Category: Sexy Advice

Dating 101: Slutever’s sex and love advice

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Ask a Lesbian

Ever wished you had a wise lesbian BFF you could turn to in all of your queer quandaries? Well, now you have Scout Durwood,  an enlightened queer lady and LA-based comedian, currently appearing on Oxygen’s show Funny Girls. She also writes the very funny (and helpful!) blog, Sex Advice from a Lesbian. Today, Scout discusses how to stop becoming obsessed with straight girls, and whether hitting on chicks is actually more complicated than hitting on dudes. Continue reading “Ask a Lesbian”

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Slutever + Dr. Zhana on HuffPost’s Love + Sex Podcast – 11 Awkward Sex Questions

What the F is a “dry orgasm?” Why is MILF porn so unbelievably popular? What should you do when anal sex unexpectedly gets messy (and what can you do to help make sure it doesn’t)? Dr. Zhana (AKA Slutever’s “Ask a Sex Researcher” and I went on HuffPost’s “Love + Sex” podcast to answer 11 sex questions that you might be too shy to ask your friends. Continue reading “Slutever + Dr. Zhana on HuffPost’s Love + Sex Podcast – 11 Awkward Sex Questions”

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Ask A Lesbian

By Scout Durwood /

Ever wished you had a wise lesbian BFF you could turn to in all of your queer quandaries? Well, now you have Scout—aka Slutever’s new guest “Ask a Lez.” Scout Durwood is a Los Angeles based comedian, currently appearing on Oxygen’s comedy show, Funny Girls. She also writes the very funny (and helpful!) blog, Sex Advice from a Lesbian. I’ll now be nagging her to answer your reader questions (aka share her scissoring advice—j/k?) here on Slutever semi-regularly. 

1. I’m a 26 year old bisexual girl, and I’m currently in my first same-sex relationship. I’ve been dating my girlfriend–who’s full lesbo–for 6 months now. I see our relationship progressing, and I’ve met her family, who are totally cool. But I can tell she feels weird that I haven’t yet told my family we’re together. My parents are conservative and religious, and I just think they’re going to freak out if I tell them I’m with a girl. Do you have any advice for me? Do I have to tell my parents? Should I wait another 6 months before I tell them, in case me and my gf end up breaking-up, and then I gave my parents heart attacks for no reason? And if I do tell them, how should I go about it? Confused Bi Lady

Dear Confused, 

Coming out is like prom: some of us had an amazing time and can’t believe they were ever stressed out about it in the first place, some of us spent most of it in tears, and never want to speak of it again, and some of us decided not to go at all. I can say from experience that in general, hiding your sexual identity is WAY more stressful than sharing it, but if you think this may be just a one girl thing, then there is no harm in waiting it out to see if it sticks. Each of us is constantly evolving. Give yourself plenty of time to grow. 

Second of all, congratulations, and welcome to the tribe! It sounds like there are three relationships at play here, so let’s take them one by one. First, you have the relationship between you and your girlfriend. Of course, you must support each other when times are tough, and be willing to compromise when times are even tougher. But it sounds like you’re already on the right path there. Relationship two, however, may be even more important, and that’s your relationship with your sexual identity. Whether and when you talk to your parents about being bisexual is about your relationships to men and women, not about your relationship with any one man or woman in particular. If you want to talk to your parents about being bi, then do it. Your girlfriend will be there to love and support you. However, this is your journey, not hers. Remember, you are coming out as bisexual, not coming out as someone else’s girlfriend.

As for when and how to do it, to thine own self be true. My general advice is to avoid pairing it with a major holiday or get-together, as there will already be a lot going on, and no one likes to multi-task. Pick a quiet time to bring it up to give everyone involved time and to react, ask questions, and respond in his or her own time. When I came out to my mother, she gave me some of the best advice I have ever received. Any tears there were to cry, she said, were hers to get over, not mine to explain.

The third relationship, is your partner’s relationship to her sexual identity. If she is out and proud, it may be hurtful for her to feel she has to hide who she is or to not be able to participate in an important part of your life, like family. It’s a balancing act, for sure, so play it like it’s chess, not checkers. It isn’t about leaping across the board, it’s about positioning yourself to make a victorious move in the end. 

