People Who Just Had Sex: Deep Gay Love

The new episode of People Who Just Had Sex is out, yay! If you’re unfamiliar with the series, the idea is simple–we go to people’s houses and talk to them before they fuck, wait around while they fuck, and then interview them again after they fuck. 

In this episode I meet Tobias and Brian, a Brooklyn couple who have had particularly unique and experimental sexual histories—from gay porn auditions, to Tobias losing his virginity on a plane, to three-way relationships, to a stint of anti-gay therapy prompted by the Mormon church. The couple met during pride in San Francisco five years ago, and after years of friendship they began dating seven months ago.

And if you’re still thirsty for more after you’ve seen the video, below, Tobias and Brian discuss all the juicy details of their sexual past and present that you didn’t see in the video.

Slutever: So, you guys both had pretty unique experiences when losing your virginities.
Tobias: Well, yeah, the first time I had sex was with a woman… on an airplane. I was 15, flying back to San Francisco from my boarding school in New York, and I was sitting next to this woman who seemed around 30. We were talking, and she got really drunk, and she eventually started slipping me drinks and rubbing my leg like “Oh, you’re so handsome.” She asked me what I did, and I said “going to school,” so I guess she assumed that school meant college. And then she just said “meet me in the bathroom.”

And you managed to full-on fuck in that tiny stall?
Well, she went to the bathroom first, and then I joined—she started to rub my chest, and I touched her breasts. And ya know, when you’re a teenager you get rock hard right away as soon as anything remotely sexual happens. She gave me a blow-job, and then she sat me down on the toilet and got on top of me, and in like 5 seconds it was over.

That’s a hard story to beat. Brian?
Brian: Well, I didn’t really do anything sexual with anyone before college. Then at college I worked at the gym on campus, and one day these two guys came up to me and said, “We’re going to a club tonight, do you want to come with us?” I was so nervous—I don’t think they knew that I was so new to this “gay thing,” but I was drinking my way through it. So they drove me downtown to this club and we were waiting in line to get in, and the one guy literally just put his arm around me and instantly I was rock hard. It was so embarrassing. I was wearing khaki pants and trying to cover myself, but he noticed, and I think it excited him. We ended up not even making it into the club, we just went back to his friend’s studio apartment with a couple other guys. So his friend took out a literal chair pad and put it on his kitchen floor and was like, “You guys can sleep there.”  We started making out, and soon his friends start watching. One thing led to another, and I ended up losing my virginity while two other guys were watching, jacking-off.

Did that turn you on?
At the time it was amazing. It’s so funny though, because when I look back, I never had that whole “romantic, losing my virginity” thing. But in a way I think it was a good thing to just get rid of it, ya know?

Yeah, I guess virginity is sort of like a disease. So you mentioned that you both auditioned for porn, but eventually decided against it. Have either of you ever considered other forms of sex work?
Tobias: I’ve done sex work before. I worked as a stripper, and as a naked cleaning guy, so when I auditioned for porn I’d had experience in the sex industry, but it’s completely different when you go on camera.

Naked cleaning guy—how cinematic. What were your clients like?
It varied. I had “stereotypical” guys that were huge and disgusting. I also had this one guy who had a totally filthy house. I walked in and was like, “Oh my god, am I really going to have to clean this?” And he was just like, “Whatever, just jack-off.” But then this other guy had a house that was eerily spotless, and he just wanted me to walk around naked wiping the clean counters while he jerked-off.

That sounds like a good job.
It’s a great job.

So do you guys ever use sex toys?
Brian: We have. I own a dildo, and we have wrist constraints that we use a lot. Tobias has a cock ring.

We gave you a double-hole sex toy from TENGA to try. I know at first you said that it was a little bit tight for Tobias but now there’s an ultra-sized version of the toy which is bigger. What I think is cool about it is that it’s a masturbation toy, but you can use it together, so it’s creates a different way of interacting with each other. I like to use a couples vibrator for that reason.
Yeah, that’s why I really enjoyed the toy too. When we first started dating, we did a lot of just mutual masturbation, which I think can be really intimate.

