Tag: sex work

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Southern Sex Food

The below was originally written as part of my “Sugar Babies” column for VICE.

Tammy is 29 and lives in a suburb of Richmond, Virginia. As a day job, she works in the music industry, but she’s been been supplementing her income as a sugar baby for a few years now. We became internet friends about a year ago when she submitted an advice question to Ask Slutever, asking “When is the appropriate time to tell a guy you’re dating that you moonlight as a sex worker?”

God, being a modern woman is so hard…

What’s a first date with a sugar daddy usually like for you?
Tammy: First, we meet in public. It’s safer that way and it’s good to hang out, because I’m not going to commit to seeing someone once a week if I don’t like spending time with him. So it’salmost like a first date. But when you meet someone off a sugar daddy site, it’s an arrangement—it’s not a “regular” date—so you’re suppose to do something special for your SB. It’s normally a good sign if the guy brings you a gift on the first meeting—one guy gave me an iPad, a lot of guys will give you like $100 for showing up to eat with them, or maybe a nice bottle of liquor whatever. I have to drive to some of my meetings—either into Richmond, which takes 30 minutes, or to Northern Virginia which is over an hour—so if you’re not going to throw me something to compensate for the time and money it took to travel, then you’re not going to be a good sugar daddy, ya know?

When you started being a sugar baby, was being wined and dined part of the experience you were looking for?
Honestly, not really. I was looking more to meet in hotels, or at one of our homes. Most of the guys are married, so in a smaller, rural area like where I live, it’s hard for them to go out in public. And I don’t want to run into anyone I know, either. My friends all hang out at the local bars and restaurants downtown, so I normally suggest we meet at chain restaurants: Ruby Tuesday, Outback Steakhouse, Chili’s, etc.

Those places can be fun occasionally though. Like when I go visit my parents they always want to go to Applebee’s, and I don’t argue because once in a while, a giant plate of boneless chicken wings covered in bleu cheese dressing is a really good thing.
Yeah, exactly, I like eating at those places, and my friends would never agree to go with me because they’re not, like, vegan or organic and don’t have gluten-free options or whatever. Also, those chains are always well populated, so it feels really safe. I like Outback because it’s a bit darker in there; places like Ruby Tuesday and Applebee’s are always lit so brightly and it’s really unflattering.

Whats your favorite dish at Ruby Tuesday?
I love their fish tacos, and their “Ruby Relaxer” drink is probably the best thing on the menu. It’s some ridiculous pink rum drink. I like to order really awful, girly drinks on sugar dates, like expensive mai tais. I don’t like to eat anything that’s particularly messy because I dont want to be wearing my food when I leave, so I usually order something somewhat decent that I can eat with a fork and knife—a chicken entrée rather than a sandwich. Although I guess the fish tacos are an exception.

There’s definitely some food that’s just not OK for dates, like spaghetti or anything with tiny seeds that end up in your teeth. I’ve had some scarring experiences with tabbouleh.
Right, like I wouldnt eat wings. There’s no cute way to eat a chicken wing.

What are the must-haves at Chili’s and Outback Steakhouse?
At Chili’s, I love the chicken crispers. They’re totally packed with MSG and are so bad for you, but they’re amazing. And there’s something about a Bloomin’ Onion from Outback that will forever taste like my childhood. Outback also has a great ahi tuna appetizer that I love to get down on. If I go to Outback or Texas Steakhouse, I’ll get the best steak, like the filet mignon, and salad and a potato.

I know chain restaurants aren’t “trendy,” but overall do you think the quality is alright?
I mean, they’re not serving you something local and organic—it’s usually mass produced and brought in frozen—but that’s what most Americans eat. It’s decent, mid-level food like chicken and burgers. When my parents come to town, they don’t go to the smaller, local places that only serve organically farmed beef. They go to Olive Garden. And most Americans would consider that, like Red Lobster, upper-end food. That’s the best that most of small town America has to offer.

And there’s a familiarity to those chains that I think people really enjoy—like you live in Georgia and eat Red Lobster, then you go on vacation to Florida and eat there and it give you a sense of home. 
Exactly, and it’s going to be the same everywhere, so you know exactly what to get.

So is one chain thought to be classier than the others in the South?
The ones we talked about are all about the same. But there’s also a company called Great American Restaurants, which runs a handful of mini-chains and one-off restaurants all located in Northern Virginia. Those are more high-end—like an entrée might be $25. For example, there’s Coastal Flats, which is like a super high-end Red Lobster with amazing crab chowder, and Sweetwater Tavern, which has delicious bread and fantastic cocktails. And the decorations are amazing. They have giant black jellyfish everywhere. It’s great. But there’s way more money in Northern Virginia because it’s all government and people who work in DC, so they might not consider those restaurants to be as classy as people from Southern Virginia would.

Do you ever eat fast food on sugar dates?
No. Although I dated this one SD who I’d make bring me Chipotle whenever he’d come to my house.

How old are your SDs usually?
They’re usually in their 40s. Although I had one guy who was around 60. He was my first ever SD, and I met him in this small, traditional Southern diner. I had fried chicken, fried potatoes, coleslaw, and sweet tea. That’s the great thing about being chubby: You can go out and not worry about eating all the food and all the sides you want because the guy clearly want to be with someone bigger. Sometimes I even order dessert too, and they usually think it’s adorable.

What’s your craziest SD story?
OK this is strange: Last week I met a guy in Richmond who paid me $2,500, who says he wants to see me four times a month. It seems too good to be true, but he really weirds me out, honestly. He was really specific about wanting to see a bigger girl, but one who isn’t gross, and he wants to be able to say derogatory things to me, like having me to dance for him while he called me names.

Whoa, that’s crazy, but an insane amount of money. Can you get into the dominant/submissive element of it? 
I don’t actually like being called names. In the heat of the moment, yeah, sometimes I can get into you calling me names, but when you’re just text messaging me mean things at 2 PM on a Wednesday, it’s kind of weird. At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with it, but then I was like, well… I wear a size 16, and you’re paying me to be here, so in reality I guess I am a fat whore, so let’s go with this…

Yeah, I guess it’s good to be rational in situations like that. So, living in the South, are a lot of your SDs very religious and conservative?
Not really. They probably identify as Christian, but the ones I’ve dealt with haven’t been too extreme. My friend—who was sort of my escort mentor when I got into sex work—has a long-term sugar daddy who’s super Republican and baptist, and she finds him so annoying and hypocritical. He once put her up in this bed and breakfast near his house over the Christmas holiday, and would periodically come over and have sex with her, even on Christmas day. But he’s been supporting her for years, so she deals with him. I had one SD who was pretty clearly closeted. We didn’t have sex—he just wanted company—but he was really fun. He’d buy my Jeffrey Campbell shoes and take me to Outback.

In the last sugar baby column I interviewed a girl who was referring to her sugar daddies as “clients,” which caused an angry commenter to respond “Sugar babies aren’t escorts. A benefactor isn’t a client.” What do you think?
I don’t know, it’s a grey area. The difference to me is that I communicate openly with my sugar daddies. They know where I’m from, where I work, and intimate details about my life, whereas hourly escort clients, who I’ve seen as well, don’t know anything about me, like not even my real name. With sugar daddies, you form more lasting relationships. We text  each other about what we’re up to. I definitely prefer it to straight-up escorting.

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Going Deep with Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey by Andrew Kuykendall for Nero Homme

I recently interviewed Sasha Grey for the cover of Nero Homme magazine–dream interview, yay! We chatted about porn, childhood, writing, provocation… and being bad Catholic girls ;)

Everyone knows Sasha Grey: she’s the pornstar who changed the game. A quick-witted, sexual provocateur, Grey entered the business in 2007 at age 18, and quickly spearheaded a shift in the mainstream’s view of the porno starlet from hapless victim to sexual heroine. Her first ever scene was a twelve-person orgy, during which she famously asked Rocco Siffredi–the notoriously rough “Italian Stallion”–to punch her in the stomach. Her porn career would go on to be defined by the extreme nature of her performances as well as her outspoken, intellectual approach to her job–the latter of which resulted in her often being called “the intellectual porn star.”
 
After leaving the business at 21, Grey went on to transcend the standard limitations of pornography when she was courted by Hollywood, playing the lead in Steven Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience, as well as a semi-fictionalized version of herself HBO’s Entourage, among others roles. In 2011, she released a book of photography, titled “Neü Sex,” that consisted mainly of racy self-portraits. Now 25, Grey recently added ‘author’ to her list of achievements, with the release of The Juliette Society, a satirical, erotic novel that follows Catherine, a film student who enters a secret, elite sex society.
 
