What you carry in your handbag defines you as a person. Obviously. I hung out with Claire, author of Slutever‘s Secret Diary of a Sugar Baby column, dug through her bag, and asked her what she can’t live without as she frolics around NYC banging dudes for money. LOL – Karley Sciortino Continue reading “What Does a High Class Escort Carry in Her Handbag?”
Today’s advice goes out to a flirtatiously challenged teen and a nympho government worker, by Karley Sciortino. Continue reading “Ask Slutever”
Words: Karley Sciortino / Photo: Ellen von Unwerth /
Did you know that May is National Masturbation Month? Yeah, it’s random, and I don’t really understand the point (isn’t every month masturbation month?), but let’s just go with it. In celebration of self-love, the sex toy brand We Vibe did their first ever national masturbation report. They talked to 600 men and women across the United states, ranging from age 20-70, identifying as single, in a relationship or married, and the stats and insights they founds are pretty interesting. Here goes… Continue reading “Masturbation Report: Stats on Self-Love”
By Vera Papisova /
When I told my friends I was going to start this column, Kayden Kross was the girl all the boys wanted me to interview. She is one of porn’s most coveted treasures, and a few years ago she landed one of the highest-paying performing contracts in the industry. She’s kind of a big deal.
Did I mention she’s been published in the New York Times? (It’s a great personal essay that was part of the Modern Love column.) Yup – and she’s also written columns for Complex magazine and XBIZ Magazine (her take on LA’s Skid Row and the New Era of Celebrity Porn Stars are gold.) My favorite find, though, has to be this lovely ode to cum for xcritic.com. (The site is NSFW, but Google it sometime.)
Like other porn stars, Kross uses her popularity as a platform for business ventures. She most recently launched a site for curated smut called TRENCHCOATX.com with fellow adult star Stoya, and it’s blowing up. So, without further ado, here’s what Kayden Kross has to say about the perfect date (ice cream is involved), sex workers finding love, and *Hallelujah emoji* why the girl you’re with can’t orgasm.
1.) Your best cunnilingus/blowjob tip:
Treat them as one and the same—techniques scaled to size, of course.
2.) Your favorite sex toy:
My Fleshlight!
3.) What’s your ideal date?
I think an accidental date would be ideal. You go out, start going through the motions of other plans, meet someone off chance, find yourself eating ice cream and telling stories at the end of a pier off the coast of Mexico around midnight. Something like that. Maybe not Mexico. Piers are everywhere, though.
4.) “Why can’t she orgasm?”
There’s a handful of options: You’re putting too much pressure on her. She doesn’t like you. You’re blowing out her senses by going too hard/fast. She’s addicted to Hitachis—and you are not one. She’s near her period. She’s on her period. She just finished with her period. She is nowhere near her period. You just don’t know what you’re doing. You suddenly know what you’re doing, and it’s making her suspicious. You’re doing the same thing you always do and she’s over it. She’s feeling self-conscious. You need to shower. Her head is somewhere else. Her head is too much in it. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. Her body just won’t get there today. She took Tylenol. She drank too much coffee. She drank too much alcohol. It’s just not time yet.
Pick any one of those. It’s probably one of those.
5.) Please fill in the blank:
Something more people should try when fucking is to not try so hard.
6.) You and Stoya just launched a new site featuring curated smut called TRENCHCOATx. Can you tell me about the pay-per-scene business model you’re using and what incentives there are for viewers to pay per scene when they can find porn for free somewhere else?
Well, they (hopefully) can’t find this porn somewhere else. It’s a nominal fee, and surely they understand economics enough to comprehend how it costs money to make content, which must be somehow repaid for the cycle to continue. We’re being as honest as we can about how we’re bringing the entertainment. We are bringing the best we can. We believe that a consumer can respect that enough to respect us and purchase what he/she can if he/she desires to consume the product.
