You’re Not Real But I Love You Anyway

Everyone knows how it feels to fall for someone who doesn’t actually exist, whether it’s a character in a film, or the hero in your favorite a novel, or even the occasional cartoon (as IF you don’t want to bone Trent from Daria). I’ve always had a thing for fictional guys, and have spent the majority of my life lusting not after actors, but rather the characters they play. I don’t want Johnny Depp; I want Edward Scissorhands. I don’t want Matt Dillon; I want the drugstore cowboy. I don’t want Leonardo DiCaprio; I want the retarded kid out of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. It’s a massive mind fuck.

In light of this ongoing delusion, I’ve made a list of the top five film characters whom I most adore. They are as follows, in no particular order. (I thought long and hard about this by the way.)

Hallam, Hallam Foe

Psychos are hot. Freaks are hot. Fuck-ups are hot. Hallam is all of the above. Hallam is a teenage loner who essentially wants to fuck his mother. When his mother dies, he then diverts his attention to courting (or more like stalking) a look-a-like. Serious Oedipus complex. A complete freak, he spends the majority of his time lost in his own alternate reality, painting himself in his dead mother’s lipstick and trying to kill his step mom (who he later ends up fucking?). He’s like the ultimate lost soul, and in my book, demented equals desirable. I’ve always been attracted to the idea of disaster, self-destruction, sexual violence, etc, so Hallam is essentially my dream man.

Jimmy, Quadrophenia

Let’s be honest, Mod really is the sexiest of all fashions—so precise, so painfully cool. Jimmy is basically the ultimate Mod, from his tailored suits to his blind arrogance to his impeccable music taste. Not to mention Jimmy’s body is near perfect—washed out, gangly, scarecrow-like. Plus he’s got that classic British wonk face that I just can’t get enough of. I’m even into his slight drug dependency. I love a mess.

Mike, My Own Private Idaho

Uhhh… he’s a scarily beautiful gay junkie prostitute with narcolepsy. Need I say more?

Jamal, Slumdog Millionaire

Everyone is a sucker for a true romantic. Jamal is the ultimate romantic, devoting his entire life to chasing after his one true love. Super cheesy but whatever. Just looking at him makes me feel dizzy. Plus, I’ve recently developed a thing for Indians—both boys and girls. They’re fucking hot. I’d wear him like a scrunchy.

Theo, The Dreamers

I don’t think I really have to explain my physical attraction to Theo, but I’ll do it anyway. That god-like bone structure, those pouty lips, those dark brown curls, that statuesque figure—he’s like a fake person, carved out of stone. The guy is so beautiful it should be illegal. Plus his French accent is hot, and the way he moodily smokes his cigarettes is a serious turn on. So dark and mysterious. And then there’s all the stuff about him being a total fucking sadist… and part gay… and sexually attracted to his sist
er. Incest is so hot right now.

Alas, I love you but I will never have you.



18 Replies to “You’re Not Real But I Love You Anyway”

  1. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who thinks Dev Patel's come along very nicely since his Skins days.If you're into Indians, I know one (OK, he's Malaysian, but he looks Indian) who I'm sure wouldn't turn down any offers…

  2. OH GOD! My first crushes were Rick Moranis in Honey I Shrunk the Kids and George McFly. But I fell in love with Leonardo from What's Eating. I will have to check out the My Own Private Idaho guy. He is clearly so far up my alley that he passed out from asphyxiation!

  3. Does this mean you're over your last crush on the Secret Garden cripple? He's taken down the article he wrote about you on Don't Panic. Maybe someone told him to crawl down out of his own ass? What a sap. You're better than that, Karley.

  4. oh and i forgot…bart simpson cause he was just so badass.and malcolm in the middles friend in the wheelchair who could never breathe. i absolutley loved him to pieces.

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