2. I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months. He’s a super hot babe, very nice and funny, and the sex is good. However, he’s a bit lazy and not super social. I get that he likes to chill in his room and smoke bongs or whatever, but I always end up doing the 10 minute walk through our dodgy neighbourhood to his place at night, and when I suggest him coming over he always makes excuses or just can’t be bothered! I’m a pretty laid back person, and we really do get along, but it’s starting to make me feel like shit that I just walk over to his house to have sex when he’s high. Also, a week ago, we had fun dinner and then came back to mine and hung out and had sex, and then he left at 11pm. Anyway, do you think he may like me and is just lazy, or do you think he is just using me for boning and BJs? Ugh.

Dear Ugh,

Welcome to the “kiss or kill” moment in any extended hook up situation where one must dig deep within oneself and ask the age-old question: “What is this?” Said hook up dude is not acting like your boyfriend. He doesn’t come off as a great compromiser, and he doesn’t sound like he would impress your friends at parties. If you like where things are in terms of bong hits and sex, then stay in it as long as you like! But you did use the red flag phrase “starting to make me feel like shit,” which implies that you would prefer a revised situation. Unfortunately, it takes at least two consenting parties to be in a full-fledged relationship, and this fella doesn’t scream “ready to commit.” 

You have two options. One, ghost this guy, never speak to him again and hope he learns his lesson. Two, get ready to wade into the dangerous waters of “talking about your feelings.” Should you choose option two, which I think is a stronger choice, but totally up to you, do so with confidence and intention. Having the same argument over and over is death to any relationship, so next time he booty calls and your bootie isn’t up to be called, let him know that you’re not up for it, and suggest an interaction in the human world, instead. If he says no, then he is making the choice not to see you. His loss. Don’t do things that make you feel like shit. Ever. Unless it’s delicious Mexican food, and you feel like living on the edge. 

Keep the parts of this that bring you joy, try to have a positive influence on the parts that do not, and know that, in the end, you have to be willing to walk away. It is up to him to decide when he is ready to put the bong down and walk his own damn dog, and it is up to you not to do things that you resent having done. From what you’ve described, I’d be over it, too. 

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Ask A Porn Star: Kayden Kross

By Vera Papisova /

When I told my friends I was going to start this column, Kayden Kross was the girl all the boys wanted me to interview. She is one of porn’s most coveted treasures, and a few years ago she landed one of the highest-paying performing contracts in the industry. She’s kind of a big deal. 

Did I mention she’s been published in the New York Times? (It’s a great personal essay that was part of the Modern Love column.) Yup – and she’s also written columns for Complex magazine and XBIZ Magazine (her take on LA’s Skid Row and the New Era of Celebrity Porn Stars are gold.) My favorite find, though, has to be this lovely ode to cum for xcritic.com. (The site is NSFW, but Google it sometime.)

Like other porn stars, Kross uses her popularity as a platform for business ventures. She most recently launched a site for curated smut called TRENCHCOATX.com with fellow adult star Stoya, and it’s blowing up. So, without further ado, here’s what Kayden Kross has to say about the perfect date (ice cream is involved), sex workers finding love, and *Hallelujah emoji* why the girl you’re with can’t orgasm.

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1.) Your best cunnilingus/blowjob tip:

Treat them as one and the same—techniques scaled to size, of course.

2.) Your favorite sex toy:

My Fleshlight!

3.) What’s your ideal date?

I think an accidental date would be ideal. You go out, start going through the motions of other plans, meet someone off chance, find yourself eating ice cream and telling stories at the end of a pier off the coast of Mexico around midnight. Something like that. Maybe not Mexico. Piers are everywhere, though.

4.) “Why can’t she orgasm?” 