You are obviously a very creative person–you perform, you act, you write, you make music, you take photographs. Back when you were still doing porn, did you see it as a creative outlet?
Grey: Oh, absolutely. Porn was my art. I poured my heart and soul into it, and that’s a very controversial thing, because a lot of people just want porn to be porn. But that was something I was always very outspoken about. And ya know what… I’ve been traveling all over the world this part year and a half, and meeting fans, and it’s been great to find that the things that I was outspoken about and stood up for back when I was doing porn still resonate with people. And as I continue to grow and do other things with my life, I can only hope that my new projects have the same power, and resonate with the people in the way my porn performances did.
 
You’re someone who instigated a change in the mainstream’s perception of women in the porn industry, and pioneered a new wave of intelligent, sex-positive, feminist porn stars. Now that you’ve been away from porn for a while, do you look back and feel happy with the progression the business has made?
Well, I definitely see a difference. You know, even when I was in the business, other women like Bobbi Starr and Kimberly Kane were being outspoken and sex-positive, and very girl-power in general. And I think the internet has had a lot to do with the change in perception as well. In the past, pre-internet, porn stars were marketed, packaged and sold through major companies–they were just a face, a toy. But now, the internet has given girls in porn a tool–girls aren’t limited to signing a contract with a major company in the industry, so now you have independent women who form their own businesses online, and they can do whatever they want, and be as outspoken as they want.
 
Totally. Girls are cutting out the middle man, and taking control of their own image. The bummer is, though, that there still aren’t many career options for girls after they leave the business. Your post-porn career has been anomaly. Do you think it’s just a matter of time before that changes, or is this just the way it is?
Well, I hope it changes, but America is largely a conservative place when it comes to sex. It’s not like this everywhere in the world. This stigma of being an ex-pornstar is stronger in America than in Europe, for example. The agent I used to work with in Florence represented a lot of European women who went on to become doctors, others to have very successful real estate careers, etcetera. They were just doing porn to pay for college, and it didn’t affect their ability to get a job afterward. Also, something I was interested in doing when I was still performing was forming a union for pornstars, which would at least provide career help for performers while they were still in the business. California has a union for strippers, but not porn stars… why is that? Sure, the porn industry is very safe and hygienic, but there’s not a union to make sure the performers have health insurance. Just because a performer has the highest standard of STD testing doesn’t mean he or she is immune to the common cold or the flu. And hey, porn stars need to see the optometrist too.
 
Part of what makes you so compelling–both in your performances and otherwise–is your confidence. Were you a confident kid?
Growing up, we’re constantly confronted with stories–in the media and in our personal lives–about women not feeling confident in their skin or in bed, and wanting to have sex with the lights out, etcetera. We’re so inundated with the image modern beauty and modern sexuality, and at a point I just said, “Fuck that… I want to be myself. I don’t want to have to live up to anybody else’s expectations.” So I sort of gained a sexual confidence before porn, but I still never felt like this buxom sex symbol–like, I’m a fucking toothpick! And when I started doing porn and I had success, I never felt like I physically or visually embodied the things that I understand I represented. 
 
When I first started performing, I looked around and saw all these women with plastic surgery. And honestly, even though plastic surgery isn’t for me, I really don’t have anything against it. But when it’s one out of insecurity, or when it’s just bad plastic surgery, it makes you think, ‘Wow, it’s sad she felt she had to get that terrible boob job.’ It made me feel really lucky to be secure and happy with what I have. Because nobody is flawless, but being secure with yourself is such an important thing. Obviously, there are other women in porn–like Jenna Hayes, Tori Black, Kimberly Kane and Bobbi Starr–who have natural bodies, so maybe it’s a generational thing as well.
 
So, why did you decide to write a novel?
Well, I’ve been writing since I was young, but I had become very frustrated because I was writing screenplays with my mentor Anthony D’Juan for quite a while, and we were shopping them around, and then last year I was at the Cannes Film Festival trying to find financing for a film, but nothing came of it. After then I started thinking about a conversation I had with one of my agents about five years ago, as well as various conversations I’d had with fans who all said I should write erotica. More recently, erotic literature has become a huge part of pop culture, far more than it’s been in the past. Erotic lit has always sold well, but it’s never been talked about this much in the mainstream. So I started to familiarize myself with what else was out there, and I found there was a lack of female characters that represented my generation. I didn’t know if writing a novel was something I could do, but I wanted to challenge myself, and I wrote a few sample chapters and shared it with my agent and some friends, and everyone responded really well to it, so I kept going.
 
Can you name some of your influences?
Well, what I feel is missing from a lot of contemporary erotica is satire, whereas the erotic novels I enjoy have a sense of humor, even if they sometimes deal with dark subject matters. I really wanted to pay homage to novels like 120 Days of Sodom and Therese the Philosopher and Voltaire’s Candide. Those were three books that really inspired me to write The Juliette Society. We’ve become so liberal with the term “erotic literature”–when people think of erotic literature today, they think of romance novels, but there is a fine line between the two genres.
 
I based Catherine at the beginning of The Juliette Society on myself when I was 17 or so. Like me, she was experiencing extreme sexual fantasies that she didn’t quite understand, and she didn’t know where to take them. I personally overcame my insecurities and ended up going into porn, where I had room to explore those fantasies, but Catherine doesn’t have that outlet, so she’s pulled into a Juliette Society by her friend Anna. Obviously, there’s some sex scenes in the book are based on my personal experiences, but not all of them are, by any means.

In writing the book, was part of your goal to provoke or shock people? Personally, with my writing, my goal isn’t to piss people off, but I definitely enjoy pushing the boundaries of what’s comfortable or appropriate…. and I love hate comments :) Is provocation something that fuels you?
Back when I was performing, most definitely. That was a huge part of what I did, and a necessity in order to accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish in the world of porn. But now, as I grow, I sort of vacillate, because I think if provocation becomes too much of a tool then it becomes it’s expected, which makes it uninteresting. When I was writing The Juliette Society I just wanted to tell an entertaining story, a story that allowed people to find a part of themselves within the characters, and hopefully be less ashamed about their own desires. That’s something I wanted to accomplish when I was doing porn, too–to inspire people to not be ashamed of who they are sexually. Another thing really wanted to explore when I set out to write the book, which I suppose some people might find shocking, was male sexuality, because it’s something that’s still incredibly taboo. There’s this idea in society today that women are inherently bisexual, but if you’re a man and you have a sex with another man, you’re gay. I think that’s ridiculous. 

Do you remember, when you were younger, when it first started to become apparent to you that you were a hyper-sexual person, or at least someone who was potentially more open or interested in exploring sexuality than your peers?
Probably when I was 12 or 13. I had a lot of BDSM fantasies, and it was very difficult to deal with. I grew up Catholic, and I thought my fantasies and desires were wrong and immoral, and I didn’t have anybody to talk to about them, and the few friends I felt comfortable speaking to thought I was crazy. I wish I’d read 120 Days of Sodom when I was that age–I think it would have healed me as a person a lot. On average I think I was fairly normal, and dealt with the same hormones that every other kid my age was dealing with, but I suppose I had a hunger and a drive to explore more than most other people, and that’s where the divide comes in. 

Man, there’s something about Catholic girls… they’re the best at being bad. So did your Catholic mom have a difficult time dealing with your porn career?
Yeah. I actually tried having conversations about sex with her when I was younger, but she always said it was not to be discussed. The only time pre-porn it was ever talked about was when she found my birth control and got really angry. At the time I was actually in college and working and supporting myself, and I just said, “Well, you should feel lucky that I won’t have a kid at eighteen,” and then the conversation was over. But when the porn started, she was very opposed to it, and she felt like she failed me. But I don’t feel that way. 

But now that you’ve become so successful, is she like “Woops… you were right!”?
Ha, no, she just laughs says, “Oh, my little black sheep. It’s okay, you’re done now.” She jokes about it now, so that’s good. I remember once when I was cast in the film Would You Rather, I told her, “Mom, I’m doing a horror movie,” and she goes, “What? A whore movie? Didn’t you already do those?” She’s the worst at jokes.

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Fading Gigolo: Chatting with John Turturro

John Turturro’s new movie, Fading Gigolo, stars him as a hooker and Woody Allen as his pimp. The movie is really sweet, and sends what I think is a great message about sex work. I recently interviewed Turturro for The Guardian, and we had an interesting discussion about selling sex that you can read by clicking HERE.

P.S. Sorry my blog has mainly become just a bunch of links to read my stuff other places, but a girl’s gotta make some $$$!
 
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An NYC Sugar Baby’s Guide to Eating Out

The below was originally written as part of my “Sugar Babies” column for VICE:

Madeline is a 24-year-old artist living in New York. She’s been supplementing her income by dating men she meets on sugar daddy websites for over three years. I interviewed Madeline about her nightly exploits about a year ago, and we’ve since become close friends. She’s always making me jealous with all her stories about the fancy restaurants and bars she goes to on her sugar dates, and she knows more about fine dining menus and upscale hotels than anyone else I know, so I thought she’d be the perfect person to kick off Sugar Babies. Now we can all live vicariously through her stomach.

