I’m Gay I Guess (Life is Hard)

Follow me on Instagram, I’m @karleyslutever

I’m randomly gay now. I feel very oppressed; life is a daily struggle. My girlfriend and I get evil glares in the street, Christians throw rotten fruit at us, we’re not allowed in certain restaurants, and although we can get married in our (very hip and progressive) home of New York City, as a whole our country is not really supportive of our (potential) desire for a legal union, and therefore I hate America now. So I’m leaving.

I’ve decided to escape to Europe for a couple of months. I haven’t spent any considerable amount of time there since I moved to New York from London almost three years ago now (eek–time flies!), but as of this weekend I will be living temporarily in Paris. My gf will be coming for part of the trip too. Very “romantic” (barf). The gay stuff isn’t actually the reason why I decided to leave. I, of course, am aware that idiotic homophobic people exist in France too (WHY can’t you just accept us for who we are?! We were born this way, GOD!), and that there has been a string of recent hate crimes in Paris connected with French parliament’s current debate over the gay marriage bill. However, hopefully as of next week gay marriage will be legal in France! Yay! A win for Team Us!

No but seriously, it’s actually lolz how much more concerned I have become with gay politics since dating a girl. Like last week, while watching a series of Youtube videos regarding Prop 8, I came across that famous video of Dan Savage talking about anti-gay bigotry at a high school journalism convention (the one where all the Christian high schoolers walk out when he starts criticizing the bible). I was watching the video in my kitchen, and it was making me weirdly emotional, and then in walked my roommate (who by the way is also gay–we roam in packs). And so she was like, “Are you OK? Why are you crying?” And I was like, “Oh, I’m just generally crying for gay rights. I care about this stuff now, because I’m gay.” And she just laughed at me and said, “You’re not gay, you’re just slutty. There’s a difference.” And I was all, “Uhh… excuse me, is this a hate crime?!”

One interesting thing I’ve discovered since crossing over to the dark side is that gay sex is a lot more inventive than straight sex. Since “normal” P-in-V fucking isn’t an option, you have to be creative, and think up other ways to get off. Like I realize the question, “How do lesbians have sex?” seems sort of stupid and naive, but I honestly wasn’t entirely sure of the answer when I got into this. I know that people throw around the term “scissoring” a lot, but let me just tell you, that straight-up doesn’t work. And of course there’s oral, but you’re not always in the mood for that, and it’s also so one-sided. Taking turns giving and receiving pleasure is cool occasionally, but usually it’s the most fun if you’re both getting-off together, ya know? And the same problem exists with strap-ons. I did give in and buy a strap-on a couple months ago, because I was like, “This is what lesbians do, right?” but we barely even use it. It can definitely be fun, but I tend to get self-conscious when she’s fucking me with it, because I feel like she’s bored and it just doesn’t feel like anything for her. Stressful.

So, what’s the solution? Well, the majority of the time we just do hand related stuff, but again, it’s hard to do that effectively simultaneously, because you really have to concentrate and put in some effort if you want to make someone cum with your hand, and like… it’s just hard to find a position where you can both touch each other’s clits and not be awkwardly lying on each other in an uncomfortable position or whatever. See–ughhhh, being gay is hard! However, we’ve recently adopted a new way of fucking that is my favorite yet. Basically, this new method just involves us being in our underwear and grinding up against each other. I Googled it, and the technical term for this is frottage. (Good word, right? Very glamorous/French.) So essentially, what happens is that we simply lie on top of one another and rub our crotches on each other’s legs. It’s surprisingly effective, and it’s very safe STD-wise, because you literally don’t even have to be naked. And I’m pretty sure you can’t get pregnant from it either.

I was recently talking to my gay guy friend about this whole “inventive gay sex” thing (him and his boyfriend are both gay librarians–cute), and he saying how it’s difficult for gay guys because obviously it’s not always the “right time” to have anal sex. And I was like, “Oh, have you guys tried wiggling around on top of each other in your underwear?” and he was like, “Um… no…. but sometimes we masturbate together while holding hands.” I was like, “Aww, total cute alert!”

Anyway, I will soon be live-blogging my frottage encounters from Paris. I got some tips on hot Parisian sex parties and sex shops to check out too. Also, if you’re in Paris and want to invite me to cool stuff, email me here: karleyslutever@gmail.com <3

How Not To Make Money

Some people are good at making money. I’m not one of them. Just talking about money makes me profoundly uncomfortable–a fact that makes being paid for things pretty tricky! When I was younger this wasn’t really an issue, since money wasn’t something I necessarily wanted or cared about–when you’re 21, being a poor, hustling scavenger who eats out of supermarket garbage bins just makes you feel edgy/resourceful. However, as you get older, being broke starts to make you feel like a tragic unsuccessful loser/suicidal. Basically, now that I’m in my late twenties, money has suddenly become something I want, desperately, in large quantities, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get it. I suppose this is because as we age things like comfort and stability become more important to us. And considering that I still live behind a curtain and steal avocados from the deli, it’s evident that my life is neither comfortable nor stable (dammit!). However, in recent months I’ve been getting a bit more creative with my money-making techniques. I’ll start from the beginning.

