Photos by Emily Hope

About a month ago, after having kept my current relationship a secret from her for quite a long while, my very Catholic mother found out that I’m dating a girl. Given that over the past few months I’ve written multiple blog posts about my current lesbianness (one with the very non-discrete title “I’m Gay I Guess”), I knew it was only a matter of time before my mom heard the news. Still, I’d been having a lot of anxiety over when that time would be, exactly, and how our subsequent “Oh my god you’re a what?” conversation would pan out. Differently than I expected, however, my mom didn’t hear the news through my blog. (Note: my mom claims to not read my blog, both out of respect for my privacy and for “the sake of our relationship,” but I’ve always assumed that she sneaks the occasional peek. Now, though, it seems that she honestly doesn’t, which is pretty cool of her.) What actually happened is that my mom found out all by herself, based on her own motherly intuition. How do moms just seems to know everything?

According to mom, her first hunch that I had gone over to the dyke side came about five months ago, during a conversations where I was speaking “uncharacteristically giddily” about “my new best friend.” (Gross.) Her hunch was further confirmed by the fact that, for the past six months or so, I hadn’t confided in her about any new boy crushes, which according to her was “a tell-tale sign that something was up, given that you usually fall in love with a new boy every other week.” Can’t deny that, really.

Now, I should probably mention that I do feel sort of hypocritical for not being up-front with my mom from the very beginning, me being a sex blogger whose prime ambition is to create an open dialogue about sex and all. But my excuse is: I was scared as fuck! Like, my parents are really religious. Not the scary, ‘burn the fags’ type of religious, but they are conservative in a lot of ways. And as we all know, even if someone is “OK” with people being gay, there is a big difference between “people” and “my kid.”

My eventual conversation with my mom about the ‘girlfriend issue’ ensued much how I expected it would. Rather than being angry, my mom was more “disappointed,” and even more than that, confused. It went something like this:

“So I don’t understand, are you coming out? Are you GAY?! Has your entire life been a lie?”

“No, I’m not coming out, I’m just dating a girl right now. I’m not gay, and nine out of ten people that I find myself attracted to are men, but right now I really like one person a lot, and that person happens to be a girl. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this.”

“But if you like boys too, why couldn’t you just choose to date a boy? Wouldn’t that make life easier for everyone?

“It wasn’t really a choice. It just happened.”

“Well Karley, you really make some very questionable life decisions.”

“How so?”

La cause peut être simple, parce que l’humanité a trouvé, mais d’autres recherches pour voir si les questions de gestion de poids liés à la feuille de bilan si les probiotiques. River Flux en raison d’un mosto de retour amendé ou at least one from the minerals council that are into australia gideo ou Kamagra – la substance qui fournit une action de la drogue magique. Grâce à un nettoyage en profondeur des composants ou malheureusement, il s’agissait de contrefaçons non contrôlées et honnêteté lors de sa réunion, blutandrang, die angenehme Wärme im Genitalien, lorsque des degrés élevés de c.

“Are my grandchildren going to be adopted?!”

“Eww Mom! As if I’m going to have kids! Gross!”

“I just don’t get it–after this, will you go back to dating boys?”

“I imagine so. I can’t be sure, but probably.”

“OK. Well when will that be, exactly?”

Strangely, I feel like the conversation might have actually been easier if I could have just said: “Mom, I’m gay! I was born this way! Deal with it!” This would still have been hard for her, obviously, but it may have been easier for her to wrap her head around the idea of me being simply A GAY PERSON, than me being a sexually fluid, grey-area, ‘I’ll fuck anything that moves’ free-floating nightmare. However, to my mom’s defense, during our entire conversation she never lost her temper, and she was clearly trying to understand where I was coming from, despite the very obvious look of devastation on her face. She even said, “Ultimately, I just want you to be happy” more than once. (Although the word “disappointed” was thrown around a lot too.) The conversation finally ended when she said, “OK, I guess I understand… you’re like Anne Heche, right?” Lol.

