetration is distracting–and then I use my wand at the same time, and then I cum.
Are you the relationship type, and do you believe in monogamy?
Yes and yes. I’m not promiscuous outside of work. I’m actually a serial monogamist.
So how does porn work, money-wise? Is it like most other careers, where you make more money the longer you have been in the business?
No, it’s the opposite, because new girls are in very high demand, because everyone wants to shoot them first, or have them do a certain sexual thing for the first time in their movie. So when you’re new you tend to work more. But lately the business is not what it used to be; there aren’t actually that many people working in mainstream porn. There are lots of people who do porn–amateur and whatnot–but as far as mainstream porn goes, there’s only a couple thousand people working on a daily basis and making a living out of it. Or maybe even less.
And lastly, what do you love most about working in porn?
I really enjoy the performance aspect of porn. Some of the best sex scenes to me can be poetry, and I think sexuality can be an art form. Sasha Grey always used to say that she was a performer, and I feel that way too. When I first got into porn, I thought, “This is amazing!”–I loved the lights and the cameras, I loved putting on a show, I felt safe, I was being recognized and getting awards, and I really felt part of a community. But I’ve also tried to learn as many life skills as possible while in the business, alongside all the fucking. Porn is where I learned about photography, and it inspired me to start taking my own photographs. And I learned how to direct and edit too. Some people get into porn and just fuck and that’s fine, but I want a retirement plan, and one that doesn’t involve being a prostitute, which is why I think it’s important to learn as much as possible.