My dad is possibly the most frugal man on earth. One of my earliest memories is of him teaching me how to wipe my butt, and him explaining that using “any more than three sheets of toilet paper” was a “waste of money.” First of all: WTF, second of all: unhygienic. Though our family was never poor–we were the middlest of middle class–my dad refused to spend extravagantly on anything, for any reason. Every summer, when my friend’s families went off to Mexico or Europe or wherever on vacation, my family went to New Jersey. NEW JERSEY, every year, without fail, from before I can remember all the way until after I graduated high school. Even when I was still in single digits, I could somehow sense that my life was lacking the element of glamor. (#FirstWorldProblems)

Growing up, my parents made it very clear to my brother and I that they wanted to teach us the value of the dollar. Aka they were cheap and never gave us any money. I got my first job when I was 15, bussing tables at a restaurant. When I turned 16 I got a job as a lifeguard at the local town reservoir, teaching swim lessons to children and casually saving people’s lives. I worked there with my high school best friend, Michelle. We’d sit together in our matching red one-pieces and fight about whose turn it was to go in the water every time someone started drowning.

After high school I moved to London for college. I only made it one semester before I realized that drama students are the most self-important, delusional people on earth, and subsequently dropped out. And since my parents obviously refused to help me out financially, I needed to get a job. (I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining about this, by the way. I strongly believe that being spoiled ruins people. You can find proof of this in the droves of self-entitled rich kids wandering aimlessly around New York–barf.) However the problem was that I was in England without a working visa, and therefore was unable to get a “real job,” so I had to find a way to make money under the table. Mind you, at this point in my life I didn’t have many expenses. I had moved into a squat and paid no rent, I dumpster-dove for all of my food, I got all of my clothes from thrift stores, and I stole everything else I needed. The only thing I really spent money on was alcohol and drugs (and tbh I got most of my drugs for free because I literally lived with three drugs dealers simultaneously #convenient). I barely wanted anything, but I had everything I wanted. My best friend and flatmate at the time, Matthew Stone, used to refer to this lifestyle as “penniless decadence.”

For cash, I started flyering for nightclubs. So basically I was that annoying person on the street who tries to hand you pieces of paper you don’t want. However, I quickly got fired from that job because they figured out that rather than actually handing out the fliers I was just throwing them in the garbage and drinking vodka on a park bench for three hours until it was time to pick up my money. After that I got another flyering job for a comedy club, however this time rather than handing out flyers I actually was the flyer. Like legit I had to wear one of those sandwich boards that says, “Comedy, this way!” with an arrow pointing in whatever direction. TRAGIC. I did that for about a week–potentially the most suicidal week of my life–until I finally had a mini breakdown during a shift and went and cried in McDonalds (with my sign propped up on the chair next to me, life a cardboard friend), pondering whether it was actually a bad idea to have dropped out of college.

My next crap job was working behind the bar at an English pub. They don’t tip in England, so bartenders just get paid an hourly fee. I made £5 an hour, which I’m almost positive is below minimum wage. During this time I had also become very skilled at finding money on the ground. I discovered that if I waited around in nightclubs, at the end of the night after everyone left I could find a lot of money on the floor. After a few months of this I realized that I was literally finding more money on the ground than I was making at the pub, so I quit. Next, at the age of 22, I got my first vaguely OK-ish job, booking bands and DJs at a bar in London called Catch. I worked 8 hours a week and got £80 for it, meaning I had a spending allowance of roughly £12 per day. That was SO MUCH MONEY to me. I remember having a phone conversation with my mom after getting the job, and telling her how excited I was that I could now afford to buy canned beets. She cried a little.

Over the next couple years I started making a small (aka very small) amount of money from writing. (Journalists are paid shit, I don’t recommend it as a profession.) However, when I moved back to New York in 2010, at the age of 25, I was suddenly faced with the need to do something I’d never done before: pay rent. As it turns out, even though I was a working journalist and was starting my VICE show, I still had no where near enough money to pay rent. The reason for that is because living in NYC is really expensive, but also because creative people are taken advantage of. It seems to be an assumption within creative industries that if you are a person who “does something you love,” then you should be willing to do that thing for free. Well, THAT’S FAR FROM THE CASE. Nobody wants or should have to work for free. And sure, I love writing, but let’s be honest I love laying down and staring into space more, so if I’m going to write I want some fucking $$$ for it, duh. I should have been a banker.