7.) Now if you wouldn’t mind answering a reader question, here’s what you’re working with:
Hi Kayden! I turn into a total freak when I meet a guy I like. I go from being a totally hot, awesome, fun babe and spiral into a anxious mess pretty quickly. I don’t really have boyfriends because I am a full time escort. Complicated! My most recent squeeze is an epically hot sexy freak. After a month I decided to come “out of the closet” about the sex work to him and he was really excellent and open minded to it. We still continue to see each other, but I’m secretly liking him in a “I want you to be my boyfriend” way, and I’m terrified. I’m cool as a cucumber fucking influential, famous and wealthy men at work. I’m great at one-night stands and casual affairs. But when it comes to meeting someone I generally like in the real world, I crumble. Last night I got so drunk, got kicked out of a bar and then cried in a gutter. Do I just tell him how I feel? I don’t want to come across like a needy psycho hooker.”
Sex workers deserve to find love as much as the next person. Is it possible you become anxious because the world has been telling you otherwise, and you’ve bought into that mindset? I think so.
Main image credit: clubkayden.com
Vera Papisova is a freelance writer and sometimes standup comedian who’s written for publications like Yahoo Style, Complex and Teen Vogue. To submit questions for her future “Ask a Porn Star” columns, leave a comment below or tweet them to @VeraPapisova or @Slutever.
Photo by Stephen Shore
Help! I’m a liar! I’ve had a casual on/off sex relationship with this guy for over a year and it’s always been really laid back and easy: when we find ourselves in the same place we have sex 24/7 till one of us leaves town. Recently, though, things have been getting more emotional and I’ve been having feelings beyond just sexual attraction. I want to try dating him, but there is one big thing holding me back: when we first hooked up I faked orgasms and still do. Continue reading “Ask Slutever: Help! I Can’t Stop Faking It!”
Historically, masturbation has gotten a pretty bad rap. It’s been said that jerking-off can cause blindness, will make you impotent or infertile, can lead to mental illness, or, arguably the worst of them all, will result in you burning in eternal hellfire. However, that hasn’t seemed to deter most of you. I personally have never touched myself, so I’m off the hook no matter what happens, unlike you perverts. Below are 13 of the best things ever said about masturbation.
1. “The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” — Truman Capote
2. “You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan’s Island.” — Ron Jeremy, Twitter
3. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” — Woody Allen, Annie Hall
4. “Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.” ― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
5. “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.” — John Mayer, interviewed in Rolling Stone
6. “My first time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
7. “Among all types of sexual activity, masturbation is, however, the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm.” — Alfred Charles Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female
8. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” — Lily Tomlin
9. “It’s easy, fun, and no one gets hurt.” – Louis C.K.
10. “Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.” — Thomas Szasz (fellow of the American Psychiatric Association)
11. “I jerk off inside books and give life to words, leaving concepts stuck together you probably never heard.” — Immortal Technique, rapper
12. “If masturbation’s a crime, I’d be on death row.” — Gilbert Gottfried
13. Jackie Treehorn: “Interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!”
The Dude: “Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.”
— The Big Lebowski
As some of you know, I’ve been hosting the new season of the VICE web series, People Who Just Had Sex. The show is sponsored by Tenga, the Japanese sex toy brand. I’m a big fan of Tenga because they make discrete vibrators that aren’t so fucking loud that they ruin the whole experience of sex (as many vibrators do). I also like the aesthetic of Tenga’s toys–for example, they did a line of mens toys that came in Keith Haring-print cases, and a separate line with art by Jiraiya, a famous homoerotic manga artist. Also, the vibrators for girls are really cute, pink, and feel like marshmallows.
Anywayz, the lovely people at Tenga were kind of enough to give me some sex toys to give away to you guys, my readers, as an early Christmas present–yay! The three toys above are what I have to give away. (Note the festive still-life I created in order to display them for you.) All you have to do to be eligible for the giveaway is to sign up for the Slutever newsletter by typing your name and email address where it says “newsletter” on the righthand sidebar of this page. I just recently created the newsletter, and I promise I won’t bombard you with crap, but rather will brighten your email with some sexy sunshine every other week or so.
Here’s what I’m giving away:
1. The large cylindrical toy is the Double Hole Cup. It’s for boys, and it’s basically a fake vagina/butthole that you can fuck from both ends, and each end feels different. It’s also good for gay couples because you can fuck it simultaneously. Watch an instructional video HERE.