There’s a handful of options: You’re putting too much pressure on her. She doesn’t like you. You’re blowing out her senses by going too hard/fast. She’s addicted to Hitachis—and you are not one. She’s near her period. She’s on her period. She just finished with her period. She is nowhere near her period. You just don’t know what you’re doing. You suddenly know what you’re doing, and it’s making her suspicious. You’re doing the same thing you always do and she’s over it. She’s feeling self-conscious. You need to shower. Her head is somewhere else. Her head is too much in it. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. Her body just won’t get there today. She took Tylenol. She drank too much coffee. She drank too much alcohol. It’s just not time yet.

Pick any one of those. It’s probably one of those.

5.) Please fill in the blank:

Something more people should try when fucking is to not try so hard.

6.) You and Stoya just launched a new site featuring curated smut called TRENCHCOATx. Can you tell me about the pay-per-scene business model you’re using and what incentives there are for viewers to pay per scene when they can find porn for free somewhere else? 

Well, they (hopefully) can’t find this porn somewhere else. It’s a nominal fee, and surely they understand economics enough to comprehend how it costs money to make content, which must be somehow repaid for the cycle to continue. We’re being as honest as we can about how we’re bringing the entertainment. We are bringing the best we can. We believe that a consumer can respect that enough to respect us and purchase what he/she can if he/she desires to consume the product.

7.) Now if you wouldn’t mind answering a reader question, here’s what you’re working with:

Hi Kayden! I turn into a total freak when I meet a guy I like. I go from being a totally hot, awesome, fun babe and spiral into a anxious mess pretty quickly. I don’t really have boyfriends because I am a full time escort. Complicated! My most recent squeeze is an epically hot sexy freak. After a month I decided to come “out of the closet” about the sex work to him and he was really excellent and open minded to it. We still continue to see each other, but I’m secretly liking him in a “I want you to be my boyfriend” way, and I’m terrified. I’m cool as a cucumber fucking influential, famous and wealthy men at work. I’m great at one-night stands and casual affairs. But when it comes to meeting someone I generally like in the real world, I crumble. Last night I got so drunk, got kicked out of a bar and then cried in a gutter. Do I just tell him how I feel? I don’t want to come across like a needy psycho hooker.”

Sex workers deserve to find love as much as the next person. Is it possible you become anxious because the world has been telling you otherwise, and you’ve bought into that mindset? I think so.

Main image credit: clubkayden.com

Vera Papisova is a freelance writer and sometimes standup comedian who’s written for publications like Yahoo Style, Complex and Teen Vogue. To submit questions for her future “Ask a Porn Star” columns, leave a comment below or tweet them to @VeraPapisova or @Slutever.

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Ask a Sex Researcher

I’m beyond excited to announce that the amazing Dr. Zhana Vrangalova will be answering sex and relationship questions here on Slutever with semi-regularity. Zhana is a sex researcher, a PhD in Developmental Psychology from Cornell University, and an adjunct professor of human sexuality at NYU. Personally, I like to think of Dr Zhana as the archangel of sex positivity. For starters, she founded the The Casual Sex Project, a website where people from all over the world come to share stories about their one night stands, fuck buddies, and the like–the good, the bad and the ugly. She also has a column for Psychology Today called Strictly Casual, about the science of hooking up. And she gives talks and workshops about casual sex and non-monogamy (and why engaging in those things do not make you a bad person!) I previously interviewed Zhana for Vogue about sex addiction, and again for my article on non-monogamy and sex parties. And without further ado, I’ll let Dr. Zhana solve all your problems. – Karley Sciortino

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Dr. Zhana

I graduate from college next year, and all I want before I finish is to sleep with a good dozen boys in my cohort. I need some guidance on how to pull this off. Should I just like, openly be a loose woman? Let everyone know I’m 100% up for any heinous thing they want? Or should I just be super intense and secretly proposition them? How can I successfully sleep with multiple guys in the same group without it turning to shambles? – Horny and Confused

Dr. Zhana: First of all, kudos for realizing what you want and not being afraid to go for it, even though it’s something women aren’t supposed to want. That takes balls and it’s just so hot to hear a woman express her sexual desires so unapologetically. Please don’t let anyone ever convince you there’s anything wrong or abnormal about your desires.