Anyway, for the last two years, to increase my income I’ve worked a few shifts a week at a Chinese restaurant. (But like trendy Chinese food, ya know? #important) However, I recently quit because refilling soy sauce bottles was starting to depress me, and I think that finally, FINALLY I have reached a point where I can support myself doing “things I love” without the help of a shitty part time job. “Things I love” include: writing stuff, peeing in people’s mouths, dominating pathetic men, selling T-shirts with my vagina on them, making videos, giving Jezebel readers questionable sex advice, and–my newest job!–going out to dinner with lonely rich guys who want to make it seem like they have a girlfriend when they’re out in public. Lololol–more on that in a post coming soon. Oh and my financial slave is back in the picture (the one who paid my rent for a while), but he’s kind of broke now so he’s not being so generous. Although I recently agreed to let him pay me in monthly installments (lol) in exchange for letting him eat me out when he comes to New York this Christmas. Cunnilingus payment plan!!

Email from slave:

This Week in Pics: The Instagram Version

Yay, my phone goes online!!! After years of suffering at the hands of my flip phone, I FINALLY gave in and joined the technologically glamorous masses. (One catalyst for the upgrade was when Sophia Lamar told me that no one at fashion week would want to sleep with me because my phone was so embarrassing.) But wow, having an iPhone is swell! It’s so nice that I no longer have to physically write down directions to where I’m going on a napkin before leaving the house–tragic! Also, the iPhone is clearly a great resource for sending people sexy photos. In recent weeks I’ve figured out that messaging someone a photo of yourself in the doggy-style position, with the caption “cum over,” works wonders. (You’re welcome.) Also, having a smart phone just generally makes me feel more glamorous. Gone are the days when the chefs at the Chinese restaurant where I work point at my phone and laugh amongst themselves. Gone are the days of texting people, “Sorry, can you email me that? My phone can’t receive pics.” Rather, these days my new favorite hobby is to walk into random restaurants and say, “Excuse me, would it be possible for you to charge my iPhone 5?”, even if my battery is completely full. Sigh… I love owning things.

On the down side, I have now become a full-blown phone addict, which is sort of worrying, considering I’ve always been so disgusted by those people who are constantly texting in public. Like, desperate! When I got the phone I rationalized that I was only staring at it so much because it was new and therefore exciting, and that as time passed I would get bored of it. But alas, no. It turns out that over time you just care less and less about being a rude text fiend, and before you know it you’re having lunch with your phone two inches from your face, furiously emailing in landscape mode.

So… yeah. You’re welcome for that insightful rant about what it’s like to have a smart phone. I’m sure you were all wondering. Below are some photos of what I’ve been up to recently (#filtered). Oh, and you should follow me on Instagram, obviously. I’m @karleyslutever  !!!

Slutever Vaj T-shirt: Feminist Dilemmaz!

Dear Karley, I bought a shirt from you like six months ago and finally wore it out in public yesterday. I live in this small ~close minded~ city and a friend of my mum’s saw me and texted her about it. My mum is FREAKING OUT! I was all, “It’s a feminist statement,” but she doesn’t agree and thinks I’m anti women’s rights, etc. How do I explain to her what your vagina on a shirt even MEANS?! Help, Gemma

OMG! You should tell your mom that you are supporting your favorite punk, female-empowerment sex blog, and that wearing a blog T-shirts is the modern equivalent of what wearing a band t-shirt meant when she was young. Also, mention that supporting a literary blog is way cooler and more refined than supporting a band because it means you actually read, and tbh liking bands is a bit lazy and “obvious,” ya know what I mean?

Explain to your mom that the vagina is a reproductive organ, and that it’s beautiful! Remind her that you came out of hers. Girls’ sexy parts are not only there to arouse boys, and by putting an image of a vagina on a T-shirt, over the chest, it’s turning the vagina into a symbol–a symbol of power yo!–rather than displaying it as an object of desire. Explain to her that being a feminist in 2013 is a lot different than it was in her day, and that now that we’ve basically won the battle we can be a lot more lol and playful about things, and that she should just take her Klonopin and chill out.

Also, your mom’s friend sounds like an uptight cunt. Hope that helps! xx

Murder in Robin Hood Hills

I recently got to speak with Damien Echols of the infamous “West Memphis Three,” following his release from death row. It was such an honor, as I’ve been following the WM3 through the various documentaries made about their case for years now! Below is an article I wrote about Echols for the current issue of Dazed and Confused magazine.