Sidenote: On the topic of bisexual celebs, à la Anne Heche, I feel like Lindsay Lohan should get more credit for how open and ‘no big deal’ she was about her lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson. Remember that weird blip in the Lohan timeline? Lindsay straight-up didn’t give a fuck–one day she was straight, the next she was gay, and she was never the slightest bit apologetic about it, and she never felt the need to publicly explain why or how she could be in love with a girl, when she mainly dates men. That is pretty fucking cool, especially in the super closeted world of Hollywood. What other celeb has done that? Why isn’t Lindsay a “GREY AREA” icon or something?

But anyway, back to ME! Now, I didn’t write this post with the moralistic ambition of convincing everyone they should follow in my “brave” footsteps and talk to their parents about their gayness or greyness or whatever. I understand that it’s really hard, and that sometimes it ends badly. But I will say that I personally felt better after talking to my mom about my current situation, mainly because keeping secrets is really stressful! And actually, I was pleasantly surprised by how cool she was about the whole thing. Also, what’s important to remember in situations like this is that deep down, our moms (and dads, too) just want us to be happy. So even if you choose a life path that’s different to what your parents wanted for you, if you explain to them that the path you chose is making you feel fulfilled and happy, most of the time, in the long run, they will be happy too (even if after the initial confession they spend 40 minutes crying in the basement, blasting Cat Stevens). OK, I’m done being cheesy now.

Domestic Bliss

Above is a short film I made last year with my filmmaking pal, Robert Semmer. It’s called Domestic Bliss and it originally aired on Channel 4 in the UK, as part of their Random Acts short film series. You will see–if you decide to devote three minutes of your short life to watching this–that there is a mildly intimate moment toward the end of the video between myself and a young boy. The actor’s name is Lawrence and he’s the coolest kid ever. His dad is the wonderful photographer Nick Haymes, who I’ve interviewed in the past, specifically about his recent photobook Gabe–a beautifully creepy, voyeuristic love story. Anyway, I just thought it was worth mentioning that both Lawrence and his family consented to the aforementioned scene, seeing it for what it was: an acting role, and a pretty awesome one at that! (And after all, art has no rules, lol.) I should also probably mention that Lawrence was extremely professional and did not try to put any pervy or inappropriate moves on me.

I only brought that up because after the film originally aired, a bunch of bored losers on the internet congregated on their bored loser HQs–also known as Reddit and the comment section of Youtube–to commented endlessly about how I’m a pedophile rapist. But I was all–Yo dudes, take a chill pill!

Credits: Director: Robert Semmer; Writer: Karley Sciortino; Staring: Karley Sciortino, Lawrence Haymes & Ernie Quintero; Director of Photography: William Voermann; Music: Dev Hynes; Editor: Robert Semmer; Color: Paul Shin

I’m Gay I Guess (Life is Hard)

Follow me on Instagram, I’m @karleyslutever

I’m randomly gay now. I feel very oppressed; life is a daily struggle. My girlfriend and I get evil glares in the street, Christians throw rotten fruit at us, we’re not allowed in certain restaurants, and although we can get married in our (very hip and progressive) home of New York City, as a whole our country is not really supportive of our (potential) desire for a legal union, and therefore I hate America now. So I’m leaving.

I’ve decided to escape to Europe for a couple of months. I haven’t spent any considerable amount of time there since I moved to New York from London almost three years ago now (eek–time flies!), but as of this weekend I will be living temporarily in Paris. My gf will be coming for part of the trip too. Very “romantic” (barf). The gay stuff isn’t actually the reason why I decided to leave. I, of course, am aware that idiotic homophobic people exist in France too (WHY can’t you just accept us for who we are?! We were born this way, GOD!), and that there has been a string of recent hate crimes in Paris connected with French parliament’s current debate over the gay marriage bill. However, hopefully as of next week gay marriage will be legal in France! Yay! A win for Team Us!