MUNCHIES: The general idea is that what separates a sugar baby from an escort is that sugar relationships are more like actual dating, whereas escorts just have sex for cash. Does that mean you always get fed before sex?
Madeline: Dates usually involve dinner, yeah. Or at least drinks. Most sugar daddies—or the good ones, anyway—understand that the sugar experience is supposed to be extravagant, kind of like a fantasy, so you get to go to some pretty nice restaurants. Over time, you start to learn that the restaurant a sugar daddy chooses for a first date is a good way to gauge his taste, and also how comfortable he is with spending money—it’s like a screening process. This one guy recently messaged me through a sugar daddy website asking if I wanted to meet him at a juice bar in the East Village… like, shoot me. The point is to take me somewhere I can’t go in my normal life, to impress me. I mean, if it’s not at least three dollar signs on Zagat, I’m not showing up.

What’s an example of a sugar daddy who went out of his way to impress you?
Well, I once had a client who was from a royal family in Saudi Arabia. He was married, so he flew me to meet him in Paris and put me in the Royal Monceau Hotel, which is so gorgeous. It was designed by Philippe Starck, who designs high-concept, luxurious hotels around the world—like he did the Delano in Miami, for example. The Royal Monceau feels a bit like the set of a David Lynch movie; there are these hallways with stripes running circularly around the walls, ceiling and carpet, with mirrors at either end. When I arrived to the room there was a bottle of Dom Perignon from my birth year (1989) on the bed. Apparently, 1989 is a really good year for wine, so that’s been “a thing” with some of my clients. When they find out my age they bring me ‘89 champagne.

Where did he take you to eat in Paris?
The first night, we went to a French restaurant called L’Ambroisie, in Place Vosges. Realistically, there are few non-French restaurants in Paris; the French aren’t big on variety. So L’Ambroisie has three Michelin stars and is really decadent and indulgent, but it’s kind of too much, actually—the total opposite of subtle. Like if you leaned forward in your chair to stand up, one of the staff would run over and move your chair for you. Every review I read of the place was like, “This is where people go to flash their cash—not because it’s the best food or the best experience, but because it’s the highest price tag in the city.”

So was the food bad?
I mean, you’d have one bite of something and be like, “that tasted nice,” but if you were to eat a full serving of any of it you’d feel sick because it’s so decadent. The Saudi guy was a very alpha-male type, so he ordered for me—he didn’t even look at me to see what I wanted. It was a twelve-course meal and everything had so much cream and caviar and gold flakes in it. I thought I was going to die.

Like literal flakes of gold?
I guess… like edible gold though, who fucking knows. I remember one course was foraged wild mushrooms that had been boiled in cream for five hours. It tasted like a weird, savory cappuccino. There were also soft-boiled eggs filled with caviar.

Ugggh, how do you have sex after that? I’d feel so fat and unsexy.
We had sex before we went to dinner. He was thinking ahead.

Phew. So what’s an example of a sugar date that felt extravagant, but in a more subtle way?
I like Jean-Georges in New York. It’s sophisticated and elegant, but the staff aren’t up your ass the entire time. The restaurant is on the ground floor of the Trump Tower. You know a sugar daddy is legit if he takes you to Jean-Georges and then tells you he lives upstairs.

Oh, I know Jean Georges because Samantha goes there on a date in Sex and the City. Who took you there?
He was an Indian lawyer. He was really young, actually, like 35. Most of my clients are in their 40s and 50s. It was his first time meeting someone from the sugar daddy site, so he was really giggly and nervous, and he kept talking about how India has a “super butter”—they boil butter and remove the extra liquid and just keep super fat; I think it’s called ghee or something. After dinner he gave me the really cliché sugar daddy line of “You have to come upstairs see the art in my apartment.” So I went up, and all the apartments at the Trump have crazy views of Central Park. He fucked me up against the window, obviously.

Hot. Do you remember the first time you were taken out for a really nice meal, when you felt like, “Wow, I never would have thought I would eat here”?
The first time I felt that was at Nobu, the Japanese restaurant in Tribeca. The sushi is amazing, but in hindsight it’s not even that crazy nice or unattainable. That was a few years ago, when I would have never spent $50 on a meal for myself. There was a point when my goal was never to spend more than $7 on food ever, like, ‘Why would I buy a glass of wine for $12 when I could buy a whole bottle of wine for $3 at Trader Joe’s?’ But now I’m an idiot with money, because it feels so disposable to me. When you’re handed $1k for one evening of easy work, you’re a lot more frivolous with your money than if you worked long and hard for it.

Who did you go to Nobu with?
Someone off Craigslist, actually. There was a time when I was going on a lot of dates with guys just for the dinners—so I wasn’t having sex with them—just because I wanted to try different restaurants. There are sometimes rich guys on Craigslist who post ads asking girls out for fancy dinners, because they’re lonely or have expense accounts or whatever. The first time I went to the Four Seasons was from a Craigslist ad actually. I remember cracking up in my head while sitting at the Four Seasons in my Louboutins eating oysters, sitting across from this tiny little bald man.

But isn’t that a major red flag? Like, “Hey I’m a hot blonde with a troll at one of the most expensive restaurants in the city.”
Yeah, but I can get off on that. I think it’s kind of hot that people know, or that they’re wondering what’s going on, or making assumptions. I don’t really care what a room of strangers thinks about me for an hour. I once winked at a guy and his wife who kept turning back to stare at me.

Lol. So what’s one of your favorite restaurants in New York?
I really love Milos, a Greek restaurant in Midtown. They have amazing fish—I always get market fish or some kind of raw fish. There’s some kind of baby octopus appetizer that’s incredible, too. My favorite thing about Milos is that when you ask about the wine, if you’re not savvy enough to know what every bottle is, if you describe what you want, they’ll bring you three different glasses and let you sample them so you end up getting something you really like. Also, Milos is really spacious with a lively atmosphere, and as an escort you learn that it’s best not to go to really mellow places where you’re shoulder-to-shoulder with other tables, because you inevitably end up having conversations that you don’t want other people to hear.

Do you sometimes negotiate the money over dinner?
Often, yeah—if it’s the first date. Actually, one of my dates at Milos was with an Academy Award-winning documentarian. It was a threesome thing, so I was there with one of my girlfriends who I escort with sometimes. So we told they guy that it’s going to be $1k each and he was like, “Well, I don’t know how much money I have on me.” It’s so annoying when guys are unprepared—like, how stupid are you that you didn’t remember to bring cash to meet your hooker? So my friend was like, “Well, I guess you’re going to have to go to the bathroom to count your money, aren’t you?” It was so funny. He shuffled off with his briefcase to count his cash in the bathroom stall.

Tragic.
One client actually paid me at the table. He told me it really turned him on to pass a girl a wad of cash under the table, and to know that it was making her panties wet. He’s a player who likes the idea of super slutty girls who would do anything for money. I don’t mind getting into that role play.

Where was that?
Well he told me that at Pravda, this subterranean Russian vodka bar in Nolita. He was really into martinis. And then the money was at Masa, which is this really amazing, insanely high priced Japanese restaurant in Columbus Circle. I like eating there because they have these cool Japanese toilettes with a bidet in them, which are really useful for cleaning your vag before sex, ha!

So do you always dress up?
I do. It plays into the fantasy experience I was talking about. For the first date I always try to wear something that shows cleavage and is fitted, but is still sophisticated and expensive looking. Around the third date you can tone it down a bit and wear something “cooler.” I’d never wear a mini skirt or anything really slutty because while I do like getting looks, I don’t want to get looks for being a cheap hooker. I want to get looks that say, “I could never afford her.”

Good tip! Have you ever been taken to eat somewhere really awful?
I once went to meet a client in Atlanta. He’s really sweet and has a lot of money, but he just has no taste for food or clothing, mainly because he just doesn’t care. So he told me we were going to Pappadeaux, and I’d never been to Atlanta so I didn’t know what anything was, and we show up and it’s this awful chain restaurant with a logo of a cartoon crustacean. It wasn’t as bad as Wendy’s, but it was the kind of place where there are stand-up menus with pictures of hurricane drinks. I obviously wouldn’t mind going there in my regular life, but I’d flown to Atlanta, and I was way overdressed in this Missoni dress and stilettos, and the guy next to us was literally wearing a bib for his oyster sauce [laughs]. And my date was just like, “Isn’t this great? So tasty!” He was so happy.

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Am I Normal? – Sex Work in the Deep South

Rose is a 27 year old escort living in rural Tennessee. She’s been in the business for three years, and also works an office job. I talked to her about the challenges of being a sex worker in a small town, and living a double life.