How to go about it really depends on how thick your skin is and how conservative your school and group of friends are. But let’s assume that yours is a typical case – your ability to deal with social stigma is about average, and most people at your school would be relatively judgmental of your behavior. So you don’t want to be too open about it, or you risk getting disrespected and treated badly by the very men who you want to have sex with (and who will have sex with you, but then act like assholes afterwards, or worse, won’t respect your limits while having sex with you and will force you into something you may not be into). Being too open about it also ruins the element of seduction and the uncertainty (i.e., the chase) and that’s such a fun part of hooking up for so many people.

But you also don’t need to be overly secretive. Place yourself in situations where the opportunity might present itself (bars, parties) and be flirtatious. Then, when you think the interest is mutual, don’t be afraid to make the first move. If you already know the people, chat them up over text or on social media. If you don’t, Tinder can be an excellent source of hookup partners with the added benefit of more anonymity. (Just no sending naked pictures to anyone.)

Now, if you already have your eyes on guys in the same friend group, that may be tough to keep a secret. It certainly could work—especially if the guys are cool and open-minded, and you are emotionally stable and truly own your sexuality—but it does carry more risk of things going awry. Proceed with caution – maybe just choose one or two guys per friend group. Things get exponentially more complicated if those guys have girlfriends, so it’s best to stay away from those, especially if those girlfriends are your friends.

Either way, steel yourself against a possible backlash. Even if you do everything right, you may still run into a douche or step on someone’s toes. So be mentally prepared to say ‘fuck you all, I don’t care what you think, as long as I live my life the way I want to.’ Also make sure you have at least one or two nonsexual friends (male or female) who are supportive and nonjudgmental. Whatever you decide, please, please, use condoms and do not do it completely wasted. Good luck and let Slutever know how it went after you’ve graduated?

I’m interested in Polyamory! I’ve always been excited by the idea of sharing my partner with others, and also being free to explore multiple relationships myself. However, trying to find someone I like who shares these interests is hard. I have discussed this with my partners early in our relationships, and they expressed interest, but as soon as things became more serious they all seemed to think we should naturally progress into monogamy. I have been blessed with an open minded boyfriend who is comfortable with himself and does not get jealous like so many other men typically do. However, when I bring up the topic of polyamory, he’s just plain against it, and although I love him I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing out on the type of relationship that would fulfill me the most. Are there any stepping stones you can suggest to maybe help him understand? Is it worth risking a relationship that makes me happy to explore unknown territory? – Desperately Seeking Poly

Dr. Zhana: Sounds like you might be the perfect candidate to explore polyamory. But I hear you, it’s not easy to find poly partners. Even though some studies show that up to 40% of men and 25% of women might be open to exploring it, ‘open to exploring’ and ‘actually doing it’ are not the same! Which is why the best place (online or offline) to look for poly partners is among people who already identify as poly and are a part of the poly community.

As for your current boyfriend, an excellent introduction to polyamory are these two books: Dossie & Easton’s The Ethical Slut (more about the psychology of non/monogamy) followed by Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up (more about the practical aspects of it). You could also go to a poly meetup or two, so he can get a chance to talk to some people living it – there are meetups all over the country. Tell him there’s no pressure, you just want him to understand your interest in it and learn about the lifestyle. Then take it from there.

If he refuses to do these, or does it and decides that polyamory is not for him, then the choice is on you: You can either suppress your poly needs in order to be with him, or break up and seek greater fulfillment with someone who’s poly (which you may or may not find). Only you can decide whether it’s worth risking it: Ask yourself how important this kind of fulfillment is for you, especially when you compare it to all the other relationship needs you have? For some people the need for nonmonogamy is strong enough that the risk is worth it; for others it isn’t. Both are perfectly valid choices to make. Good luck!

Painting by Rene Magritte

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Ask a Porn Star: STOYA

Words by Vera Papisova / Photos by Tim Barber /

It’s only fitting that the first installment of “Ask a Porn Star” features one of the most badass players in the adult industry. She’s won multiple awards for her niche performances (super vague way of saying hardcore lesbian shit), is living proof that natural beauty exists in the porn world, and was crowned “America’s sweetheart of smut” by The Village Voice. Continue reading “Ask a Porn Star: STOYA”