What I Think Boys Think Is Cool

Boys are a very simple species, with tiny, uncomplicated brains, which means it’s pretty easy to figure out why they do the things they do, and like the things they like. In terms of style, it seems that most boys choose their clothes based on what they think will most likely get them laid, and what will make them feel most comfortable. Not that that’s a bad thing. We like it when you adorn your peculiar little angular bodies with stuff that makes us want to sleep with you. We’re horny too. These are a few things I think boys think are cool.

1. Looking like they’re in alt-rock band from Seattle on Sub-Pop

These days nearly every guy you meet looks like he’s a member of some Pitchfork-friendly indie band with a name like Wolf-Face or Magical Deer Children. Lots of plaid- lots of not showering- lots of growing ridiculous amounts of facial hair like it’s their ambition in life. As overdone as they are, I have to admit that check-shirts are hot. Facial hair is ok too, but kissing boys with beards is sort of a drag because it leaves a gross red rash all around your mouth.

2. Tattoos

Tattoos make boys feel like bad-asses. They’re sort of like the young male equivalent of getting your belly button pierced. However, any tribal arm bands or hideous Chinese symbol shit completely negates any sort of “rebel” effect, but rather just acts as a watermark for guys with small dicks who cry during sex.

3. Looking all philosophical

Looking like an introspective, Gothic matador is really popular amongst all the industrial, post-punk boys at the moment. It’s a good strategy really, because for some reason girls seem to go for guys that look like they might be gay. Also, us girls love projects, so if you look like you’ve probably got some deep-rooted emotional problem, or that your dad hates you, we’ll be the first ones in line to help make you all better.

4. Skinny jeans

I read somewhere that the skinniness of a guy’s jeans is directly related to his sperm count.

5. Bobble hats

All girls like stuffed animals, so it’s just common sense that if you dress up like one all the hotties are going to want to hug and squeeze and lick you.

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