2. The egg shaped one is the Egg Cloud. It’s for boys, and it’s basically a super stretchy egg-shaped masturbator that feels like dipping your penis into a cloud, apparently. It looks tiny, but you’d be surprised how much it stretches (I’ve seen it used). Watch an instructional video HERE.
3. The Iroha is a tiny vibrator that’s quiet, which makes it great for use during sex, and it’s also tiny, meaning it’s perfect for tossing in your purse if you’re the type of woman who likes to masturbate on the go. Watch an instructional video HERE.
On Wednesday Dec 5th I will choose the winners at random, and then email the winners for info on where to mail your lovely Christmas gift :)
Aurel by Terry Richardson for Purple mag
I recently interviewed Aurel Schmidt for Oyster Magazine. It was for their all-women issue, which also featured Lena Dunham, Tavi Gevinson, Shalom Harlow, Petra Collins, Stacey Mark, Cass Bird, Nite Jewel, Bambi Northwood-Blyth and a bunch more! Check it out, it’s on stands now. I wrote an advice column for it as well. I was really excited to interview Aurel because I’m a big fan of her art, and also partly because @DevHynes and I are always mentioning her in our weekly conversations about the “most authentically cool people in New York.” (Yikes, maybe keep it a secret that we actually have conversations like that…) You can read our chat about art, group sex and jerking-off below.
If you hang out in or around the New York art scene, you’ve probably been intimidated by the presence of Aurel Schmidt at some point or another. Her hyper-real pencil drawings, combined with her intentionally sleazy public persona and signature thick-rimmed glasses, have transformed Schmidt into a young icon. Her excruciatingly detailed artworks are typically decorated with the scraps of her life–stuff like condom wrappers, crushed beers cans, lipstick, Klonopin capsules, and her boyfriend’s chest hair. The result is something at once sophisticated, funny, girly and gross, powered by her incredible technical skill.
Schmidt is from the industrial city of Kamloops, British Columbia. Her career took off in 2006, rising to fame within a rebellious New York art scene led by artists like Ryan McGinley, Dash Snow and Dan Colen. She has since been handpicked by Jeffrey Deitch for a solo show, and was chosen as part of the 2010 Whitney Museum Biennial. At the moment Schmidt is working on a photo book of her husband, singer Donald Cumming of the band The Virgins, as well as creating a new body of work in preparation for her upcoming solo show, opening in London in the Spring of 2013.
What are you working on at the moment?
I’ve been making a new kind of art that’s very fast. Not many people know this, but I’m taking a year off from making the drawings I was making before, because it was getting too comfortable.
What’s the new work like?
I can’t really talk about it, because then it won’t be a surprise at the London show. But I’m having fun doing it, because it’s very immediate. Like if I feel sad and start drawing, right away I’ll be able to see this emotional landscape unfold, where with the old work, because it took so long to make, one part of a drawing might feel one way, and another part might feel totally different.
How much do you cater your art to what you know people want to buy?
It depends. I’m good at making money, but I’m also really good at saying no to people and not giving them what they want, which, paradoxically, I think is a key to making money and being successful. Because if you give people what they want all the time, then what’s left for them to want?
What else is integral to success?
You have to keep having goals. You can’t just hang around with people who think you’re cool; you have to constantly want to expand your peer group–to be around smart and talented people who challenge you.
Have you noticed in New York a common way to insult someone is to call them a “social climber”?
Yeah, everyone says that. I’ve been called a social climber since the first week I moved to this city. But if you’re interested in art, it makes sense that you would want to go to events where you can meet other artists, and become involved with a crowd you actually respect. I think every ambitious person in New York is in some facet a ladder climber, but I don’t think it’s bad. What’s the opposite: taking the moralistic path and waiting for some omnipotent figure to come down from the clouds and say, “I see that you are talented, let me take you to the stars”? That doesn’t exist; it’s a fantasy.
Something I’ve always admired about you is that you seem like a very sex positive person, and you’re confident in your body and don’t give a shit about being photographed naked.