Brian: Yeah, when we started dating we waited almost two months before we had full-on sex. We fooled around, but it was important for us to take our time, because the goal was for this to be a serious thing. But masturbation with eye contact can be just as intense as sex. It’s hot watching someone give themselves pleasure—watching their movements, and learning what they like it. I personally really liked the egg masturbator too. It looks like your dick wouldn’t fit in it, but it’s actually really stretchy. It’s this really weird, squishy, stretchy material.

Tobias: I was using the egg on him, but I had to stop because he was about to cum, and we’d only just started fooling around.

Have either of you ever experimented with non-monogamy in the past?
Brian: I was in a three-person relationship for a year in college. The other two had been together for a couple of years before I joined, so I guess I was their “secondary parter,” as it’s called. And then sometimes we would bring even more people in, so I’ve had a fair amount of group sex.

Is that complicated?
It was fun, but yeah, it can get complicated. I ended up breaking up with them, but they stayed together.

But you guys are monogamous now, right?
Yeah, we’ve both had a lot of partners and casual sex, and what I’ve come to realize is that, when you’re in a relationship and building a life together, or even just building a sexual relationship together, the more you get to know that person, the better the sex is. And yes, I can find someone on my phone or go to a gay club and just have random sex, and it would probably be good, but our sex is better because of the level of intimacy we’ve established. I know that I have flaws, physically or whatnot, but I also know that Tobias is very accepting of me, so I can just be myself and not have to worry about ‘does my butt look good from this angle’ or whatever.

Tobias: Yeah, I think in terms of casual sex, you’re always trying to look good—to present a certain experience. But we’ve gotten to know each other on a very intimate level, and we’ve talked so much about our physical and emotional flaws. It did actually take me a while to get out of my head, but eventually I felt comfortable enough to Brian to let go, and that’s when sex becomes truly amazing.

Sex Toys Are The New Couples Therapy

Is a knife a sex toy? Pic by Michel Comte for Purple :)

Sci-fi masturbation machines, lesbian tool kits, boyfriends who are scared of your vibrator, the appropriate time to introduce your horsetail butt-plug to your new crush, and other stories… Read my latest Breathless column for Vogue HERE :)

Do Gurls like Toys More than Boyz?

This was originally written for

On the most recent episode of VICE’s People Who Just Had Sex, I interviewed a dominatrix named Samantha and her longterm boyfriend about bondage, love-making and masturbation. What didn’t make it into the edit was our conversation about how, judging from our own sexual experiences, women tend to be more comfortable using sex toys than men, both during sex and masturbation.

But why is that? I literally have a giant bag full of fake vaginas in my apartment right now (thus is the life of a sex writer), and I can’t even give them away. My girl friends all casually have vibrators on their nightstands, and swap sex-toy recommendations, but many of the guys I’ve dated have seemed embarrassed by the idea of sexual paraphernalia. Also, some have felt threatened by my wanting to use a vibrator during sex. I decided to consult my favorite sex therapist, June Tomaso-Wood, to ask her if it’s true that girls like toys more than boys.

So, is it true?
June Tomaso-Wood: Well, it’s true that some men find it emasculating to admit that they want or need a device in their sexual pay—even if it’s a girlfriend’s vibrator, which could potentially be stimulating to him as well—because young men want to be viewed as virile, sexually self-confident, and capable of satisfying a woman. There’s a lot of shame around sex for men in this culture, so even though masturbation is not necessarily taboo, because of course everybody masturbates, a lot of men choose to keep their mouth shut about it.

But are some of your male patients interested in toys?
Some are, yeah. I just sold an 82-year-old man a vibrator. He has a 92-year-old girlfriend, and he called me up and said, “The previous vibrator you sent me broke. Can you send me something better that’s going to last longer?” I kid you not. His girlfriend loves sex, but he can’t get as hard as he once could anymore, so to enable intercourse they use a product which decreases performance anxiety in the male, then he uses a bullet to get as hard an erection as possible, and he uses cock rings to keep the blood in his penis. During this she stimulates all her nerve endings down there with a dual stimulation vibrator, and then they have intercourse.

Wow, that’s amazing, but also seems really laborious. But I guess that’s OK because they’re old, and probably don’t have many other plans. Anyway, what about masturbation? The vibe I’ve gotten from some guys is, “I don’t need to jerk-off because I get laid all the time.”
What that signifies to me is cultural problem. Masturbation and sex are separate desires. Some men feel like it’s a feather in their cap to have many sexual conquests, and feel they need to be presenting themselves asa Don Juan and therefore don’t need to be masturbating.