How and why did you get into escorting?
Rose: I’ve actually had an interest in doing it since I was young. Then, a few years ago I became friends with a girl and one night we drank a bunch and she ended up telling me about her sugar daddy who takes care of her bills, eventually as we became good friends she told me she also was an escort and started telling me about her Johns. I thought the job sounded really intriguing, and like an easy want to make money. She helped me get started, and showed me an escort website where you can post personal ads.

It’s funny, I’ve talked to a lot of sex workers and many of them say something similar–that sex work something they’d always wanted to do. Sort of like how if you ask a doctor about her job she’ll say, “I’ve always been interested in medicine.”
Yeah lol, it’s a total calling. Plus I’m not a person who makes emotional attachments through sex–it’s just a physical thing for me. Of course sex can be emotional, and I do enjoy having sex with people I have actual feelings for, but I’m also good at detaching. I don’t think most of my friends could do this job.

So if you have an office job, and don’t “need” money, is escorting just for thrills?
Honestly, sometimes I feel like I only have a legitimate job to cover for my greasy side work, and keep my family and friends from asking too many questions. I lead what some would call a double life. I’m attractive, I work, I’m popular in my area, but I also enjoy having my lifestyle paid for by men who go weak for a blonde with a Southern accent.

I know you live in a small town. Is it easy to make money escorting there?
Not at all. I live in the middle of nowhere in Tennessee–Nashville and Memphis are each two hours away–so it’s not the most reliable place to make money. There’s a lot of work in Nashville and Memphis, but that involves four hours of round trip travel, and then half the guys are flakes, so I like to arrange multiple appointments over a couple days if I’m going to make the time and effort to travel. Still, a lot of the time it’s a wasted effort and I end up spending more money than I make. But occasionally it works out. A lot of the time I arrange to work together with my escort friend who I mentioned–we’ll go to Memphis or Nashville together, which means we save money on gas and hotels. If I see clients in my hometown, they tend to be men who are traveling on business. But I don’t really like to work here too much, because it’s such a small, sleepy town, so it’s hard for me to walk into a Hampton Inn because I literally might know the person working behind the counter. Gossip here travels fast. Plus my parents live here–my dad owns a small business, and actually one of my clients owns a company that he buys goods from, so it’s risky business, really.

Have you ever used a sugar daddy website to meet clients, rather than a straight-up escort site?
I have, but they aren’t my favorite. A sugar daddy site once resulted in the biggest debacle I’ve ever gotten myself into.

What happened?
Well, the guy lived in New York and was CFO of a major TV news station, and he bought me a train ticket to visit him. I normally wouldn’t have gone, but I was already planning to come to New York to visit my friend, so I figured I might as well make money while I was there. So I ended up missing my train and getting there three hours later expected, at 8pm. He had a car pick me up at the station which brought me to wherever he lived in Brooklyn, which I quickly realized wasn’t a nice part of town, and then his apartment was crappy and rodent infested, and we literally had takeout for dinner.

Eww, NO. Takeout is so depressing.
I know! So I spent the night and I blew him but I was like, “I’m not having actual sex with you because you haven’t given me any money yet or fed me properly.” So the next morning we woke up and I asked what he had planned for us that evening, and he was like, “Actually I don’t think is going to work out, you should just stay with you friend.” And I was like, “Well, what about my money?” And he goes, “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” Like… thanks dude.

That’s heinous. From what I’ve heard, that’s what can be weird about sugar daddy sites–the money-for-time exchange isn’t as clear cut. Men who hire escorts know they have to pay by the hour, but sugar daddies want pseudo girlfriends–so basically a “non sex worker”–because they want to feel like they’re just helping a girl out, rather than paying for sex. But sometimes they can abuse that ambiguity.
Yeah, that’s what’s annoying about those sites, because it’s like, I am a call girl, I am an escort. On sugar daddy sites it’s really hard for me to draw the line between not wanting to sound like a professional, and making sure I get paid well. Plus those guy can be so needy too. I had one sugar daddy who wanted to text me constantly, and ask how my day was. I was like “Ugh, I don’t want to tell you how my day was!” And the weirdest part was that I think he was gay, so I never even slept with him. I would only kiss him on the cheek.

Do you think he wanted you to be his “beard” or whatever?
Well no, because we never went out in public. I just went to his house. He had a really awesome, old Victorian house with a giant wrap-around porch that we would sit on and drink beer. He gave me a $700 iPad on our first date, and he bought me a really nice collection of Jeffrey Campbell shoes that I don’t really know what to do with.

How do you juggle your real life relationships with your work? Do you tell guys on the first date about your job? Do you keep it a secret? What’s the protocol?
Juggling a relationship is complicated. In my personal sex life I generally have about five people at one time who I’m talking to, but I don’t commit to any of them because I’ve realized I just don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship. Generally, I don’t tell them about my job. There was one guy who was my primary hook-up for a year, and he would absolutely die if he knew I did any of this while I was with him–which I did, a lot. However, if I get to a point where I actually want to be in a relationship, the person will have to know and be OK with my work, because I don’t want to lie again. Basically, any guy who wants a traditional, monogamous relationship is instantly a no.

Have you ever met a guy, told him what you do, and he didn’t care?
Yeah, there’s one guy I’ve been seeing pretty casually for years, and he knows what I do and likes it. He has a thing for getting with total strangers, which I think is hot, and he think it’s hot that I get paid, so we enjoy talking about that. We probably could make so much money if we worked as a pair, but he refuses. He has a good job so he doesn’t need to make extra money.

Do you think working as an escort fulfills your sexual needs? Like maybe if you weren’t doing this you’d be more interested in having a conventional boyfriend, because you wouldn’t be getting so much sex and attention?
I kinda of feel like the three years of escorting has deterred me from ever wanting a conventional relationship again. Society wants to put you in a box, and tell you to be with one person, but then at work I see so many married men who are cheating on their wives, and they’re all so unhappy. Most of the time I have to sit there for an hour and listen to them talk about how they’re married to women who don’t appreciate them, who don’t have sex with them, who just take their money. And meanwhile they’re paying me $300 to listen to them. It makes me feel bad for them. I’ve actually been married before, when I was 21, but I got divorced when I was 23. We were together for 6 years.

Wow, 21 is young.
Yeah but it’s completely normal where I’m from–that’s how I got trapped into it. At 22 I had a career, a boyfriend, a perfect house and a nice car–the life some people dream of–but I was so unhappy. I didn’t have any friends, because all my old friends were going to college, so I would just come home from work and make dinner. Six months into being married my husband lived in the basement and I lived upstairs. We didn’t even talk anymore.

So there were two years in between your divorce and when you started doing sex work?

Yeah, it was weird because I was 23 and I’d never been on a real date before, and I’d only ever had sex with one person. It was basically like being 15 again. I ended up going to school–I have three college degrees. I dated people and made friends. It took me a minute to ease into having sex with other people because it seemed so strange after only having seen one person naked ever. But it’s been pretty easy since then.

Do you ever enjoy sex with clients?
I definitely like it sometimes, because I don’t care what they think about how I look, so I’m really uninhibited, whereas I get nervous and uptight around people I actually like.

Do you ever find being a prostitute degrading?
I don’t. I actually find it semi-empowering that there are people willing to pay money and buy me nice things just to hang out with for me an hour. I’m really nothing special–I’m just a small town girl with an office job who’s never done anything really spectacular.

Have you ever had any weird requests from clients?
Oh yeah. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole experience, it’s that people are just weird. But I kind of enjoy that. Probably my favorite part about getting into this industry has been learning about all the weird things that get people off, and how unique and special people really are. I had this one guy who  liked to be humiliated–he didn’t want me to let him touch me, which is fine because I prefer that. So we would go out to lunch or dinner, and I would wear something really nice and low cut to draw attention. He totally got off on other people were looking at us, thinking he wasn’t good enough to be out with me. Then we’d go back to the hotel room and I would videotape him masturbating while I told him he could never touch me.

Lol, that’s like being a dominatrix–I’ve done Domme sessions similar to that. So have you ever been really broke and done anything “drastic” to make money?
Not too drastic, but there was a month where I was between job and I needed money really bad, so I put an ad up on the ‘casual encounters’ section of Craigslist that was like “I need help, I’m traveling through the area and my car broke down, blah blah blah.” In two hours I got sixty responses. Over the next week I met three of the guys at hotels for sex, only one of which could actually perform, and made almost $2,000. I told each of them that my car needed a $600 repair and they all gave it to me.

Do your friends know what you do? Are they judgmental?
My good friends know, but I usually phrase it like I have a “sugar daddy” rather than that I’m a prostitute, ya know? I haven’t been able to tell my guy friends at all really–I find that they’re more judgmental than the girls. But I had one female friend get really judgmental on me when I did the Craigslist thing, and told me my job was degrading. But I was just like, “Well if that’s how you feel then we can’t be friends, because I think it’s degrading that you’re almost 30 and live with your parents. At least I make money and have my own place.”

