Ask Slutever, AKA Ask Josh (part 2)

Is this a photo of someone you want advice from???

My good friend Josh Rawson from the band The Felice Brothers has, yet again, contributed some wisdom nuggets for Ask Slutever. I’m feeling a small amount of resentment as I post this because I’m afraid that Josh is actually better at giving advice than me, but, as they say, “Don’t hate. Appreciate!” Whatever. Enjoy!

Recently my girlfriend dumped me. Even though we were only going out for six months I really love her and wanted a future with her. I can get through workdays OK, but when I get home on my own it hits me and I get really depressed. One reason she gave for breaking up with me was that I was too nice to her–she is used to being treated horribly. I try my best to treat others as I would like to be treated, to get my friends, family and loved ones gifts, and not to be mean to anybody, because that just makes me feel awful. Are there girls out there that like being treated well, who are nice back? I’m not that good looking and I’m feeling totally unconfident. I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Adam, VT

Josh: Oh Adam, no one wants to be the king of Bummertown, so just take a second and relax. I hate to break it to you but your ex is the worst. And the fact is, it’s true: no one likes people who are nice to them. Sorry. We all want someone who is too cool to actually be nice. But being cool really sucks—looking off into the distance forever, listening to lo-fi post house rape rap trance for a second and then declaring it dead, always waiting for American Apparel to call you back about a modeling gig, pretending like you’re too deep in a dreamy haze to even recognize people, waiting two weeks to reply to a text that simply says “what’s up?”—well those things all suck. Sounds like you really fucked up by being kind. You should just be drunk all the time and make fun of her in front of your friends. That’s some sexy shit. Get over her. You seem like a decent guy. Don’t take everything so seriously. Relax a bit. Don’t be super sensitive. And what’s with this ‘I’m not that good looking’ bullshit? We are all just a mess of body parts. It’s just a bunch of skin and dicks and noses and legs and breasts and hair and sometimes ponytails. What’s the difference? It’s all the same stuff. If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that weird looking people get laid on the regs. Watch VH1, those people are the real ugly ones. Everyone has something wrong with them. It’s called being a human being walking around eating, sleeping, trying to fuck things, and eventually dying. Just try to have some fun or something. Listen to “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys, drink a Capri Sun, and watch the clouds roll by.

Dear Slutever, I met this guy through friends about four years ago. We’ve been texting/emailing pretty constantly since and I’m meeting up with him next month. Already that’s weird because I have no idea why he would wait this long to meet me, but I REALLY like him, he’s my exact type! But the only thing is, I think he’s a pretty major virgin. And I’m pretty much the opposite of that. We’re going to a bar, just the two of us, so I’m PRETTY sure it’s a date. How can I make him want me and not freak him out? HELP! Annie, UK

Wear a Kangol hat like LL Cool J. Tell him all about how taking gluten out of your diet really changed your life. If there’s any awkward silences immediately start freestyling. Type out a list of your sexual history. Get a little poetic with it but don’t bog down the prose too much. The real point is to intimidate him. Fear is an aphrodisiac. Keep freestying even if it’s not going well. Maybe throw in a couple Rick Ross verses he might not notice.  Tell him you wish the movie the Bucket List had “more fucking” in it. Or just act how you normally act and I’m sure it will go fine. You guys will laugh and drink and hold hands at the perfect moment and kiss with your eyes closed.

I’m 17, a senior in high school, gay and boyfriendless. My question: how do you meet people on the internet? How do you establish a real good connection? There is a super sexy man who lives in the UK who I want to have a long distance relationship with, but I’m afraid that if I make the wrong move I will blow any chance ever. What do I say? Do I just send him an email!? Also, there is the problem of my age. Should I lie and say that I’m already 18? I’m turning 18 in June, so it’s not like it’s a big deal or whatever, but I don’t want to scare him away. I have also never had a boyfriend before, because none of the gay people I know are good enough for me. I feel like if I miss my chance I will not have a boyfriend for a very long time. He is everything I want and need and I will not find another man like him for a long time. What do I do!?

1. Type in “meet people on the internet” into Google.

2. Establish a real good connection by sending him blurry mysterious photos. Type things in an email. Type sentences. Type sentences that end with exclamation points so he knows you are psyched. Type sentences where the grammar is so bad that they could mean many different things. Type those smiley face things ;(  at random. Type XXs. Type lots and lots of Xs, fill entire emails with them. Make the subject “establishing real good connection”.

3. Say “let’s not blow any chance ever obvs,” for good measure.

4. Write him an email. See answer 2 for more details.

5. Scare him. Tell him your real age.

6. Everything you want and need may not have to do with sending emails to strange English men on the internet. Just guessing.

7a. Hanging out with people in real life is kinda cool.

7b. It’s actually cooler cuz you can high five with real people. Share snacks. And like be outside with them. Near trees. Maybe a waterfall. Oh yeah you can gaze at a waterfall while holding hands. You gotta try that shit. Unreal. You’ll totally not even wanna check your email. You’ll just be like “Damn those birds be singing real pretty right now. These butterflies colors be fucking my head up for real. Oh I like you squirrel. Fuck Craiglist.”