No but seriously, it’s actually lolz how much more concerned I have become with gay politics since dating a girl. Like last week, while watching a series of Youtube videos regarding Prop 8, I came across that famous video of Dan Savage talking about anti-gay bigotry at a high school journalism convention (the one where all the Christian high schoolers walk out when he starts criticizing the bible). I was watching the video in my kitchen, and it was making me weirdly emotional, and then in walked my roommate (who by the way is also gay–we roam in packs). And so she was like, “Are you OK? Why are you crying?” And I was like, “Oh, I’m just generally crying for gay rights. I care about this stuff now, because I’m gay.” And she just laughed at me and said, “You’re not gay, you’re just slutty. There’s a difference.” And I was all, “Uhh… excuse me, is this a hate crime?!”

One interesting thing I’ve discovered since crossing over to the dark side is that gay sex is a lot more inventive than straight sex. Since “normal” P-in-V fucking isn’t an option, you have to be creative, and think up other ways to get off. Like I realize the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” seems sort of stupid and naive, but I honestly wasn’t entirely sure of the answer when I got into this. I know that people throw around the term “scissoring” a lot, but let me just tell you, that straight-up doesn’t work. And of course there’s oral, but you’re not always in the mood for that, and it’s also so one-sided. Taking turns giving and receiving pleasure is cool occasionally, but usually it’s the most fun if you’re both getting-off together, ya know? And the same problem exists with strap-ons. I did give in and buy a strap-on a couple months ago, because I was like, “This is what lesbians do, right?” but we barely even use it. It can definitely be fun, but I tend to get self-conscious when she’s fucking me with it, because I feel like she’s bored and it just doesn’t feel like anything for her. Stressful.

So, what’s the solution? Well, the majority of the time we just do hand related stuff, but again, it’s hard to do that effectively simultaneously, because you really have to concentrate and put in some effort if you want to make someone cum with your hand, and like… it’s just hard to find a position where you can both touch each other’s clits and not be awkwardly lying on each other in an uncomfortable position or whatever. See–ughhhh, being gay is hard! However, we’ve recently adopted a new way of fucking that is my favorite yet. Basically, this new method just involves us being in our underwear and grinding up against each other. I Googled it, and the technical term for this is frottage. (Good word, right? Very glamorous/French.) So essentially, what happens is that we simply lie on top of one another and rub our crotches on each other’s legs. It’s surprisingly effective, and it’s very safe STD-wise, because you literally don’t even have to be naked. And I’m pretty sure you can’t get pregnant from it either.

I was recently talking to my gay guy friend about this whole “inventive gay sex” thing (him and his boyfriend are both gay librarians–cute), and he saying how it’s difficult for gay guys because obviously it’s not always the “right time” to have anal sex. And I was like, “Oh, have you guys tried wiggling around on top of each other in your underwear?” and he was like, “Um… no…. but sometimes we masturbate together while holding hands.” I was like, “Aww, total cute alert!”

Anyway, I will soon be live-blogging my frottage encounters from Paris. I got some tips on hot Parisian sex parties and sex shops to check out too. Also, if you’re in Paris and want to invite me to cool stuff, email me here: <3

Ask Slutever

Photo by Ryan McGinley

Is it wrong to tell the person you’re dating that you wouldn’t mind if they gained a little weight?  I’ve been seeing a girl who is beautiful and very sweet, but I’ve always had a thing for girls who are a little curvier. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with her–in fact, she’s damn near perfect–but if she happened to want to not worry about her weight so much and gain a few pounds by eating some delicious meals, we could both be happy, right?  Is that so wrong?  Chevy

Why don’t you say to her: “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that because you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” And if she says, “What are you talking about, I’m not drinking milk right now,” you can just laugh and say, “I know baby, I was only making a joke. Oh and by the way I like fat chicks.”

Girls don’t like to be advised on issues of weight. We like to be told that we look perfect and then for you to walk away. However, there are ways that you can achieve your goal discretely, using tactics such as subliminal messaging and deception. For example: Remember that book The Sneaky Chef that became famous a while back? It was basically a how-to guide for mothers on how to trick their children into eating vegetables. The gist of the book was that you can just hide veggies inside other, more tasty foods—“hide a lump of spinach inside a meatball!”, etc. Genius. Well, you can use this method too, except instead of hiding veggies you can hide lard. Peel a banana, take the banana out, fill the skin with sour cream, sew it back up CAREFULLY. She’ll never know. Hide a slab of animal fat underneath a pile of kale. Or, you could eat a McDonalds hamburger immediately before seeing her and then kiss her with your lips covered in a layer of grease lipgloss–that should give her at least 20 calories.