In order to paint a picture of Damien Echols’ character, you need only look at the footage of him, aged 19, in the final moments of his trial, as he was being sentenced to death for a crime he did not commit. “You will be administered a continuous intravenous injection of a lethal quantity of an ultrashort acting barbiturate, in combination with a chemical paralytic agent, into your body, until you are dead,” is how the judge put it. In this moment, Echols stood with his head tilted back, almost arrogantly so, totally collected. His posture was loose under his black T-shirt. Even as his girlfriend ran screaming from the courtroom, he never lost his cool. Ever sardonic, even in the face of death.

It was in 1994 that Echols was found guilty of the brutal murders of three 8-year old-boys. Convicted along with him were Jason Baldwin and Jessie Misskelley, aged 17 and 16, both sentenced to life in prison. Commonly known as the West Memphis Three, the teens were accused of murdering the children as part of a Satanic ritual, though there were questions hanging over their guilt from the very beginning. The story gained worldwide attention through the 1996 HBO documentary Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills, which detailed a series of investigatory errors that ultimately lead to a conviction of the WM3 under almost entirely false premises.

In the years since the murders, the perplexing and sensational case became the subject of two more Paradise Lost documentaries, multiple books and vast media and celebrity attention, in turn generating an army of devoted WM3 supporters. Finally, after 18 years and 78 days in prison, the men were released in 2011 based on a lack of DNA evidence. The release of Echols was one of the most high-profile releases of a death row inmate in American history.

Today, in an apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, Echols reclines in a floral armchair, next to a window overlooking Central Park. Dressed all in black, skin of a striking pallor, he appears tired. He’s in New York as part of a press tour for his new memoir, Life After Death, and to promote West of Memphis, a new documentary by the award-winning documentarian Amy Berg highlighting fresh evidence in the case. It’s been over a year since his release, but Echols has had little time to relax.

“People are always talking about this case like it’s extraordinary, but it really isn’t,” says Echols in his soft, Southern drawl. “This happens all the time–people get murdered, things get swept under the rug, and nobody thinks twice about it. We were three kids, bottom of the barrel, poor white trash. They thought they could just throw us in jail and we’d be forgotten. The only thing that made our case an exception was that there were film crews in the courtroom who caught everything on tape.It’s an eerily poignant statement, specifically given the recent string of criminal exonerations through DNA testing that have forced America to face the fallibility of its justice system. Since the first such case in 1989, over 300 people in the United States have been released from prison based on new DNA evidence, 18 of whom served time on death row.

It was in May of ‘93 that the bodies of the three young boys, Christopher Byers, Stevie Branch and Michael Moore, were found in a drainage canal in Robin Hood Hills, a wooded area in the small town of West Memphis, Arkansas. This is the America where nearly one third of the population lives below the poverty line, and more than one in four people have below a high school education. It’s Bible Belt country, the land of teased hair, where people are born but rarely leave, and where time moves slowly, or not at all.  

When found, the bodies of the children were stripped nude and each had been hogtied with shoelaces–right wrist to right ankle, left wrist to left ankle. The bodies appeared to have been mutilated, specifically Byers, who was found castrated. Unsurprisingly, the grotesque nature of the murders had emotions in the town running wild, intensified by rumors of rape, forced oral sex and genital mutilation.

The murders happened during a time when an irrational fear of Satanic cult violence was sweeping America, fueled by sensational media coverage. Police officers in West Memphis felt that the crime had “cult” overtones, which led them to suspect Echols–a self proclaimed Wiccan whose black clothing, long hair and affection for heavy metal and the occult made him an outsider in the small, conservative town.

Looking for information on Echols, police questioned his acquaintance Jessie Misskelley, whose IQ of 72 classified him as mildly disabled. After being interrogated for nearly twelve hours, Misskelley confessed to the crime, implicating Echols and Baldwin (Echols’s close friend) along with him. There was doubt surrounding the confession from the get-go, as many felt it was coerced out of Misskelley through leading questions by the police, and because parts of Misskelley’s statement were inconsistent with the facts of the crime. Though he recanted his confession within hours, it played a major part in the three convictions.

If we understand that a trial is a contest of competing narratives, then we can also understand how a particularly dramatic narrative has the power to outcompete truth. In the trials that followed, the prosecution clung to their story that the murders were performed as part of a Satanic ritual, implicating Echols based on his character and appearance rather than concrete evidence. In keeping with the convoluted nature of the case, the conditions of the release were bizarre. Under a deal with the prosecutors, the three men had to plead guilty to the murders, while still declaring their innocence–what is known as an “Alford plea.” For everyone involved in the defense, the deal was bitter sweet.