I’ve always taken explicit photos. When I started getting press, I really resented that most of the press for female artists–and for females in general–was so sexualized. As a woman, even if what you do has nothing to do with what you look like, magazines and newspapers will try to create this image of you as the “cute” or “sexy” artist, because they want to sell issues. Whereas a male artist will just be photographed standing in his studio. That’s such a cheesy double standard, so I thought, “You know what might be better than trying to be cute?–just being complete slutty. You want a sexy picture of me? Well here, have a look at my vagina. I’ll just give you what you want right away. You don’t have to wonder anymore.”
Your public persona is hyper sexual, but you art doesn’t seem to reflect that side of you as much.
The art has sexual elements to it, like there’s some graphic sexual stuff within the drawings, like vaginas and dicks and condoms, but it’s done more to gross people out or make them laugh than it is to turn people on. If you want to get turned on by naked people you can look at porn–why would I try to compete with that? I would rather draw new ideas of what I think sexiness is. I love having sex, but glorifying how wonderful it is has been done many times, so I’m not interested in that as much. I’m more interested in the social complexities of things like gender roles, what people find sexy, the taboos around sex organs…
Sex as social commentary.
Right. And sex as something you can create an atmosphere around. I find it weird when people are so set on what they think “sexy” is, as if it’s carved in stone. The standard of what society deems “sexy” is so molded by capitalism–it goes in and out of style, just like everything else. But this freaks me out, because ideally sex should almost be sacred, because it’s free, theoretically. It’s not a commodity, like clothes. Or art.
Speaking of sex and money, is it worth it to buy a vibrator when you can just use your own hand for free?
Well, they can be really useful when you’re lazy, like when you just want to cum because you can’t get to sleep. But you have to figure out what works for you. Sometimes you have to put a piece of cloth in between you and the thing–you can’t just put in right on there.
Good advice. So you have a “type”, sexually?
Nope, I like all kinds of people. I’ve been with guys who are big, small, skinny, I’ve slept with multiple fat guys–whatever.
Have you ever slept with a girl?
Nope.
That’s surprising, you kind of have lesbian vibes.
I know, people say that. I feel like I’ve had the opportunity to sleep with very beautiful women, but it just doesn’t turn me on to envision going all the way through with it. Kissing sounds fun, but when it comes time to go home I’d rather just find some dude to fuck.
Would you ever want to sleep with a girl in a threesome situation?
Whenever someone I was dating asked me to have a threesome in the past, I always responded by asking, “Could we have sex with another guy?” And they always said, “Eww, no!” But that’s how I would want it to be.
I don’t think guys understand that girls want that.
It would be great! Like when I see double penetration in porn–I’m down for all that. You’re just getting so much attention, and all parts of you are being touched at the same time, it would be such a turn on.
Agreed.
I think the issue with having a threesome with someone you’re dating, though, is that it can create problems within your relationship. I had one friend a long time ago tell me that you should never have a threesome if you’re really in love with the person you’re with, because the minute you look up and see them fucking that other person, maybe it will turn you on, but there’s also the chance that it won’t and then you’ll be stuck with that image forever.
In the past I’ve considered being with other people while in a serious relationship, like having an “open relationship”, because it seems crazy to try to maintain a monogamous relationship forever. And at first it seems great, but then you think, “But what about me feeling abandoned, or scared of being left?” It’s a psychological quagmire, because when you love someone it’s almost like they become part of you, and you project your deepest fears onto them, so it becomes hard to be really tough and cool about everything.
And even if you set rules and say, “We’re allowed fuck other people, but we can’t get emotionally attached,” realistically you always run the risk of falling for someone else.
Totally. Also, I think for guys it’s normal to want to fuck a girl one time just because she’s hot, even if she’s a total moron. But “hot” is very objective for women–it’s not just a physical thing. For girls, if we think a guy is hot it probably also means he’s cool and interesting and has good style–
And is a little bit famous…
Right. So then you’re like, “Wow, I’m sleeping with someone cool and hot and famous… I want to hang out with him more!” And that’s where it becomes dangerous.