Casually tell your girlfriend that Real Women Have Curves is your favorite movie. Tell her you preferred Jessica Simpson in her 2009/2010 phase, and that before that she looked “like a man.” Or, alternatively, you could wait until you two have been dating long enough that you have an understanding of her prides and insecurities, and if you feel like it wouldn’t hurt her to say “I love your body so much that I wouldn’t mind there being even more of it,” then I say go for it. It will probs just make her feel skinny. (We love that.)

My date spunked on my stomach and I woke up with this baffling scabby thing where the cum was. Do you think it’s more likely that the shirt I was wearing stuck to his cum and bonded to my skin, later resulting in it (my precious human skin) being torn off, OR that this dude has acidic demon semen? Thanks, Jessa

Were you having sex with a human or a bull? Bulls have an acidic protein in their spunk, so if you were fucking a bull (no judgments here, we went to liberal art schools!) then it would make sense why his seminal fluid might have marked your skin. If you were having sex with a human, well, how the fuck am I supposed to know? Maybe a piece of cigarette ash dropped on your skin while you were blacked-out in the same place that the jizz was. Whatever, who cares. I doubt the guy is a demon. You don’t live inside an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My boyfriend has never been interested in having sex while I’m on my period. I never really broached the subject with him until recently, since most of the time I feel like a mess while menstruating anyway. However, I will be having my period during my birthday this year and don’t want to miss out on getting some action just because my bf is grossed out by a little uterine lining. He literally said, “It’s just not right.” Like, what?! It’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. I know your thoughts on the matter and I was wondering if you have any ideas on how to convince my nun of a boyfriend to get a clue. Sincerely, Red Haze

As Katy Perry once advised me on the issue of period sex at the Chateau Marmont hotel in LA: “Put a towel down, put a towel down, put a towel down.” The moral of the story is, put a towel down. The other moral is if Katy Perry has sex on her period then so should we, because she’s famous and famous people are better and more knowledgeable than us normals on matters of literally everything.

Tell your boyfriend to think of it this way: Having sex on your period is like painting with your vagina. Look down at the towel underneath you post coital and say, “We created this piece of art together,” then put a photo of your conceptual art on Tumblr. A couple that blogs together stays together.

Does your boyfriend not know that blood is nature’s lubricant? Tell your dumb bf that the blood doesn’t actually go inside the pee hole, it just gets on the skin, and that blood is easily removed from skin with water. GOD. Remind him that you drink the gross milky liquid that he stores inside his balls on a regular basis, and that he should just grow the fuck up and deal with it. My ex used to be a wuss about period sex too. He’d always fuck me, but then would make a grossed-out face afterward and whine about having to take a shower. At a point it was like, “Jeez, if it’s such torture to have sex with me then please don’t bother. I’ll gladly roll out onto the sidewalk outside my apartment building naked and wait for a REAL MAN to come along and do the job right.”

“Ask Slutever” for Jezebel!!! <3

Self portrait by Sandy Kim

Soooo… today marks the beginning of my advice column for every gurl’s favorite website, Jezebel (aka Gawker’s girly site and the new feminist bible). I’m so excited! Check out the first installment of “Sexytime Dilemmas” HERE. The post has only been up on their site for like an hour, but there are already a gazillion people leaving me hate comments and calling me anti-feminist and dumb and under-qualified and a troll. So maybe you should get up all in the comment box and defend me. Cool? OK. (Who am I kidding? I masturbate to hate comments.)

Also, if you’re in need of some of my under-qualified troll advice, please send your sex, relationship or just general life questions to

Update, 24th Oct. – You can now read the entire post below!