You said you feel empowered by what you do. But have there ever been any moments when you felt bad, or you questioned what you were doing?

I usually feel a bit apprehensive before an appointment, but I really haven’t had any “bad experiences.” I mean, I’ve definitely had to sleep with my fair share of men that weren’t attractive–like really fat or really old, or really small dicks–but for me escorting is just a job, and I far prefer it to other jobs I’ve had, like when I worked in a deli and had to bread fried chicken. I was like, “Eww, I don’t want to do this, I hate my life!” But I don’t feel like that now. Still, I don’t imagine myself doing this forever.

p.s. You can read my interview with a New York City escort here.
Posted on

Am I Normal? – High Class Escort

Belle is a 23-year-old prostitute. She’s been selling sex for more than two years, primarily sleeping with men she meets through sugar daddy websites. She talked to me about her life sleeping with Saudi princes, attending paid orgies, and the truth about men who pay for sex.

Slutever: So how long have you been fucking people for money?
Belle: Since I was 20. For a long time before that I’d had a prostitution fetish. I was living in London at the time, working as a nanny, and basically I crashed the family’s car. So I was looking on Craigslist for babysitting gigs to make extra cash to help them pay for it, and I noticed there were a few ads from older men looking for a “rendezvous.” Most of them were like sixty years old, but there was one guy who was 32 and offering £500 for an hour, so I emailed him and was like, “I’ve never done anything like this before, I have no idea if I’m even capable, but I’m interested.”

And?!
He was very polite and eased me through the whole thing. I asked him a million questions—literally down to “Do I have to act into you?” He just made me feel really comfortable. So I went through with it and I really, really liked it.

You just went and fucked him at his house or something?
No, we got a hotel. But basically after that I knew I could psychologically handle having sex for money–it wasn’t just a fantasy anymore. And then I came across an article about sugar daddy websites, and so I made a profile on one of the sites, just to see if the daddies were only looking for supermodel types, and I got loads to replies. That was more than two years ago, and I’ve been doing it ever since.

So you see sugar daddies, and you also work for an escort agency, right?
Yeah, but I only do the agency when I’m low on cash, because it’s a sure thing, and I know I can definitely make a certain amount in a night. Working for the agency is more standard prostitution–you’re given a driver/bodyguard who drives you around the city in a black car, and you see multiple clients in a row, who are all pre-booked for you by the Madam. But I’d much rather see an SD. It’s classier and more fun.

So what types of guys do you meet through sugar daddy sites and what do they want from you?
There’s generally two types of guys—I’ve nicknamed them. There’s the ‘Bleeding Heart,’ and the ‘Contract Sugar Daddy.’ The ‘Bleeding Heart’ actually thinks he’s in a relationship with you and wants you to generally be attracted to him, and wants to spend time together and for you to have sex with him. Those types are always like, “I’m always really generous with my girlfriends so I don’t see why this is any different. I would take care of you anyway, so the fact that we met on this site doesn’t make a difference for me,” sort of thing. Sometimes they even want you not to see other people. And the Contract Sugar Daddies are more business about it, and pay you a set fee each time they see you, or give you an “allowance” of a set amount each month.

So with the Bleeding Heart types do you have to “act” a bit more?
Yeah, you need to cuddle, you need to sleep over.

You sleep over? Eww.
I know it’s really awful, I hate doing it. I can’t sleep! But I tried the whole, “I can’t sleep over, I don’t sleep well” thing, but sometimes they won’t call you back if you don’t. I feel like I’ve missed out on some opportunities by not sleeping over. I’m thinking of investing in sleeping aids.

I feel like I’d be scared the guy would murder me in my sleep.
I think by the time you’ve been comfortable enough to lock yourself in a room with someone and get naked, you’ve committed. And by the way, guys you meet in bars for one-night-stands can murder you in your sleep too! I’d rather not sleep over, but if it means getting a more reliable SD then I’ll do it.

So have you ever met an SD who you were legitimately into?
Definitely. There was this one guy who was a Saudi prince. He flew me to Paris first-class and put me in a five star hotel. When I got there, there were four dozen roses and a bottle of Dom Perignon from my birth year. And at that point I hadn’t even talked to him on the phone, we had just emailed and sent pictures. When I finally saw him in person I was nervous because he was so good looking. He looked like Aladdin. His deal was that he wanted to meet me in Paris once every other month and he would give me 30 grand over a six month period.

That’s crazy. So what happened?
We had dinner and then went up to the room and fucked a couple of times. I was really into it but he was kind of insecure like, “I know I’m good but I’m not that good.” I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

So did the 6 months deal pan out?
Well, no. What happened was that he gave me five grand on the first night, and the next morning he went to Cannes to do renovations on a house. So I just stayed in Paris, and he was like, “Charge everything to the hotel and I’ll take care of it,” so I invited friends over and we would just order room service and watch TV and jump on the bed. But after a few days, when he still wasn’t back, I got an email saying, “I’m sorry darling, this is my first transgression against my wife and I don’t feel good about it.” It was totally fair enough, but it sucked as well!

So do you have a reliable SD now?
I’ve been seeing a lot of this one guy who runs a fashion company. He wants to dress me up as his doll and put me in high fashion shit, so that’s cool. He’s really fun to hang out with, and actually sort of has a gay vibe. He texted me today with a plan for our next date saying, “We’ll go to the spa and get mani/pedis and then we’ll go home and have sex and then we’ll go shopping and get you all dressed up and then we’ll go to Book of Mormon and then we’ll go to a fabulous dinner.” LOL. Like, can’t complain there!

But you “date” more than one SD at once, right?
When I first signed up I was really ‘girl next door’ about it and would only talk to one person at a time. But you kill so much time that way. It’s not like I’m trying to have five guys at once–I’m too lazy for that. Ideally I would just have one reliable guy. But these guys are so unpredictable and flaky. Like for example I had this one guy who was amazing. We met a total of four times and we never had sex–we’d just have dinner or get drinks–but every time we met he’d give me a thousand dollars in an envelope.

Wait, why didn’t you have sex?
Because he did but he was, like, getting to know me or whatever.

Random.
Yeah. So the first meeting we just met for drinks and then he had to go back to work, but he handed me an envelope. The standard for a non-sex meeting is usually around $200 to $250. I’m not saying the majority of guys do that, but if they want to show you that they’re serious about being a sugar daddy, and that they’re capable, they usually give you a gift. So anyway that’s what I expected, and then I looked in the envelope and saw a grand and was like OMG.

That’s insane. Was he good looking?
Yeah! He was really cute. He wasn’t my type but he was like 35, 6’2, blond hair, Tom Ford suit, nice glasses. He was totally someone I could take out and not be embarrassed by. He wasn’t “cool,” like he doesn’t work at Vice or whatever, but he was fine.

He wasn’t alt.
Defs not alt. But I was really pumped on it going somewhere. So we went on four dates and every time it was a thousand dollars, and then on the last date we made out and he was like, “I’m really happy I met you,” but then I just never heard from him again.

That’s so weird. Do you think he found another girl?
Who knows. That’s what I mean, these guys are so flaky. Maybe he was married. If he found another girl that would have been totally fine. The thing about these kinds of relationships is that they’re so direct and honest–you’re basically a commodity, so guys can just tell you if they don’t want to see you anymore and it’s not a big deal–which is why I was so confused when he disappeared with no explanation at all.

This seems like it’s a huge part of your life. To what extent do you keep it a secret? Do your friends and parents know what you do?
Most of my friends do. I have no filter! Especially when I’m blacked-out, lol. I always end up telling most of the guys I’m dating in my “real life” about my job too, which is probably why I haven’t had a boyfriend in a couple years. I would really like to find someone to date who didn’t mind my work though, and for the right person I would probably be willing to work less. Also, my parents know what I do because my sister told them. Afterward I got a call from my dad. He literally said, “Hey honey, I heard you’re turning tricks.”

Oh god.
Well, they care, but they’re hippies, so they’re sort of ok with it. Once my dad was really low on cash and struggling to pay his bills, and I was home visiting him and felt really bad. So I went on the site and this guy was offering me $1,000 for a blow job, so he picked me up and I sucked him off and was back like 30 min later, and just handed my dad the cash. He started crying actually, he couldn’t really deal. But he was also like, “What the fuck, you were only gone half an hour!” He could NOT believe anyone would pay me that much. I was like, “Uhh… Dad, that’s actually weirdly insulting.”

That’s so awkward, we need to move on. So do you ever sleep with other escorts, like in an American Psycho threesome sort of way, but without the chainsaw?
Yeah, actually I have one client who only sleeps with more than woman at a time, so with him I only do threesomes. He always brings the other girl and gives us each $700, and the whole thing takes about an hour. He’s so sweet, I love him. He grew up in a really poor family, so it’s a rags to riches story.