In the 70s Germaine Greer promoted the idea that women should start fucking like men, so more objectively–an idea that Madonna adopted in the 80s. Do you think it’s inherently harder for women to view men as sex objects?
A little bit, but I’ve done that, too. For a while when I was single I just fucked under twenty-five year old skaters. Sometimes the young ones aren’t so good in bed, but they’re so energetic and excited to be fucking you that it makes up for it. Whereas some older guys are really good at eating pussy, but their energy spans are really low and they’ve had sex so many times that they’re just like, “Yawn…”
That’s true. Wow, I feel like this has been so insightful in both an art way and a “sex advice” way.
Great, I’m glad!
For the latest issue of Twin magazine I wrote an essay based on a new book about masturbation titled With the Hand. To be honest the books isn’t that great, so I don’t recommend you run out and buy it. Instead just read my article, which is essentially just me rambling about touching myself.
With the Hand: A History of Masturbation is a new book by the Dutch urologist and sexologist, Mels Van Driel. The book explores subject of masturbation, looking at its place in history, religion, art, culture and beyond. The gist of the book is that masturbation is one of the last taboos, which is silly since practically everyone does it, and in order to create a more sex positive society we need to abandon the shame-fest and start embracing our love of self-love. So basically, according to Van Driel, we need to stop associating masturbation with feelings of embarrassment, guilt and loneliness, and start having conversations about fingering ourselves at dinner parties.
I frequently write about masturbation, porn and fantasy on this blog (despite my mom’s constant instance that doing so will prevent be from ever getting a “real job”). At this point, it’s no secret that penetrative sex on its own doesn’t feel that good (AKA good at all) for most girls, so masturbation (both on its own and with a partner) is key, because for lots of us it’s the only way we’re actually going to cum. So naturally I agree with Van Driel when he says that masturbation is, you know, “important.” In the book’s introduction he writes, “Perhaps I might be able to put paid to the taboo on masturbation. Or at least put paid to all kinds of nonsense about masturbation.” In light of this, I’ve chosen four topics from With the Hand that specifically interest me, elaborated on them a bit, and also shared some of my own jerk-off stories. Enjoy!
INTERNET PORN
When speaking about pornography, Van Driel says, “It is almost inevitable that the free availability of sexually explicit material will have a marked impact on the sexual morals of the growing internet generation.” He then goes on to talk about the research of Jochen Peter, who studies the effects of internet porn on young people through the University of Amsterdam. Peter says “…those who watch internet porn are less secure and less content with their sex lives,” adding “those who make frequent use of porn are more inclined to see women as sex objects.” Though I believe both of those things to be easily plausible, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and tell you a reason why porn made my sex life (and just my life in general) way better.
When I was a teenager I hated my body. Nothing new there. I had curves before everyone else had curves, and my big hips and butt and boobs made me feel gigantic and un-cute in halter dresses. I spent most of my 8th grade end-of-year pool party crying in the bathroom, and the majority of my first few years of sexual exploration was done with the light off. Then I started watching internet porn. I soon realized that the girls I most enjoyed watching get fucked were not skinny girls. I was way more turned on watching girls with big hips and butts and boobs, because all the bouncing and jiggling made everything more sexy and exciting. So essentially my teenage internet porn addiction helped me develop sexual confidence and a better body image. (P.S. It also taught me lots of other valuable life lessons, like how to deep-throat and never to get a lower back tattoo, but that’s another story.)
GIRLS DO IT ON THE FLY (AND ON THE SLY)
In one section of the book, Van Driel talks about 36 year old man from Sweden who was arrested for masturbating onto women’s bike saddles. His conclusion: “men masturbate in the oddest places.” Well, that’s true, but so do girls. Why is he leaving us out? We masturbate in weird places too! It’s actually easier for girls to guerrilla masturbate because when we do it there’s no mess afterward, so we can be really sly about it. We do it under our coats on long car rides. We do it in public restrooms like homeless people while you’re waiting outside, thinking that we’re just peeing. Sometimes we even do it lying in bed next to you, with the blanket draped loosely over our knees and abdomen, and you don’t have any idea. Get a clue!