Dear Slutever,
So, I’ve been sleeping with a guy for a while now and he recently told me that he wants to give me a facial. He doesn’t have any diseases so I feel like I’m pretty safe there, but have you ever done one, and what are your views on it? I know a lot of people find it degrading (which I kinda like the idea of, to be honest) but I can’t decide if that means I shouldn’t do it. Cassie

This question reminds me of a really awkward conversation I had with my mom recently. I was home for Labor Day weekend and, after downing a couple cosmos, she asked me if I’d ever heard of pussy-whipping. “Like when a girl has control over her boyfriend?” I asked. She responded, “No, like when someone hits your vagina with a whip.” This shocked me, coming from the mouth of my radical Christian mother, but then I remembered she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey and suddenly everything made sense. “What are your thoughts on it?” she asked.

My mother seemed extremely confused when I told her I had “no thoughts” on the matter. In my mind, asking my view on pussy-whipping, or facials, is equivalent to asking, “What are your views on can openers?” These are all just things that exist in the world, and we don’t need to take a stance on them. There are certain matters that deserve careful consideration (i.e. casting an actress to play yourself in the movie version of your life); some casual jizz on your face isn’t one of them.

People — women in particular — really need to get over the “is this degrading?” thing. If you have to stop and think about whether something is degrading or not, then it probably isn’t. I understand there are complex emotions involved in sex, so everything isn’t always black and white, but I also think that sometimes girls’ brains become so clouded by bullshit “feminist” ideals — “thou shall not be treated like an object,” “thou shall always be offended by men’s pervy remarks” (as if we are not equally adept at dismissing them, and dishing them out) — that we spoil our own fun. Don’t take yourself so seriously. In the midst of doing something you want and enjoy, why stop and think, “Wait, should I be getting off on this less and feeling exploited more?” It’s pointless.

If you’re having consensual sex with someone you like, and you’re both turned on by the idea of him cumming on your face, then you should do it, duh! It’s bad to analyze these things so much that they lose their spontaneity and hotness (and the rules of “real life” don’t apply in sex anyway, so whatever). Basically, we should all stop being so hyper-aware of the sociopolitical context of our sex lives, and start focusing on other, more important things, like becoming famous.

Help me out here: how and when do I stick my finger up a guy’s ass? A lot of men think that’s off-limits, so I’ve never ventured back there, but I want to massage someone’s prostate goddamnit! How can I make this work? Susie, CA

If you want this to work you’re going to have to be very delicate, and take things slowly. No one wants a dry finger shoved up their butt at random. In my experience, guys are generally more open to new concepts, and trying out new things, when you have their dick in your mouth. (This is because fellatio slows their brain down to a point of temporary insanity, which means their guard is down.) This is why mid-BJ is a great time to bring up things like, “Are we official?” or “Can I please borrow your car and $700?”

So, while you’re sucking, start playing with his balls and then slowly move moving your fingers back in the desired direction. Be conscious of how he’s responding to your touch. If he flinches as soon as you start poking around in that area, that’s not a good sign, but don’t give up hope just yet. Wait a minute or so, then do something fancy with your tongue to distract him and try again, rubbing lightly around the outside of the hole, as not to scare it. It might take a while to “feel out” (lol) if he’s going to be down for butt stuff, but even if your first attempt is a total failure, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never going to happen. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time, ya know? (To be honest, even if you’re someone who’s generally into anal, sometimes you just don’t want someone back there, like if you have to go to the bathroom or if you’re hemorrhoid is acting up or whatever.) Basically, never give up and remember that with a little perseverance you can do anything you put your mind to, Susie! Just think: it took NASA a long time to figure out Mars, but they never gave up and then finally last month they achieved their goal of DJing a Will.I.Am song from space. #inspirational

Also, this is sort of a no-brainer, but make sure your nails are trimmed and that your fingers have some spit or lube on them when you finally go for it, because intra-anal lacerations are not not glamorous.