Do you like the threesomes?
Well threesomes are cool because you only have to do half the work. But there’s a bit more pressure, especially because I never know what the other girl’s going to look like, and I’m always nervous she’s going to hate me. I have more confidence with wooing men than I do women. I can’t tell if a girl is thinking, “I can’t wait for this to be over.” I guess it’s an insecurity thing.

Do clients ever want you to do really kinky shit?
I recently had this one client who’s an amazing Austrian guy, early thirties, a top surgeon, speaks five languages, and he was staying at the Ritz and we would go for really nice dinners. The sex with him was really weird and perverted and hot. He’s really into lactation. He was like, “You might be a little young but maybe three years from now, if you work on it and milk your tits, you’ll be able to lactate.” And he’d always be working my tits. One time he was lying in bed, completely naked with a boner and a pillow on top of his face, and he was like, “This is my newest fetish,” and I got on top of him and was fucking him while suffocating him. It was just fun, adventurous, interesting sex.

But I’m semi confused because for the guys it’s like—you’re good-looking, you’re successful, you’re rich, so why can’t you just fuck someone without having to pay them? Are they just awful people?
No, they’re usually fine. They’re just too busy. And they have standards. It’s hard to just meet someone at a bar who’s hot and smart and who you can have an interesting conversation with, who also wants to fuck you on the first night.

And they know they will find hot and smart girls on an SD site?
Well they can read your profile. If your profile is written well and witty and your photos are hot, that’s a good start.

So how much money do you make per month?
It’s so month-to-month. But I had one arrangement that was 7.5K a month just from one guy.

Really? Do you have a huge savings?
No, I have zero savings! You think it’s so much money until you have it. I think my biggest problem was that I felt almost guilty about how much money I had, since my friends are obviously all young and poor, so I would just pay for everything. Also I had just moved to New York so I was going out every night until 4am, and basically paying for everyone. And my apartment was $2350 a month. That was part of the deal–he was married so he wanted me to have my own place and he asked that it be within four stops of Grand Central.

How long did that arrangement last?
Four months, and he told me it would last that long right from the beginning, which was cool.

So has whoredom been a pretty positive experience throughout, or has there ever been times when you felt used or in danger or whatev?
That’s so subjective, if you’re asking me that versus another sugar baby, you’re going to get very different answers. One of my closest friends signed up and was getting slimy messages and was not really into it, but it takes a lot for me to be shocked or grossed out. Also I sort of get off on the riskiness of it. I genuinely love my job.

Would there be a reason that you would say no to sleeping with a client?
No. The only time I walked out of a meeting was when an agency sent me somewhere really shady–like a drug den, and not the baller swag type of drug den.

Do you have personal rules for yourself?
Always use condoms, I always meet SDs in public before going to their houses.

What would you say is the best part of the job, besides the money?
You get to meet people outside of your social circle, which I like. And also this job has led me to discover that there is a silver lining to everyone. There are guys I go on dates with who in “real life” I wouldn’t look twice at, but when I’m forced to sit down and talk to them, I always find something endearing about their personality. Like maybe the guy know tons about the soil in Argentina and how it affects the climate… I can get down with that, I can take home some trivia.

So basically being a whore makes you rich and smart.
Totally. Or at least I know way more about the stock market than most 23-year-old girls living in Brooklyn.

Posted on

Ask Slutever: Ask a Whore

Belle de Jour

Once in a while I’ll enlist a friend of mine to act as a “guest expert” and answer some of my Ask Slutever questions for me. This is usually because I’m either too busy, or too lazy, or sometimes literally just because I don’t feel like doing it myself. No offense, but after a while I get bored of reading though essentially the same emails over and over–“Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?” … “How should I shave my pubes?” … “Is my clit an idiot?” It’s like, for fuck’s sake, don’t any of you have any real life friends who you can ask this stuff? GOD.

No, I’m kidding. Please keep sending me questions, I love it. It makes me feel popular.

Anyway, for this installment of Ask Slutever the guest expert is…. wait for it… an escort! Yay! Because really, who better to answer all of your sex and dating questions than a professional? This particular prostitute happens to be a close friend of mine, and I think she gave some really great and useful advice, so please, open your ears, legs and mind and learn a thing or two!

So BASICALLY I’ve kind of agreed to have a threesome with these two guys who messaged me over an online dating site. We’re gonna book a hotel room and then… do it. But the thing is, I’ve never even been on an online date before because I get kinda nervous and have panic attacks. But I really want to have a threesome with two guys, and they look really hot in a mean teenage boy way (but they’re in their twenties and I’m twenty, so its OK?). Anyway, my pictures on my profile are mostly of my face, but not of my body, which is very curvy, like I have GG boobs and a small belly too (what a drag), and I’m afraid I’ll look like a beast in real life. I plan to get really drunk and high beforehand, but when I add all the elements of this story together they begin to sound dodgy. Should I do this or what? Help? Tamara

You pretty much nailed it when you said it got “dodgy” when you put all the elements together. A few of the elements are fun things: online dating, getting really drunk, getting really high, having threesomes, having sex with strangers. A few are bad things: misleading profile pictures, panic attacks. The combination of all these elements is dangerous, and that’s coming from a prostitute writing from a plane, on her way to another state to have sex with a stranger. The difference is that I’ve worked my way up to this. I know myself, my limits, and how to be (at least relatively) safe about it. Also, I’m not shitfaced.

You’re putting a lot on your plate right now. You’ve never even been on an online date because that gives you panic attacks–baaaaabe, why would getting naked with two hot strangers (who maybe don’t know what you actually look like) make you any less panic attack-y? Because you’re going to obliterate yourself beforehand? I’m not saying you shouldn’t mix booze and threesomes, but I am saying you shouldn’t turn up to any kind of first-meet wasted. It’s not, as Karley would say, “glamorous.” I’m all about a shot at the hotel bar to take the edge off, but don’t get carried away.

OK, I’m going to try to break this down for you, so that you can eventually have a threesome, but it definitely shouldn’t happen next Tuesday or whenever you’ve currently got scheduled. You need to build up to this, so that you don’t end up having some naked dude stab you with an EpiPen mid-fun. Or even worse, end up having a shit night that results in you never wanting to have a threesome again! Here goes:

First, you need to do some OkCupiding. If you can’t handle that, you can’t handle this. First, you have to get some clear pics up. Ask a dude friend to approve your selection. I have no idea what you look like, so it’s pointless for me to try to tell you whether or not you’re a “beast” in real life. All I can say is that I’ve met dudes who didn’t look like their profiles, and it automatically put me in a bad mood. False adverting is not cool. Before you even get to know this person, they’ve already lied to you! Not a sexy start.

Next, you need to arrange to go on dates with some guys who aren’t total babes–just nice, funny dudes who won’t intimidate you. I used to get sooo worked up meeting new guys off the internet, for the exact same reason. But I kept it low key, and friendly vs. flirty, so that worst case I could act like I was just looking for friends if I got reject vibes. After a handful of dates you’ll know what you’re working with, and won’t get all sweaty walking into new territory. From there, ring these hot teenagers up and tell them you’re ready to rumble. But if I were you I’d plan to meet for a drink somewhere public first. Remember, I said walking into the date drunk was sloppy, but if you’re all on the same level, it’s totally fine. (Just keep an eye out for roofies.) Have fun!  xoxo A Whore

I’m a 20 year old transwoman. I act in porn, and though it’s clearly awesome getting paid to get fucked, my issue is when I’m supposed to bring this up to someone I’m into. If I say it too early I come off like a total crazy slut, but if I wait to tell them I’m a lying bitch who hides her life. Please help! Alex

There’s no easy answer here. I’m obviously also in the sex industry, so while I don’t have experience with the trans issue, I’m all too aware of the ‘lying vs. not lying about your job to get a date’ dilemma. I’ve experimented with various approaches, and none are ideal. For about a year I decided honesty was the only way for me. I’d go on OkCupid dates and answer “escort” when they asked me what I was doing for a living. I considered it a good filter, because I didn’t want to date anyone who couldn’t accept me for me. Some turned into second dates, some didn’t. The ones that did appreciated my honesty, but fizzled out quickly. They probably thought I was edgy, interesting, and a good story for their friends, but ultimately not girlfriend material. I dated one friend who claimed he didn’t care, but several weeks in jealousy took over and we were back in the friends zone.