MUTUAL MASTURBATION
According to Van Driel, “A celebrated sexologist once claimed in an interview that not only did between 90 and 100 percent of adolescent boys masturbate, but that there was also widespread mutual exploration and horseplay, with a marked competitive element: who’s got the biggest one, who can shoot first and furthest?” He then goes on to tell a story about a colleague who played the infamous ‘soggy biscuit’ game as an teenager, where everyone jerks-off onto a biscuit and the last one to cum has to eat it. Hot. However, the book doesn’t talk much about teenage girls circle-jerking, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to share my story with you.
When I was about thirteen my five best girlfriends I used to refer to fingering ourselves as “M&M”. The code word meant we could talk about it around boys, or in the hallways between classes, and no one would have any idea. (“Oh my god I ate M&Ms for two hours last night while watching Titanic,” etc.) Then on the weekends, at our regular sleepovers, all five of us would get into our respective sleeping bags, turn the lights off, put on a CD (‘N SYNC featured heavily), and all masturbate simultaneously. Afterward we would sit around and talk about who we were thinking about–whether it was Chris from science class or Jonathan Taylor Thomas or whoever. Particular fantasies were rarely discussed; the specific person seemed more important to us at the time. I’m don’t remember how exactly the ritual began, but we did it as many as 15 or 20 times. It never seemed weird or like a big deal at the time, and having “our secret” made us feel closer. And I’ve since talked to other girls with similar stories. I like to think of it as an underground, teen girl cult, sexual initiation type thing.
SEX TOYS
In the Sex Aids chapter of With the Hand, Van Driel discusses everything from vibrators to blow up dolls to the specific pleasures that come from inserting a chicken bone into one’s butthole. Fantasy plays a smaller role in the chapter, but if you as me our imaginations are the greatest sex toys we could ever ask for. I mean, duh, in a fantasy everything is perfect; there are no disappointments, no limp dicks, no bad kissers. And fantasies can be as irrational and fucked up as you want–making out with your brother, getting sexy with a seven year old, etc–and it doesn’t matter because they are not real.
As I’ve made clear, I am in no way anti-porn. I love porn, but it can make us lazy. We watch it because it allows us to cum with minimal thought and effort (although realistically it aways takes like 20 minutes to find the video you want so the process always turns out to be more effort than you planned), when really we all have an endless catalogue of pornography in our brains. This might sound depressing, but some of the best sex of my life has been in my head. Woody Allen got it right: “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
So you know how I give out sex advice on my blog all the time, and how I just generally discuss sex as if I know what I’m talking about? Well, (surprise!) I’m not actually qualified to be giving anyone advice about anything ever. Woops! To better equip myself to answering your (and my own) sex questions, I decided it would be a good idea to speak with the professional sexpert, June Tomaso-Wood. June is a psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy. At the moment she is writing a book about sexual dysfunction, ways to pick up sex drive, how to maintain a meaningful relationship, and how to have the best sex of your life. So basically she has the answers to everything we’ve ever wanted to know. I hope this interview will help to clear up some of the stuff that’s constantly confusing all of us about sex/relationships/life in general.
I get a lot of girls who read my blog emailing me, complaining that they have difficulty cumming during sex. This is a giant problem for girls! How do we fix it?!
June: Let me tell you this straight up: only 30% of women have an orgasm during intercourse. That’s not a high percentage. Most of the nerve endings are on the outside of the woman’s genitle erea. There are 8000 nerve endings on the outside of the vagina, compared to 4000 nerve endings on the male penis. Men are more concentrated on the actual act of intercourse because it feels so good for them, but it’s only the first two inches of the vagina that have nerve endings. That’s why size doesn’t matter, and why foreplay is so important!
Yeah. Penetration, without any clitoral stimulation literally just feels like inserting a tampon on repeat forever.
Right. So what’s wrong with oral sex? What’s wrong with mutual masturbation and digital stimulation? What’s wrong with getting off in different ways?
I think sometimes, especially when you’re young, you assume that you’re supposed to cum from the actual sex, so you’re embarrassed to masturbate in front of a guy because in your head masurbating is what you do when you’re alone. Also guys watch porn and it (wrongly) teaches them that girls cum just from getting fucked.