When I’m having a lot of sex, I actually think I masturbate more. I always say: sex is like carbs, if you cut it from your diet, eventually you stop craving it. But as soon as I eat a bagel, all I can thinking about is eating another bagel.
Right, so often if you’re in the courting stage of a relationship, or really just in any exciting relationship, your dopamine receptors are very acute, so you’re sexually responsive, which means you’re thinking about sex all the time. And when you’re having a lot of sex you can remain engorged in the vaginal area, so you want to climax again and again.

As a girl, what are you supposed to do if your boyfriend gets weird about you wanting to use a vibrator during sex?
Well, that’s just an ego thing. He’s thinking, “What, I’m not enough?” They feel that their penis should be the be-all-end-all of your sexual life. But in reality, a vibrator can stimulate all of your 8,000 nerve endings very quickly, which gets you very wet and engorged with blood, and your muscles down there tighten, and a penis just can’t do it all—it can’t stimulate the woman on the outside. So you just have to explain to your partners that the toy isn’t a threat or a replacement, it’s just an added bonus. Of course, nothing can ever replace the penis, or the closeness of being with a partner.

Do you ever suggest to your make patients that they should use sex toys?
I’ve had men come to me addicted to porn, who are having trouble getting excited about intercourse, or who can’t reach orgasm during sex. See, when we watch porn, the dopamine receptors in our brains become very stimulated, so it’s exhilarating. Men know exactly how quickly and tightly to stimulate themselves while watching porn, and can reach orgasm quickly. But the problem is, when they then have actual sex, a real woman’s vagina doesn’t feel as good as their own hand, and they’re so depleted of dopamine that sex doesn’t feel as exhilarating. They’re used to holding their penises so tightly that it becomes less attractive to have intercourse than to masturbate watching airbrushed pornstars. So that’s when I transition men to male masturbator sleeves, because the sleeve is not gripped so tightly.

Yeah, Dan savage is always telling guys not to hold it so tight when jerking-off, because no vaj or butthole or throat will ever going to be as tight as your death grip.

People Who Just Had Sex: A Domme and her BF

I’m hosting the new season of VICE’s series People Who Just Had Sex, yay! If you’re unfamiliar with the series, the idea is simple–we go to people’s houses and talk to them before they fuck, wait around while they fuck, and then interview them again after they fuck. In this episode we meet Samantha and Thomas–they’ve been dating since 2009, she’s a dominatrix, and they are both incredibly hot. Enjoy! 

Celebratory Masturbation

May was national masturbation month. If, unlike me, your Facebook friends aren’t almost exclusively feminist bloggers and people who make vagina-based art, your FB feed may not have informed you of that important fact. In celebration, my new article for VICE lists some of my favorite facts and musings on the subject. Read it HERE :)

Future Sex Love Sounds

ET phone home…

I get a lot of vibrators in the mail these days–a perk of being a “sex writer” (barf). I appreciate all the gifts, but I think my clit is potentially becoming desensitized. I’m scared that if I keep going on this way, pretty soon I won’t be able to make myself cum using my own hand. Is that possible? I guess I could Google it, but I’m too lazy. Feel free to make unresearched speculations in the comment box below.

The strangest vibrator I’ve received thus far is definitely the Hello Touch by Jimmyjane, pictured above. It’s very Terminator-hand meets ET meets Spaceballs, set in a retro idea of the future. The way it works, as you can probably guess, is that those little pads on the finger tips vibrate, allowing you to stroke either yourself or your parter normally, except with added vibrating goodness. According to the package, the resulting sensation is “supernatural.”

When I first opened the box I was like “WTF is this?” Obviously. Despite having other Jimmyjane toys that I really love, I just couldn’t reconcile the idea of having sex with a battery pack strapped to my wrist. It just felt a bit too un-cute, if you know what I mean. However, a couple days ago my gf and I decided to give it a try, mainly because we were both really hungover and thought it would be lolz. (And also because we were too nauseous to go down on each other. Eww?)