“There are so many people and things and situations that formed the chain that got me out of prison, that if you remove one single link in that chain, I’d be dead right now,” says Echols flatly. “And the very first link in that chain was the first documentary, which I really feel played a huge part in saving my life.” The original courtroom footage, referenced by Echols earlier, would act as the basis for what would become Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills. Seen by millions, the documentary rallied celebrity support: Johnny Depp launched a campaign for their release, rock stars Eddie Vedder and Henry Rollins performed benefit concerts to raise awareness and funds, and Peter Jackson went as far to finance a new investigation of the crime. However, the heart of the movement was always about the kinship people felt with the three young men inside, who became reluctant martyrs, of sorts, in the name of every kid who’s ever been picked on, singled out, or called a freak. It’s a strange place to be in: solely by virtue of being wrongly convicted, you are suddenly a celebrity, a hero. But Echols always played the part well. He was the perfect bad boy: young, beautiful, irreverent, articulate. The courtroom footage of him is remarkable–goofing off for the camera, styling his hair, smiling charismatically, ultimately too pure to think he could ever be convicted for a crime he didn’t commit.

There’s one particularly chilling interview with Echols on Court TV, filmed two years after his sentencing, where an off-camera interviewer asks him if there’s anything he wishes he could change about his life before the trial. To this he responded, “I don’t think I’d change anything that’s ever happened in my entire life. I don’t think there was anything I could do to change [what happened]. What, become a clone? Give up my personality? Give up my identity? Just march along like everyone else? I’d rather die.”

Following his release, Echols and his wife (who he fell in love with and married while in prison) moved to New York City, where they lived for a year before moving to Salem, Massachusetts, last fall. Salem, the home of the witch trials and a modern Mecca for alternative spirituality, seems an all too fitting place for Echols, who became passionate about energy work and meditation while incarcerated.

“Salem is the only place in the world where I’m in the majority,” he laughs. “While I was in prison, I was ordained in the Rinzai tradition of Japanese Buddhism. I also had to learn Reiki and Qi Gong energy working techniques, because on death row there’s no medical care, because there’s no point in spending time and money on someone you’re going to kill. I was in solitary confinement for ten years, I didn’t see sunlight for almost a decade, and I was eating garbage. There were times when I was so sick that I literally thought I was going to die before the night was over, times when I was in the most horrendous pain, and the only things I had to rely on were these energy techniques.”

Echols also devoted a large amount of his time inside to reading and writing. Though he dropped out of school in 9th grade (the highest formal education of anyone in his family), Echols is an autodidact who read obsessively from a young age, including literally thousands of books while incarcerated. “For the first few years I was in prison, I couldn’t write, because I was so psychologically scarred by the way the police and lawyers had taken my own writing and twisted it to use it against me,” he says, referring to things he’d written as a teenager that dealt with the occult, which were later used as evidence of his Satanism. “I really had to force myself to work through those emotional and psychological blocks in order to write.” In 2005, he self-published his first book, an autobiography titled Almost Home. While inside he also wrote lyrics with Pearl Jam and Michale Graves of The Misfits. His new memoir, Life After Death, avoids the details of the case, instead discussing his life on death row, as well as his childhood.

Something that is clearly absent from Echols’ story is the presence of his family, who do not appear in the documentaries. “I’ve never really been close to my family,” he says. “My father left when I was seven, and my mother gave me away to my grandmother when I was three years old, because she couldn’t raise both me and my sister. So my grandmother was really the only person I considered family, but she died when I was in jail waiting to go to trial. I saw my sister maybe twice in the entire eighteen years I was in prison. My biological mother came to see me a handful of times, but it was always pretty fucking horrible.”

However, in light of a new Hollywood film being made about the case, Echols’ mother and sister have suddenly appeared in the media, and have undertaken the dignified pursuit of selling Echols’ merchandise for their own personal profit. They also have a book coming out, detailing their side of the story. “The funny thing is, I haven’t known my mother or sister to read a book in their entire lives, but now they’ve apparently written one,” he laughs. “Somebody brought to my attention recently that they were selling t-shirts with my tattoos on them. They’re not making any effort to reach out to me, but they’re selling t-shirts, key-chains, coffee mugs, and fucking cell phone covers.” Somehow, Echols tells this story without revealing the slightest bit of anger. Always calm, always in control. “I don’t hate them,” he says. “I just want to stay as far away from them as possible.”

Filming is now underway on the movie, the Atom Egoyan-directed Devil’s Knot, which stars Reece Witherspoon and Colin Firth, and is based on Mara Leveritt’s book of the same name. The film credits Baldwin and Misskelley as executive producers, a fact which has led to a public falling out between Baldwin and Echols. “That movie is foul,” says Echols. “They’re saying it’s based on Leveritt’s book, but nothing in it is accurate. In the screenplay there’s a scene where Reese Witherspoon, who plays one of the victim’s mothers, wakes up in the middle of the night and sees me standing in her bedroom with blood running from my mouth, from when I’d been chewing on the bodies. There’s another scene where I take a woman to a satanic orgy and cut her and drink her blood. And the people making the film say, “Oh, that’s just a dream sequence,” or “It’s just illustrating what someone is thinking.” But you know when they make the trailer that those are the scenes they’re going to stitch together.” The movie also completely cuts out Echols’s wife from the story, who according to Echols did 85% of the work on the case, and even quit her job to work on it full time. “But I’m not allowed to say much more about it,” he says, “because they’ll sue me.”