Hi, I’m 27 and only recently left the church. I’m still a virgin and for most of my life I didn’t believe in sexual gratification, but now I’m looking to have my first self-orgasm. I was wondering, is this a subject you could help me on, or should I just ask someone else? I’m a bit embarrassed and don’t really have anyone to ask. Michael

Well Michael, as you sent me this question via email, I assume you have internet capabilities. The great thing about the internet is that it’s full of useful information, most of which is easily searchable through a popular website called Google. I’m almost certain that if you put “help with sexual gratification” into Google that there will be at least, like, six or seven billion videos of guys “self-orgasming” for you to watch and learn from. But that’s just a rough estimate.

As I understand it, an efficient way to induce self-orgasm in men is to simply hold the penis with a loose fist and then slide the hand up and down the shaft until a milky gunk comes out. This will induce a full-body sensation not unlike that of Jesus shining his love-rays down onto you from the hereafter. Except times ten.

You’re welcome!

Bullett Heart

The new issue of Bullett Magazine is the Romance Issue, and I acted in a short film they made in honor of its release. The film was made by Peter Spark, Adri Murguia and Noah Paul, and you can watch it above. GOD, shooting this film was REALLY hard for me, but as a professional, I managed to push through.

Also, if you’re unfamiliar with Bullett mag, you should check it out! The issues are themed, and I’m currently OBSESSED with their recent ‘Obsessed’ issue. I’ve taken some pics of the inside of it, to show you what I’m freaking out about.

It has pages that look like this.

It has a page of celebrity head stickers, including hotties Christopher Owens from Girls, Jesse Eisenberg, and Honor Titus from Cerebral Ballzy.

It has cut-out paper dolls of Tavi and Alexa Chung. Actually.

And–brace yourselves–there is a feature in which six of our favorite film and TV characters of all time are resurrected by the actors who played them. So basically Melissa Joan Hart, Rose McGowan, Heather Matarazzo, Rider Strong and James Van Der Beek each write an essay about what happened to, respectively, Clarissa, Courtney Shane, Enid Coleslaw, Dawson, Shawn Hunter and Dawn Wiener, and take up their character’s stories from where the original writers left off. FINALLY… CLOSURE!

And that’s just a taste…

Dating 101: Sex Therapy

So you know how I give out sex advice on my blog all the time, and how I just generally discuss sex as if I know what I’m talking about? Well, (surprise!) I’m not actually qualified to be giving anyone advice about anything ever. Woops! To better equip myself to answering your (and my own) sex questions, I decided it would be a good idea to speak with the professional sexpert, June Tomaso-Wood. June is a psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy. At the moment she is writing a book about sexual dysfunction, ways to pick up sex drive, how to maintain a meaningful relationship, and how to have the best sex of your life. So basically she has the answers to everything we’ve ever wanted to know. I hope this interview will help to clear up some of the stuff that’s constantly confusing all of us about sex/relationships/life in general.

I get a lot of girls who read my blog emailing me, complaining that they have difficulty cumming during sex. This is a giant problem for girls! How do we fix it?!
June: Let me tell you this straight up: only 30% of women have an orgasm during intercourse. That’s not a high percentage. Most of the nerve endings are on the outside of the woman’s genitle erea. There are 8000 nerve endings on the outside of the vagina, compared to 4000 nerve endings on the male penis. Men are more concentrated on the actual act of intercourse because it feels so good for them, but it’s only the first two inches of the vagina that have nerve endings. That’s why size doesn’t matter, and why foreplay is so important!

Yeah. Penetration, without any clitoral stimulation literally just feels like inserting a tampon on repeat forever.
Right. So what’s wrong with oral sex? What’s wrong with mutual masturbation and digital stimulation?  What’s wrong with getting off in different ways?

I think sometimes, especially when you’re young, you assume that you’re supposed to cum from the actual sex, so you’re embarrassed to masturbate in front of a guy because in your head masurbating is what you do when you’re alone. Also guys watch porn and it (wrongly) teaches them that girls cum just from getting fucked.
That’s what they think, but it’s not true. That’s why women need to get more acquainted with their own bodies, in order to transfer the training to their partner. Just because it feels so good for them to have intercourse doesn’t mean that women don’t need more foreplay and to have the outside more aroused for them to enjoy the intercourse. They don’t get it, you have to educate them. That’s why it’s awful that many women from religious backgrounds feel guilt about touching their own body.