She strapped the thing on first. As she used it on me I was pleasantly surprised. The feeling wasn’t wildly distinguishable from most other vibrators I’ve used, but what was great was that she could easily touch more than one part of me at once, without having to juggle two vibrators at the same time, which I suppose would be the alternative. Also, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can even stick the thing inside you and put the pad on your g-spot. (And I use the term “g-spot” very lightly, as I’m almost positive I don’t have one.) 

After a few minutes I got impatient and strapped the thing on my own hand. (But not before washing it first! Lesbos should have safe sex too ya know!) This was when things got really fun. Here’s why: When you put the machine on, the vibrations of the pads numb your fingers, and as a result you can touch yourself without it feeling like it’s you who’s doing the touching. Does that make sense? Like because your hand is numb, it creates the feeling that you’re being touched by someone else, rather than by your own hand. It’s really strange, but also feels amazing. (Almost… supernatural? Lol)

One small downfall to the Hello Touch is that the sound it makes is kind of annoying. It sort of sounds like when a fly gets trapped between a screen and a window. Although most vibrators sound annoying, to be fair, and at least this one is on the quieter side, especially for how powerful it is. Seriously, why are so many vibrators so loud? I have the Rabbit but I can’t bring myself to use it. It makes me feel like I’m masturbating inside a blender.  

Overall, if you can get over the cyborg aspect, I recommend trying this. You can even use it in the shower, as confirmed by this funny instructional pamphlet that comes in the box.

Oh, side note. This lube is great. I just got two boxes of it in the mail. I wish I could share some of it with you, not because I’m generous but because I feel embarrassed having two large boxes of lube next to my bed, like I’m suffering from menopausal desert-vaj at the age of 27.

Good Vibes all Around @ Opening Ceremony

 Me posing with my toyz. Pics by Matthew Kelly

I reviewed the new Tenga Iroha sex toys for Opening Ceremony. Now re-posted below:

Being a sex writer, erotic brands often send me things like vibrators and other sex paraphernalia, hoping I’ll give their product a shout-out somewhere on this grand ol’ internet. More often than not I only try the toy once before deciding that it sucks, and then throw it behind my bed where it stays forever in what I now refer to as the Vibrator Graveyard. My general thought about sex toys is: Why have sex with a loud, scary machine when I could just use my own elegant hand instead?

However, more recently sex toy manufacturers seem to be catching onto the fact that not all women want to masturbate with jackhammers (especially when we have roommates)! The best pleasure playthings I’ve come across in a very long while, hands down, come from the Japanese brand Tenga. As you may already know, for the past year Opening Ceremony have stocked a line of Tenga’s sex toys for men, which come in extremely cool, Keith Haring-print cases. And now, finally, Tenga has released a line of pleasure toys for women, so us girls can have fun too.

Called Iroha, the brand is designed for women, by women. (This seems ideal to me, given the lack of knowledge most men seem to have regarding what it takes to making a girl cum. Jeez…) The whole vibe of Iroha is very Japanese, from the product design to the general cuteness. The toys even look and feel like Japanese moshi, and I mean that in the best possible way. Like they’re sooo soft. I mean next-level, marshmallow soft. Holding one, you feel confused about whether you want to have sex with it or eat it, it’s just so tempting. The toys are also extremely quiet, to the point where they’re barely even audible, which is something I haven’t seen accomplished by any other vibrator before. They’re also very simple to use, and each toy only has two, non-intimidating buttons. (We want our sex toys to give us orgasms, not make us feel confused and helpless, thanks!) Plus, they’re a convenient size, easily fitting in the palm of your hand, or a small handbag, or even in your pocket (for lesbians, duh). And in order to recharge the toys you just lie them down onto the little recharge pad that comes in the box. See, easy as pie!

There are three toys currently available from Iroha, all with slight variations on the same design. One is partially insertable, (it doesn’t go in very far, but realistically how much stuff do you actually need up there, ya know?), one has a little indent that sits nicely around your clit (that’s my personal fave), and one is shaped like a light bulb and just feel good I guess (it’s the mysterious one). And all three are equally good with a partner as they are alone, because again, the quietness allows you to focus on the sex, rather than being distracted by the scary jackhammer sound. Good vibes for everyone!