That’s what they think, but it’s not true. That’s why women need to get more acquainted with their own bodies, in order to transfer the training to their partner. Just because it feels so good for them to have intercourse doesn’t mean that women don’t need more foreplay and to have the outside more aroused for them to enjoy the intercourse. They don’t get it, you have to educate them. That’s why it’s awful that many women from religious backgrounds feel guilt about touching their own body.
So what do you tell people who have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex?
I tell people to relax, and that it takes training to really have a good orgasm with intercourse, and a lot of stimulation. This is what I suggest to start with nice long foreplay, like oral sex–hello!–and/or using vibrators on the outside, on the clit, to encourage the clitoris. This will make it so you’re stimulated on the outside, which also increases the blood volume on the inside at the g-spot. The g-spot is sitting on the paraurethral gland–it’s like a little seat that the g-spot sits in–and if you stimulate the outside as well as the inside where the g-spot is, with intercourse in the right position you might be able to have an orgasm that way. And if you have a vibrator on the outside as he’s thrusting, your chances are much better. So tell him that. And remember that the nerve endings are mostly on the outside! Men don’t get it!
For me to have an orgasm usually things have to be more slow and I need to concentrate. But then sometimes I just want to be thrown around and just be fucked really hard, and that’s not really conducive to me having an orgasm, but I still like it. So basically I can still enjoy sex even if I don’t cum, if it’s the right kind of sex.
Yeah, but a lot of men aren’t OK with the girl not cumming because they have such egos. And of course you can fake orgasms, but if you fake it, you have to keep faking it, because then their ego is fed and you have to feeding it. That’s why it’s so important to tell him what you like in bed. You can say things like, “You know honey, the other night when you did this or that, that felt really good. Can you do a little bit more of that?”
On your website you heavily promote sex toys. Why are sex toys such a big deal?
The reason I tell a lot of people to use them is because they are a buffer. So like dual stimulators for women, rings for men, vibrators, bullet, etc. They are really good for people who have anticipatory anxiety about sex. At our age this generally isn’t a problem; people are just crazy horny and all they want to do is screw. But as you get older things change and there is a lot of emotion connected to sex. Some people begin to feel shameful because they don’t know if they perform well, and a lot of men lose their erections and whatnot, so I promote the toys as a buffer, because it allows people to focus on the toy and not be so focused on themselves.
That makes sense.
For example the Bullet is great for a woman’s clitoris, but it can also be used on the underside of the penis and be really stimulating for a man as well.
What about if you’re in a relationship where you fight a lot? How do you fix it?
I meet with couples about conflict resolution a lot. What I advise is for the couple to pick one night a week where they can spend half an hour with each other sharing one gripe at a time. You should make eye contact, be respectful, and use a good tone–soft and gentle–and then tell your boyfriend something that’s been bothering you, and then you have him reflect back what you just said so you know you’re being heard. And then it’s his turn. And if you allow time for these gripe sessions once a week it means you get your frustration out in a positive way, instead of arguing all week. You learn how to discuss and problem solve and to compromise better.
What if you are both passive people, so you almost never fight, but then when you do fight it’s like a gigantic horrible explosion?
Well, having an argument or a disagreement is not always a bad thing. No relationship is copescetic all the time; it’s unrealistic to thinks it’s going to be heavenly every day. You’re different people, you’re different sexes (sometimes), so of course you’re going to have disagreements. It’s the way that you handle them that’s important.
What do think about open relationships?
I think every relationship is different and if both of you are in agreement and you feel comfortable and you set clear boundaries about what’s OK and what’s not OK, then there’s nothing wrong with it.
Sometimes I think it’s better to be lenient than to put up these crazy boundaries, because then you just want to rebel against them, ya know?
Some people can’t handle that. They’re jealous as hell. Some people simply can’t handle someone having their hands one their woman, and vice versa.
Do you think sometimes a little bit of jealousy can be good for a relationship though?
I guess it depends on what you’re looking for in the relationship, because it can also be dangerous. The thing about sleeping with people outside of your relationship is that you run the risk of becoming emotionally involved. That’s the dilemma. Sometimes you don’t expect that to happen, but damn it, it does. And then what do you do?