I guess I’m not telling you anything new here. You’ve likely experienced similar scenarios. I guess it all boils down to what’s most important to you right now: being in a committed relationship, or being honest with the person you care about. Right now I’m experimenting with the ‘two separate lives’ theory. Thinking of myself as one entity, and my escort persona as another. I’m not saying it’s the right choice, but it’s the one I’m going with for now. An escort is what I am, not who I am. You may be a porn slut, but you’re probably a whole lot more than that too. And while lying sucks, so does having assumptions made about you based on cliches. So do want you gotta do, but realize that this industry is always going to limit your personal life in one way or another, whether it means lying to good people, or giving them up because they don’t want a slice of chaos. xoxo A Whore

Hi, I’m 25 and admittedly pretty slutty. Last time I counted I was at around 60 guys and that’s full-fledged penis into vagina sex sex. I don’t have issues with my “liberated” sexuality, but I sometimes think there are cases where I shouldn’t have gone there, said no, or at least stopped the action at playful touching. I get frustrated because I see these girls who have tons of cool/hot/talented male friends around them, and I can tell they’re obviously grooming these men for if/when they finally want them in their lives. I don’t have these guys in my life because, well, I’ve already fucked them all, and that bums me out! I know it’s because I usually go straight to sex–meet a hot guy while wasted at a bar, go to bed with him within a couple hours. It’s fucking fun, and maybe a bit of a weird sex addiction type thing, as well as possibly a self-confidence issue (although a crazy one because I know I’m a babe and obviously have no problem getting guys). But basically, what’s your advice on how to say no to a guy, even if you’re attracted to him? What are ways that would be both mentally and physically fulfilling without coming off as a tease? I like to flirt and have guys come on to me constantly, as I’m sure you do too. I know these guys only have sex on the brain, so how can I please them without giving them the full vaginal glory, and keep them on the hook to become friends, or even something more meaningful? KP

I’m in this boat, and know lots of hot ladies in the same boat. It’s called validation issues–needing to fuck strangers to have it repeatedly confirmed that you are a babe. While we know it, the evidence we list is always based on how many dudes we’ve pulled, or how quickly we can get laid – not checkpoints which actually indicate self confidence.

At some point the sex with random dudes should get boring, and you’ll look for a way to spice up your active, yet unfulfilling sex life. That spice will be making not the boys, but yourself wait. Seriously, try it, it’s awesome. It’s obviously really fun to spontaneously fuck guys, but that amount of fun doubles each time you see the guy and hold off. There really is a pot of gold sitting the end of the abstinence rainbow. I’m still not skilled at it–I think my max was like 3 dates before sex–but that was glorious. I can only imagine what euphoria prudes must experience!

My best advice is to schedule dates at the start of your period. That gives you at least a week of hang-time. Unless you’re into crime scene sex, in which case, I dunno… maybe stop shaving your legs or armpits or something? Just figure out the thing that makes you be all “nobody is getting up in this tonight,” and make sure that thing is going on during your date.

As far as holding out until sex is more “meaningful,” well slutever.com may not the right place to learn how not to be a slut, but it will teach you how to be a happier slut :)  xoxo A Whore

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Girls Girls Girls?

What’s it like being a chick in the Big Apple? Sex and the City made a great effort to tackle this complicated question some fifteen years ago now. More recently, Girls has taken up the cause. However, if you’ve seen both of those shows and you still don’t feel like you’ve got enough info about what life is like as a vagina-clad human being living in NYC, then you should check out the e-book GIRLS?, recently published by Thought Catalog.

GIRLS? is a collection of thirteen funny, scary, sexy and strange essays from thirteen of New York’s great lady writers, all telling tales of life in the city. The lovely lady contributors include: Marie Calloway, Rachel Rabbit White, Liz Colville, Leigh Alexander, Chloe Caldwell, Molly Oswaks, Karina Briski, Mila Jaroniec, Claire Mott aka No Sex City, Eudora Peterson, Stephanie White, Stephanie Georgopulos, and (most importantly) ME!

Below is an except from my essay:

“She was chugging a Diet Coke and plucking her eyebrows, her pupils dilated to the appropriate size of someone on 20mg of Adderall. I sat staring at her thoughtfully, stroking my chin for dramatic effect. Could I actually go through with it?, I silently pondered. I thought about what my mother would think if she ever found out. But then I got distracted and started thinking about how cool Catherine Deneuve’s hair looks in Belle Du Jour and considered whether I could pull off a similar style. Then I daydreamed abstractly about that scene in True Romance where Patricia Arquette and Christian Slater are wrapped in blankets, sitting in front of that billboard–she’s crying, confessing to him that she’s a call girl, and he’s being his sweet, easygoing self and telling her he doesn’t care, and then they say “I love you” for the first time. God… I love that movie.”

You can find the e-book HERE!

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Am I Normal? – Cum Slave and Male Escort

One of my dominatrix clients is a businessman in his early 50s who likes to be treated like a whore and forced to eat his own cum. We’ve been doing sessions together for a year now, and over time we’ve become pretty good friends. Sometimes we hang out casually, just to chat. Like for example we’ll go have sushi and talk about Rihanna, and then afterward we’ll go back to the dungeon and I’ll ride him around like a horse. My sub (let’s call him Cum Slut) is always fun to talk to because he has endless crazy sex stories, starting from back when he first immersed himself in NYC’s S&M scene in the early 80s. Something I didn’t know about Cum Slut until recently, however, is that in his 20s he worked as a male escort. Edgy. I recently interviewed him about his prostitution days, and you can read the result below.

Slutever: So you were a male escort?
Cum Slut: Yeah, when I was in my twenties.

How did you get into doing sex work?
I worked as a parking lot attendant at a sex club on 34th Street called Plato’s Retreat. You should look it up some time. That place was like ancient Rome. They threw crazy swingers parties, there was a pool inside, all the rooms had beds in them, and one night of the week would be S&M night. While I had that job, a couple different times people who hung out at the club propositioned me, and those were my first experiences with prostitution.

Did you like working at the club?
Not really. I had to do a lot of clean up stuff, which wasn’t fun. One night somebody set a fire in one of the beds and the employees had to put it out. It was started a husband who was mad at his wife for fucking a bunch of guys. He wanted her to stop, but she wouldn’t stop and he got upset about it. She stopped when the fire broke out.

What year was this?
This was 1984, 85.

It’s weird that people were fucking strangers so freely during the height of the AIDS epidemic.
Yes, it was scary. Everybody was using condoms though.

So how did the people proposition you?
Well there was this one woman and her husband who I saw come into the club a few times. I was friendly with them, and the guy didn’t feel uncomfortable around me. One night they showed up and I parked their car and they tipped me $80. Now back then, that was a lot of money. And then at the end of the night when I bought their car back the woman just said, “So do you want take us home?”

That’s a good line.
Yeah it was. And off we went. The the next time they showed up they tipped me over $100 for parking–it was kind of like a ‘wink’–and I went back with them a second time.

How did you get further into prostitution from there?
Well after that I met this other woman named Anna. She was an escort, and she asked me if I would be her driver and security guard. How it usually works with escorts is that their agency sets them up with clients, and then they’re driven around from job to job by a bouncer type. In this case the agency actually provided the car as well. So I told her yeah, I would do it.

What was that like?
Basically I had a beeper that would tell me what addresses to take her to, and I got $25 an hour to drive her around for the evening, and I spent most of the time just waiting in the car on my own. For the first ten minutes that she was inside with a new client I’d have to be ready to jump, or to call the cops if something went wrong, but nothing ever went wrong. The agencies have this stuff on pretty heavy lock-down. Even back then they were screening the clients. Guys would have to show a drivers license and give information about where they worked–stuff like that. It was pretty worry-free. Or at least it was with this agency, I’m not sure how everybody else did it.

You never had one single problem?
No. I had a couple girls walk out of places. If they felt like a situation was weird, they would just leave and come back to the car. When the guys are weird or freak you out, you just have to trust your instincts and get out of there. But anyway, I ended up being the driver for this woman for like a year and a half, and at a certain point I started to go in and do scenes with her sometimes, if the client requested it. Or sometimes the client would be a couple and they’d want another couple, and that’s how I got back into sex work.

What was your role in the scenes?
I was the bull. The Dom. Amazing how things change, right?

Do you like being dominant?
Yeah, I’m a switch.

Wow, I would have never guessed that from the sessions you and I do together where you beg me for cock and ball torture. I’m a switch too.
You wouldn’t know from what I’ve told you. I would have guessed that you are a switch though. Also, I guess that’s pretty evident from your blog.

Lol true. So with Anna, was it a mindfuck that you spent so much time with her and were fucking each other so often? Did you end up liking each other?
Yeah we did. We ended up having a two month thing where we thought we might actually like each other, but because we were working together so often, something about the relationship was just off. I can’t explain it, I think there was just too much familiarity. When I first started driving her around all I wanted to do was fuck her. I would get sort of jealous when she would go in and see other guys. Then when our affair started, for the first couple weeks I thought I was in heaven, but it wore off fast because we always had to go back to work.