Since his release, Echols has also done some acting himself, playing a part in the upcoming IRL, about a girl’s (Sky Fererria) dark adventures in NYC. The 20-minute short was directed by Grant Singer and written by Dazed contributor, Patrick Sandberg. “I play a guy who works in a gun shop who tries to convince Sky that she needs weapons to protect herself against the monsters in the big city,” he laughs. “I liked doing it, mainly because it felt very ‘New York’.”

But Echols can’t devote his life to movies and meditation and casually hanging out with Johnny Depp just yet, for there is still work to be done. Because the WM3 technically plead guilty to the murders, no further action can be taken in the case until the three are exonerated. West of Memphis focuses on this goal, and also highlights a possible new suspect in Terry Hobbs, the stepfather of victim Stevie Branch. The film reveals that new forensic tests found DNA from Hobbs (who has a history of violence) at the crime scene. The film also displays expert testimony stating that the “mutilation” of the bodies, originally thought to be evidence of Satanic ritual, was more probably the result of post-mortem animal predation in the wooded area where the bodies were found.

Hobbs is an eerie character. In light of the accusations against him, he has created his own, early-2000’s-looking website, TerryHobbs.com, with a seemingly over-compensating header-bar that reads, “I am a quiet, laid-back man who loves my children and is always there when needed. I love to play guitar and write uplifting music–every message is positive.” If you scroll down you will also notice that the website full of off-putting photos of him “goofily” reenacting stabbings in a wooded area with his family members, with captions like, “The day was beautiful and we enjoyed it like a regular family. Nobody was fighting and there wasn’t any drama.”

“The person who killed those three kids is still out there walking the streets,” says Echols sternly. “I’m not pointing a finger at anyone, I’m just saying we should let the evidence speak for itself. Not myth or rumor or ghost stories, but concrete, physical evidence. There is significant evidence against Hobbs–there’s DNA evidence linking him to the crime scene and three eyewitnesses who say they saw him on the day of the murder, with all three boys.”

“It makes me feel physically sick to talk about this,” he continues. “The only thing I can compare it to is being car sick. But as hard as it is to keep ripping open these wounds, I understand that it’s a necessary evil. I’m looking forward to the day when I can finally put this all behind me, but this isn’t the time, this isn’t that day.”

P.S. Here’s a link to stream the 3rd and final installment of the Paradise Lost documentary series, which covers everything from the crime all the way through to the release of the WM3.
 

Random T-Shirt Whatever!

Remember a while ago I told you that I was selling Slutever T-shirts? And that wearing one would make you instantly cooler, more sexually desirable, and more famous all at once? Well, I still have a handful of T-shirts left. They’re $40 + shipping, and they are like a piece of fine art in that they will increase in value over time, obviously.

They are a limited edition run of 200 only, and they are super soft. I wear mine to bed, because it’s sort of tragic to wear a photo of your own vaj on your tits in public, right? IDK. If you want one, please email me at karleyslutever@gmail.com with the subject “T-shirt,” and please tell me what country you live in and what size you would like in the initial email. They run in sizes s-m-l-xl, and run like American Apparel men’s sizes. (I have mainly smalls left, FYI, and a small fits me well, if slightly loose.) Payment by Paypal only.

Check out these cool cats modeling the Slutever T! Also, if you have a T-shirt, pleeease send me a pic of you wearing it to karleyslutever@gmail.com!

That’s Kimberly Kane in the photo above. OMGGGG! And that glamorous pencil drawing is by Ally DeVellis.

Also, here’s some glamorous reader art. (If you made one of these and I didn’t credit you, please email me and I’ll fix it. I’m unorganized and lose track of who send me what, oops :/)

My slave is an idiot.

Also, here’s a couple emails I recently received. I thought I would share these two gems with you, to give you an idea of what I go through every day. Like, WTF is that dude? A photo of your dick wrapped in swaddling blankets? I just puked in my own mouth.

I particularly love this one. It’s great to wake up in the morning to an email in your inbox with the subject line, “You’re complete shit lol.” This guy is criticizing my Jezebel column and saying that I give bad advice (WHAT?!), but his criticism of the column is that it makes him laugh… makes him laugh, because it’s so bad, it seems. But the kicker is, the whole point of writing something that’s intentionally funny is to make people laugh… right? Shit, now I’m confused.