8. You’re 17, I’m sure you will meet more people. It’s at least a possibility.

9. This whole thing kinda seems like a bad idea.

10. Don’t write him an email. Disregard answers 2, 3 and 4.

VICE Slutever Show, ep1 – Dating 101

Finally! The VICE Slutever show is here! I really hope you like it. The first four episodes will air every Friday for the next month on I’ve been making the show with my BFF, director/producer Adri Murguia (who also hosts stuff for Vice too, check THIS out). Not to be cheesy, but we feel really proud that this is the first ever show on Vice that is being made for girls by girls. That’s cool, right? I mean, all those other documentaries VICE make about guns and war in the Middle East are cool and stuff, but TBH tampons and sex slaves are equally as important, and I feel like until now they haven’t been given a fair amount of attention. Or whatever.

Cool, can’t wait to read all the hate comments :)

p.s. Thanks Greg Eggebeen, Matt Kazman, Hannah Rose and Angie Sullivan!

Ask Slutever for IDLM

Photo by Stacey Mark
Here’s my newest advice column, originally written for the lovely online boutique, I Don’t Like Mondays.(#JeffreyCampbell)

Dear Slutever, I am 21, soon to be 22. I have noticed–or maybe it’s my own insecurity–that lots of men/boys prefer younger girls. You know, ‘jailbait’, ‘teenagers’, ‘underaged’–whatever. Even on the porn sites I frequent a huge majority of titles claim to show ‘teens’ having sex, or look at Vice where they seem to love to show naked young girls. Maybe I’m jealous because I’m already 21/22 and I’m scared that men will prefer someone younger (to bang or for a serious relationship). I have a boyfriend who is 10 years older than me, but he even dated someone younger than me (she was just 16), so somehow it stuck to my head that being a teenager is the best way to hook up with men. Do you agree as well that a lot of men like younger girls? And for what reasons? It’s like, if you are past 25 or past 30, then you’re old stock already. What can I do about my fear of aging. Alison, Canada

Bitch, I’m twenty-six! Are you trying to tell me I’m too old to fuck? Jeez! It’s OK though, I forgive you (for being totally clueless). For starters, your boyfriend sounds like a pedophile. I’m all for fucking older men, but a man in his early 30s should not be dating a sixteen year old. That’s just a fact. Maybe the reason you feel old is because you’re dating someone who wants to fuck a girl without pubes. He is clearly making you feel insecure, so I recommend you tell him to get a life and a job and start dating someone his own age.

Everyone has issues with aging. You’re entering a “new stage” of your life, and you’re freaking out because you’re not a teenager anymore. But thank god, because teenagers are stupid. And twenty-one year olds are stupid too, most of the time. Twenty-three is the age where most people start being less stupid, and you begin to understand what you want as a person, and that being young and cool and a “party animal” is not the be all and end all. When I was twenty-one I drank a bottle of vodka every day and ate frozen pizzas every night and was fat and unhealthy, and didn’t know my body well enough to work out what clothes or hair styles most suited me. Because I was drunk all the time I never read any books or did anything productive, and I had lots of unmemorable sex with unmemorable guys I met in bars, and I just generally was a hot mess. I’m not saying this is what you’re like, but realistically it probably is what you’re like. And that’s OK (for now), but I suggest you grow up asap. Basically, growing up is a good thing.

Worrying about aging when you’re twenty-one is the most pointless thing you could ever do. You should be worrying about what the fuck you’re going to DO with your life, because you have the whole thing ahead of you. And if you work hard and do great things and be nice to people and don’t destroy your body too much, I guarantee that in five years you will be a more confident, desirable, and all around better human being than you are now.

I recently hooked up with a guy that I’m really into at my staff party. We didn’t have sex because I was on my period (he’s not really into that..) so I was going to suck him off, except I had some difficulties getting him hard. After a lot of trying he finally got hard and we did some hardcore deep throating. Then he told me he was really into be being dominated and that’s why sometimes he can’t get hard from vanilla sex. So the next time he came over I was very dominating and was telling him what to do and hair pulling etc., but he couldn’t get hard for the life of him and he got really moody! Even after a lot of sucking! Next time I want to surprise him and be ultra dominating, but I’m afraid if it doesn’t work after all the effort it could make matters worse. Do you think it’s better to just talk about it, or should I make a trip to Ann Summers to spice things up and not be so vanilla in bed? Courtney, NYC

That’s a difficult one. I dated a guy who had that problem too. The most annoying part was that whenever he did get hard he would try to shove it in ASAP, like, ‘stick it in, now, quick!’ As you can imagine it felt very rushed and not at all sexy. Things didn’t work out between us.

But anyway, I’d say it’s best not to bring it up directly. Asking a guy what’s wrong with his dick is probably the least likely way to give him a boner. However, it’s a good idea to ask him what his ultimate fantasy is. This way you’ll get him to describe exactly what he likes in bed, and you’ll know the best ways to turn him on. It’s basically a sexy, roundabout way of asking “what the fuck can I do to make your dick hard,” without actually having to say that.

Also, you should make him go down on you. You giving him a blow job–even though it seems like it would be helpful–is actually more submissive on your part. Maybe he’s not getting off on you sucking his dick because he feels like he’s in the dominant role while you’re down there, ya know? I think you should just make him your sex toy, and use him to get yourself off. Stop worrying about his penis for a sec and just worry about yourself–masturbate, have him make you cum with his mouth, etc–and he will probably get off on the idea that he’s being used by you. Submissive guys just want to be used, ya know? And this way the entire sex act isn’t centered around his dick, so there’s less pressure on him, and he’ll be less likely to scream ‘shove it in!’ as soon as he gets an erection. Basically, his lazy dick is giving you an excuse to be selfish.