What was she like?
She had great taste and wore amazing clothes. Her winter coat–I’ll never forget it–was the most beautiful shearling wool winter coat I’ve ever seen. It was like what Vikings wore. It must have cost at least ten grand, and that was in the 80s. She once talked to me about how she did business, and she said, “I never talk about money. I just only go after the guys who I know have it.” Basically she would leave it up to her clients to decide how much to leave her, but she would never discuss money with them, because talking about money is awkward. That’s really what you’re striving for if you’re working as an escort–you want your clients to be the type who you know will treat you well, without you having to ask.

How long did you work with her?
About three years. But I ended up working on my own sometimes too.

How much did you make?
Back then it was like $175 an hour. I’d get $75 and the agency would get $100. I didn’t like splitting the money obviously, but I liked that it was safe, and that the agency would sort everything out and all I had to do was show up.

What else did you like about the job?
I looked at it like opening magic doors at night, where I would always see or hear something new. And getting head from guys was cool.

Why, are they better at it than girls?
Most are. In purely physical terms, anyway. Men just know what they’re working with. But for me, when I’m getting head from a woman, there’s the additional element that I might like her, which makes the sexual interaction better. I don’t have love for men in the same way that I do for women.

Do you think prostitution is a good job?
It depends how it’s done, like anything. But I think it definitely has an expiration date. I would see it taking a toll on some of the women over time. The job can result in a lot of compulsive behavior. Smoking and drinking especially, and drugs―all the things that are ‘the devil’ [laughs].

Well I can imagine that fucking a series of strangers is not the sort of thing you want to do sober.
Right, exactly.

And lastly, why do you think you are drawn to these extremes of sexuality?
Well, I listened to this really great interview on Howard Stern the other day. He was interviewing this gay man who’s now found God, but at one point he was doing really hardcore sex stuff–bondage scenes, pissing, lots of gangbangs, being punched in the face and knocked out, etc.–and the man was saying that he ritualized sex in order to learn about himself, that sex was about self-analysis. And I really understand that. I find sex very illuminating.

So what has sex taught you about yourself?
Well in an obvious way it’s taught me what turns me on, and what scenarios excite me. But to go deeper than that, I would say I’ve learned that I have a certain capability for compartmentalization. And that applies to things in my life far beyond sex. I’ve learned that as people, there are important aspects of ourselves that are always present, yet are not always evident.

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Hooking

Pic by Sally Mann

People often ask me, both in interviews and during casual conversation, if I sleep with people for money. Or sometimes they skip the asking part and just assume that I do, or at least that I have. The truth is, I have been paid for sex only once, and it was by accident, and the one time I actually tried to make it happen, I failed.

Back when I was squatting in London, during the much-blogged-about “Squallyoaks” period of my life, I lived for a while with a girl named Lydia whose life’s ambition was to become a whore. I found this very amusing. I was always trying to explain to her that prostitution is rarely a profession one aspires toward, but more often one that is fallen into, likely out of desperation. (I of course understand that this is not always the case–I’m aware of this random thing called feminism–and that many people enjoy making money in exchange for sex, but I’m generalizing.) Still, Lydia, in all of her glorious airheadedness, somehow managed to constantly fail in her attempts to whore herself out. At first, it was clear she was aiming too high on the high-class escort ladder (her daily attire was far more True Romance than Belle de Jour). Other times she’d ask for too much money, or make crazy demands of potential first time clients (“I’ll only fuck on red satin sheets”), or she’d make appointments and then accidentally go into a K-hole and not show up. The list goes on. I constantly made fun of her for this, to her annoyance. However, after my sole attempt to be a hooker turned out to be a disaster, I suddenly felt bad for having been such a snob, and, whatever… unsupportive. “I’m so sorry Lydia,” I wrote on her FB wall in the hours after my failure. “Turns out being a whore is a lot harder than I originally thought. xoxo”

But I’ll start with the story about the time that I was paid for sex, accidentally. I’ve actually already written a detailed post about this, but I’ll paraphrase it for you. It was just a few days after I moved to New York, about two and a half years ago now, and out of a combination of loneliness, horniness, drunkenness and desperation, I put up an ad up on the ‘casual encounters’ section of Craigslist. Out of all of the potential, bottom-of-the-barrel suitors who responded to my ad, the most appealing by far was a 32 year old Hasidic Jew named Isaac who described himself as “tall, slender and clean.” To make a long story short, Isaac came cover, came in my mouth, and then asked, “How much?” Me, being the innocent and sexually naive person that I am, asked, “How much what?” He responded to this with a puzzled glance, then said, “How much money?”

Clearly, he thought I was a prostitute, but I wholeheartedly had not considered this until the moment he said the word “money.” I guess I hadn’t thought about whether or not it would be unusual for 25 year old middle-class white girl to be causally trolling Craigslist at 4am, searching for some honest, no-strings attached sex with a creepy, married, Orthodox stranger. As I hadn’t planned on how much money I would ask for, since I hadn’t planned on asking at all, when the question was raised I panicked and said, “Uh… $50.” After I said it I instantly realized, upon seeing the delight in his eyes, that I should have asked for way more. But whatev, it’s 50 bucks more than I’d ever been paid for sex before.

The time I tried to be a hooker and failed happened about three months before this, while I was living in London. I was sleeping with this older guy, a 45 year old photographer named Elliott. He beat my up and stuff, like sexually. It was cool. I suppose, in hindsight, he was the person who first introduced me to S&M. The sex wasn’t that intense, but there was definitely the occasional ball-gag and nipple clamp involved. What he liked most was to mentally dominate me, and to “punish” me if I ever disobeyed him. Like this one time he invited me over his house, and I showed up 45 minutes late, so he refused to fuck me and instead just tied me to his dresser and jerked-off onto my face. Stuff like that. And he loved making me beg for sex, it was his favorite thing ever. I like it too, although I pretended I didn’t.

So anyway, I was dating Elliott. Or we weren’t really dating, technically, we were just sleeping together. I asked him to be my boyfriend like 500 times but he always said no. But whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, a few months into the relationship he told me that he was going to be my pimp, and pimp me out to all of his friends. He didn’t ask me, he told me. I obliged, because it sounded kind of hot, and because Elliot was really handsome and well dressed and rich–“old money” British family–so I assumed all his friends would be handsome and well dressed and rich too. Score!

I was really excited about my first hooker appointment. Elliott explained how the whole thing would go down to me over the phone: “He’s my old friend, a total gentlemen,” Elliott said. “He has rented you for one hour. Show up to his apartment at 8pm. He can do whatever he wants to you, but no anal.” I said alright, sounds glamorous.

So I showed up, and just as I had hoped, the guy was really good looking. Late thirties, tall, sandy blond hair, total prep school vibes. We talked for about two minutes, during which I made boring conversation, asking him how he knew Elliott, etc., but it was clear that he had no interest in talking, so I gave up and we started making out. Then some other stuff happened, normal foreplay, whatever. Eventually we start fucking, and obviously I wanted to be fucked in the ass, solely because Elliott had told me it was forbidden. So I said, “Elliott said said he doesn’t want me to do anal, but I’m up for it if you are,” and the guy responded, “Since when is this about what Elliot wants?” So that was that.

The sex good, no complaints. I was really into the guy physically. Like if I saw him in a bar, I probably would have flirted. My only complaint was that he was a bit too nice. Like, during sex, if you want to spank someone, you just do it. You don’t ask them first, because by asking you completely negate the effect of the spank. And if you spank someone and he/she doesn’t like it, it’s no big deal, because he/she will just ask you to stop. Ya know? (#LifeAdvice) So yeah, this guy was the sort of guy who would ask before spanking me. A bit too British, in the bad way, if you know what I mean. And then at one point he was fucking me, and I began to dish out some mild dirty talk–“I love the way your dick feels in my ass,” etc., no big deal. And in the midst of this I said, “You think I’m a whore, don’t you?” But like in a sexy-voice, porn way, ya know? But when I said it he immediately stopped, flipped me around, looked me in the eyes and said so sincerely, “No, not at all! I think you’re great!” lol

So the next day I called up Elliot and told him the story, minus the anal part, and he loved it, and told me I did a great job. Then I asked, “So how much do I get?” And he said, “How much what?” and I said, “How much money?” (You see a pattern appearing?) He then, seemingly confused, explained that he never once mentioned money, and that he was sorry if I had assumed otherwise. I then started screaming about how of course I thought there was going to be money involved, since it’s generally implied you will be paid when your pimp sets you up to fuck strangers. “Why on earth would I fuck your friends for free?” I shouted. “Because I told you to,” he responded, calmly, “and you will continue to fuck my friends, whenever I tell you to.” I told him no, I would never do it again, unless I was paid. But of course I did, two more times over the course of the next couple months, for free, because he told me to. God, I can be so weak :)

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