 

gross but not boring

Pic by Nobuyoshi Araki

Working as a Dominatrix, over time one becomes–how should I put it?–desensitized to one’s surroundings. This is nothing out of the ordinary. It’s easy to imagine that a neuroscientist, at the beginnings of his career, might find it difficult to scissor the head off of an innocent little mouse, but that eventually this would become second nature. Basically, what was once thought to be horrific, even evil, can in time become totally NBD—the sort of thing one does while simultaneously re-Tumbling photos of cupcakes.

When I started working as a Domme, everything was overwhelming. For example, golden showers: the idea that men were willing to pay me to piss into their mouths completely floored me (and left me with the sinking feeling that I’d spent my life flushing millions down the toilet, literally). And then there was the stress of the execution. “Will I be able to go when it’s time to go?” “Will drinking too much coffee make my pee taste bitter, i.e. less expensive?” “How many hours before go-time should I start drinking water in order to facilitate maximum bladder-fillage?” Etc. However, two years down the line, I’m now able to casually shoot a tropical storm out of my vaj straight into the back of someone’s throat, on cue, without batting an eyelid.

And then there’s the issue of fucking guys in the ass. The first few times I did this, I found it disgusting (especially since most straight guys aren’t schooled in receiving anal, and thus are not good at “cleaning out”–barf.) Yet over time I’ve learned to deal with all the weird gunk that comes out of a person’s body in a very pragmatic, professional way. Kind of like a doctor, only not at all.

However, in a world of familiar extremes (as BDSM tends to be), often it’s the people and situations that you least expect that end up leaving you shell-shocked. For instance, a slave asking to be whipped and locked in a cage may seem extreme on a superficial level, but really this is just the BDSM equivalent of telling someone you’re “into music.” (Like, spare me, please.) Ultimately, it’s the more obscure, refined fetishes that prove most intriguing.  An example:

Recently, a Dominatrix friend of mine put me in touch with a client of hers who is “into sweating.” Sure, I thought, Nothing strange there. “Sweat porn is so hard to come by,” the client wrote to me in an email. “I’ve found a few videos where the actors get a bit moist from exertion, but usually it’s clear that they’re being oiled up or sprayed between takes, and 99% of sauna porn is just sex in a switched off sauna. What gives?!” My immediate assumption was that he’d want to lick sweat from my feet, or to do a sweaty role-play wrestling session or something. As it turns out, the session involved me drinking lemonade on the couch of his apartment while he put on layer after layer of flannel shirts, socks and sweatpants, and then processed to run (at a compromised speed, obviously) on the treadmill. Sometimes, when he’d slow down, I’d yell at him to run faster. About twenty minutes later, when he looked like he was about to die, he stopped and undressed. He then took his sweatiest layers of clothing, wrung them out into saucepan, and drank the excess. I sat across from him, sipping my lemonade, giggling, and telling him he was gross. Gross, but not boring, which is ultimately (and obviously) worse.

Pulp Fiction

Richard Prince and the Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society, reading copies of The Catcher in the Rye, By Richard Prince

Last week I hung out at Richard Prince’s private bookstore, Fulton Ryder. The store’s shelves are full of Prince’s amazing collection of old pulp novels, and the walls are covered in original pulp cover art. The books tend to favor themes of drugs and sinful lesbian affairs–two of my favorite things, especially when combined—and have catchy names like LSD Lusters, Gay Interlude, and Pussies and Pot.

Sexy drug stuff:

Also casually hanging at Fulton Ryder was the Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society, obviously. TPF are a group of girls who hang around with their boobs out reading pulp fiction, as I suppose their name makes pretty clear. Their motto is “making reading sexy,” although I might amend that to “making reading sexier,” as we all know reading is the sexiest extracurricular activity (way sexier than football, which is actually quite violent/scary). As John Waters said, “We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them!”

The girls spent the afternoon sexily reading selections from Prince’s pulp collection, and eating cupcakes. The group generally do their topless reading in public, mainly in parks, as a way of taking advantage of the (rarely exercised) right of women to go topless in New York. This isn’t the case everywhere in the USA—remember the Open Carry Topless girl? She’s the girl who protested New Hampshire’s open carry law by walking around topless with a pistol strapped to her waist. In NH it’s legal to casually walk the streets with a loaded gun in your hand, but illegal to show some nipple. (#America) Thank god for NYC, where we are free to bralessly read romance novels wherever we please.

Anywayz, I really enjoyed hanging out with the TPF because they’re all really sweet, and also because it was just cool to be the most-clothed person in a room for once.