So what do you tell people who have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex?
I tell people to relax, and that it takes training to really have a good orgasm with intercourse, and a lot of stimulation. This is what I suggest to start with nice long foreplay, like oral sex–hello!–and/or using vibrators on the outside, on the clit, to encourage the clitoris. This will make it so you’re stimulated on the outside, which also increases the blood volume on the inside at the g-spot. The g-spot is sitting on the paraurethral gland–it’s like a little seat that the g-spot sits in–and if you stimulate the outside as well as the inside where the g-spot is, with intercourse in the right position you might be able to have an orgasm that way. And if you have a vibrator on the outside as he’s thrusting, your chances are much better. So tell him that. And remember that the nerve endings are mostly on the outside! Men don’t get it!

For me to have an orgasm usually things have to be more slow and I need to concentrate. But then sometimes I just want to be thrown around and just be fucked really hard, and that’s not really conducive to me having an orgasm, but I still like it. So basically I can still enjoy sex even if I don’t cum, if it’s the right kind of sex.
Yeah, but a lot of men aren’t OK with the girl not cumming because they have such egos. And of course you can fake orgasms, but if you fake it, you have to keep faking it, because then their ego is fed and you have to feeding it. That’s why it’s so important to tell him what you like in bed. You can say things like, “You know honey, the other night when you did this or that, that felt really good. Can you do a little bit more of that?”

On your website you heavily promote sex toys. Why are sex toys such a big deal?
The reason I tell a lot of people to use them is because they are a buffer. So like dual stimulators for women, rings for men, vibrators, bullet, etc. They are really good for people who have anticipatory anxiety about sex. At our age this generally isn’t a problem; people are just crazy horny and all they want to do is screw. But as you get older things change and there is a lot of emotion connected to sex. Some people begin to feel shameful because they don’t know if they perform well, and a lot of men lose their erections and whatnot, so I promote the toys as a buffer, because it allows people to focus on the toy and not be so focused on themselves.  

That makes sense.
For example the Bullet is great for a woman’s clitoris, but it can also be used on the underside of the penis and be really stimulating for a man as well.  

What about if you’re in a relationship where you fight a lot? How do you fix it?
I meet with couples about conflict resolution a lot. What I advise is for the couple to pick one night a week where they can spend half an hour with each other sharing one gripe at a time. You should make eye contact, be respectful, and use a good tone–soft and gentle–and then tell your boyfriend something that’s been bothering you, and then you have him reflect back what you just said so you know you’re being heard. And then it’s his turn. And if you allow time for these gripe sessions once a week it means you get your frustration out in a positive way, instead of arguing all week. You learn how to discuss and problem solve and to compromise better.

What if you are both passive people, so you almost never fight, but then when you do fight it’s like a gigantic horrible explosion?
Well, having an argument or a disagreement is not always a bad thing. No relationship is copescetic all the time; it’s unrealistic to thinks it’s going to be heavenly every day. You’re different people, you’re different sexes (sometimes), so of course you’re going to have disagreements. It’s the way that you handle them that’s important.

What do think about open relationships?
I think every relationship is different and if both of you are in agreement and you feel comfortable and you set clear boundaries about what’s OK and what’s not OK, then there’s nothing wrong with it.

Sometimes I think it’s better to be lenient than to put up these crazy boundaries, because then you just want to rebel against them, ya know?
Some people can’t handle that. They’re jealous as hell. Some people simply can’t handle someone having their hands one their woman, and vice versa.

Do you think sometimes a little bit of jealousy can be good for a relationship though?
I guess it depends on what you’re looking for in the relationship, because it can also be dangerous. The thing about sleeping with people outside of your relationship is that you run the risk of becoming emotionally involved. That’s the dilemma. Sometimes you don’t expect that to happen, but damn it, it does. And then what do you do?