So maybe it’s better to deny yourself of something that you want, because in the end it will make your relationship stronger for having made those sacrifices?
It definitely can, yes. But I also think that you’re very young, and that there’s nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality at your age. And even if you decide to make a commitment to someone and have children, you’re married for a long time! So have fun while you can! As long as you’re safe, of course.
Do you think it’s a good or a bad idea to sleep with someone on the first date?
What I say to a lot of the women who I work with is, “What’s wrong with building a relationship and building emotional intimacy by staying away from sex for the first three months?” Now at your age three months is forever, but for women in their 30s and 40s, spending three months in a casual relationship, going out to dinner, seeing a movie, dancing, etc, allows you to build emotional intimacy, and then when you do have sex it will be amazing and passionate. I’m not talking about one night stands or physiological release, I’m talking about women who are serious about getting involved in a relationship that they want to maintain. Then I would say give it a month or two–you don’t have to jump in the sack right away. Get to know them, see if there’s chemistry. It’s not all about the physical. The emotional is important too.
But what about people who are, like, twenty-two?
Well twenty-two is hot! If you’re twenty-two and you are exploring your seuxality, then I wouldn’t advise you to wait that long, of course not. I would say explore and have casual sex, but be selective and be careful, and wear condoms so you don’t get HIV!
One common question I get for my Ask Slutever column is from people who are around twenty, who are still virgins, who want to know if they should sleep with a random and get the first time over with, or if they should wait to have sex with someone they love. What do you think?
Very good question. I’ll tell you a story, the first guy I ever had sex with was a urologist. You know why? Because I really just wanted to get rid of that hymen and I thought, “who better than him to do it?” He was twenty-seven and I was eighteen, so it was kind of nice. It was more about getting rid of it. You don’t always have to be in love to have sex.
I think some people overthink the first time.
Yeah, some people analyze it too much. The most important thing is, if you’re going to have sex, you have to be sexually awakened. You can’t be coerced into it. Your body really has to want to have it. And if you want it, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex with someone you’re not in love with.
When I was young my mom told me not to have sex before marriage.
Oh god, why would you buy a pair of shoes without trying them on?! I know a case in point where a woman’s husband died and she remarried–the new guy was in his 50s and a multimillionaire–and after the wedding she found out he was impotent. She was furious!
That happened to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
I think that’s pretty damn stupid. I mean, come on!
If you’re in a relationship, how important is it to talk about sex with your partner?
Emotional intimacy is extremely important, and keeping a positive dialogue is extremely important in a relationship, and will bring you a lot closer. It’s definitely important to sit down and talk about sex, and what you like and what you don’t like, and what you prefer. And if your boyfriend cares about you deeply then he will want to please you, and visa versa. That’s where the emotional intimacy comes in.
I think sometimes people find it embarrassing to talk about sex really seriously.
Even in your generation?
Yeah. Like I think I almost find it easier to be really grotesquely blunt, and to say things like “I want you to bend me over that table and fuck me,” than to sit down with my boyfriend and seriously say, “This is what makes me feel good and this is what I think you should do for me.” It’s almost “too real”, ya know?
Well, guess what honey, it is real. But that’s what you need to do. And if you learn how to do it now you will have a more meaningful relationship later. You need to be real with each other. And if you can talk about sexuality, which is so intimate, then you can talk about anything.
Do women ever come to see you who feel guilty about violent fantasies they have, like rape fantasies?
No, it’s mainly men who come in with those issues, not women.
How do you make your sex drive higher?
Diet is very important. Dark chocolate: eat it, an ounce and a half a day, the darker the better. The orgasms are amazing. Visual stimulation helps to pick up drive too, or using a kegel exerciser to bring blood flow to the area. If you use that for twenty minutes a day that certainly will pick up drive and make your orgasms better. And exercise improves performance and makes orgasms better.
How many times a week should a couple have sex?
It depends on the couple and the drive of each person. Remember this: the person who has the lower drive controls the sex.
Don’t I know it!