Prince surrounded by topless babes reading copies of his appropriated novel, The Catcher in the Rye, by Richard Prince:

Pulp babes posing in Prince’s studio, next to some art-in-progress:

In Defense of Hipsters

Pic @ Sandy Kim

By now many of you probably know about the recent New York Times article, “How to Live Without Irony,” by Christy Wampole, since it’s been getting so much attention that it basically exploded the internet. For those of you who don’t, Wampole’s article is a superficial analysis of “hipster” culture in which she scoffs at our generation for its lack of sincerity, and for viewing the world through irony-tinted glasses. Here’s how it begins:

“If irony is the ethos of our age — and it is — then the hipster is our archetype of ironic living. The hipster haunts every city street and university town. Manifesting a nostalgia for times he never lived himself, this contemporary urban harlequin appropriates outmoded fashions (the mustache, the tiny shorts), mechanisms (fixed-gear bicycles, portable record players) and hobbies (home brewing, playing trombone). He harvests awkwardness and self-consciousness. Before he makes any choice, he has proceeded through several stages of self-scrutiny. The hipster is a scholar of social forms, a student of cool. He studies relentlessly, foraging for what has yet to be found by the mainstream. He is a walking citation; his clothes refer to much more than themselves. He tries to negotiate the age-old problem of individuality, not with concepts, but with material things.”

Perhaps someone forgot to inform Christy that it’s 2012, and that most of the urban world has now moved on from this, because people finally accepted that there was no succinct definition of the vague term “hipster.” Not only was her article a word-salad, but it was so DATED that I felt physical pangs of second-hand embarrassment while reading it. I’m not generally one to respond to any of the ubiquitous “anti-hipster” commentary, because I feel that anyone who mocks hipsters is so obviously doing so out of cluelessness and jealousy, that simply being the hipster-mocker is punishment enough. How embarrassing and shameful to be you, hipster mocker, for your lack of self-awareness. Surely people by now understand that if the term “hipster” stands for anything it’s simply someone who is culturally aware, stylish, and who has an obscure knowledge of interesting music, film and art. Do people seriously not realize that mocking someone for being cool, interesting and stylish only highlights the fact that you are none of these things?! Helllooooo!

Christy also invites us to analyze ourselves, and check for symptoms of the dreaded irony disease:

“Here is a start: Look around your living space. Do you surround yourself with things you really like or things you like only because they are absurd? Listen to your own speech. Ask yourself: Do I communicate primarily through inside jokes and pop culture references? What percentage of my speech is meaningful? How much hyperbolic language do I use? Do I feign indifference? Look at your clothes. What parts of your wardrobe could be described as costume-like, derivative or reminiscent of some specific style archetype (the secretary, the hobo, the flapper, yourself as a child)? In other words, do your clothes refer to something else or only to themselves? Do you attempt to look intentionally nerdy, awkward or ugly? In other words, is your style an anti-style? The most important question: How would it feel to change yourself quietly, offline, without public display, from within?”

BARF. As if people who like to dress wacky are automatically invalid as humans.

Irony is a good thing; it’s our way of undressing the world, of viewing people and things and situations on multiple levels. Take away irony and you just become a one-dimensional yoga person who loves astrology and talks to strangers about your aura. Well, no one gives a shit about your fucking aura, and no one gives a shit about you either Christy, which is clearly why you wrote this bullshit, redundant article: out of resentment. In my opinion, your article felt less like an honest analysis and more like a personal vendetta–you’re angry at yourself for for being so uncool, or some hipster didn’t sleep with you, or whatever. Your article went in way deeper than was necessary, a sign of distress. If only you had original ideas, then you wouldn’t be left regurgitating the same Midwestern mom-talk bullshit we’ve been hearing since 2006.

When I emailed Hamilton hoping that he would share in my anger, he replied only: “Did you Google image search the author? I can neo-sincerely say that anyone who has such awkward self portraits online is incapable of saying anything of value.” And then I did Google her, and found the selection of photos you see below, in which she is apparently 100% honestly posing with her face reflected in a broken mirror, which I can only assume is a totally non-ironic representation of her fragmented soul. LOLOLOLOL.

Casually and sincerely reading an ancient book NBD

Also, as a recent VICE article points out, Wampole is in a really shitty band with a SELF-WRITTEN WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I legit can not think of anything more #tragic.

Hipster bashing is essentially cool bashing, and I feel like I need to point out that being cool is not a bad thing, because the opposite of cool is someone who’s boring and uninteresting and normal and looks like shit. And it’s better to be cool than uninteresting. OF COURSE IT IS. And anyone who argues otherwise is quite obviously uncool.

Irony is the backbone of humor, Christy, and you are clearly a humorless, frigid bore. Of course it would be unattractive if an entire generation was just ironic, and nothing else, but that is far from the situation. So, please feel free to continue being sincere, taking humorless photos of your shadow reflected in ponds, and dressing in clothes that reference nothing except the TJ Maxx sale rack. But please do so far, far away from me, because you’re cramping my trendy, irreverent, ironically slutty, Williamsburg blogger-chick style. Or whatever. I don’t actually care. #aloof