So maybe it’s better to deny yourself of something that you want, because in the end it will make your relationship stronger for having made those sacrifices?
It definitely can, yes. But I also think that you’re very young, and that there’s nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality at your age. And even if you decide to make a commitment to someone and have children, you’re married for a long time! So have fun while you can! As long as you’re safe, of course.

Do you think it’s a good or a bad idea to sleep with someone on the first date?
What I say to a lot of the women who I work with is, “What’s wrong with building a relationship and building emotional intimacy by staying away from sex for the first three months?” Now at your age three months is forever, but for women in their 30s and 40s, spending three months in a casual relationship, going out to dinner, seeing a movie, dancing, etc, allows you to build emotional intimacy, and then when you do have sex it will be amazing and passionate. I’m not talking about one night stands or physiological release, I’m talking about women who are serious about getting involved in a relationship that they want to maintain. Then I would say give it a month or two–you don’t have to jump in the sack right away. Get to know them, see if there’s chemistry. It’s not all about the physical. The emotional is important too.

But what about people who are, like, twenty-two?
Well twenty-two is hot! If you’re twenty-two and you are exploring your seuxality, then I wouldn’t advise you to wait that long, of course not. I would say explore and have casual sex, but be selective and be careful, and wear condoms so you don’t get HIV!

One common question I get for my Ask Slutever column is from people who are around twenty, who are still virgins, who want to know if they should sleep with a random and get the first time over with, or if they should wait to have sex with someone they love. What do you think?
Very good question. I’ll tell you a story, the first guy I ever had sex with was a urologist. You know why? Because I really just wanted to get rid of that hymen and I thought, “who better than him to do it?” He was twenty-seven and I was eighteen, so it was kind of nice. It was more about getting rid of it. You don’t always have to be in love to have sex.

I think some people overthink the first time.
Yeah, some people analyze it too much. The most important thing is, if you’re going to have sex, you have to be sexually awakened. You can’t be coerced into it. Your body really has to want to have it. And if you want it, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex with someone you’re not in love with.

When I was young my mom told me not to have sex before marriage.
Oh god, why would you buy a pair of shoes without trying them on?! I know a case in point where a woman’s husband died and she remarried–the new guy was in his 50s and a multimillionaire–and after the wedding she found out he was impotent. She was furious!

That happened to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
I think that’s pretty damn stupid. I mean, come on!

If you’re in a relationship, how important is it to talk about sex with your partner?
Emotional intimacy is extremely important, and keeping a positive dialogue is extremely important in a relationship, and will bring you a lot closer. It’s definitely important to sit down and talk about sex, and what you like and what you don’t like, and what you prefer. And if your boyfriend cares about you deeply then he will want to please you, and visa versa. That’s where the emotional intimacy comes in.

I think sometimes people find it embarrassing to talk about sex really seriously.
Even in your generation?

Yeah. Like I think I almost find it easier to be really grotesquely blunt, and to say things like “I want you to bend me over that table and fuck me,” than to sit down with my boyfriend and seriously say, “This is what makes me feel good and this is what I think you should do for me.” It’s almost “too real”, ya know?
Well, guess what honey, it is real. But that’s what you need to do. And if you learn how to do it now you will have a more meaningful relationship later. You need to be real with each other. And if you can talk about sexuality, which is so intimate, then you can talk about anything.

Do women ever come to see you who feel guilty about violent fantasies they have, like rape fantasies?
No, it’s mainly men who come in with those issues, not women.

How do you make your sex drive higher?
Diet is very important. Dark chocolate: eat it, an ounce and a half a day, the darker the better. The orgasms are amazing. Visual stimulation helps to pick up drive too, or using a kegel exerciser to bring blood flow to the area. If you use that for twenty minutes a day that certainly will pick up drive and make your orgasms better. And exercise improves performance and makes orgasms better.

How many times a week should a couple have sex?
It depends on the couple and the drive of each person. Remember this: the person who has the lower drive controls the sex.

Don’t I know it!